Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are these red flags? I’m not over reacting here am I?

131 replies

PumpkinPiePlease · 04/10/2018 19:43

I really need some perspective here as I feel like I’m going mad.

Ive been dating a guy for three months and it’s been quite intense from the start. I like him, he’s attractive and funny and we get on well but I think I’ve dropped a bollock on this one as I’ve chosen to overlook some things that are red flags. I’m thibking I should end things before they go any further and just wanted some perspective.

He is extremely bitter about his exes. One beat him up, another cheated on him, the last one left him and broke his heart. He went on a bit of a rant the other day about the last one and said she nagged him all the time, her family took him for granted, she was shallow, she had depression, her Mum was ill and everything revolved around this.

I feel like he’s overshared heavy information too quickly. Things like his abusive childhood, family disputes, past misdemeanours etc all the while telling me he has never divulged this information to any other girlfriends/ lovers so early on. Meanwhile he says I’m a closed book and too private.

He has made comments such as:
‘The first time we slept together I thought you had dirt on your thigh’ (it’s a birthmark)
‘You cum very quickly/you make a lot of noise don’t you’ (maybe overreacting on this but felt like he was comparing me to other people he’s slept with)
‘You have such a beautiful face but your lips are very thin’
‘Have I got the biggest penis out of everyone you slept with?’
‘You’ve got a bogey/spot/mark on your face. Just telling you so you know’
‘I thought you were a stuck up cow on our first date but I thought maybe you were nervous’ (incidentally he told me that when he first met me he rang his best friend on the way home and was raving about how nice I was)

The problem is I’ve mentioned these things to him and I now feel he’s got the upper hand as he keeps saying I make mountains out of molehills, take things the wrong way and, worst of all, that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me. He says he can tell I like to argue that I’m stubborn and have a mean streak in me. I’m bloody mortified and feel really on the back foot here - am I really such a massive bitch for pulling him up?

I find him very atttactive and am worried I’ve stayed this far out of lust. I need some wise words here on what to do next.

OP posts:
DreamsofJacaranda · 04/10/2018 21:39

Run for the hills, and then run some more!

He sounds as though he will destroy your self-worth and manipulate you. You’re already doubting yourself as well as him. You should still be in the “honeymoon” period at just three months in, not being made to feel shit about your lips. Dump him, he’s awful.

Mmer · 04/10/2018 21:41

He sounds weird and mean. Get rid of him.

RiotAndAlarum · 04/10/2018 21:42

Bollocks is he "walking on eggshells." He hasn't held back one little bit! Rude, unpleasant git.

BananaBreadHead17 · 04/10/2018 21:45

bunting full of red flags

^ this

Run away before he takes every scrap of confidence you have left.
It will get worse and worse until you won’t dare say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. Tell him to fuck off. You don’t need lip fillers. You be you, a beautiful strong woman who doesn’t need that bat shit crazy man.

C0untDucku1a · 04/10/2018 21:45

Block him on everything.

He told you about his ‘awful background’ so youd excuse his shitty behaviour.

Leave him. Now. Quickly.

TwistedStitch · 04/10/2018 21:46

He sounds fucking awful and I wouldn't believe a word he tells you about his exes either.

itsbritneybiatches · 04/10/2018 21:48

You don't need lip fillers love you need black bags filling his shit up to give back to him.

bringincrazyback · 04/10/2018 21:49

He's either someone with neurological issues, a rude git, or a Vulcan. And I suspect you'd have noticed the pointy ears if it was option 3.

Run. And not towards him.

IAmcuriousyellow · 04/10/2018 21:50

You should definitely get rid of this one. Three months and he has you feeling like shit about yourself! It’s supposed to make you happy! He sounds hard work and sneaky snidey and this is not going to improve. An awful man. Save yourself, there’s nothing wrong with you I can assure you but he is so pathetic inside he wants to torment you.

forumdonkey · 04/10/2018 21:51

You know when he's saying all these nasty and abusive comments, remember how it makes you feel. Take that feeling and tell him to fuck off. You deserve better than him and feeling like you are not good enough for a controlling, abusive wank stain

LadyGAgain · 04/10/2018 21:57

My oh my. Run. Fast. Run.

Renarde1975 · 04/10/2018 22:01

In concurrence with all of the above. Except...just bin him. Don't text. Don't explain. Walk away and deploy a full No Contact (NC).

A nasty you have picked up there. Doubting your mind and your own sanity. You know what's what OP. And well done on you for that. Good work.

The psychological conditioning will only worsen with time until you are a shadow of your former self. You have spotted it. Well done. Get rid.

Many people take years to overcome the psychological abuses meeted out.

subspace · 04/10/2018 22:08

Oh holy fuck he sounds like a right nasty piece of shit. That's not aspergers or adhd, that's nasty, gaslighting shit.

I'd bet my bottom dollar the things he says his exes did to him are a reverse, and he did to them - he's already turning things you say and do around onto you.

As others say - don't walk, RUN away from this one. Thank goodness you spotted it early. If you stay with him he will destroy your self worth, confidence and tie you in.

RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK

Original poster
PumpkinPiePlease · 04/10/2018 22:51

Ok so I’ve blocked him on everything. No explanation, just blocked.

There is one other thing that’s been bothering me...he said he’s told his best friend about how I speak to him and he advised him to only put up with it if I make him happy. Apparently his mum said the same thing. This is bollocks right? Or is this actually what other people think of me? This is what I mean about me feeling like the abusive one. We’re in our thirties by the way, not teenagers in case your wondering.

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinPiePlease · 04/10/2018 22:52

Thank you for the advice everyone Flowers

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/10/2018 22:56

He's a complete nasty piece of work I wouldn't trust I word that has come out of his mouth!

Lunde · 04/10/2018 23:02

Yikes - more red flags than a string of bunting

Really glad you have blocked him - he sounds like a gaslighter too trying to persuade you that you are at fault for his behaviour

Keep him blocked and don't engage

MissLadyM · 04/10/2018 23:04

Run run run!

MistressDeeCee · 04/10/2018 23:07

If you stay with an unpleasant pig of a man just because he's good looking and/or you find him attractive then good luck with that one.

Shadow1234 · 04/10/2018 23:16

Its probably safe to say, we now know why his exes left him!

Sounds like he's trying to play the victim here. Glad you did the right thing and blocked him. Move on and find someone who can treat you right! You deserve better.

Celticrose · 04/10/2018 23:22

Not surprised the 1st ex beat him up to be honest Shock

TokyoSushi · 04/10/2018 23:27

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 ➡️

Bestlife18 · 04/10/2018 23:29

Pls run for the hills now before you get sucked in any more. He sounds like a complete narcissist - I am 11 weeks out of my marriage with my own version of this ‘man’ and I can tell you that half of it is elaborated to suck you in and make you feel sorry for them. I had the same “ex cheated on me and I gave her everything”, “she suffered from depression”, “my mother was abusive”. Strangely enough, I can fully empathise now if the ex did indeed cheat and know why she might have been depressed! It’s a technique they use to make you fall under their spell. I too was (still am) very attracted to him and that won’t go away. Walk away now though, it is not going to get better I am sorry to say.... best of luck x

BerylStreep · 04/10/2018 23:35

Crikey, he's pulled every number in the book, hasn't he?

What a manipulative arsehole. Be prepared for the guilt trip and attempts to weaken your resolve. Honestly, it must have been painful being in his company.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 04/10/2018 23:42

Well done for blocking him, OP. As others have said he's got abuser written all over him. Three months in and he's making you feel awful. The mind boggles what he'd be like after a year or two. Does he know where you live? Is he likely to kick off once he realises he's been dumped!?