Found out husband of 16 years has been having affair for 10 years

[FoolishWoman]

Sorry for replying to an old post. I am the wife of a man who has been having an affair with another woman for 10 years. I am so hurt, and disgusted by both of them. Why would any woman think it's ok to have an affair with a married man? Or vice versa? Do they ever think how the unaware spouse will feel? I am convinced that these people who do this are narcissists. They just seem to think about themselves and have no impulse control. My DH says he has never loved this woman, and he wants me to stay. For the last 4 years DH has not been very nice to me, short, sarcastic, and really finding fault with me. Our marriage has not been perfect (obviously), but we were supposed to be working on it. We even went to marriage counselling last year... now I now why that didn't work.. he had a full time counsellor on tap, except she was obviously an echo chamber. I feel such a fool for being so stupid, and yet, still cannot decide whether to leave or not. I am so heartbroken and sad.

I really cannot even think about what to do. I feel as if I am mourning.

Your husband is vile.
Your husband is a narcissist!
You are being treated like a complete mug.
YOU need to end this.
10 years of your life has been a lie and he's done this to you.
HE made wedding vows - not the OW.
The fact he 'says' he doesn't even love her, makes this even worse.
Find your self-respect.
Find your back-bone and kick his lying, cheating fucking arse to the curb.
Get him gone today.
Why are you even considering this?

A few things.

1. The OW has no responsibility to you. Yes she’s nasty to do that to anyone but your beef is with your husband. Don’t waste the anger on her that belongs to your husband.

1. I know it’s scary but you are worth more than that. No matter what he says now he’s simply not good enough for you and will ruin the joy in the rest of your life if you stay with him.

1. There is joy to be found without him.

1. He’s an utter bastard.

Not all OW know they are the OW. Some of these guys are truly amazing at lying. Think about it, they have their wifes fooled after all.
He has no respect for you to live this lie for so long. He his a coward who should have broken it off a long time ago, but for his own selfish reasons, he didn't.
Take control back and dump his ass. You will never, ever trust him again after this betrayal and he simply isn't worth it. The resent will grow every day. You will be lonely because you don't want him near you. You will be miserable knowing he betrayed you like this.
Take control. Tell him to fuck off. And you my dear will have a joyful life without this ass.

My husband cheated on me for 7 years and was vile to boot. In a strange way I felt relief upon knowing of the affair as it explained his detachment.

I am now remarried and my life is a dream. You cannot be married to someone CAPABLE of that level of deception. Come to terms with it in your head and then leave.

I read this on someones profile ages ago and it's always stuck with me.

Let's call cheating what it is; a complete betrayal of trust. Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out and they're working it out on your time and with your heart. Some cheaters might give you an excuse, some might not have one at all, some might even blame you. No one can tell you exactly what to do when faced with this very complicated and painful situation. But the bottom line is, is this what you had hoped for in a relationship?

I also can't stand folk that cheat; men come on here and get desecrated but when a woman is cheating, it's somehow ok because she has grounds for it, it's absolutely disgusting, there is never ever any excuse to cheat on anyone, even if they are vile; just bloody leave the relationship.

I'm afraid you would be wasting time trying to work anything out with him, it's in his DNA, the fact he doesn't even care for this OW speaks volumes, in other words, he thinks cheating is as simple as brushing his teeth, he has no conscience about it or any moral fibre; I am sorry you have been duped like this for so long but don't direct your anger at OW completely, most of you ranger should be firmly in his path; if I was you I'd move on to a new chapter without him in it, he will just hurt you again either with the same woman or any other woman that will take him on, he's a serial cheat.

I think it's very important that you examine your reaction to this.

• You are still with him
• You are considering staying with him and working on your marriage
• You are venting your anger at her, not him

How much of your indecision is due to financial reasons? That you believe you can't survive financially alone.
Or the sunken cost fallacy?
How much is due to setting the bar low on your expectations of a partner?

Take your time processing it, I'm sure it's a shock. But perhaps get counselling on your own.

If you stay with him, he will cheat again.

After all, if he really cared about you he'd not be having the affair in the first place.

He's had 10 years to think how hurt you'd be to find out, and he carried on. He doesn't care about your feelings.

10 years. That’s a relationship.
I would wonder why this woman stayed being second best to this man and ho clearly respects neither of you for so long.

I would also wonder why you would stay after someone cheated on you for more than Half of your life together.

He is pretty unbelievable. And I don’t think that either of you should be with him.

I imagine he’s told her he can’t leave for the kids or some such bollocks. And he doesn’t have to tell you anything, he just knows you’ll hang around
What an utter cunt

Fuck that. I’ve had some experiences with infidelity that have opened my eyes and I know for a fact that you’d be mad to stay with him. Kick him out right now. Why the hell wouldn’t you?

He is a cunt. Get rid
6 billion people on this planet don't let that one selfish bastard disrespect you anymore. She is vile as well and you can be angry at them both. Your anger and hurt is valid. You are not stupid or foolish at all.

10 years is a very long time for an 'affair' that's more of a relationship.

I hope you manage to see that he won't change.

Good luck

Know your worth...

You need to move on. He is not suddenly going to be faithful after a decade of cheating. OW may or may not have known, but forget her, it is your husband who has broken his vows and cheated.

10 years??? That’s more of a double life than an affair! Were you suspicious? Someone who can have a 10 year affair and carry on as normal in their marriage without arousing suspicion is not someone you could ever trust again. Sorry you are going through this.

OP - it wasn’t an ‘affair’ - it was a double life.
And the story of ‘not loving that woman’ - is solely for your benefit.
He must have told her he didn’t love you and was staying for the kids, or financial reasons.

There isn’t coming back from that...

That's just awful you poor thing

This isn’t the 19th century
No one has full time mistresses anymore

He has had a double life.
She's not married to you, he is.
You could offer to take her on as a co-wife, see if you can make it work.
Or get some legal and financial advice, and rid yourself of the cheating husband.

and yet, still cannot decide whether to leave or not.

How would you ever be able to trust him after he's led this double life for 10 years

His betrayal has made a mockery of your marriage.

I am so heartbroken and sad

You must be devastated. How cruel of him.

Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you have to love yourself more.

Can I ask how you found out about it?

Is she single or married?

Is he wanting to stay in the marriage?

I have been in the position of being the OW. Believe me when I tell you they lie to their mistresses as much as they lie to their wives. I found out my lover was married and was playing at happy families with his wife whilst at the same time planning our future together, going to look at flats, talking about how many kids we'd have. It is a double life. I honestly don't know how they can be arsed but they do it. When I found out he was married I confronted him and boy did he squirm. They don't like when they get found out. I kicked him into touch. You would do well to do the same.

My DH says he has never loved this woman

That's probably true...but doesn't make it better.

He had extra sex and ego boosting for TEN YEARS. Two women to fulfil his needs.

That's what he liked... absolute selfishness.

If I cheated for a decade and my DH still wanted to be with me...I'd honestly think he was too soft and lacked self worth.

That is awful. You must be in so much shock.

I agree with the pP that he must be a bit damaged, to have carried on in this affair, taking no action to leave, paralysed for ten years, it's bizarre! And to go to marriage counselling but not engage meaningfully, HIS life is pointless. You may to begin with feel that he walks away with somebody in his life leaving you devastated but he is the shell, the big vacuum. He must need the validation so badly.