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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are these red flags? I’m not over reacting here am I?

131 replies

PumpkinPiePlease · 04/10/2018 19:43

I really need some perspective here as I feel like I’m going mad.

Ive been dating a guy for three months and it’s been quite intense from the start. I like him, he’s attractive and funny and we get on well but I think I’ve dropped a bollock on this one as I’ve chosen to overlook some things that are red flags. I’m thibking I should end things before they go any further and just wanted some perspective.

He is extremely bitter about his exes. One beat him up, another cheated on him, the last one left him and broke his heart. He went on a bit of a rant the other day about the last one and said she nagged him all the time, her family took him for granted, she was shallow, she had depression, her Mum was ill and everything revolved around this.

I feel like he’s overshared heavy information too quickly. Things like his abusive childhood, family disputes, past misdemeanours etc all the while telling me he has never divulged this information to any other girlfriends/ lovers so early on. Meanwhile he says I’m a closed book and too private.

He has made comments such as:
‘The first time we slept together I thought you had dirt on your thigh’ (it’s a birthmark)
‘You cum very quickly/you make a lot of noise don’t you’ (maybe overreacting on this but felt like he was comparing me to other people he’s slept with)
‘You have such a beautiful face but your lips are very thin’
‘Have I got the biggest penis out of everyone you slept with?’
‘You’ve got a bogey/spot/mark on your face. Just telling you so you know’
‘I thought you were a stuck up cow on our first date but I thought maybe you were nervous’ (incidentally he told me that when he first met me he rang his best friend on the way home and was raving about how nice I was)

The problem is I’ve mentioned these things to him and I now feel he’s got the upper hand as he keeps saying I make mountains out of molehills, take things the wrong way and, worst of all, that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me. He says he can tell I like to argue that I’m stubborn and have a mean streak in me. I’m bloody mortified and feel really on the back foot here - am I really such a massive bitch for pulling him up?

I find him very atttactive and am worried I’ve stayed this far out of lust. I need some wise words here on what to do next.

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 04/10/2018 20:06

He's done a number on you. Textbook abuse traits. The resenting yiur sexual enjoyment is the creepiest thing I've read on here in a while

Rainbowtrain · 04/10/2018 20:07

My goodness
"‘You cum very quickly/you make a lot of noise don’t you’ (maybe overreacting on this but felt like he was comparing me to other people he’s slept with)
‘You have such a beautiful face but your lips are very thin’
‘Have I got the biggest penis out of everyone you slept with?’"

You could write a book with material like this ConfusedConfused
Run. For the hills.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 20:08

I'm agog you had to ask. Dump anyone who makes a disparaging remark immediately, it's negging bollocks designed to wear you down and indicative of an abuser. I'd ghost him and not date again until I worked on my self-esteem.

BlueJava · 04/10/2018 20:09

Sounds awful! No one who cares for someones say that sort of stuff. I hope you quickly find someone else who is worthy of you!

sirmione16 · 04/10/2018 20:10

He obviously makes you feel like shit. That's not a loving relationship is it Hmm cmon now. This is common sense.

CiderBrains · 04/10/2018 20:10

He's trying to convince you he has an illness to justify any future shitty behaviour/comments via him and make you feel guilty for questioning it!

Original poster
PumpkinPiePlease · 04/10/2018 20:11

It’s really not me though is it? I mean I probably am annoying when I pull him up on his comments. Surely he would leave me if I’m that awful?

I am reading everyone’s comments about how it’s him but I’m in this weird situation where I feel like I’m a bit of a nutter and maybe even abusive (‘walking on eggshells’ comment) Confused

MattBerry thank you I’m just about to read that

OP posts:
Dontfeellikeamillenial · 04/10/2018 20:11

He made me feel a right arsehole.
^^

Yup.

They're good, aren't they?

Aprilislonggone · 04/10/2018 20:11

Next time you see him naked you tell him you had hoped for a bf with a bigger penis so you need him to leave and not come back.

RandomMess · 04/10/2018 20:12

It's him! End it before he zaps anymore of your self confidence...

Gardai · 04/10/2018 20:15

He will seriously drive you completely mad, and I’m not joking.
If he’s like this after 3 months, imagine after 3 years. He will get worse and worse. Leave whilst you are still sane.

FurryAndObnoxious · 04/10/2018 20:18

Fuck that. Get him out of your life. What a weirdo

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 20:20

No, it's not you. He's a gaslighting, negging, emotionally abusive cunt. Don't bother giving this a second thought. Ghost him or send him one last message if you want and then don't engage, block him. Don't speak to him in person, abusers use that to manipulate their victims.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2018 20:21

What the fuck are you even doing with him? Are you wanting your life to be total shit? Run as fast as you can.

MsPavlichenko · 04/10/2018 20:21

Yes. No. Get out and I'd advise you to block.

Original poster
PumpkinPiePlease · 04/10/2018 20:22

I was quite confident when I met him and now I feel like I’m not good enough. I’ve even started thinking about having lip fillers cos of his comment about me having thin lips.

I just feel bloody awful. I need to dump him before he tears me down even more.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 20:25

You need to block him now. He is abusing you. You owe him FA. Ghost and block. He's a negging, gaslighting abusive, woman-hating fuck.

PurpleFlowersInMyHair · 04/10/2018 20:25

You doo run run! Don’t go any further with this one - he doesn’t have just one red flag but a wh
the signs are there I’m afraid

CiderBrains · 04/10/2018 20:26

He will wear you down until you don't recognise yourself anymore. He will make you walk on eggshells to massage his ego, wants and needs and won't give two shits about what you want.

It's all about him.

Read; How to beat the Narcissist. A book written by a self confessed Narcissist.

PurpleFlowersInMyHair · 04/10/2018 20:26

Ugh sorry posted too soon!

He doesn’t just have one red flag, but a bunting full of red flags!

HereIgoagainxx · 04/10/2018 21:13

Agree with everyone, ruuuuuuuuuuuun.

He sounds absolutely horrendous.

PolkaDoting · 04/10/2018 21:20

I was quite confident when I met him and now I feel like I’m not good enough

Fucking hell!

Relationships should make you feel great!

notacooldad · 04/10/2018 21:26

Looks like it’s back to the single life for
Nowt wrong with that and it is infinitely better than what you have now.

Inexperiencedchick · 04/10/2018 21:35

Sounds like my Ex!

His first complaint was “you are like a man, you don’t behave like a woman”

Run now and as fast as you can.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/10/2018 21:39

Dump and run, he's a horrid, nasty piece of work.