Do MILs contradict & argue just to prove they are better mothers than you?

[Dawnybabe]

I usually get on very well with my MIL but since I gave them their first grandchild she has become a bit opinionated and controlling. She calls my dd by her full name when she knows full well we call her by a pet name, and then she tells us off for doing so, saying we should call her by her proper name. Isn't that kind of up to us? She introduced me & dd to a friend of hers, using the full name, and then in front of me said 'but they call her THIS!' and then the old girl she was talking to said 'oh dear' like I'm not even there!

She also tells me that so-and-so's baby is eating solids/going through the night/sitting up/etc etc, and how I should be doing this, that and the other. She was a first time mum once, how the hell did she do it without all her bloody hindsight? She makes me feel like a little kid who's not doing it right. I am a grown woman, married, well qualified, so why does she make me feel like this?
I'm not having a moan really, cos I know I've got it lucky compared to some people, but I just think MILs do this to keep some control over their grandchildren and try and be helpful or something. Only they come across as nosy and knowitall to an insecure, inexperienced first timer. Am I being oversensitive or is this a typical MIL and will it get worse as dd gets older?

Yes. Bloody awful.
What changed for me was when my SIL (her daighter) had a family and she could transfer to them.
My MIL just wound me up continually that everytime we went to stay I had a migraine. She would change their routine, feed them at wrong times etc etc

Hi Dawny - it is fairly typical unfortunately. Just grin and bear it if you can.
On the upside, you'll probably find it will get better rather than worse as your dd gets older. For some reason people are far more interfering and know-it-all about babies - they prey on your lack of experience. As you become a more experienced mum she should back off.
If not, and it becomes unbearable, have a word with her.

I think it's what most mil do. Mine's pretty wonderful but, she irritated the hell out of me when dd was young. Gave her a bottle of expressed milk (when dd was a baby) which had been warmed and took it into the other room so she could feed her and she said "have you checked it's not too hot", I replied "no I just shove it in her gob and hope for the best" (Don't know what came over me!!)
I think most mil's just feel a bit left out of things, so try to compensate by being 'helpful'. Your mil probably thinks she is being helpful. If she's a good sort, it'll probably calm down in time.

First grandchild is bound to see MIL at her worst. Desperate to contribute, competing etc.

My DS was my MIL's 3rd GC and she was dreadfully controlling and when I wouldn't let her, tried to undermine my confidence with snide comments. I was so unhappy for ages and I don't think I'll ever forgive her. I still don't understand how I let her have the power to make me miserable for my baby's first year but put it down to feeling very vulnerable and her being a bully.

Please don't let your MIL upset you. She's being silly and of course she should let you make your own parenting decisions. She's probably irritated that you're standing your own ground and feels the need to assert herself. She's a fool to risk your relationship with her.

Whatever she says, your decisions are the ones that will hold for your DD. And everybody knows that comparing children's development/behaviour is daft. It will get better because your child will get older, meet her milestones regardless of what your MIL thinks, your confidence will grow and your MIL will get the message that her job is to love your DD and not try to parent her.

In a way, I've learned a lot from my MIL about how NOT to behave with my future adult children and their families.

I hope it gets better for you.

My mil was lovely whilst i was pregnant then as soon as i had ds1 turned into a total beeatch and now i hate her.
sorry but i do.
she doesnt put me down in front of people like yours does but she thinks a phone call to her is more important than wether i die or not (long story- most know it!) and she will ask me something then ask dh if she can do something totally different.

like the first and last time i left ds1 with her i took dinner with me for him to have. she then turned to dh and asked
'he can have scrambled egg instead though cant he?'
to which i retorted
'why ask dh? he hasnt a clue!'

also, whilst bfing ds1 she insisted he needed a drink of water so proceeded to sterilise a bottle and force it into ds' mouth!

she is just horrid and if the truth be known she didnt have a clue when bringing dh and his brother up and thinks she is superior to me as she worked one evening a week whilst dh and his bro were small and i am a sahm so am lazy!

will poop this mil thread now, its for the best....

'In a way, I've learned a lot from my MIL about how NOT to behave with my future adult children and their families'

couldnt agree more with that winky.
my mil has taught me only NOT how to behave and raise kids.

Hmm,I would suggest you try to grin and bear it.

I think it is part of the MIL job description:

1)You shall make the first time mother feel as inadequate as possible.

2)You will scoff at said grandchilds chosen name/nickname in a "Well,we did not call them that in our day"type manner.

3)You will try to feed your grandchild solids at 3 months

4)You will try to feed baby sugar and water 2To help the wind"

5)You will be appalled if daughter in law breastfeeds past ooh 3 months tops.

6)You will have all sorts of mad advice re sleep "Ooh stick a bit of whisky on a dummy and give it to her/him they'll sleep a treat"

7)As they get older you will shovel as much Crap additive laden sugary food into the dcs whilst theyare staying with you.

I could go on....
In fairness to my MIL she does love the dcs very much and has been fab in times when I could not get a babysitter/nursery spot.

I think if you grin sweetly and then ignore her,or go home and throw a few things at the wall and have a good rant it is bearable

Ha, malory, can't stop thinking about that one, ds is a teenager!! Suddenly find myself sympathising with some mils

Do they? Absolutely.

Oh, I will be a wonderful mil!!
Pmsl

I think in a weird way a grandchild reminds them of their babies so acutely and they go a bit bonkers and, at some level, think they're the mother. I've particularly noticed this with the daughter in law has a son. It's her boy all over again.

Your initial post could have been written by me 2.5 years ago, especially the "makes me feel like a little kid who's not doing it right" part.

She still does it now but adds a "tell me if I'm interfering though..." as if that makes completely contradicting me and making little of my parenting decisions okay.

Nope, MaloryTowers. I most definitely won't be like my MIL ever as I have more than basic social skills and I'll have a life of my own for starters so ROFL all you like!

Oh flashbacks. Also gave MIL first grandchild and DH is an only son. Initially she drove me nuts, correcting everything I did, assuming that she knew better than I what my son needed. Four months on things have calm as I've employed a strategy of flooding her with quality 1-on-1 time with DS. She's now too knackered to comment.

Exactly, Sobernow. They've brought up THEIR chldren and now it's someone else's turn. I'm a firm believer in only giving advice when asked.

Sobernow,I agree!

I was trying to be lighthearted as the Op is feeling a bit put upon.

Am sure will be similar if PFB ds has kids (though will try not to be!)

My MIL had 4 so is probably an expert but it can be a bit galling being made to feel you do not measure up when it is your first.

Look, it's obvious that there are some hideous mil, my own mil had a really hard time with her's. Believe me she was a cow, she clearly thought that mil wasn't good enough for her boy even after 40 years of marriage. But for some, I think, it's just a phase ( all the mil knows better stuff) and it gets better with time.

My MIL is star. She supports everything we do with out kds, baysits reguarly for the wekend (though she lives in Ireland and us in Scotland) and tkes me seriously as I mother.
She is much much better than my own Mum

I love her!

My dh is an only son & I give MIL her first grand daughter & grand son

With dd she was a PITA.

Then she started criticising me behind my back

She hardly ever saw ds when he was a baby but after a long chat to clear the air last year I am happy to say we are closer than ever.

They are great to the kids, live just up the road & pop in all the time or we pop into see them

I have to say that they never give the kids anything to eat unless they ask if they have had their dinner, not only had their dinner, but ate it all!

We were down there tonight actually, I really am lucky.

Though on Saturday night we were talking about when ds gets married [he's 2 now!] & I said, "No chance, I don't want some bitch corrupting my son & making him not love me!" She grinned at me & said "Ah you never know... he might just bring home someone like you, we didn't do too badly" And I was chuffed to bits!

Wow, I necer thought this was such a common problem.
I wonder if there is a book they all read on how to annoy your DIL after baby
Anyway, I used to get on just fine with MIL but like most ppl say here when DS was born it all changed.

Think it is slowly getting bettr now as DS is nearing 1.5.