Dating thread 140 - Why????

[RunsforCake14]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@shitwithsugaron

Thanks Eesha. I know it's totally ridiculous because nobody expects* this to happen when they enter into a relationship with someone but I didn't see it coming at all.

Feeling not at all the very strong and capable woman that I know I am. My divorce didn't affect me this much, that was a slow burner of 12 months spiralling down and I had that time to come to terms with it.
*
I can completely relate to how you're feeling. My 14 year relationship with my ex husband was a gradual drift and I'd mentally left the relationship way before it actually happened. The guy I was with for 18 months after was full of amazing highs (but really bad lows!) and when it finally ended it was abrupt and I felt completely lost.
As meaningless as it feels to hear it right now, you WILL get through it and come out stronger. Do whatever you need to do, if that means crying in Aldi then cry in Aldi
Sending hugs 🤗

Heard from D this morning, positive message apologising for awol-ness. I should really be more understanding (and less paranoid), D is a single parent and I know how tough it is to do everything on your own.

And it's not like we actually didn't talk for that long, like I said - paranoia...

Shitwithsugaron, it's bloody awful, isn't it? I read somewhere, after going through something similar to you, that the break up of the first relationship after a divorce is often extremely painful. The article suggested that most people undergoing divorce are obliged to brace themselves for all the changes, the lengthy, legal side of things and (in my case) the horror of the break up; in short, courage protects us from feeling the full impact of the trauma of divorce. Then, many throw themselves into the first post divorce relationship with a lot of unresolved emotions and when things end the pain hits hard.

I hope that makes sense; I'm a bit knackered and not very good at expressing the simplest of thoughts.

The important thing is that you WILL get through this.

User I am similar to you, tend to jump in and then get hurt but have now got to the point where I get petrified if I start getting feelings for someone incase it all goes wrong.

Dragon intreaged by your gangster rapper date, well done for sticking to boundaries.

shit I think if someone can’t take the time to message you back then they are just not worth it, it’s hard as we want people to like us and chase us but sometimes it doesn’t happen and there is usually a reason behind it (they are not interested, they are dating someone else..).

My Kayak has been super flakey for a few days now, messages have been slow and hard work, today he messaged me saying he will be down here working next week if I would like to meet up, I have told him I’m working, I just feel like I’m his bit on the side when he’s working here (he lives 200 miles away). I’m not going to make my self available and then wait around for him.

I’m struggling to find other irons, I need to go on some dates to show me that I don’t need Mr Kayak but I am struggling to find anyone that ticks my boxes.

shit sorry you're feeling awful. If it helps, I made a playlist called Love Bomb Ghoster last time that happened to me. I can now look back at it and laugh! I think it happens so often on OLD - it's a horrid side effect of it. Just know with time you WILL feel better and one day you will look back and it will be just a blip on your life!

I have culled MrCoast/MrNorth. I liked them both but not in the relationship way so didn't feel it was fair to keep going. MrCoast and I just stopped talking - I think we both felt the same way. MrNorth is still being persistent so I will chat to him this weekend.

Have joined happn and i'm much happier on there than Bumble though I've still got a few irons coming out of Bumble. Saw MrPosh for coffee this week - have left date 2 in his hands, we'll see what happens. He does have 4 kids (from 4-16) which would normally be a no from me but we'll see what happens. MrBald is going to try and do a drink with me on Friday.

yet another child free weekend and other than a potential date with MrBald on Friday, nothing set up argh! And having nails done Saturday!

and gah, isn't communication key? the amount of times I've had to point this out to irons. One got cross with me because he was ill and we were meant to meet up but he didn't say that when he cancelled. I knew he had had a v heavy Saturday night, I assumed he cancelled on Sunday because he was hungover. Turned out he was properly ill (and went to the docs) but as I said, I'm not a bleeding mind reader. If you don't SAY you're ill, how was I supposed to know?! He did concede that but fgs, it's not rocket science is it....!

Daffo I think some people expect us to be mind readers. Mr Kayak has a habit of not telling me much and then expecting me to know that he’s been busy or unwell , I can’t be bothered with the lack of communication, if somethings wrong just say.

isn't it tedious love!

I think I've also been spoilt by very communicative exes I realise now!

Things still plodding along with Mr BTO for me. He's been on a lads holiday for the last week, he sent pics and lots of texts over weekend then nowt from Sunday night to y'day eve. Was giving up all hope when he sent a huge wall of text about what he'd been up to since Sun and even signed off with two x's y'day eve. I sent a breif but chatty reply as was headed out but have had nothing further, he's back home today or tmrw -and we had made a putative plan for Friday.....but whether he'll text at all before Fri is a mystery. I like him very much but I do wish he was a teeny bit more communicative!

get right back at it shit. Now is the best time to start again!

the minute you start, you start feeling better I find :) x

and arrange stuff this weekend - I've just booked my nails to be done and I need to go shoe shopping. Stuff that you've been putting off that you can now fit in

@shitwithsugaron - That is shit. It's not pathetic to be upset - it's hard enough making your way through a divorce, then finding someone with whom you feel potential only to have it come to a non-reply - honestly I think ghosting is the worst of the dating behaviours besides being secretly married. It leaves you not having a single clue why. Patch yourself up, tea, wine, freinds. Fuck him.

@cake - that's fab news! I'm made up for you :)

Well, as for me - i'm several dates in with the nice Mr Runner. And he is the loveliest man, good in bed, decent human - but still something is wrong and it's me. I'm just not ready for a relationship (really thought I was, but no, recently it's become obvious) and he definitely is. We haven't spoken about feelings, or relationship or anything, so I don't know how to even bring it up but I need to halt this inexorable slide into something I can't manage. How do I do this? Phone call? In person?

Lovemusic33 thankyou!
I know last night's post was a bit of a boasty one ref the star but honestly, a few years ago I'd have jumped at the chance. Lots of people today telling me I'm stupid and why didn't I go for it but I'm really happy I didn't, it shows that the efforts I've made to change my life have been worth it!

Just popped in to say to shit
I know exactly, precisely and utterly what you’re going through and it’s a big hairy pile of bollox. I’m sorry.

It happened to me, exactly like that.

PLUS SIDE

I got over it !!!! (it took a while, we were a year in and had just come back from a fab holiday when he dumped me From A Height
Looking back, the flags were cheerily waving)

BUT I have met someone who really floats my boat, is much more suited to me personality-wise, is WAY WAY more fun, and is gradually introducing me to his world, his friends, his life. Never thought it would happen.

Don’t lose heart. Lick your wounds, self-care, treat yourself, be KIND to yourself as if you were looking after your best friend.

When you’re ready, back on the hoss & giddyup xxx

My "just friends and see what happens" bloke has gone quiet 🙄 FFS. I'm beginning to wonder if any of this is worth the hassle.

Dragon I’m not sure what I would have done, a part of me would be thinking “I’m sure a lot of others have been with him” and my insensible me would be saying “oh, I could post on the ‘have you slept with someone famous’ thread” .You made the right choice though, he probably flirts with all the ladies and has probably bedded many.

I think I’m going to spend tonight tweaking my POF profile and swiping on tinder, I need to secure at least one date for next week with someone half decent.

just curious what sites people find good? I've only had dates through Bumble, no interest in POF, Tinder, Hinge and Happn. Same profile!

@shitwithsugaron another one who identifies with what you're going through and @gettingstherehopefully your post is so helpful in making sense of why it hit so hard, thank you. I agree with pps who've said get back on the horse. Onwards and upwards, there is better out there for you.

Another one who completely gets how you are feeling shitwithsugaron . I was dating someone exclusively earlier in the year and after 5 months he ghosted me. Didn't hear from him again from one day to the next. It's horrible. You question everything you did/said etc. I just kept telling myself that I'd survived my marriage breaking down, I could survive this too!! You will too. And like someone said to me, I dodged a bullet there!

I'm just off out on date#2 with Mr Spain. Let's see how this goes....

I had my date today, and although he seemed a lovely guy I just didn’t feel any connection. I’ve now got to let him know after he’s just messaged say what a lovely day he’s had.

So I’m currently veering between “meh” and “ I have to do this or I will die alone” 🙄Had a date since I last posted and he seemed promising, but there’s a fine line between quirky and downright odd and sadly for me he fell the wrong side of it.
Plus comminication is really important to me and our styles were way out of sync so it was goodnight Vienna after a couple of weeks.

I’m using Vets story as my touchstone though so I’ll keep plodding on......

Sorry to hear the tales of ghosting and general fuckwittery; it’s a numbers game/better you know they’re an ill-mannered and immature twat now rather than later/ keep on keeping on and other such clichés (that are already making me want to punch myself in the face, so you don’t have to).

Good luck on your date Change 😀