Dating thread 140 - Why????

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

I need help, I've been seeing a bloke since late August- we met on POF and have a lot in common including some mutual aquantances. I was clear I wanted dating nothing serious but he's clear he wants more. I veer from loving the sex and our life at my house but hate going out in public with him because he has awful manners, he lets doors swing in my face, strides off at his pace, is loud and eats with his mouth open in restaurants and is really angry with his ex wife over the divorce settlement (not yet divorced) but he wrecked the marriage by having sex with a woman oh holiday and admits to having used "massage parlours". I'm ready to end it but I want to do it over the phone, if I were to suggest meeting up somewhere public but not a pub he would smell a rat and frankly all I want to say is "it's just not working for me" would that be really bad form? We always meet at mine (he's at his mothers till the divorce money comes through) and I don't want him coming over thinking everything is ok just for me to send him home again after half an hour post dumping.
I know texting is not ok but would the phone be preferable to the obvious "let's meet at a cafe there's something I need to say"?

flamingnoravera Hi. You have been going out for less than 2 months, and he doesn't sound like a catch at all. You are doing the right thing. In my view, a text would be adequate, in relation to the amount of time you've been going out. 2 years would be different, but 2 months is fine. It's not like you are going to ghost him, and I'm sure you'll be sensitive about it. Good luck.

flamingo I would do it by text if you are worried about his reaction. He sounds like someone I date back in the spring, I was with him 2 month and was too embarrassed to introduce him to my friends or parents as he was a bit scruffy and had poor manners. Eventually I got fed up with his behaviour and I kicked him out one weekend when he was meant to be staying at mine, I then told him it wasn’t working via text. He wasn’t happy so I blocked him. I think if you find it embarrassing being seem with someone in public it’s a definite no.

flamingnoravera I agree, don't put yourself in a difficult situation to save his feelings, I doubt he'd do the same for you, a text is fine and then block him.

Think I've just blown it with someone I've been chatting with for a couple of weeks. (MrKilt). He started texting me various questions we'd already covered the answers to in quite a lot of detail. When I jokingly asked if he has a bad memory, he got shirty, saying he can't be expected to remember all we talk about😡 ( which isn't what I meant- just remembering how many kids I have etc!). Told him I was feeling a bit pissed with him. Not expecting to hear back, which is a shame as he was funny and had a witty dry sense of humour. Sorry for long post.

Finding OLD a bit of a minefield! 😒

@subspace @Lovemusic33 Yes it went really well thank you We had dated a couple of times a while ago and stayed in touch as friends and this was supposed to a quick drink and catch up. I got in his car and he leaned over for a quick peck and that was that - my fuck yeah moment! Went back to his that night, came home today! We've agreed to be exclusive and I'm happy Early days I know, but right now it's good.

@IdontknowwhyIcallhimGerald that sounds really lovely, good luck!

Gerald that's great!

Flaming it's less than 2 months in, just text him. Call if you really want to but he doesn't sound like the nicest bloke and you don't want it to turn difficult.

Thanks everyone. I've drafted the text. I've just got to hit send now.

Nuttie it annoys me when I have to tell people things several times, I think if a man is interested he will remember what we have said, he was probably chatting to several people and got muddled up.

I’m having a day away from OLD, feeling very confused about everything and feeling overwhelmed by having 4 irons begging me to meet up with them this week, it’s all too much for me. I’m going to step back a bit and see if Mr Marathon chases and also see what Mr Kayak does (though I think this is a no go), Mr Beard wants to meet this week but is only after one thing and Mr Mountain (a old iron) wants me to go to his next Sunday. I don’t think I can handle 4 dates in one week. I often go to Mr Mountains house to get away from everything as he has a nice cottage by the sea and cooks a good roast 🤣

I can’t stop thinking about Mr Marathon, he was so gentle and loving yesterday but I’m scared it’s just an act and not real, I think some men have a nack off making you feel extra special to just get what they want? I think I find it hard to trust anyone after having so many bad expereances. The fact he’s so secretive about his life doesn’t help.

Love that's exactly what I was thinking too! Glad it's not being paranoid.

Think having time away from OLD is a good idea, for all of us sometimes. Have a good day, enjoy some "me" time and you'll hopefully feel things are clearer and less hectic.

nuttie I think just be careful though as we always say on this thread, it's easy to take things the wrong way on text. Maybe he is still talking to lots of people at once. I know I have to keep re reading things to make sure I've remembered :).

I have 2 new irons on bumble - one very good looking but younger than me (this is a curse I find, as they often want kids but let's see). Other one a widower. Not sure where either will go.

Mr Friday night still talking to me. I like him. Not my physical type at all but crikey the date with him was so easy. Seeing him Thursday.

Mr Happn has just swapped to whatsapp talking. Again I think he'll be too young for me but he's gorgeous and we like v similar things and i love his passion about life! He said he wants to meet for a drink but hasn't set anything up.....

I have come down with some sort of virus - not sure what it is, but I'm super tired and achy and don't look my best! So hoping the dates don't all materialise this week -would be sod's law!

love I told you about my bloke last year - he was on best behaviour for about a month of dating. Then told me it was a deliberate ploy as all his horrendous habits came out. It has made me super aware of anyone who might be behaving that way. I know we all do best behaviour to start with but fgs, hiding stuff you know will put people off is not fair!

Please can someone advise me?

I have four FWBs from OLD, they're all lovely in their own way but no potential for LTR and none is particularly regular. I've been single for three years after a 30 year relationship and I think I'm ready for a proper commitment. So: should I ditch all the FWBs to focus properly, or is that too much of a risk?

@daffo and @love, I'm super wary of men on their best behaviour! its happened to me a few times.
I'm still chatting to my first date last week, lets call him MrGeek and we have a second date on Sunday. We get on really well, there is no flirting at all so not sure if we have the fancying thing between us yet or not?! But the second date will confirm.

Saw my FWB yesterday so itch scratched :-). Chatting to a few more on Bumble, lets see. Also talking to one on Tinder who constantly talks about wanting a family - I'm not having any more kids!

@lovemusic33 agree with other ops on the best behaviour thing. I recently went on a date with someone who seemed great on paper, great dad, easy divorce which was all amicable but then in the car later, I made this joke and this darkness came about him. As I'm recently out of an abusive relationship, I'm super sensitive to these signs. I guess I'm just saying keep your wits about you as much as you can

@eesha was that on a first date? I'm not sure I would ever get in a car with someone until I knew them pretty well...

@DogDayMorning yes first date but just sharing uber, I wouldn't either

Oh right @eesha, no problem then - apart from that weird shadow thing, that must have been horrible to see after your previous experiences

Two dates in two days. Met my Saturday date again on Sunday for coffee. We ran into some people he knew in the cafe and they were lovely and friendly :)

So far, so good. He's lovely.

I guess most men are on their best behaviour at first, I find most men mention their ex and usually blame them for the breaks up (they were crazy, cheated etc..). Mr Marathon never mentions anything about his past other than his children, he doesn't really talk about anything other than general chit chat. Anyway, since yesterday texts have slowed down so I'm not sure where it's going as he's never likely to tell me what he's feeling or thinking.

Dog I have quite a few FWB's too, I feel a bit of a slut sometimes but none are that regular. I would prefer to be in a relationship but until I am in one then I keep the FWB sweet 😁

dogday I wouldn't drop your FWB. You can still keep them going while you look for something else unless you feel they are distracting you from doing so. I just find you end up seeing them less as your diary goes to focus on real dates rather than just shags. But no need to drop them until you're ready to move on from dating to a relationship unless you're lucky enough to meet someone instantly - it's very unlikely that that will happen and you'll have weeks with no dates and weeks with lots and you can fill the time with FWB in the interim.

Thanks Daffo and Love, I think that is good advice.

Since I hooked up with the FWB though - all through OLD - I've been finding it difficult to chat appropriately with new matches. Going through the 'oh, wow, yes I like XXX band too' stuff such hard work after the flirty, 'fancy a shag' type chat with FWBs. Once you enjoy being a bit of a 'slut', is it possible to enjoy being 'respectable' too? Or is there a middle ground?

I have a date on Wednesday (a day date)
With a chap I met in a pub a few weeks ago when I was visiting friends.
Which ended in a drunken ahem, situation.
I hate ons but it happened and we were both very ok in the morning-had a chat, no awkwardness etc said goodbye with no exchange of numbers. All fine
Then he found me on fb, got in touch and now a date.
Except we live a long way away from each other and a date involves an overnight stay (he has booked a hotel - for himself-I've been clear)
And now I'm panicking that he is an axe murderer.

Dog I find it har too, I get bored easily with texting unless it gets flirty but then it just leads to another FWB, try and meet up pretty quickly to reduce the amount of texting and to see if there’s a spark.

Hard