Found out husband of 16 years has been having affair for 10 years

[FoolishWoman]

Sorry for replying to an old post. I am the wife of a man who has been having an affair with another woman for 10 years. I am so hurt, and disgusted by both of them. Why would any woman think it's ok to have an affair with a married man? Or vice versa? Do they ever think how the unaware spouse will feel? I am convinced that these people who do this are narcissists. They just seem to think about themselves and have no impulse control. My DH says he has never loved this woman, and he wants me to stay. For the last 4 years DH has not been very nice to me, short, sarcastic, and really finding fault with me. Our marriage has not been perfect (obviously), but we were supposed to be working on it. We even went to marriage counselling last year... now I now why that didn't work.. he had a full time counsellor on tap, except she was obviously an echo chamber. I feel such a fool for being so stupid, and yet, still cannot decide whether to leave or not. I am so heartbroken and sad.

It's not that easy for a woman to just kick her husband out. If there are children, if they have completely intertwined finances, if the woman isn't working, or a host of other issues, it's never that easy to just say "go". I would say that the OP needs to see a solicitor and look at her options, and make sure she's fully aware of their financial situation, before making any decisions.

@Ss770640

I don't normally say this...but your post is total nonsense.
I'm wondering if its a windup.

If you kick the WS out:

1. You are pushing them into the arms of affair partner

2. You solidify the end of your marriage and family life
As opposed to the one sided secret open marriage he had for the last 10 years.

3. The children's feelings also need to be considered. Sudden absent parent etc

I haven't seen children mentioned...but I'd like my DDs to know they should NEVER accept a husband like this and I'd lead by example.

4. The WS will play the victim

So what? A victim who was committing adultery for 10 years. Anyone who gets sucked in can get lost.

Acts of revenge are short lived and never provide relief from feelings of betrayal.

It's not revenge.

It's called not being a doormat and taking control.

It's called having self respect, self worth, valuing yourself...loving yourself and not being treated like this.

Take the higher ground. Offer respect and kindness.

But identify your red line and don't move from it.

If your DH having a 10 year affair doesn't ...cheating for more of the marriage than hes been faithful, doesn't signify a red line... nothing will

Offer respect and kindness, lol, like he has to her these last 16 years, Jesus, what a load of old bollocks, telling him to go would show him she has self respect for fecks sake, nothing else.

And yeah it is that easy to ask someone to leave after what he has done, in fact if he was a decent person he'd be offering to leave (he won't cos he likes his cake).

He has boldly and unashamedly lied to you for 10 years, and you clearly believed all those lies. If you stayed with him then how would you ever know in the future that he isn't still lying?

How would you ever be able to tell?

He must have been very very good at it to keep it up for 10 years!

Offer respect and kindness

.....presumably to the cheating partner? I've never heard anything as laughable as this. So if you're the victim in this then it's still up to you to be respectful and kind to the person who hurt you??

Maybe @Ss770640

@Ss770640 - absolutely.
And us wimmin must do all we can to appease our poor MAN and make him feel respected - bless him - poor love!!!

For the last 4 years DH has not been very nice to me, short, sarcastic, and really finding fault with me

Yes, this person who has been actively nasty for the last four years and cheating for ten absolutely deserves respect and kindness where's the sarcasm font option

He's a right prize right enough, silly me for not realising.

This man is a wicked man. To string his wife along for ten years, cheating with a woman he doesn’t love. The fact that he’s not in love with her makes it much worse. He’s leaving his wife to dip his wick somewhere else and doesn’t even love the woman. It shows that he’s a selfish narcissist, who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself.
I wouldn’t be able to look at him let alone live with him.
Btw- he’s probably still seeing her and will continue to see her when you take him back. I say when, because I truly believe that you will take this idiot back

TEN YEARS? I’d be on the local news “Strange coincidence local man has both his house and personal vehicle catch fire same day (yet somehow future ex-wife’s belongings unharmed”) Best of luck-you didn’t deserve this

I know I am going to get hammered by most people here. I am totally broken. I have no confidence, no courage and am full of shame because I love my husband. In spite of this. I have been and am suicidal over the way he has been for 10 years. Please help me to get the courage I need. It’s no need saying I should kick his ass out. I know that. But, how and where do I find the ‘me” inside that is strong enough to do that? I have been crying for days, and I cannot find the strength or confidence I need.

I think Op you have to find anger ie your inner bitch!
How dare he treat you like this FOR 10 years
How dare he expect you to just roll over and forgive him
How dare he decieve you into going to counselling

Just how dare he!!!!

He is the lowest of the low, and he says he didn't even love her???
That makes it even worse.
You know that you can never trust him ever and you really don't love him because you loved the man you thought he was
{flowers]

Thank you for coming on here to help me. I know I need to be angry. And I am for very brief periods, but then I think that I will be alone and how will I cope? I am 61 years old. Where do I even start?

Rather than looking at this in the big screen, look at little details and try to achieve those instead. If he is still sharing your bedroom, move him into the spare. Stop cooking and cleaning for him, make him do his own washing.

Try to break the habit of doing stuff for him and by doing that you will start to seperate emotionally and physically. Then the next steps, whatever you want them to be, will be that little bit easier.

Take care love

You could still be alone even if you stay, a leopard never changes his spots and he will revert to type.
There are plenty of women in your age group who are single (I have several friends like this) you can make a good life for yourself I think you will never relax if you stay with your H you will be eaten up with worrying about what he is up to.
If you are on your own you are only responsible for yourself and your own happiness and you know yourself.
It is going to be hard but make a list. a plan, get some legal advice and go from there, and look after yourself

You are alone Just not on your own terms That’s the problem.

Foolishwoman,

I’m past speaking of my experience but I just want you to know that other people do have first hand experience of this nightmare. So, my story is that I made my decision aged 55 after being with my husband since I was 16 - 6 years later me, my adult children and grandchildren are happy and doing well.

Sorry OP, you’ve asked how do you find your strength and confidence? If I’d waited to find mine before making a move I’d have never made my move because these men are like magnets - they suck all the strength and confidence out of you. So, I did what I had to do whilst thinking I would probably die and I found my strength and confidence along the way. It just sneaked up on me and I didn’t realize what it was at first but once I did it felt wonderful.

Have you seen a lawyer? Perhaps once you know your rights you will feel stronger. Keep posting, people on here have kept me from bending to my stbx’s mindgames.

You're grieving and hopefully you'll find your anger soon. Book an appointment with a solicitor if nothing else. Don't alert your husband. He's obviously a selfish prick so don't give him the opportunity to hide assets etc. Get some facts under your belt.

If you don't value yourself neither will he.

Is living in your own so awful? I'd much rather be alone than what you have. A 10 year affair and you don't think deserve better than that.

So he gets away with cheating on you for 10 years.

Please seek urgent, RL support for your mental health.

Loving him is not a good reason to stay with him when he has treated you so appallingly. It will be far better for your mental health in the medium and long run to LTB.

Your husband doesn't respect you and why should he if you don't respect yourself .This isn't a one night stand or short emotional affair ,its seven long years of laughing at you behind your back .
It would be better if he did love her at least he was throwing away his marriage for love .

Please see your GP asap and tell them what you're going through and how you're feeling. It sounds like you need some help dealing with your feelings. If you are able to afford it, please see a therapist/counsellor asap too. You can see one on the NHS but there's probably a long waiting list and I dont think you can wait, you need to see someone straight away if possible. And if you're feeling suicidal please do ring the Samaritins or similar. There are a few numbers here: www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/

Hello
to you OP. When you look back on this in a few years time, you’ll hopefully get the connection between how bad you’ve been feeling for a number of years and him. It would not of been in his interests to have a overly happy content wife around him. I have first hand experience of how someone can lead a double life and think some of the comments on here along the lines of ‘pull yourself together’ are awful. You are in shock. It is also pretty good to let your emotions out so do that for a bit. I would tell a few people if you feel able as it lifts the haze around it. Also there’s lots of helplines out there too. X