Found out husband of 16 years has been having affair for 10 years

[FoolishWoman]

Sorry for replying to an old post. I am the wife of a man who has been having an affair with another woman for 10 years. I am so hurt, and disgusted by both of them. Why would any woman think it's ok to have an affair with a married man? Or vice versa? Do they ever think how the unaware spouse will feel? I am convinced that these people who do this are narcissists. They just seem to think about themselves and have no impulse control. My DH says he has never loved this woman, and he wants me to stay. For the last 4 years DH has not been very nice to me, short, sarcastic, and really finding fault with me. Our marriage has not been perfect (obviously), but we were supposed to be working on it. We even went to marriage counselling last year... now I now why that didn't work.. he had a full time counsellor on tap, except she was obviously an echo chamber. I feel such a fool for being so stupid, and yet, still cannot decide whether to leave or not. I am so heartbroken and sad.

I am really proud of myself this evening. I am really angry! You said it would happen, but I didn’t believe it would. I have been suicidal until today, but, I looked at his mobile phone records, and he actually made a call to OW after he made the call in front of me. Wow! Some said he would, and he did! And, quite a few people have said he’s is a narcissist. Whoever said that, you were right! In everything, he is only sorry he got found out! He doesn’t care abher, BUT, he also doesn’t care about ME! I added up the phone call minutes and the texts to OW for the past year, and, it is a third of his awake time! WTF! If he had spent this much time working on our marriage instead of trying to shag this OW, we would have had a perfect marriage. It really makes me sad that I have wasted 10 years of my life on this jerk! How can I be so sad and so angry at the same time. 9 years ago my brother committed suicide in another country and my nephew 9 months later. I obviously took my eye off the ball with my DH. I thought I had support during these times, but obviously, I didn’t. I feel so guilty and yet angry. Does any of this make any sense at all?

This is exactly what has been keeping me up at night the last 2 months! It’s good to get angry though - means you can use the energy. Be kind to yourself. This is a healthy response!

He is also stupid or thinks that you are. He should have learned to lock his phone by now. He can't even cheat correctly. That in itself makes him already pathetic. /snark

But seriously, kick his worthless ass to the curb. You deserve way better.

Foolishwoman what a truly awful thing your OH has done to you. I am glad you have found the inner rage. Channel that in the right direction and focus on recovering from his betrayal. I never say LTB but this is my first on MN.

Don’t blame yourself for taking the eye off the ball. Or for not seeing it. You’re a kind person, who has empathy. So I guess you find it hard to see that someone else isnt a good person.
He’s also seen that in you. And he knows how to manipulate you.
I will tell you this now you’re feelings will be up and down. But stay strong. You deserve to have a life of your own, whatever that may be.

Again. None of this is your fault. None of it. X

You have been through a lot losing your brother and nephew in such an awful way. You deserved more support than you got I'm sure. No reasonable person would think you should have been bending over backwards to provide the novelty of two women so that a husband not worthy of you doesn't grow bored.

OP, have you told anyone? You need to phone your feistiest friend or relative . Even if you haven’t been in contact for a while, (us feisty ones are always waiting for the phonecall that says “I really need some help”)
The reason I say feisty is that you need to speak to someone that can build you up and be your backbone for a while because yours has been crushed... that’s what friends are for!
I don’t mean feisty as in mouthy by the way but I mean more “say it how it is”

As much as this will kill you, men do usually struggle to give up their affair partners. Even if they give up physically, they usually hang on mentally. Women come on here often saying “my husband hates her now” etc etc. But in my opinion this is usually only true if she’s caused devestation by telling on him. Otherwise, it’s just words to pacify the wife and they will continue to mentally pine for OW, especially when things arnt perfect at home. They will always think “what if, I’d have gone with OW”
60 is still young imo,it’s like the old 45! Plenty of life in the old dog yet 🔥