Do MILs contradict & argue just to prove they are better mothers than you?

[Dawnybabe]

I usually get on very well with my MIL but since I gave them their first grandchild she has become a bit opinionated and controlling. She calls my dd by her full name when she knows full well we call her by a pet name, and then she tells us off for doing so, saying we should call her by her proper name. Isn't that kind of up to us? She introduced me & dd to a friend of hers, using the full name, and then in front of me said 'but they call her THIS!' and then the old girl she was talking to said 'oh dear' like I'm not even there!

She also tells me that so-and-so's baby is eating solids/going through the night/sitting up/etc etc, and how I should be doing this, that and the other. She was a first time mum once, how the hell did she do it without all her bloody hindsight? She makes me feel like a little kid who's not doing it right. I am a grown woman, married, well qualified, so why does she make me feel like this?
I'm not having a moan really, cos I know I've got it lucky compared to some people, but I just think MILs do this to keep some control over their grandchildren and try and be helpful or something. Only they come across as nosy and knowitall to an insecure, inexperienced first timer. Am I being oversensitive or is this a typical MIL and will it get worse as dd gets older?

Nothing wrong with ignoring advice, Boo64!

If someone gets offended because you've chosen to do things ahem, with YOUR child that is different to the way they've recommended, then that person clearly has problems that you don't need to trouble yourself with.

My mil does a lot for us and ds, and I really do think that (within reason) that if she is looking after him, then its her call on what they do and when he gets his lunch, naps etc..

I present My MIL to all you Pollyannas out there.
Total lack of emotional or physical boundaries; turning up at my home uninvited,
barging through the flat, commenting on my housekeeping
I think the crunch came (when I knew she was insane) was when she tried to come to the birth of my daughter. Even my own mother offered, and I said Id rather be alone. My husband called MIL to say Id had the baby, (in the evening) and she said " What! Already! But Im nearly there!" She turned up, grabbed the baby and ran out of the room, while I was still lying with my legs open. The MIDWIFE had to ask her to bring the baby back. God it makes me so angry thinking about it. I (again) gave her the benefit of the doubt. But nope, the next day she said, "Oh, we (shed come with childless SIL) hoped wed arrive while you were still in pain but we missed it" ?!?!?! 3 days after the birth "Youre still fat aren`t you"

This is why I donT like her, to put it mildly; Snidey comments (constantly), criticising (constantly), always lecturing about the "right" way to do things. Playing family members off against one another to divide and rule and keep control. Her obsession with status and the fact she envies other people and believes others envy her. The eternal martyr. The way that EVERYTHING she does comes with a price of duty/obligation. Shed never do something "from the heart" or just because she felt like it. Everything she does is weighed out in terms of how its going to benefit her. FOr example, when my daughter was 5 weeks old, I asked MIL to babysit her for a few hours in the evening JUST TO BE KIND and let her be involved. It turned into what a HUGE favour she was doing for me and how I needed to appreciate her so much
etc etc. Any normal granny would be over the moon to babysit her grandaughter, just for the sake of it, not in order to have her DIL to be forever in her debt.
The list goes on and on and on

Gosh poor you Sakura....she sounds awful!!

My MIL made a similar weight comment - I said I thought my tummy had gone down ok (the day after) but she pipes up with 'well it looks like you are having twins and one hasn't come out yet'. ARGH !!! How rude. I so regret not saying to her (she is quite overweight) 'well what's your excuse then'

OOOOHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo!

I am so scared now! I am 25 weeks today. My MIL and I have a quite good relationship but she is prone to the odd remark like "you're looking quite chubby" and when I complained the other day about having a bump, she said "well, yes, you are pleasantly plump" (I am 9 stone) and 'I never put on any extra weight when I had your DH' and now I am SO SCARED that she will start on me when the baby is born with lots of comments about being still fat etc.

Aaargh.

Sometimes helps to just remember to yourself (and this is horrible......but hey, I've got PMT today ) you've got their Son, you've got their grandchild, you are no.1 in the lives of both of those people, so where does the power really lie here.......

therefore you are kind DIL allowing MIL to have such a close involvement in GC's life...

Oh god where do i start with my MIL?!! She is just awful... has done nothing but cause is problems since we got together, is horrible to my kids (my DH's step children), and now we have our own DS is not in the slightest bit interested in seeing him, but spends virtually every weekend with DH's other children, takes them on holiday, out for days, spends a small fortune on monsoon clothes for my step daughter (only had a son, so grandaughter is the daughter she never had). I have tried to be polite to her, but have now found out that for the last year she has been slagging me off to her hairdresser (who i a have known for 13 years!), to the point that the hairdresser has told her she doesn't want her as a client anymore. Told her that she can't imagine what DH saw in me and that our marriage won't last and he will leave me. I only had DS to keep him, i am cold and unapproachable.. ooh and also my house is filthy!! In addition she is a heavy drinker, so to be honest i have decided that she is someone that i don't need in my life!! My DS is better off without her.

Well I am sure with most MIL there is an element of jealousy. I mean my DH is an only son and now I live with him and her 2 gs. She drives me nuts but in my more rational moments I remember this and realize actually its pretty tough being a MIL with a DIL. Especially if that DIL has a good realtionship with her parents.

The other thing is I am quite sure most of us do occasionally get similar comments from our own mums and not get as wound up about it.

As far as the cleaning goes it just shows how different we all are. I would be over the moon if MIL came and cleaned out my fridge, did ironing and hoovering etc. Infact if she babysits and does not do the washing up I get annoyed. Cooking for me would be an added bonus too.

So all in all lets cut them some slack. Those of us with sons are probably going to be in their position one day and I think it will be tough.

Nope. I've cut my MIL PLENTY of slack by either being incredibly polite or keeping my mouth shut even when she's been a complete controlling arse by uninviting people to my wedding, telling me I'm not feeding my son properly and that she's going to wean him etc.. .. ..

She should cut me some slack!

Some people's MILs (Sakura esp) sound awful.

IME it was my own Mum who was like this with the advice and the comments. But then I think she was feeling guilty for choosing to leave her family while we were stil young.

I didnt appreciate it as I thought she had given up the right to parent me or mine when she walked out .....

I hate it when they say things like "we didn't have these soft play centre places/TV/computers/washing machines/dishwashers/still had rationing in fact. We stayed at home and baked and sewed and told stories and had coffee mornings and tupperware parties, and when it rained, we out and splashed in the puddles. Like hell.

o'h yes fossil - forgot that one! My MIL is constantly remarking that she didn't go out nearly as much with DH as I do with ds. He has caught a fair number of colds this winter as he attends a creche and I have been deemed a bad mummy for making him go to such an awful place

Sakura yours sound a bit like mine.
She kept phoning while I was in labour. DS had to go into special care immidiately after birth and when MIL rang DH picked up phone and sounded sad.

She wanted to come up to hospital (this was 11 in the evening) and DH was begging her not to come.
We thought nothing more of it (obviously a bit preoccupied with more serious matters) the suddenly she burst into the labour room.

DH just blanked her and I had to console her. FFS I was finally in bed (stood up all through labour - phew) and hadn't had a shower yet.

She wasn't being supportive at all just wanted us to feel sorry for her.

I've never been able to forget and forgive as to me this is just so typical of her. She craves peoples sympathy all the time, but this was certainly not the right time for it.

MIL called at 6am the other morning saying 'can I speak to my grandson'. Turns out she wants to call everyday so he doesn't forget her. He's 15m!

My daughter's paternal grandmother has seen her three times since she was born. Suits me fine. I think she figured out that I wouldn't be the roll-over her youngest daughter was, and would bring up my daughter the way I wanted to, not the way she told me to.

I doubt she even knows I'm 35 weeks pregnant with her son's second child. Again, doesn't bother me at all.

For those of you that have excellent relationships with your mothers in law I salute you, enjoy and be merry. To those who do not, be strong my friends

Agnes

my dh says my mil is giving me advice and trying to help, but if i wanted advice i would ask for it. will never forget her pushing me out of the way to finish changing the new babys nappy, putting her back to me.
trouble is, although she loves the baby, she thinks she knows best, so when i say don;t leave him to cry, she does, as she wants to do things her way which of course is best! i don;t leave her alone with him.

i do try to be polite, but she doesn;t! and if i disagree with her, she has this sneery smile which says " i know best, you pitiful creature"

its true muppetty- about the jealousy. But what happens if (like I did) you took that into consideration, invited her over for Sunday lunches, and was generally warm and friendly to her to balance out the fact shes obviously a miserable old bag. And she <span class="italic">still</span> treated you like mine did? Like Winky said below, sheS an idiot for trying to exclude her DIL.

My MIL is okay up to a point but is a bit controlling - she disappears with the baby whenever she can - in restaurants, at the park etc, and has a habit of disregarding anything I say that she doesn't agree with (a certain food allergy for example). I just grit my teeth and moan afterwards - not the most mature way of asserting myself!

Mine was another one who rang whilst I was in the final throes of labour because she "couldn't bear it any more"... gee, patience must have been hard compared to the agony I was going through! She drives me potty because DH is golden-boy and DS is golden boy's son, and I am "the wife". She turned up on my doorstep when DS was a few week's old, unannounced, expecting to stay the weekend, expecting to be fed and didn't even lift a finger to make a cup of tea (she needs one an hour) or to wash up after the dinner I managed to put together. But I've now figured it's therefore her that misses out because if she treated me with respect and friendship then she would see far more of DH and DS as I am the organiser in this family and DH wouldn't even ring his mum without me reminding him.

Well, my DH made the mistake of waiting an hour or two after DS1's birth to ring around (selfish man that he is, decided to hold his newborn whilst I was delivering afterbirth, being stitched etc).... MIL declared in a nasty tone, "How long ago? You could've rung earlier." Then, when he told her the name she said, "yes, I knew it would be that". (Even though the name had never been mentioned). I marvel at her entire knowledge of absolutely EVERYTHING in the world, I really do.

I think others got there before me though - it really is a good lesson for those of us with boys... on how to endure yourself to your future DIL. So keep smiling....

Yes, Smutti, mine also knows absolutely everything

Well sakura I do agree. I hope that even if I am a touch jealous I have the intelligence to realize that the relationship with your DIL is the key to the relationship with your gc and son. It sounds as if yours really hasn't got that at all! Mine is far from perfect but not quite as bad as yours.