Do MILs contradict & argue just to prove they are better mothers than you?

[Dawnybabe]

I usually get on very well with my MIL but since I gave them their first grandchild she has become a bit opinionated and controlling. She calls my dd by her full name when she knows full well we call her by a pet name, and then she tells us off for doing so, saying we should call her by her proper name. Isn't that kind of up to us? She introduced me & dd to a friend of hers, using the full name, and then in front of me said 'but they call her THIS!' and then the old girl she was talking to said 'oh dear' like I'm not even there!

She also tells me that so-and-so's baby is eating solids/going through the night/sitting up/etc etc, and how I should be doing this, that and the other. She was a first time mum once, how the hell did she do it without all her bloody hindsight? She makes me feel like a little kid who's not doing it right. I am a grown woman, married, well qualified, so why does she make me feel like this?
I'm not having a moan really, cos I know I've got it lucky compared to some people, but I just think MILs do this to keep some control over their grandchildren and try and be helpful or something. Only they come across as nosy and knowitall to an insecure, inexperienced first timer. Am I being oversensitive or is this a typical MIL and will it get worse as dd gets older?

That's the bit I don't understand.

Why would you be jealous? That's not normal to my mind. Why would you covet someone else's child and not want to see your son and his wife learning to be parents without your interference? Bring it on - let them have the responsibility instead of me!

Sobernow, you're very charitable. I did try giving my MIL the benefit of every doubt, but it got me nowhere.

Her advice consisted of telling me over & over again that babies thrive on neglect.

She boasted about putting dh down somewhere when he was a baby, and then forgetting where she'd left him - not once or twice, but often.

She would regularly pretend that she did not recognise her own children in the street. They apparently believed her and thought all mothers were the same.

She thought insults were a good way of showing affection and called dh 'Podge' (not just in private) right into his forties. She did it even more when she realised how much I hated it.

Yes, she was blind with jealousy but sympathy was wasted on her.

Having said that, there's loads of good advice on here which would have helped me a lot if she'd been normally bonkers instead of off the scale.

For anyone wondering what the heck I was on about, I meant endear, not endure.... and it took a long soak in bath for me to realise that!

WEll exactly Winky. It took me loads of mumsnetting and web-searching before it finally clicked that she was jealous, then everything fell into place. IT wasnt an emotion I was expecting from her. I expected warmth and pleasure that there was going to be a new addition to her family. But the more I think back, the more I see she has been exhibiting signs of jealousy for a long time. When we announced I was pregnant, I caught her eyes, and it wasnt joy in them. It was more, suprise or something. Then her first words were "Oh, that was sooner that I thought" Why would when she "thought" I would conceive have any bearing on reality?

I've just spent two weeks with my MIL. Although she seems to have come down from her first grandchild hysteria there's still the silent controlling over food, sleeping and the comments, although very subtle.

I took the big step of actually laughing in her face when she started her usual crying about missing my ds two days before we were due to leave. She was shocked and just stopped. I think she was waiting for the invite to come and stay with us.

Sadly no invite needed apparently as she and my SIL were planning her trip here for Christmas!!!!!!!!!

Have spent hours trying to figure out why most things involving my DD seem to involve an exhausting 'control' struggle with MIL. That's the only way I can describe it really and this came as a total shock tbh when DD was born as I was not able to predict what kind of an effect the birth of her first GC was going to have! I had read about controlling MILs beforehand but never thought that would happen as I consider myself pretty laidback - I was SO naive!!!

Have decided that 2 things influence the way my MIL behaves:

1. MIL comes from a culture where the grandmother takes a very matriarchal role as head of the family. I think she therefore regards this time as 'her turn' and slightly resents me for not giving way to her on all matters baby-related.

2. She lives in a different country which means that during her visits here she tries to take over everything to the point that I feel totally suffocated.

I veer between feeling extremely bitter about the way she has behaved and feeling guilty about feeling bitter as I can appreciate that it must be difficult living so far away. My guilt pushes me to make every effort to include her more and then she does something to take the p*ss and then I wonder why I bother...

Am with the others though who cannot understand the jealousy thing if that is indeed what it is. I would have thought that a grandmother would feel pride that their son or daughter now has a child of their own and has presented her with a wonderful opportunity to cherish her grandchildren. Really, where does the jealousy come from?

I love my MIL, she is like a mother to me.

My parents had the same relationship with their MILs too.

I think your expectations of your relationship with your MIL can be reflected on how your parents got on with their PIL.

My mum loved my paternal grandmother, and my dad loved my maternal grandmother too.

My DH loves my mum

We all get on really well.

The only thing that really grates though on the part of my MIL - she has told me several times that "a daughter is a daughter for life, but a son is a son only till he gets married".

Not true in the case of my dad, definitely, but a part of me does think about that everyday (yes I do want a dd - I have two DSs).

It might help that we live on the other side of the world, but I couldn't hope for a better MIL.

With my MIL food is a massive battleground - she will ask if ds can have x, I say no I'd rather he didn't have x (he is only 2) and then she just tries to talk me into it anyway or ignores my explanation of why I don't want him to have it (e.g. x is a cholking hazard or it's too close to dinner time) and gives it him anyway!! ARgh!!!

Exactly like my MIL again boo64.
She won't accept that I don't want him to have sweeteners or some stupid baby cup or other and just never takes no for an answer but tries to make me feel silly for not wanting it. Arrrgghhhh!!!!

I have LOTS of issues with MIL and I hope I can resolve them before DS senses I don't like his GM.
Me and sis grew up not liking our GM probably because mum didn't get on with her, just like a previous poster said.

When my baba was a small baby (he's only 8months now) id give mil a bottle to feed him and she'd refuse saying the milk was far too hot and she'd go cool it down!!! Baba liks his milk very warm i explained to her, she said i could give him it that hot at home but she would not in her house!
Also when he was 3months we were havin luch at hers and she shoved icecream in his mouth!

ARGH they are so annoying.

Has anyone dared to give their MIL one of those 'How to be a fab Grandma' type books that covers dealing with the parents too?

There is one by Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall's (ha bet I didn't spell that right!) mum I think.

I'd love to get one for MIL but it might seem a bit odd now 2 yrs on and like I think she needs it (which she does frankly)

Guitargirl

We've got the same MIL from the same culture. I forgot about the matriarch thing but you know what - I don't care.

But I go through the same cycles, anger, remorse, guilt and then I make an enormous effort and she then pushes me too far.

How does everyone deal with MILs who invite themselves to stay for a month?

Do you think all these MILs giving DILs a hard time (and I don't doubt it!) have any idea just how bad they make you feel? I don't think they realise the power they hold.. .. .. ..and why are they so powerful?

(Hic - had a skinful of wine tonight)

mm22bys, I wish it was as simple as your expectations determining the experience you have with your own PIL.

I do not recall any in-law trouble for my parents when I was growing up and so was not expecting to be annoyed by my MIL when I had DS1. How wrong you can be......

yes...think she always worried about being left behind and wanted me to know that i was always in the wrong so that i knew she was still needed in a strange sort of way - we clashed many many a time

My MIL always wants to know every single detail about DS's life from what pants he's wearing to what classes he goes to etc. I find it a bit stalker-ish. I don't know every detail about his life so why does she feel the need? It's odd.

Plus when she visits, she acts like my home is hers offering visitors tea, coffee etc. Petty but it annoys me because I think it's rude and arrogant to offer people stuff that doesn't belong to you.. ... .. ..Go on, tell me I'm being pathetic but I really think it's all to do with her feeling like she can do what she likes when she likes in her son's home. I don't like it.

That would annoy me too Spandex

my MIL is fab in every way and she really helps with the kids despite living miles away

Mine was a pain too in the early days. I can't accept that even a post menopausal woman could ever forget just how tigerish and hormonal and just bloody overwhelmed a first time mother can feel....and therefore ought to realise we don't need her to undermine what we're doing. Mine fussed about swaddling newborn ds1 in an extra blanket at the tropically heated hospital 12 hours after his birth in late July, and brought along sil, fil and 2 neices...after I'd been awake 3DAYS in a stretch prior to his birth. I just wanted to cry and make them all go away, fond as I am of sil, the neices etc.,and so the intrusions went on and on, snatching my babies, worse, calling them fusspots if, soon after arrival at her house, they were taken off me by ILS and naturally would cry to be back with me .

Spandex, thats a very good point.
Its true that they might just not realise the way we feel. Mine is a bully, through and through BUT, I think in some weird way, she assumed I could handle her bullying.
And I could before I had a newborn in my arms. But then it just became unbearable. But because MIL had no big life changing event/shift of hormones, she just carried on her merry way, and it was suddenly not allright anymore for me.
I finally got my DH to get her to stay away, and to be fair, she has. She only lives down the road, and I havenT seen her for nearly 4 months now, because I couldnT take her anymore. I am respecting the fact sheS respecting what Ive asked.
I think there are times when even though we know our behaviour is wrong, we just canT imagine the effect it may have on another person (that is the ability to empathise). I think this may be the case with her. But if Im really honest, I think she just thought ID never have the guts to stand up to her. She thought I was totally on my own (my mother is crap- see long thread), and she tried to take advantage of that. If i hadnt "stood up" to her bullying, she would still be doing it now. But when you stand up to bullies, you often find that theyre weaker people that you perceived them to be. When we have a baby, our perceptions are way off kilter. So what seemed to her like "holding the baby", to me felt like "kidnapping my newborn" and my body and mind reacted to this accordingly. Basically, shortly after the birth of a baby is <span class="italic">not</span> a good time to decide to bully a woman. And MILs who have made this mistake will find a bloody battle on their hands in the future because it imprints on the new mothers brain "DANGER= ALERT= PROTECT", and even when the hormones have died down, and the baby is older, trusting someone who didn`T respect you when you had a baby is always going to be very very difficult.

Agree 1000% Sakura.

only read the opening post, but in my experience if you say something when they're young then it helps out for the later months.

we're lucky that (well I am) that my inlaws like 200 miles away. while it's lucky in the respect that we do our thing they do their thing and we only see them for approx 4/5 weeks a year - obv lots of phone calls thou. anyhow ,during those weeks I now look forward to them coming so it means I can have a break - yes I have the whole xyz etc BUT I can grin and bear it for a week, also I think in her own way MIL is only trying to help me out. and it makes her feel wanted, and needed iycwim. so althou we don't always get on - and haven't always had a good relationship esp when she's been drinking and abised my DH down the phone with a little bit of give from me and her we've managed to reach an unsteady comprimise. don't get me wrong wasn't alwasy so - apparently when he was 2 weeks old (new mum and all wanted to do everything) I didn't let her do any nappy changes - literally she was allowed to hold him and thatw as all - no advice no taking him out no nohitng- not even pushing the pram - I was actually quite a mare, but it was only when my parent (mum esp) pointed out all of this that I realised I was making things harder for me if that makes sence? so then when the weaning cam e up I listened, SHE listened and we sort of did a listen but don't always do iycwim. DH also talked to them about it all.

it will settle down for you, honeslt it will do, how old is DD?

DS is now 15 months and as I say I look forward to them coming - they come for a week and for at least 3 days he goes out with them on their own (the whole bonding etc thing - gives me a break) one day DH and them go out - gives MIL a chance to fuss over both of the boys, and the other day's i'm about. yes I do normally have a bit of a fall out after as PIL obv like to spoil their GC but it doesn't last for v long. we're not at the stage when I can say to MIL can you not give him chips/chocolate for lunch today as he's had it once already this week (or whatever it might be) and she'll say yes no probs come back and it's normally something just as unhelathy, but it doesn't happen often.

as you get more experienced you'll learnt to put a lot to the wey side.

(ooh and if we move closer I've gotta say it i'm dreading it cos I have a feeling PIL will wantto be a lot more involved - once a month yes every day no! lol) but we'll work it out as we go along.

yogabird, shall we start a my MIL is great thread

So, in summary, MIL are evil old witches because:

they do / don?t make cups of tea
they interfere in / don?t lift a finger in the kitchen
they insist on using the DG full / pet names
they visit too much / not enough ...

rofl. this thread is so funny.