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Original poster

Found out husband of 16 years has been having affair for 10 years

108 replies

FoolishWoman · 25/09/2018 16:27

Sorry for replying to an old post. I am the wife of a man who has been having an affair with another woman for 10 years. I am so hurt, and disgusted by both of them. Why would any woman think it's ok to have an affair with a married man? Or vice versa? Do they ever think how the unaware spouse will feel? I am convinced that these people who do this are narcissists. They just seem to think about themselves and have no impulse control. My DH says he has never loved this woman, and he wants me to stay. For the last 4 years DH has not been very nice to me, short, sarcastic, and really finding fault with me. Our marriage has not been perfect (obviously), but we were supposed to be working on it. We even went to marriage counselling last year... now I now why that didn't work.. he had a full time counsellor on tap, except she was obviously an echo chamber. I feel such a fool for being so stupid, and yet, still cannot decide whether to leave or not. I am so heartbroken and sad.

OP posts:
TuathaDeDanann · 25/09/2018 23:06

Sorry, I skim read what you wrote there sandy2k, but I still agree completely having slowed down and read it now.

Holdingonbarely · 25/09/2018 23:13

I don’t think anyone should feel sorry for someone who clearly has a sever personality disorder

Original poster
FoolishWoman · 26/09/2018 04:58

I walked into the house early from work and he was on speakerphone with her. I heard both sides of the conversation. I’m not sure who was more shocked. Him, or me. She’s divorced and has been living on her own for 12 years. He wants to stay in the marriage. He phoned her and told her straight away that he it is over. I am so dazed that I cannot think clearly.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/09/2018 05:18

What was the conversation like that you heard? Did you get a sense of whether it’s a relationship or a FB type situation etc?

What was his reason/excuse for having a 10 year relationship with her?

aManForAllReasons · 26/09/2018 06:01

He wants to stay in the marriage.

Sorry** OP, he hasn't been in the marriage for 10 years and now there isn't a marriage for him to stay in, it's over.

You're worth more than this. Thanks

cakecakecheese · 26/09/2018 06:27

Have you told any of your friends or family? You've had a massive shock and you understandably sound a bit blindsided by this.

I think you should consider councelling on your own, It's bad enough that you stayed with someone who was nasty to you for for 4 years and now but to not have declared this over immediately after hearing of a ten year affair makes me concerned about your self esteem.

Get real life support and get out.

sunsunsunsunsun · 26/09/2018 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stellabird · 26/09/2018 06:42

My ex had an affair for three years before I found out. I actually had my DS during that time - I had absolutely no idea. I stayed with him for several years after this, mainly because we had two very young children and I couldn't see how it would work if I left him.

I finally left him after I found out that he'd been seeing yet another woman.

I agree with SandyY2K in that these men just love the idea of having multiple women fulfilling their needs. I squirm when I think of how I tried to "make him happy" when I decided to stay with him.

My opinion is that you probably need to leave him , and get your self esteem back. Men like him don't just go back to being loving husbands again.....they just wait and see what else might come along once the dust has settled.

PussGirl · 26/09/2018 06:51

She must have known he was married - fancy waiting & playing along for ten years! I wonder what lies he told her as he sneaked around behind your back.

What a sleaze Sad

PussGirl · 26/09/2018 06:52

He's only finished it with her (if indeed he has & meant it) because you found out, otherwise it would be business as usual.

KingBobra · 26/09/2018 07:03

"My DH says he has never loved this woman"

To me that makes it seem even more calculated - so if it hadn't been her, then it would have been someone else. He wasn't fussy, just wanted something on the side regardless of "who" specifically. She's not important in this.

Annandale · 26/09/2018 07:04

sounds like he was bored with her and happy to dump his ten year relationship.

I would agree with counselling for you. What a horrific trauma.

madcatladyforever · 26/09/2018 07:06

He expects you to stay in this ghastly situation? is he mental? get the hell out of there and quick. You deserve 100 times better than this crap.

subspace · 26/09/2018 07:10

Did she know about you, OP?

Ten years. Ten freaking years. I bet all that time he either told her he was single, just didn't want marriage again, or strung her along that he'd leave you.

She might have been in a serious relationship with him and not known about you. In which case, being dumped abruptly over the phone is a terrible thing.

If she knew about you, of course you're right to be angry with her. Decent human beings have enough respect for other humans (even if they've never met you), to not fuck their husbands.

But don't downplay that your husband lied to you, broke your marriage vows and had an affair for 10 YEARS. You should be absolutely FURIOUS with him.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 26/09/2018 07:20

10 years is a long time. It is long enough to have developed some level of emotional attachment or it would have fizzled out long ago. He may not love her but he doesn’t love you either.

My ex’s affair was a little over 2 years and he managed to have a baby with her. We were still adding to our family at the time. It took me a long time to accept it and I wanted him back for so, so long. If there is any advice Imcan give you it’s be strong, get rid, don’t look back. The quicker you do it, the quicker you move into the next phase of your life which, even with the uncertainty of divorce, will always be happier than it is now. Take care of yourself now.

Sohardtochooseausername · 26/09/2018 07:24

I’m sorry. It takes a while to get your head straight after finding out about an affair. I’ve been working at it for 2 months and it’s horrible. But you will be happier without him. That’s what’s keeping me going. Flowers

CitrusFruit9 · 26/09/2018 07:27

My exH ha been having an affair for 3 years when I found out. It then turned out that it was just the latest of several. We had 3 DC together.

I know that feeling of being absolutely poleaxed. You are still walking and talking but you can't take any rational decisions for a while. To my shame I tried taking my exH back, tried to be more exciting and be what he wanted.

Eventually I saw the light though it took some months. I realised that I could only ever be me and that I could never trust or respect him again. I have never regretted ending it. You won't either. Neither of us OP has had the relationship we thought we had and both of us have been cruelly used.

You don't have to rush into any decisions now but do see a solicitor asap (don't tell him) and start protecting your position.

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 26/09/2018 07:33

I think your DH is not realising that the choice whether to stay in this marriage is now yours. For me personally I would have packed his bag and asked him to leave. It’s not a competition with this OW , your not winning anything by him saying it is over. He has betrayed you for over ten years and now he is found out.... that’s all that has changed.

Thebluedog · 26/09/2018 07:43

He didn’t even love her? It almost makes
It worse! He was happy to lie and deceive you, live a double life for 10
years, and he didn’t even love her?? What a complete twat!!

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2018 08:01

You won't be able to think clearly for a while.
He needs to leave for a week (minimum) to allow you time to process this and think about what YOU want.
Who gives a flying fuck what he wants?
He's been taking exactly what he wants for 10 years now.
YOU need to get some headspace and decide what YOU want.
Please confide in someone in real life.
Someone who won't judge you if decide to stay.
Counselling might help as well, although not yet.
You need the shock to wear off a bit first.
Don't be anyone's mug OP.
And he need consequences to his actions.
Carrying on as normal gives him the total green light to continue with OW or just choose another.

DianaT1969 · 26/09/2018 08:06

He wants to stay in the marriage.
That's ok then. Phew, what a relief that he values his marriage.

He phoned her and told her straight away that he it is over.
Ever the gent.

OP - as everyone says, you've had a shock and you need time to process this. But don't waste another second of your life on this worthless, disgrace of a man.

KnotsInMay · 26/09/2018 08:11

OP, how very distressing, and what a shock.

OK, people make crashing mistakes in marriages, and with work and real reflection and honesty they can be repaired.

But he lied and gaslighted you throughout months if counselling. He didn’t come clean then, with honesty and giving you the knowledge you needed.

He has been horrible to you, and only ended the affair because you found out. Not because he decided to focus on fixing his marriage.

10 years of using another woman he says he doesn’t care about?

His values are sadly lacking.

I wish you much strength.

Sohardtochooseausername · 26/09/2018 08:15

Mine also said he didn’t love the OW. They had a 2 year relationship and he clearly did love her because he was so awful to me. Lies lies lies. These cheaters lie about everything.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 26/09/2018 08:42

Please don't stay with this man. He's basically made a fool of you. If you agree to let him stay and not divorce him, he'll do it again, because he already knows he can get away with it. He'll either go back to her or he'll find someone new. My exh had an affair that I forgave and ultimately left me for someone else. He even admitted that it was easier the second time because he knew what not to do from mistakes the first time around. And why would you even want to stay with someone who's lied to you for the last 10 years? There's no respect there. Whether he loves or doesn't love her doesn't even matter, he decided to not only sleep with someone else, but have an ongoing relationship with her for 10 years. That takes a level of deceipt that is beyond normal and is totally unacceptable or forgiveable on every level.

Holdingonbarely · 26/09/2018 08:52

He told someone he’d been with that they could go to fuck after 10 years over the phone. I know you think that might be good for you, but this is how he’s treated another human being?
You do realise that he’s an awful person. I feel so sorry for you both at the moment. I can’t imagine anyone staying with a married man for 10 years if that man hadn’t promised leaving or that he loved her.

And what he’s done to you is totally sickening. He engineered that phone call for you to hear. Why would it be on speakerphone otherwise.
So he cruelly dumped her, and manipulated you into hearing it. Just so you let him stay.

I mean he’s clearly good at this. But I would like to think you’re cleverer than to believe him