Dating thread 140 - Why????

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

He broke your bed Love! The least he can do is get back in touch after work. I think I'd be pretty off with him if he got back in touch tomorrow and not today.

Can anyone give an tips on how to avoid getting over-invested???? Please!

I think you'd have every right to be annoyed at him Love. The least I'd expect is that he'd check if you were OK and not spending the night on the floor or sofa even if he felt embarrassed. You don't seem to have given any indication that you don't want to speak to him so there's no excuse really.

Love he sounds like a bit of a user. Had sex, broke the bed, promised to text and couldn't be bothered. It takes a few seconds. No one is that busy.

What are you getting out of this? Is it just sex? I'm sorry, but he sounds like an ahole.

@MollysGirl try and find more irons so you focus less on just the one. Simple but works!

Love, I agree with others, he seems to be using you. You seem to have other irons on the go, focus on others and yourself rather than this one.

Molly it's hard not to over-invest, but the two week to meet rule helps because before you meet the rule is not to invest AT ALL. Plus, try to be chatting to more than one at once.

If you meet and have a good date, I guess the same rules apply as for any dating: don't rush in etc.

What's your story, may I ask?

Oh Eesha thanks for replying, but it’s too late for that... we’ve gone exclusive & off sites. We’ve had a weekend away together.
He wants to take it slow but I’m in over my head.
It’s very scary.

Hi DogDay. Well we met on tinder, had one date before I went on holidays. He was texting me in the airport the morning I left, and the minute I got back, we were off again.
So we’ve been on lots of dates/sleepovers etc, get on like a House and he’s very much my kind of person.
However. He was married briefly and it sounds like his ex-wife had some kind of nervous breakdown. He supported her throughout that but the marriage didn’t survive. I think he has some kind of post-traumatic thing going on.
He goes to counseling and meditates.

So, he wants to go slow, and I’m rubbish at that. I’m afraid of sabotaging the whole thing.
So that’s my story

Mollysgirl you need to not make this just about you. He has explained why he wants to take it slow and you should respect that.

If this person is important to you and you want them to stay, then you have to listen to what they need.

If this is an ongoing issue for you, counselling may help to get to the root cause of your neediness.

@MollysGirl actually that sounds really promising! Try and chill but all sounds good

Thanks laddies, just conformed what I thought, didn’t know if I was expecting too much from him. I don’t want to sound like a sulky bitch tomorrow but it sounds like he deserves it. I do have other irons so I’m not overly upset if Mr K is being a ass hole. I just don’t want to sound needy by messaging and moaning at him so I just won’t bother doing anything other than maybe telling him I’m busy tomorrow.

I have another iron who I am unsure about, we have know each other via Facebook and dating apps for ages but 6 months ago he met someone, I hid him on Facebook as he kept posting photos of him and his gf (he obviously jumped feet first into a relationship), anyway it seems they split up a month ago and last week he started chatting to me via messenger, at the moment it’s just flirty messages but I might ask him out for a coffee next week.

I’m not even very sure what “taking it slow” means!

Molly I struggle with this too, for me it used to be down to trust, if I really liked someone I wanted to spend more time with them and move things along in case they found someone better than me. I now try and take things extra slow by just seeing someone once or twice a week for the first month or so, usually start with going for a coffee first date, then maybe out for a meal the following week and to the cinema the 3rd week (just examples), point being I only spend a few hours with them at a time to begin with. I think jumping in too fast is usually going to end in disaster. Take time to get to know someone and don't forget that this person is a stranger, even after 3-6 months you don't really know them that well? Set boundaries and try and stick to them. Of he wants to go slow you will scare him off by wanting to move too fast, he's being sensible.

He’s just sent a message, I haven’t opened it (WhatsApp) but it says ‘FOUND IT’, so I’m guessing he’s going to try and say he lost his phone?

I’m going to switch off my phone and go to bed. Who loses their phone for 8 hours ?

Molly I also need tips on not to over invest.

Dating Mr BTO.... He's not a texter, never has been text chatty. We had a putative plan for this weekend. Every other time we've seen each other he's arranged it altho we've always agreed the day we've often not firmed plans.... A couple of times quite last min (day before texting to confirm or suggest a location, sometimes quite late in the day leaving me wondering) but I'd not heard from him since Tues so I broke my own rules about making him chase and texted him today to ask if we had a plan. He almost immediately replied to say he'll come over to me but I'm thinking that he's maybe just breadcrumbing me. If I hadn't texted him I'd be sat here waiting for a text though so decided to woman up. Of course now I'm wondering how it would've panned out if I'd not chased him! I would have felt so much better if he'd asked me.... Am I being daft?

I've been on my date, he was much more attractive than his profile photos but did absolutely nothing for me unfortunately. He wanted to debrief by messaging later for some reason so I've sent an honest and complimentary message and hopefully we can be friends. I'm glad I stuck to the two week rule and didn't let it get too flirty.

Thanks everyone for replying, I appreciate it!
Maltrop - it’s a flippin minefield...
I get your point exactly. I’m sitting here wondering if he’s going to come to an event with me tomorrow night. I could just text and ask but I won’t. Anyway he’s at a pub quiz so unlikely to have his phone switched on.
Fed up and feel like I’ve killed it already 😞

Some very good tips there from LoveMusic
Hope it’s not too late

I’m so SHIT at relationships

It's interesting on the whole multi dating thing as I do agree it's a good idea. The problem I have is time and also when I really like someone, I have no interest in dating anyone else.

I think I’m going to take a break for a short while. Feeling pretty fed up, twice in a week I have been messed around (Mr Marathon who has vanished and Mr Kayak who is obviously bull shitting). I’m expecting him to message this morning asking to see me, he goes back home tomorrow, I will not be available, I am going out to spend some time on my own. I’m trying to decide wether to ignore him or if I should send a shitty message?

I’m not sure if I will go on my date with Mr Mountain in Sunday, just feeling deflated and fed up with it all, I don’t trust anyone anymore, no one seems to be truthful and they don’t seem to have any considersarion for anyone’s feelings other than their own. I have hidden POF and deleted Tinder. Will take a week out for half term and maybe continue it.

I think with FWB you can be left open to be messed around though. They are in if for one thing only, not emotionally invested so their needs will always trump anyone else's.

Life I think you are right to raise the bar for yourself. Why be used as just a leg over when he fancied it?. You are worth far more than that.

I had a FWB situation, but there was mutual respect. Without it i'd have told him to sling his hook. Just because you are not in a committed, exclusive relationship doesn't give him free will to treat you poorly.

People only treat us the way we allow them too. Take back some of the power here and get rid of this user

cool I'm with you.... Its having the time to date more than one. I have my kids 60% of the time and a busy life with sports and friends as well.... And I keep looking on tinder and Pof but no one appeals as much as Mr BTO at the mo. GAH. Anyway I am feeling certain he's going to run the "I don't want a relationship" line this weekend anyway (likely true in his case as he's never had a long term relationship) We shall see.

Love there's no harm in taking a break from the whole thing, I'm finding it really helps (so long as the itch that needs scratching doesn't get too strong, IYSWIM). You do sound a bit jaded and sad, with good cause. Keep your FB iron on a back burner, time out to lick your wounds.

Molly and Maltropp - sitting and waiting for their next move drives me crazy! It's because someone else is in control of my feelings, the vulnerability I've opened myself up to when looking for love. There are no magic solutions here, once investment has started, except to try to keep busy and step away from the phone as much as possible!

Completely agree HereIgoagainxx, regardless of status or exclusivity there's no reason to mess people about or treat people poorly.

Quiet period for myself at the moment so it's good to hear that some people are still getting likes