Do MILs contradict & argue just to prove they are better mothers than you?

[Dawnybabe]

I usually get on very well with my MIL but since I gave them their first grandchild she has become a bit opinionated and controlling. She calls my dd by her full name when she knows full well we call her by a pet name, and then she tells us off for doing so, saying we should call her by her proper name. Isn't that kind of up to us? She introduced me & dd to a friend of hers, using the full name, and then in front of me said 'but they call her THIS!' and then the old girl she was talking to said 'oh dear' like I'm not even there!

She also tells me that so-and-so's baby is eating solids/going through the night/sitting up/etc etc, and how I should be doing this, that and the other. She was a first time mum once, how the hell did she do it without all her bloody hindsight? She makes me feel like a little kid who's not doing it right. I am a grown woman, married, well qualified, so why does she make me feel like this?
I'm not having a moan really, cos I know I've got it lucky compared to some people, but I just think MILs do this to keep some control over their grandchildren and try and be helpful or something. Only they come across as nosy and knowitall to an insecure, inexperienced first timer. Am I being oversensitive or is this a typical MIL and will it get worse as dd gets older?

Well don't really agree with my MIL "parenting" skills and FIL was abusive to DH when he was child ..BUT they adore DD and lavish love (and suger, E-laden crap on her give her pizza and chips for every meal)....but she looks after DD twice a week while I am at work babysits every now and then with occasional overnight (was initially annoyed she didn't do this more often but on reflection she had a cot death and doesn't talk about it a lot but I think has scarred her she once told me she doesn't sleep when DD sleeps over as has to keep checking she is ok )...
She could be a lot worse and she loves my DD a lot and they have a wonderful relationship

WinkyWinkola, I could have written your post.
Thats exactly the experience I had.

They should hand out a now you are a mother leaflet at the hospital:

You should realise that MIL/Mother is jealous of you and the fact that you have both her DS and her DGC.

You should try to include her so she does not feel left out.

Invite them over when you are ready.

Ask her for some advice on trivial things so she feels part of baby's life.

And there should be another leaflet for the MIL/Mother now that you are a Granny

you should realise that mother is insecure and needs you to give her lots of compliments (i.e. "you are doing a great job" "baby looks so happy")

Give baby and mother space to get to know eachother.

Go visit them in the hospital, and then leave them alone for min. a week (phone before to ask if it is okay for you to visit).

Ask if there is anything you can do.

Bring food and leave in the freezer.

MAKE YOUR OWN TEA/COFFEE when you visit them. You know you know how to work a kettle.

Disagree about the make food for freezer and make own drinks maisemor.

Once MIL babysat she did washing up and it really annoyed me. Pleased DH and I think I'm being petty but I wouldn't dream of doing housework in someone elses house..

Well I feel a lot better now, at least I know it's not me!
She's not too bad really, I just wish she'd give me a little credit every now and then. She was obviously a good mother cos dh turned out fine, although his brother is a bit wild come to think of it....
The trouble is my mum died last year, just before I found out I was pregnant, so my mil is all I've got and sometimes I wish she'd remember that.

ooh good thread.

Wrinklytum love your list - can I add 'MIL will expect dc to be potty trained by age 1 and if they aren't will mention it at every opportunity'!

Agree with Archie'smum- I don't like the idea of the MIL coming over and shoving food in my freezer without asking - it makes me feel like she doesn't think I can cope with feeding everyone.

I do agree with other posters - it does get easier as things settle down!! Now ds is a toddler he adores his grandma and so I focus on showing her how much he adores her - she has now backed off a little with the unwanted advice/ giving the impression she knows her dg better than me etc

Re whether MILs have useful advice - well yes probably but mine's always involved advice that was 30 years' out of date e.g. wean too early, cranky remedies for wind etc

But they usually mean well - I think in their day they all relied on their elders to teach them about babies more than we do today - we have more childcare books, the internet and of course mumsnet!

oh yes boo64, my MIL says things like its something wrong with DCs who are not pottytrained at 18 months [shock at my DS is 17 months and far from ready)

Outdated advise and probably forgetting how things really were

oh yes - Mil reckons dh never ever did anything wrong/ never cried/ no tantrums etc. This leaves me feeling I must be rubbish as ds does.

But then I will probably think that when ds is older and I look back with rose tinted specs

Hearing MIL talking about my nephew and SIL talking about her DS you would never realise they were talking about the same boy.

maisemor, thats a fantastic list. I HATE my MIL to the point of no return now, but even I concede that things would have been better if weD been given that info. If id known MIL was being a bitch because she was blind from jealousy, I`d have known how to cope. Silly, naive me, always saw the best in people and thought she was on my side. Ha! How wrong I was.

Message withdrawn

well I think building it up into a evil mil thing isn't going to help. She's just over excited to have a baby to play with, that she can also hand back! OK it's irritating, but I bet it's not 100% one sided. DOn't rise to it, accept she might actually have a point sometimes, and let the rest wash over. If it makes you feel any better, I'm regularly given annoying parenting 'advice' from my GRAND mother -in-law, who had ONE baby, sixty years ago. I've had 3, and a bit more recently, so feel more secure in my knowledge/position. But I still smile nod, thank and politely ignore said advice.

It's a pain.

My MIL doesn't intervene at all. Having lost one of her two sons to AIDS she kind of realises her own parenting methods might not have been perfect... but I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Do you feel that your MIL isn't informed on modern parenting methods/debates? Does she read? Can you buy/lend her some books?

does it not just freak everyone out a little that most of us are going to be MIL's one day??
those of you who have boys are going to have it best!!
i think i would be a great MIL
but no one will ever be good enough for my dd

its tricky though, i think

if i am honest, i am a bit hypersensitive after i have kids, and I only want my mum around, not my MIL.

She did stuff like reproachfully cleaning out the fridge and commenting on it
a state (on the grounds that now i am a sahm, albeit one with a fortnight old baby and a 22mo toddler, i should have PLENTY of time for such things). but what got me was NOT the arsey comment, it was the cleaning. It was MY house and she had NO RIGHT to clean. I look back on that a bit

otoh, she DOES play daft power games....

its tricky. personality wise we are very different. she is an obsessive worrying type, which translates IMO into constant nagging and undermining. I suspect i come over to her as a bit irresponsible with priorities and views that she can't comprehend.

but we are both able to care for my kids, her grandkids, competantly, and we both have different strengths. she doesn't play-she is too, whatever the nice word is for uptight. But I don't have the patience to read bloody Thomas for HOURS.

So dunno why theres all this tension, really. was fine prekids.

if you start a job and the person sitting next to you has been there 20 years, they can probably tell you a few things about the place. it's up to you if you take their advice or not but if they tell you you have to put the paper in the printer upside down are they undermining you or are they trying to help you and give you the benefit of their experience and save you from wasting paper trying to figure out which way it goes in?

sometimes, just sometimes, they are trying to help. well or clumsily or bossily, they think they know more because what you are just starting - they've done. and while every child is different yes, you will find there are lots of things that, well, just are.

you just don't walk into a new job and know as much as someone who has been there for years. same with parenting. it's not always because they hate you or think you are crap, is all i am saying.

i know, some are mad/bad/need shipping to the moon, but most are probably not evil, just like you won't be evil when your first grandchild is born and has colic and you tell the mum what worked for you when their husband was your little baby and wonder why your next cup of tea tastes so funny.

I agree with Mytwopenceofworth but... main problem could be that the way they did the work in their time has changed considerably, i.e.:

-MIL thought it was stupid to continue trying to breastfeed when formula was much better for the baby.

-In her times and country babies were weaned at 3m with poached eggs mixed with orange juice as the first food ever.

-Children were expected to be pottytrained just after their first birthday (mine was not even walking by then)

So, as some MILs follow the philosophy of "You are the mother, but I have the experience", the perfect answer to that would be to use what it is helpful, ignore wrong suggestions, or ship them out of the planet.

LOL trippleshot, great strategy

Mytwopenceworth, ikwym.

You go to your mil and say, "oh he cries all the time," and instead of the sympathy that you wanted, you get advice; "put his dummy in syrup," "don't feed him to soothe him all the time he'll come to expect it," or whatever.

But maybe it's not always because they want to undermine you, it's because they want to help the only way they know how.

My mil's pretty darn good most of the time tbh. She babysits ds even when he is in one of his screaming moods, so I can get some sleep.

And so, occasionally, I have to put up with the odd "flick his feet while you're feeding him to stop him sleeping", or, "why not give him a bottle of water if he's thirsty to spare your nipples," but I just smile unless the advice she gives is totally contrary to what I want to do.

Although I also know there are some nightmare mils out there too!

I think the problem is when you don't actually ask for advice and all you get are coments and criticism.

It's an age old means of bullying because new mums are very vulnerable and despite wanting to try things out for themselves, worry about making mistakes.

btw what do you all say to the completely out of date/ inappropriate or even dangerous MIL advice 'gems'?

I have always struggled with this - if I try and explain e.g. why babies have to sleep on their backs if poss these days, she doesn't seem to take it in anyway.

So I just end up looking like I am ignoring her advice

my PIL are across the other side of the world and still manage to try and control what we do.

gave them first grandson of their eldest son. they originally booked flights to be here when he was born, but he was 8 weeks early so we actually got some time on our own with him before the arrived.

MIL does mean well and does eventually back off but it was FIL who really made me feel completely worthless and useless when they were over here. every time DS was crying he would look at MIL and tell her to deal with it - and tell her to come witrh me for every nappy change .

When DS woke in the night for feeding FIL would wake up and then wake MIL up and tell her "he's crying, go and look after him".

I can see when they hold him and see in photos they do look at him as if he is their DS and not grandson.

But they are getting better, although we are ttc at the moment so I expect it'll all start up in a year again or so (fingers crossed!)

I just look really shocked and say, "wow, so people really did put babies on their tummy to sleep / put farex in their bottles / give them brains at six weeks, I thought it was just an urban myth!"

I could have written your post myself dawnbaby!
It is really strange, but I think it is just we are full of hormones and insecurities and they are full of advice and want to help.

I was really offended by some of mils comments after ds was born, somethings she said were a bit insensitive and after that everything she seemed to say appeared to be a dig. I am not a confrontational person and I found it really difficult. In the end I wrote her a letter (not to give to her) just to vent my feelings, I thanked her for my wonderful husband and grandson and told her how important it was to me that her and ds had a good relationship, as I never had a good relationship with my own gran partly because her and my mum didn't get on.
I know it seems a really strange thing to do but it really helped me and it reminded me that the most important thing is ds, I can put up with a few stupid comments if it allows him to enjoy seeing his gran.
Things have got much better and it does get easier with time, probably because you get your confidence back and grow a thicker skin!!
We are hoping to have number 2 soon, so it will probably start all over again!!

Sorry went on a bit didn't I !!!