After being celibate for a few years - this isn't going to work, is it?

[LanguidLobster]

I'm starting to feel quite cross about this, I've sort of fallen into a pre-relationship (autocorrect put prey relationship initially, yes thanks autocorrect) thing but it's making me annoyed.

I can't be bothered to do anything like shave or paint my toenails. I quite angrily put on lipbalm before I saw him last night.

He pays me compliments which I don't really like and twat aside, e.g. yesterday he said something about me looking a lot younger than I am which got my back up. I just don't need compliments.

This isn't going to work, is it? He seems really nice but if I'm getting fucked off about having to put on some lipstick and make an effort then I'm just not ready.

We haven't even got to the snog stage as yet and I might feel cross due to severe anaemia at present. He is actually a nice person and gave me some food last night, he was fretting a bit about my tiredness.

Try to give it a go? Or slink back into my cave?

“Just”@ Languid

Have you had counselling?

I went out with someone like this for a few months, there was just no spark on my side. You cannot force it.

You sound really hard work. You complain sooo much. Try and recognise when and how much you complain and try to stop being so moany and harbouring anger over non issues such as being asked to take your coat off indoors.

Boy will be fine? Can you imagine the outrage there would be if a man was treating a woman this way and said “girl will be fine”?

Languid I’m really sorry that happened to. If you haven’t already I’d highly suggest you look for some professional support. I’ve been raped at two stages in my life. Once at 14 and then many times by an ex between ages 26 and 29. I tried to deal with it alone for some time but couldn’t. I needed help and you may too

Languid, I am very, very sorry to hear that.

Does your friend know?

See, for me ‘celibate’ implies a chosen state. I would guess that your boundaries have crashed round your life as a result of what you went through. Of course you will find it hard to trust and harder to be intimate and tne sense of vulnerability that entails.

You have had a very hard time in this thread... but I think your self knowledge is sound: you are. It ready.

I genuinely did wonder what was behind your ‘celibacy’ in case it was influencing what is happening. But then I gave in to flippancy and go that I am sorry.

I’m very sorry for what happened to you. But you really need to get help for it. Because currently, on here at least, you seem a bit all over the place. And as much as you’ve gone through a traumatic experience you can’t treat others badly.
And I think you have treated him badly, impo

Actually I don't think I treated him badly as it was never supposed to be that way in the first place. We just spoke about a local issue, started writing each other letters, then spent too much time together and things got muddled. We haven't even kissed.

Very happily any, err, urges I had have fizzled out. So relieved. I stopped catnapping on his chest. I can't remember if I said upthread but there was a night when he called around late and said full package or nothing. No kissing, nothing, unless it's a full relationship.

Then this week he called me round on Tues for a meal (we live on the same street). I happily went around scruffily. Weds happened the same. On Thurs he called me round and I happened to be wearing a nice dress and made up as I'd been out to meet someone for a coffee. When I got to his I headed off straight for the kettle but to my horror he intervened and stood over me like a Sergeant Major demanding I eat right that second. I tried to say I will do but let me have tea first. It was like I was about to get a force feed tube stuck in me.

Then he said god I was hard work and without thinking I said someone else said that recently...oh yes it was the internet (someone on this thread!!)

He looked at me quite strangely and said "the internet says you're hard work?" He probably thought I was hearing voices but I wasn't about to say I use mumsnet.

I abandoned the kettle and went to sit down then he started with the you're so pretty stuff (which made me feel self conscious and unhappy about makeup again) and that he would never have had a counsellor this year if he'd met me first, and it made me feel miserable for the first time I'd met him so I picked up my keys and left.

So I guess it's all resolved now, I can hear his car when he pulls up and last night I thought oh good, home safe, he probably felt the same about my window lights (he sometimes throws pebbles at them).

But it's broken contact now which is good. I never thought he was in love with me actually, just liked the cuddles and company.

Languid

I rarely post on here, generally lurk. But you sound lovely: fragile, slightly broken (aren't we all) and really funny. I'd love to be your friend in RL.

Focus on fixing yourself for now. I think you like the guy more than you care to admit and he is definitely into you. It will happen if and when the time is right. But fix you first.

You sound great