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Original poster

Dating thread 140 - Why????

999 replies

RunsforCake14 · 02/10/2018 09:30

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
changeoflife · 07/10/2018 11:45

Of course 2 people getting together does not make me uncomfortable. The history was that the No Dating the Thread rule was removed by Kin without discussion beforehand, argued vehemently by Bendy that he was justified in doing so and now appears that it was done so for their benefit. To what end I'm not sure. They could have met, got together and lived happily ever after without anyone else ever being the wiser. Perhaps if they'd been more transparent about their motives the whole situation wouldn't have arisen. Like I said, I wish them well and hope things work out for them.

BendyLikeBeckham · 07/10/2018 12:18

Thanks for the good wishes changeoflife . We are very happy indeed. And there is no thread rule that can dictate our lives, so it wasn't removed for 'our benefit'. It was a light hearted joke at the time. The rules are guidelines to help and support people on the thread who need them (we didn't as it happened). They are not actual real life laws!

We wanted to share our happiness on what is often a miserable place. We both had excellent OLD experiences too and a bit of positivity might just help someone here to see that there is a good side, you can meet nice people, and in our case you can meet someone really special online.

nokiaoldschool · 07/10/2018 12:24

I'm with Change here and didn't post during that whole rule change 'suc' club (boak) episode as it was cringeworthy.
The thread had been going a long time as a place of support and whilst its great that you 2 didn't need the rules, others may be more vulnerable and have stopped posting as it no longer seemed a safe space with men and women offering advice, but a leery hook up joint.
Bant, et al in days gone by would not have offered to peruse profiles with ulterior motives as that was never the intention of the thread.
Anyway, you seem well suited so good luck, hope the thread goes back to being a supportive advice forum as intended now you are both busy elsewhere :)

HalfDutchGirl · 07/10/2018 12:33

changeoflife well I'm obviously extremely thick because even though I was posting a lot on the thread in question I never once put two and two together!

Personally I wish Kin and Bendy every happiness, after all, isn't that why we're all here?? To find that someone special?

When all is said and done how many people on here, hand on heart (come on guys be completely truthful) would turn down a relationship with someone you made a wonderful connection with on this thread? Would you let a 'rule' mean you'd say no to someone? I certainly wouldn't!! (and no, I did not meet Mr T on here!!).

nokiaoldschool This thread is a safe place for men and women to offer support and advice but OLD as a whole is tough world and you need to have a tough skin and I would not suggest anyone vulnerable dips their toe into it without knowing that.

MaggieMuggins · 07/10/2018 12:36

@Lordsuggsfailure Eh? I think two people getting together on here is a small miracle, not setting some sort of precedent for the future.

I don't know the history of the No Dating the Thread rule being removed but we are on thread 140 and it's the first time two people have fallen in love so maybe they can be forgiven for wanting to share it with others on here and give everyone a bit of hope Smile

Kin2 · 07/10/2018 12:37

And thanks for the good wishes from me too change.

We most certainly could have kept it to ourselves but, as Bendy said, it's a positive and happy counter to some of the negative posts we see on this thread.

I would like to think everyone on here is looking for a positive outcome in terms of whatever it is they are looking for, though I do sometimes have some doubts based on what I read.

To echo the above post, we both had positive OLD experiences, with none of the issues highlighted throughout these dating threads.

That our paths crossed on here was coincidence rather than a pre-planned outcome - neither of us had any intention whatsoever of dating the thread - but when we discovered how well we got on together, we weren't going to deny ourselves simply because of some words on a screen here.

I know many people will shake their heads at that, and they are perfectly entitled to their opinion, but both of us are very happy and I know that I have developed a connection here unlike any I have experienced before. I absolutely know that is worth pursuing and, if there is a point to this post, it is that maybe we should all be open to opportunities, wherever we may find them.

nokiaoldschool · 07/10/2018 12:42

People find out soon enough how tough and harsh it can be, but this isn't OLD it's a support thread. Here, people express their vulnerabilities which then throws a whole new angle onto it if people are perusing the thread looking for conquests as those vulnerabilities/ hobbies/ likes and dislikes can be used to engineer a 'wonderful connection' which is why the rule was there in the first place.
I'm allowed to have my opinion on this and it felt wrong and the 'announcement' was no surprise but a disappointment that this is how things have gone here.

ValMc1 · 07/10/2018 13:02

Nokia - how do you know anyone was offering to look at others profiles with ulterior motives? I looked at Dan's after his asking on here - did I have an ulterior motive? No just trying to help someone (who is younger than both my kids) find a special
person. You have to grab every opportunity to find happiness - leave your mind open - you never know when/how/if it's going to happen.

Lordsuggsfailure · 07/10/2018 13:31

neither of us had any intention whatsoever of dating the thread

Sorry-your posts suggest other wise it was fairly obvious you would date someone from the thread if the opportunity came about.

Bant · 07/10/2018 13:38

Haha.

Hate to say I told you so, but I really did...

wishywashy6 · 07/10/2018 13:52

@nokiaoldschool
I don't think for one minute that anyone here offered to peruse any profiles for the reasons you're suggesting. Yes this is an advice forum and via that friendships can be formed (I for one have made a fantastic bunch of friends via this platform with no ulterior motive!) and in Kin and Bendys case obviously it's progressed from there.

While of course you're allowed your opinion on things I hope the majority of posters on here can see it for what it actually is and not the version you seem to have created in your head

Kin and Bendy, I've always found your advice constructive and helpful as I'm sure have many others Smile

MaggieMuggins · 07/10/2018 13:59

@Bant What did you say would happen?

ValMc1 · 07/10/2018 14:08

Bant - you said a few threads ago that you have met up with MNs - unless I dreamed it I think you attended someone's wedding from here - are you honestly saying that had you hit it off with one of them, and they you, you would have still obeyed rule 10?

BendyLikeBeckham · 07/10/2018 14:11

Lord, give me strength!

Bant did you predict I would fall in love with someone on here? If so, I applaud your prescience. There is nothing bad in this, quite the opposite, so there is no 'I told you so' gloating.

And as for reviewing profiles, wtf has that got to do with the price of fish?

Good luck everyone, I hope you all manage to find what I have, wherever it appears from.

safetyfreak · 07/10/2018 14:12

We wanted to share our happiness on what is often a miserable place. We both had excellent OLD experiences too and a bit of positivity might just help someone here to see that there is a good side, you can meet nice people, and in our case you can meet someone really special online.

Well I am glad it worked out for you two BUT lots of people do have a hard time OD and they have a right to come on here and moan about it.

Do you guys want an medal?

Bant · 07/10/2018 14:15

Yes Val. I’ve met with several, and it was always as friends, with no possibility of dating. Even if we fancied each other. Which in at least one case we did. And said it was a shame about the rule but.. the rule was the rule.

It’s an ethics thing. Like you don’t date your therapist, or your GP, or your priest, or your solicitor or your student. Because saying it’s okay in one specific case means it’s open to abuse by people who will take advantage of other vulnerable posters on here.

It’s happened before. It’ll happen again.

And changing the rule without discussion beforehand, so one poster can date another poster, well it seemed underhanded and potentially predatory.

It just means it’s open season for other people to come in and start sending private messages to thread members who are actually vulnerable. As has happened before. Until the person being targeted brought up the rule and it stopped.

So..Well done.

(Slow hand clap)

HalfDutchGirl · 07/10/2018 14:19

Bloomin heck! What's with all the doom and gloom on here guys??

Two people have met and are happy and it just so happens they met on here and they are now being castigated for that.

Lots and lots and lots of people meet their partners on the minefield that is OLD but, the thing is, once they meet someone, they generally aren't going to come on here so much and so therefore we don't often hear the happy stories that OLD does work.

Look at vet and her success story in Canada, I met Mr T on OLD and I've many friends who have also met their partners on this platform.

Moaning is fine, OLD is, as I say a minefield, but actually knocking people who have success in meeting their partner is just downright mean in my books.

HalfDutchGirl · 07/10/2018 14:23

Bant Apologies but the last line in your post is just nasty

PookieDo · 07/10/2018 14:28

Hmm anyway I and going to detail the debate by posting @Eesha - wtf am I doing 😂

Intended to break up with Mr Anxious but for reasons unknown to myself I went to a function with him last night. Had a great time (sober). Had very very good sex - even though he’s struggling with losing his erection at times he never lets this stop the action and puts himself to other good uses. Had good chats. Feels romantic. He is honestly so lovely. He made me lunch this morning for work and put a note in my lunchbox.
I wonder if this is me trying to sabotage - I am internally so anxious and looking for faults. Externally - blasè. Externally he’s anxious. Together we are maybe a crap pair made in heaven 😂.

His anxiety was making me feel pressured. I told him that I wasn’t going to start off on the wrong foot of constant reassurance as wouldn’t help him and could get toxic. His anxiety is for him to deal with but I won’t go out of my way to make it worse for him by doing anything twatty. That if he has any trust issues that he is to talk to me first and my boundary is no going through my phone behind my back, no unfounded accusations etc. (He hasn’t done this, I was telling him what I will not accept in a man). I made it really clear I am an equal, what I expect from a partner but also that he has to understand I have a busy life with kids and a job, so he will need to fill his own life too. He seemed fine with all this 😂

Bant · 07/10/2018 14:30

There are lots of success stories of OLD, and meeting people in real life, Dutch - but you’re right that they’re not talked about on here so much.

However, there are also stories of people on this thread being targeted by other people on this thread, lovebombed, discarded and distraught.

Hence the rule.

So while I’d be happy for anyone on here to have fallen for someone and been happy, I truly would - in this case the whole thing seems a bit distasteful to me.

wishywashy6 · 07/10/2018 14:39

@Bant

Yes Val. I’ve met with several, and it was always as friends, with no possibility of dating. Even if we fancied each other. Which in at least one case we did. And said it was a shame about the rule but.. the rule was the rule.

It’s an ethics thing. Like you don’t date your therapist, or your GP, or your priest, or your solicitor or your student. Because saying it’s okay in one specific case means it’s open to abuse by people who will take advantage of other vulnerable posters on here.

you actually just said that and meant it didn't you? 😳😳😳

GP? Priest? It's a flippin Internet forum and I think 2 fully functional adult human beings are capable of deciding to ignore a rule made up by a stranger on the internet if that's what they want to do.

If this place is full of the predators you seem to think it is then I highly doubt they'd pay any attention to the rules anyway.
I don't think I gave the mandatory loo update on every date, shoot me now

ValMc1 · 07/10/2018 14:51

Wishy - better not mention me and you then Grin

wishywashy6 · 07/10/2018 14:57

@ValMc1 or the fact you're my priest 😳

Bant · 07/10/2018 14:58

You are, of course, completely right. And just because it’s happened several times before, it doesn’t mean it’ll happen again.

I’m sure it’s fine.

Eesha · 07/10/2018 15:35

@PookieDo i hadnt read the whole backstory to this but looking at what you have written, it does sound like he makes you happy but just has a few issues himself. As i always say, if meant to be, then will be!