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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After being celibate for a few years - this isn't going to work, is it?

134 replies

LanguidLobster · 27/09/2018 14:43

I'm starting to feel quite cross about this, I've sort of fallen into a pre-relationship (autocorrect put prey relationship initially, yes thanks autocorrect) thing but it's making me annoyed.

I can't be bothered to do anything like shave or paint my toenails. I quite angrily put on lipbalm before I saw him last night.

He pays me compliments which I don't really like and twat aside, e.g. yesterday he said something about me looking a lot younger than I am which got my back up. I just don't need compliments.

This isn't going to work, is it? He seems really nice but if I'm getting fucked off about having to put on some lipstick and make an effort then I'm just not ready.

We haven't even got to the snog stage as yet and I might feel cross due to severe anaemia at present. He is actually a nice person and gave me some food last night, he was fretting a bit about my tiredness.

Try to give it a go? Or slink back into my cave?

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 27/09/2018 16:34

You sound like a female character in Last of the Summer Wine!

I don't think you are ready for a relationship. You sound angry and as if you really don't like him much.

I've no idea what a pre-relationship is but it all sounds much too overthought. Play things by ear and go with the flow but not if you dont want to.

PavlovaFaith · 27/09/2018 16:37

Surely if you like this person then you like being around them and he likes being around you too... it doesn't sound like anyone is forcing anything upon you here? Just calm TF down Grin

SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2018 16:38

he feels like he needs to pay me compliments like I'm pretty which he doesn't need to or he thinks you ARE pretty and just wants to tell you what he's thinking. If he's not saying it to get you into bed then maybe he means it??

How old are you both OP?

SinkGirl · 27/09/2018 16:39

This makes me sad OP. I think you might not be ready for a relationship.

chemicalworld · 27/09/2018 16:39

He pays you compliments because he likes you. It sounds like he likes you but you feel that as part of this you have some kind of obligation to make yourself up etc.

What is it about the compliments that rile you?

dudsville · 27/09/2018 16:40

Op I think you sound funny, I was laughing reading your posts and I wonder if the way you communicate is easier to understand in person.

Sometimes anxiety comes across as anger. You feel something for him but didn't seem to be looking for a relationship. Maybe you'd shut down to being in a relationship and the wheels are rusty. You don't have to, or you can go slow, and you can change your mind. I think it's funny you manage to take naps on him (you're not a cat are you? ).

Thurlow · 27/09/2018 16:41

Maybe he wants to pay you compliments because he likes you?

I know we're all reading between the lines but if a guy sees you regularly for months, likes to spend time with you, happily let's you sleep on him on the sofa, and pays you compliments... Well, I'd say its pretty certain he likes you?

And if you don't feel butterflies and you get angry at the thought of feeling like you should get a bit dressed up when you see him, then it's fair to say you're either not interested in him or not ready for a relationship.

Either way it's time for some honesty for his sake.

Zucker · 27/09/2018 16:42

Fucks sake. Why all the protesting? You sound like a stubborn old aunt character from a period drama that the BBC do so well.

velourvoyageur · 27/09/2018 16:48

You are very self-aware but seem to be trying appear the opposite, possibly because you think that's the way you'll get a space to rehash this stuff with others? In any case, it feels like it would be redundant to engage with the issues you've raised since you seem to have a fixed view of those already. Why not simply get straight to the point re: what you want to say?

Haireverywhere · 27/09/2018 16:52

I think you're right OP. You're not ready for a relationship.

QuaterMiss · 27/09/2018 16:54

Ah - I think I see!

You are in a relationship - but feel that as long as you hold off the formal snogging (etc) you can pretend you aren’t ‘in a relationship’ and therefore don’t have to feel obliged to perform - whatever it is you think you’d have to ...

Garbled. Hope comprehensible.

SoyDora · 27/09/2018 16:54

I’m a bit confused by this Grin.
Take it back a step OP. Do you like him? Do you enjoy spending time with him? Do you want to carry on spending time with him? If so, forget all about grooming, it doesn’t matter. I presume he already knows you’re not the fake tan/false eyelashes type?
If the compliments make you feel uncomfortable, tell him. Go with the flow.

SoyDora · 27/09/2018 16:55

Ps your way of talking reminds me of my grandmother Grin. That’s not a bad thing by the way.

dilly123 · 27/09/2018 16:56

He sounds like a very patient decent guy he obviously if you don't want him let him go & let someone else have him who would appreciate him.

Original poster
LanguidLobster · 27/09/2018 17:01

@dilly123 honestly I'm not holding him - he's completely free. I don't think he's in love with me.

I found it quite funny I'm getting compared to a grandmother!

I just texted him as I need to do a favour for him so can't throw my makeup around in wild anger and delete his number, so hopefully this will put a stop to it

OP posts:
grannyscobwebs · 27/09/2018 17:03

MN-

Am I allowed to say that I think she needs some love? Is that a better way of putting it?

dilly123 · 27/09/2018 17:08

@LanguidLobster could it be that he's too nice & that bores you? Are you like me, hate feeling smothered & if a guy is too complimentary & attentive it puts me off, I like to do a bit of chasing. If I feel like I can walk all over a guy I think of him as weak & less manly then I can't fancy him? No woman wants a soppy lap dog hanging off her every word!

Dermymc · 27/09/2018 17:12

This is the strangest thing!

Just shag if you want, or don't if you don't want.

Why so much angst.

misscph1973 · 27/09/2018 17:17

You are over complicating it, OP. That's why you have spent 9 months not shagging him, and now you are frustrated and wonder why.

I think you are protecting yourself. Ask yourself and listen to the answer.

Djnoun · 27/09/2018 17:31

What happened in the nine months prior to this?

BackInTheRoom · 27/09/2018 17:32

I hear you OP. Either snog him or walk. Them's your choices!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2018 17:32

You like him so you've text him to tell him you don't want to see him again to prove to yourself you can't ever be happy?

Original poster
LanguidLobster · 27/09/2018 17:43

SleepingStandingUp no renovations just started on his house so I said he could use my facilities in the interim.

I can't throw a hormonal strop and delete his number as that would be rude.

Yes I know I need a shag, no we're not in love, yes it would be awkward afterwards.

I have anaemia so doubt I could go like the clappers anyway

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2018 17:44

Ah I get you, sorry I totally read it wrong.

Do you want to snog him?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2018 17:45

If you need a shag then go to Ann Summers and sort yourself out without the emotional fall out! You don't need a man to resolve sexual frustration.

But you do possibly need to decide what this is and what you want