Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are these red flags? I’m not over reacting here am I?

131 replies

PumpkinPiePlease · 04/10/2018 19:43

I really need some perspective here as I feel like I’m going mad.

Ive been dating a guy for three months and it’s been quite intense from the start. I like him, he’s attractive and funny and we get on well but I think I’ve dropped a bollock on this one as I’ve chosen to overlook some things that are red flags. I’m thibking I should end things before they go any further and just wanted some perspective.

He is extremely bitter about his exes. One beat him up, another cheated on him, the last one left him and broke his heart. He went on a bit of a rant the other day about the last one and said she nagged him all the time, her family took him for granted, she was shallow, she had depression, her Mum was ill and everything revolved around this.

I feel like he’s overshared heavy information too quickly. Things like his abusive childhood, family disputes, past misdemeanours etc all the while telling me he has never divulged this information to any other girlfriends/ lovers so early on. Meanwhile he says I’m a closed book and too private.

He has made comments such as:
‘The first time we slept together I thought you had dirt on your thigh’ (it’s a birthmark)
‘You cum very quickly/you make a lot of noise don’t you’ (maybe overreacting on this but felt like he was comparing me to other people he’s slept with)
‘You have such a beautiful face but your lips are very thin’
‘Have I got the biggest penis out of everyone you slept with?’
‘You’ve got a bogey/spot/mark on your face. Just telling you so you know’
‘I thought you were a stuck up cow on our first date but I thought maybe you were nervous’ (incidentally he told me that when he first met me he rang his best friend on the way home and was raving about how nice I was)

The problem is I’ve mentioned these things to him and I now feel he’s got the upper hand as he keeps saying I make mountains out of molehills, take things the wrong way and, worst of all, that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me. He says he can tell I like to argue that I’m stubborn and have a mean streak in me. I’m bloody mortified and feel really on the back foot here - am I really such a massive bitch for pulling him up?

I find him very atttactive and am worried I’ve stayed this far out of lust. I need some wise words here on what to do next.

OP posts:
MargoLovebutter · 05/10/2018 13:53

Haffiana given that the 'lying handicap' is often a key trait of someone with Asperger's according to Tony Attwood, I would say the chances of someone with Asperger's being a manipulator and gaslighter are significantly lower and whilst not mutually exlusive it is extremely irritating that often on MN, when a whole list of very unpleasant characteristics are shown, someone will pipe up to ask if they might be from someone with Asperger's!

holrosea · 05/10/2018 15:08

@Trinity66 has a point here, and I agree. My ex used to say all sorts to me about my character (that none of my friends, family or colleagues had mentioned) and he also had something terrible to say about every woman he'd aver been involved with.

With distance and hindsight, I can't help but think he was the only common denominator among these "crazy, needy, controlling bitches" (and I assume he's off telling a new, unsuspecting soul how I was terrible to him).

Trinity66 · 05/10/2018 15:32

@holrosea I can't help but think he was the only common denominator among these "crazy, needy, controlling bitches"

Exactly, either he's the problem or he's a very, very unlucky guy........I know which I'd believe Wink

CiderBrains · 05/10/2018 18:15

"There is one other thing that’s been bothering me...he said he’s told his best friend about how I speak to him and he advised him to only put up with it if I make him happy. Apparently his mum said the same thing. This is bollocks right? Or is this actually what other people think of me? This is what I mean about me feeling like the abusive one. We’re in our thirties by the way, not teenagers in case your wondering."

This is classic abuser tactics and one that really grated on me.

He will be planting the seeds to his friends and family that you are slightly unhinged and speak to him badly. What he is really describing is the way you speak to him when you pull him up on something he has said to you. So he will use your (perfectly natural) reaction to something he has said as an example of "how you spoke to him." His family/friends will take pity on him and he will convince them he "begged you to stop" talking to him like that. 😡

His family and friends will then see you as unhinged and will take his side. No amount of talking to them by you will change their minds and any attempt to do so by you will make you look "crazy" and he was "right " all along. It took me a long time to accept that my ex's family and friends will always think of me as the horrible one whilst he was "the victim."

He will never think he's done anything wrong, even after you split and you will be added to the list of "crazy ex's."

Walk away and don't look back! X

Mitzimaybe · 05/10/2018 18:35

Don't worry about what he says his mum or his friends have said about you. He will have given them a totally false impression of you and told them how horrible you are to him. They will have responded "so why are you with her?" It's nothing to do with what you are actually like.

ICESTAR · 05/10/2018 22:45

I was reading that thinking no no no just no. I'm so glad you've blocked him op. I agree with the others. We've pretty much all agreed he is abusive. If his mum and friend did say that (which I don't believe) then he has told them a pack of lies to make them think that. Seriously well done for blocking. So strong!

BerylStreep · 06/10/2018 13:53

Has he tried to contact you since you blocked him? I hope your resolve is still strong. I've looked back at your posts, and he sounds deeply unpleasant in every sense. You poor thing, no wonder you feel you are going mad.

Original poster
PumpkinPiePlease · 20/10/2018 17:38

Hi all
I’m back as things have taken a bit of a sinister turn. Since splitting up with this arsehole he has tried to get be back (by letter as he is blocked on everything), said he wants marriage and babies and he’s sorry. I ignored this. He’s turned up at my house but I pretended not to be in and he went away.

Today I received an email from a new account that he had set up. He attached several videos which wouldn’t play when I opened them and he said they were ‘proof’ that I had cheated on him when we were together. He said he knew all along I was a cheat, a slag, a liar, a bitch and he’s going to the std clinic for a test. He said there’s one more bit of evidence he has but he can’t put it on email so I need to call him for him to tell me what it is (I absolutely won’t be doing this). He’s also insinuated that he has people watching me and that his friends have also ‘caught me out.’ He’s hacked into my Facebook and attached screenshots of messages that I have had with a male friend of mine since we split up - again, he says this is proof I am a cheat and a liar. He said he is so embarrassed that he was involved with someone as ‘sick’ as me.

I’m scared and don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Skarlet2018 · 20/10/2018 17:42

He's unhinged. Nip this in the bud now and ring the police.

SendintheArdwolves · 20/10/2018 17:51

Do not respond to him.
Get your pc checked for spy ware /key loggers (I am concerned that theses "videos that wouldn't play" might have installed something)
Change all your passwords (not from your home computer)
Tighten your privacy settings on all social media
Talk to the police - they can advise you about whether you can /need to take additional steos
Listen carefully to your gut - do you feel that he is a danger to your physical safety?

Original poster
PumpkinPiePlease · 20/10/2018 18:42

Thank you, I will contact the police.

I’m really worried about the videos - do you think he’s calling my bluff with them? I haven’t cheated on him but I’m worried what they might be of.

Send I don’t think he would harm me physically but then again I don’t know, he seems unhinged.

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 20/10/2018 18:50

The videos are a bluff. He is trying to scare you into contacting him so he can toy with /manipulate you.

Think about it : how could it possibly be "evidence of you cheating"? He wants you to think he has some kind of sex tape of you, and he's trying to get into your head.

He has nothing. My big fear is that the files were a virus which you have installed. Get that checked out.

CountessVonBoobs · 20/10/2018 18:55

Definitely speak to the police and get your computer checked for spyware and keyloggers. The videos are a bluff, like PP I'd be worried he actually got you to install a virus.

I recommend Gavin deBecker's book Them Gift of Fear.

freshflowers · 20/10/2018 18:59

Please don't put up with this, report this to the police ASAP.
Stay safe.

MulticolourMophead · 20/10/2018 19:02

Oh dear. Yes, get your PC checked and talk to the police.

RhubarbTea · 20/10/2018 19:19

Contact the police IMMEDIATELY on the non emergency number. And tell them what you have put in your last post. If he turns up again at your home and you feel unsafe you can dial 999.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I hope this thread will hep others who are dithering over similar arseholes to realise that you should trust your instincts and get the hell away from people like this. Terrifying. Sad

SummerStrong · 20/10/2018 19:30

The videos are a bluff, he sounds desperate, please be careful desperate and unhinged ex's are unpredictable.

Yes to getting your pc checked for spyware etc. And tighten up all passwords on social media and email etc. Once your pc has been checked.

Make a note of every single thing that happens and report it to the police.

rainbowtrain · 20/10/2018 19:31

Report to police and possible i vite a friend or stay with a friend for a few days? Sorry OP 😔

GoldfishCrackers · 20/10/2018 22:31

Police.
Check your phone too, eg any apps you don't recognise? Make sure you're not sharing your location on anything like iCloud/Facebook etc.especially Facebook if he's hacked that.

BerylStreep · 21/10/2018 10:15

Yep, definitely report to police. There is a chance they may say that it doesn't yet amount to harassment (there needs to be a course of conduct which he knew would be unwelcome) but it most definitely meets the definition of malicious communications and hacking.

Good for you for trusting your instincts on this arsehole. Agree with all the advice about tightening privacy settings and getting devices checked for viruses.

HisBetterHalf · 21/10/2018 10:21

I would walk away

confusedmomm · 21/10/2018 11:52

Run!!!

Sexnotgender · 21/10/2018 11:56

Don't try and open the videos. Probably a virus.

Thank fuck you got out when you did he sounds unhinged.

Aprilislonggone · 21/10/2018 12:00

Women are murdered by stalking exes.
Please don't underestimate him.
Police today.

Desmondo2016 · 21/10/2018 12:02

As a police officer who has worked on domestic abuse and safeguarding over the last few years in incredibly alarmed by the latest update. He needs to be dealt with robustly by the police before he escalates. You've handled this excellently OP. Have you reported him yet?

Swipe left for the next trending thread