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Original poster

Dating thread 140 - Why????

999 replies

RunsforCake14 · 02/10/2018 09:30

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
DogDayMorning · 15/10/2018 14:13

Again, Love, that's really good advice, thanks.

One last thing - sorry for all the questions guys! - is it worth signing up to a more commitment-y OLD site like eHarmony (I'm 56 BTW)? I've just used Tinder so far (and Match at one point, but I encountered a guy who made me feel quite ill so I don't want to re-sign there!) and it's been really fun, but the result has just been FWBs...

DaffoDeffo · 15/10/2018 14:49

eharmony is useless

never met anyone who has found it good

so far all my dates have come from bumble or happn (think happn v dependent on whether you're in a place where you're likely to come across a lot of people!)

I also find the normal chat after FWB hard but you have to start somewhere. Meet them quickly, that's my tip, as you'll have a better idea as to whether you'll get on or not. Text is so so so deceiving, most of the time.

DaffoDeffo · 15/10/2018 14:50

I was on Match but cancelled my free thing - but one thing I will say is that I did think the men on there were generally after a relationship rather than just a shag....

Lovemusic33 · 15/10/2018 14:53

I think all the sites are pretty much the same, even tried elite singles and it was still full of people looking for hook ups. I think it’s just a case of trawling through in hope to find someone who is genuinely looking for a relationship. I think the chances of finding anyone is pretty slim. I don’t want anymore FWB, they are easy to find, what’s hard to find is someone who is genuine and wants to settle down Sad

NuttieNettie · 15/10/2018 16:54

daffo it is so hard to read people over texts etc. Haven't heard from Mrkilt since yesterday (unusually long time for him) so gonna wait and see what happens now. Re-read last few texts, and think he was really looking for a FWB which we both agreed at the beginning we didn't want so might be for the best.

Mr BMW has messaged again today, says he's looking forward to seeing me on Thurs. Some texts were a bit full on flirty/sexy, again despite us agreeing at the beginning we weren't in rush to dtd. Maybe men are just more sexual with texting than I'm expecting? It's been almost 20years since I last dated, and OLD didn't exist!!

Good luck to anyone meeting dates today 😀

DogDayMorning · 15/10/2018 17:13

Gah, this is so hard! Maybe men are more sexual when texting etc, but the problem is that when they are not, they are really boring - and when they are, the situation rapidly becomes FWB (in my case, anyway). I'm beginning to think I might have to get off my arse and meet some real men in real life! The horror...

Lovemusic33 · 15/10/2018 17:36

I think your right dog ,it's hard to know what to do for the best, sex talk or no sex talk. It does get boring texting about what you are having for dinner and how busy work has been 😂

DogDayMorning · 15/10/2018 18:07

Sigh. So I'm not the only one going round in circles.

As I can't be bothered to put the effort in perhaps the answer is just to not seek to make a commitment. I don't need financial or emotional support so part of me thinks this sudden desire for commitment is just a result of the days getting shorter!

flamingnoravera · 15/10/2018 18:33

Gah! My best friend says I'm being too clinical in sending a text to end the 8 week fling I'm trying to extricate myself from. Your advice here was what I wanted to hear- text- but friend says phone at the very least. I don't want to get drawn into a why conversation which will inevitably ensue and he will then pick at me as a defence- hence text.

I think I've answered my own question but another "text is fine" reassurance would be very reassuring. It's drafted- basically saying I've decided to end it, it's just not working for me, no regrets but goodbye. (Not quite as clinical as that but not beating around the bush) . Handhold please :)

DaffoDeffo · 15/10/2018 18:53

flaming so many people just let things drift. It really is up to you. I was going to send that text to MrCoast and MrNorth1 but then neither texted me for ages and I kind of think, if they can't be bothered, nor can I so I've let both drift (though I would happily send them a thanks but no thanks). If they asked, I would tell them but I suspect they have also moved on to other people.

DaffoDeffo · 15/10/2018 18:56

has it been an exclusive 8 weeks? I probably would do it face to face. But if it's been 8 weeks of you both seeing other people but seeing each other a lot, a text is fine I guess.

flamingnoravera · 15/10/2018 19:04

daffodeffo thanks. He's in daily contact and has no inkling, it's going to come as a shock.

DaffoDeffo · 15/10/2018 19:05

oh that's a bit hard then. Maybe you should call :(

flamingnoravera · 15/10/2018 19:08

Exclusive, but I started with nothing serious and he returned with I don't want to be a FWB and he got serious and got carried away by having (some really good) sex for the first time in years.
I won't meet, it's either phone or text but we always meet at mine so to suggest a meeting somewhere would plant the seed and that's almost worse I think.

DaffoDeffo · 15/10/2018 19:20

if you can call, I would. But I'd totally understand if you only felt up to sending the text. I think if it was the other way round, you'd want a call but I understand how hard that can be x

flamingnoravera · 15/10/2018 21:48

I've wimped out for now, he texted asking what he'd done wrong (I've been v quiet today on wapp) I said I was struggling with everything, he says do you want time to think? I said yes. So I've got breathing space and so has he. It can only be good.

NorthernFlowerHouse · 16/10/2018 00:17

Flaming ok, you've kicked it down the road for now. Either this will fade out and he wont text back or you'll need to end things later on. I think it'll be less stressful just to send the text. At least it won't be out of the blue now for him and will draw a line under this.

If it was a short but exclusive and good relationship, a text could be harsh but it sounds to me you've been clear all along that you weren't interested in anything serious and he's not really listened.

Lovemusic33 · 16/10/2018 07:52

Dog I feel the same, a part of me wants someone to wake up next too, someone to spend Christmas with and someone to treat me nicely, the other part is scared of commitment and doesn’t want to have a extra person to worry about. I keep thinking I have done FWB for far too long, I feel a bit of a slut sometimes, it would be nice to just have one regular partner and actually fall in love. I’m not sure I can now though, my last long term relationship was abusive (emotionally and sexually), I’m petrified of going down that road again, falling head over heals for someone who treats me badly, I feel like I need to protect myself from it happening again but a part of me is desperate to feel in love again.

Mr Marathon has hardly messaged me since DTD Sunday which kind of proves that he wasn’t as into me as he made out Sad

My Kayak should be visiting me this week, I’m not sure what to say to him, I like him but it can’t ever go anywhere due to distance and him having young children.

I have a few other irons but none that are really doing it for me.

Seeing Mr Mountain on Sunday, he’s cooking me lunch probably in return for a shag (been here twice before), he has talked about a relationship before but he lives an hour away and has no plans on moving back this way (he used to live near by).

Eesha · 16/10/2018 08:13

Tinder question: I was swiping and got a match and it said chat now or keep swiping. I kept swiping thinking I could go back to it later but that match isn't appearing anywhere. Have I been unmatched already by the other person 🤔

BeyondAdultHumanFemale · 16/10/2018 08:18

Morning all. Just checking in.

Flaming, I think a text would be fine. Just say what you've said here, you like him but as you said early on you don't want a relationship right now and you feel that is what your meetings are becoming. That he is lovely cough, sex and you got carried away, but your feelings re a relationship haven't changed.

Two new irons are still... iron-ish here. One more positive than the other, and by some sheer coincidence she is also ill so my disability isn't awkward Grin I also heard from D yesterday after archieving all our chat, just asking how I am. Not particularly chatty.

Lovemusic33 · 16/10/2018 10:08

Eesha I would guess that he unmatched you, he should show on the people you have matched of not.

Eesha · 16/10/2018 10:50

@Lovemusic33 thanks! easy come easy go!Smile

DogDayMorning · 16/10/2018 10:59

Love I could have written most of your last message myself (well except about your various misters lol). Yes to the being treated nicely, big fat no to having someone else to worry about - so, on balance, commitment is just not what it's cracked up to be.

And of course if you've had an abusive/complete failure of a serious relationship you doubt your judgement re developing a new one. Which makes OLD even less of an appropriate way to meet people in my book...

...so I've deleted all OLD accounts, put most FWBs on back burner , and joined a walking group. Living the dream here!!

KlutzyDraconequus · 16/10/2018 11:01

Quick question for you experts.
Is this lying and enough to tell them to piss right off?

You're chatting to a person on WhatsApp, they send you a selfie claiming they just took it, only it's on their POF profile, which you point out and they say they sent the wrong one and send another one. I. The second one they're wearing the same clothes as another profile pic. To say nothing.

Few days later they send you another "just taken" selfie. This one isn't on their profile but is on their FB and was posted a month ago. You say nothing.

Lies and pointing to them happily bending truth or ignore it?
Thanks.

DogDayMorning · 16/10/2018 11:33

Lies. Bin.