Are these red flags? I’m not over reacting here am I?

[PumpkinPiePlease]

I really need some perspective here as I feel like I’m going mad.

Ive been dating a guy for three months and it’s been quite intense from the start. I like him, he’s attractive and funny and we get on well but I think I’ve dropped a bollock on this one as I’ve chosen to overlook some things that are red flags. I’m thibking I should end things before they go any further and just wanted some perspective.

He is extremely bitter about his exes. One beat him up, another cheated on him, the last one left him and broke his heart. He went on a bit of a rant the other day about the last one and said she nagged him all the time, her family took him for granted, she was shallow, she had depression, her Mum was ill and everything revolved around this.

I feel like he’s overshared heavy information too quickly. Things like his abusive childhood, family disputes, past misdemeanours etc all the while telling me he has never divulged this information to any other girlfriends/ lovers so early on. Meanwhile he says I’m a closed book and too private.

He has made comments such as:
‘The first time we slept together I thought you had dirt on your thigh’ (it’s a birthmark)
‘You cum very quickly/you make a lot of noise don’t you’ (maybe overreacting on this but felt like he was comparing me to other people he’s slept with)
‘You have such a beautiful face but your lips are very thin’
‘Have I got the biggest penis out of everyone you slept with?’
‘You’ve got a bogey/spot/mark on your face. Just telling you so you know’
‘I thought you were a stuck up cow on our first date but I thought maybe you were nervous’ (incidentally he told me that when he first met me he rang his best friend on the way home and was raving about how nice I was)

The problem is I’ve mentioned these things to him and I now feel he’s got the upper hand as he keeps saying I make mountains out of molehills, take things the wrong way and, worst of all, that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me. He says he can tell I like to argue that I’m stubborn and have a mean streak in me. I’m bloody mortified and feel really on the back foot here - am I really such a massive bitch for pulling him up?

I find him very atttactive and am worried I’ve stayed this far out of lust. I need some wise words here on what to do next.

There is one other thing that’s been bothering me...he said he’s told his best friend about how I speak to him and he advised him to only put up with it if I make him happy. Apparently his mum said the same thing. This is bollocks right?

You're correct. This is gaslighting bollocks. He's tried to spin you up so tight in a web of lies exaggerations and headfuckery that you wouldn't know which way is up any more. Well done on seeing it and sorting things out for yourself. Xx

I've been out with this guy in various guises. He's testing your boundaries and will keep on doing it until you don't know right from wrong anymore.
Be careful with yourself x

Those awful Pick Up Artist types do this. I think they call it "negging". It is meant to kee you off balance and eager to please.
Good for you for blocking him.

Naw mate. He's a horrible cunt. Bin and run

Am I the only one who doesn't see toooo much of an issue with these, if said nicely/jokey?!

• ‘Have I got the biggest penis out of everyone you slept with?’ ‘You’ve got a bogey/spot/mark on your face. Just telling you so you know’*

Keep hold of your soul. And I am not even holy.
Get that arsehole out of your life. Fast

Well done on blocking him. I’ve dated a guy very much like this and it was all little negative insulting comments and if I mentioned them/got annoyed I was overreacting/being silly/hurting his feelings. He walked about constantly ‘being hurt’. He told me once when he was drunk that he enjoyed winding people up.

This is bollocks right? Or is this actually what other people think of me?
Yep this is bollocks and no, nobody thinks of you like that. He is trying to condition and control you and make you feel bad. He feels good when you feel bad.

My ds' father is an abusive narcissist and it was astonishing how much of what he said to me was pure projection. He totally, utterly fucked with my mind. It took me years to see it and years more to disentangle myself emotionally. You have done the right thing. Bravo!

Nice escape, OP he sounds like an absolute mindfucking arsehole.
You wouldn't accept a friend who said these things to you. As for what he's telling you about other people's comments about you, that's utter bollocks. He's either lying to them or lying to you. No one on here thinks you're the mean one.

I don’t believe he ever said any such thing to his friend or mum. He said it to you purely to make you panic that he was on the verge of leaving and so you’d start doing anything he asked to please him.

Phew, so glad you’ve dumped. Don’t meet up with him - even many weeks to come - or answer the door if he turne up - he sounds nasty.

Try not to internalise all the nasty things he said about you - all bollocks! All about him and his “issues”, not you.

It doesn’t matter what his friend/mum think of you, but anyway it’s likely he twisted their words. If the poor sods choose to listen to his bullshit that’s their lookout - can’t be fun for them!

Negging, gaslighting twunt. You’re well rid!

Rule no.1 of gaslighting: make the other person feel that they’re the abuser.

Stop shaking your head thinking you’re the abuser. If he truly thought that then why on earth would he want to stay in the relationship?

Glad you've blocked. Please don't give him anymore head space and think any of this negative bollocks he has said about you is true. It sounds like he's projecting (and also a fucking headcase).

Spend some time with good friends and do some self care to build your self esteem back up.

Well rid and well done!

Well shot of that one OP

Well shot of that one OP there’s plenty of good blokes out there so don’t waste your time on dickheads like that

he keeps saying I make mountains out of molehills, take things the wrong way and, worst of all, that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me. He says he can tell I like to argue that I’m stubborn and have a mean streak in me.

I wouldn't even be talking like this to someone I didn't like, let alone someone I was supposed to like more than anyone else. He's horrid. Yuck. Your lover should be making you feel fantastic about yourself.

Could he have something like aspergers*

people with autism have difficulty showing empathy but they have it just as much as others. That's not to say he doesn't have autism but his nastiness would be in addition.

I just feel bloody awful. I need to dump him before he tears me down even more.

That's it in black and white.

He said he’s told his best friend about how I speak to him and he advised him to only put up with it if I make him happy. Apparently his mum said the same thing.

More gaslighting shit. Oh my god, I'm feeling cross for you!

I wouldn't waste any time worrying about if you're the problem, I mean has anyone ever said any of those things to you before this guy? He's already told you how awful all his exes were so I mean that's pretty telling isn't it?

Another thread with the similar circumstances glad both of you ditched the arsehole, I wish I had been on mn when I was with ds df

Well done for getting rid of him PumpkinPie. You are absolutely right, ALL of those things in your original post are red flags.

Also, to the person who said Could he have something like aspergers - I would just like to point out the people with Asperger's can be blunt and sometimes insensitive or lacking empathy but they are not manipulating, gaslighting arseholes.

Also, to the person who said Could he have something like aspergers - I would just like to point out the people with Asperger's can be blunt and sometimes insensitive or lacking empathy but they are not manipulating, gaslighting arseholes.

Not so. People with Aspergers can also be manipulating, gaslighting arseholes. The two are not mutually exclusive.