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Original poster

Found out husband of 16 years has been having affair for 10 years

108 replies

FoolishWoman · 25/09/2018 16:27

Sorry for replying to an old post. I am the wife of a man who has been having an affair with another woman for 10 years. I am so hurt, and disgusted by both of them. Why would any woman think it's ok to have an affair with a married man? Or vice versa? Do they ever think how the unaware spouse will feel? I am convinced that these people who do this are narcissists. They just seem to think about themselves and have no impulse control. My DH says he has never loved this woman, and he wants me to stay. For the last 4 years DH has not been very nice to me, short, sarcastic, and really finding fault with me. Our marriage has not been perfect (obviously), but we were supposed to be working on it. We even went to marriage counselling last year... now I now why that didn't work.. he had a full time counsellor on tap, except she was obviously an echo chamber. I feel such a fool for being so stupid, and yet, still cannot decide whether to leave or not. I am so heartbroken and sad.

OP posts:
Bodear · 26/09/2018 09:20

@Holdingonbarely that’s a bit of a jump. If I’m in the house by myself I put my phone on speaker. It doesn’t mean anything at all; least of all that it was part of a manipulative plan to end up staying in his marriage Hmm. If he just wanted to stay he didn’t have to say anything to OP.
I agree he’s scum and OP, you can do so much better (including being on your own)

Holdingonbarely · 26/09/2018 09:22

Ok maybe it’s a jump. But I just have a feeling this dude would do something like this

Josuk · 26/09/2018 11:38

OP - when my AP’s wife found out about us - he also sent me the message that it was over.
He also sent me an earlier message saying that this message will be coming soon as she found out, but not to worry.
Now - six month later - he is in an open marriage. We never stopped seeing each other, while him and his W tried to figure out the way forward.

10years is a relationship. It gave him something he needed - over and above his relationship with you.

Just ‘staying in the marriage’ won’t work.

Read a book by E Perel - Re-thinking Infidelity.
She says - when affair is discovered - your old marriage is over. And a new one will begin.
Up to you two to define what it means - that marriage 2.0
It doesn’t need to be over - it just can’t go back to how it used to be.

Hideandgo · 26/09/2018 11:59

Josuk, I doubt 6 months in his poor wife is embracing this open marriage as it seems to suit you to believe. More likely she’s in shock and very hurt and confused.

Open marriages are of course fine, but never on the back of having tricked someone into thinking they were in a traditional marriage.

Josuk · 26/09/2018 12:14

Hideanego, - it’s not my choice.
His and hers.

Many open marriages do come about after years of marriage and realising that one/both parties want to experience more while not wanting to split up for various reasons.

But - not meaning to hijack the OP here.
My point is - infidelity - and this long one in a marriage - isn’t easy to come back from.
And one can’t just go back to how things were.

Haireverywhere · 26/09/2018 12:22

OP if the OW knew of your existence then she and him would have known that conversation you heard where he ended it was just for show. He'd have messaged he later saying "sorry baby but you know the score. Can't wait to see you Sunday" etc.

After 10 years surely he's come to care deeply for her, whether she started out as a bit of a thrill or emotional confidente. Let him go and focus on healing from this betrayal.

Trinity66 · 26/09/2018 12:34

If you hadn't walked in on that phone call it could end up being a 20 year affair......... leave he has zero respect for you, respect yourself

Haireverywhere · 26/09/2018 12:40

@Josuk

Although not for me, I totally agree open marriages can work if they come about with consent and no breach of trust and an agreement of boundaries beforehand.

You are not part of that set up. It is an affair that he's refusing to give up because it suits and his wife will have her own reasons for staying. If she was truly happy about this you wouldn't have had to secretly keep seeing each other before it became "open". I hope she ends this marriage soon.

Holdingonbarely · 26/09/2018 12:47

@Josuk
I must admit, it does sound like his wife’s choice was split up or put up. I guess an open marriage makes it sound ok.

Personally I would not be ok with it if I was you. Wife aside. It’s fucking disrespectful to you both.

Josuk · 26/09/2018 12:47

@Haireverywhere

As I said - not my choice.
She is a grown woman. Who also likes her house and a status of a wife she doesn’t want to give up.

Also - she isn’t new to this herself. Had affairs in her 1st marriage. During marriage1 she re-connected with an old flame - who is now her H2.
So - she is a grown woman making her own choices.

As to open marriages - the ones around me - and I have an example of several - all started once someone cheated.
Not in the more ‘honest’ upfront way. Most people don’t know or aren’t ready when young and getting married.
Just how it is

Vinylsamso · 26/09/2018 12:49

He won’t finish with the ow. Not while your showing no signs of not walking away anyway. Once the dust settles, he’ll phone her again.

Josuk · 26/09/2018 12:51

@Holdingonbarely

This assumes I want to be in a relationship with him. I may or may not want to.

Holdingonbarely · 26/09/2018 12:55

@Josuk
Not really. I don’t presume that. I just think there are clearly better people to have in life that are FWB. He sounds a bit grim.

QforCucumber · 26/09/2018 12:56

It would carry on another 10 years of you hadn't found out, probably still will.

Ss770640 · 26/09/2018 15:28
  1. The pain of betrayal is huge. And real. In time you will not overcome it instead learn to live with it. Time will heal.
  1. 10 years is not an affair, it's a double life. You can't change the past only your future. My advice is to leave, file for divorce and take some time out. Eventually you'll find someone much better and worthy of who you are.
  1. Look up the MLC SCRIPT. All cheaters will follow it.
  1. Your brain will be scrambled. Like having your head opened and a water hose put into it. You'll struggle to sleep, eat, make decisions etc. All normal part of grieving.
  1. Grieve the loss and fully explain you'll take him to the cleaners for what he has done. Either that or forgive and try to rebuild. But the trust is shattered so don't expect much hope on that.
  1. Don't expect any truth from him. He will blame shift and victim blame at every chance.
  1. Give yourself 6-24 months to recover. You will find someone a lot better.
  1. Enlist friends and family to develop an action plan and follow it.

Nothing worse than a cheat. Untrustworthy liar who deceives and manipulates.

Don't let the poison of hatred you have for him, ruin your own life. Let go. Move on.

PollyFlinderz · 26/09/2018 15:37

Op, this isn’t an affair in the traditional sense. It’s worse. It’s a double life. The kind you see in movies where someone dies and another person or family turns up and says - he was my partner. You can even read about it in magazines.

It takes a very special kind of cheat and liar to be able to pull this off and you need to head for the hills and not look back.

You’ve had a lucky escape.

I speak from experience.

SandyY2K · 26/09/2018 17:18

So it would still be going on If you hadn't found out then.

Did it straight up admit it was a 10 year affair? Cheaters tend to lie and minimise the duration. It's very unusual for them to be fully honest wheh caught.

You can get trickle truth for ages.

I hope that's not the case...as it could have been going on before you got married.

So I'm going to say what I do in these circumstances....

Your husband wants to stay with you right... so ask him....

"If I had been having an affair with another man for 10 years of our marriage, would you believe I loved you? Would you want to stay with me? If so why?... Would you ever trust me after lying for 10 years?"

In life you need to love yourself more than accepting such appalling behaviour.

Fontofnoknowledge · 26/09/2018 18:21

Irl i know it's easy for people to say 'I would kick him out' . Easy to write . So much harder to do.

What are your reasons for not doing this ? (Not) FoolishWoman

Would it help to write down your thought process and try and make some order to what must be a very confused upset and devastated mind. ?

Fontofnoknowledge · 26/09/2018 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ss770640 · 26/09/2018 19:35

A lot of my friends said they couldn't do what I did (offer forgiveness and heal). But in the end she didn't want to heal and left regardless.

Listen to your gut. It's confusing but at the end of the day, he/she made their choice.

Focus on yourself

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 27/09/2018 07:40

Wow! Did you never find out or have suspicions in those ten years?

I have recently found out my stbxh who I caught out in an affair last year has been carrying it on with the same OW this year while we have been trying to move forward- i feel like that is 2 years of my life that have been a lie, and very much think he could have ended up in a double life if I hadn't been so mistrusting of him. If he had never been caught and my suspicions raised it sounds like he would have managed a perfect double -she absolutely believed he was almost divorced and they were going to have kids and he was about to start a future with her. I absolutely believed (until I didn't) that he was completely no contact with her, and never the twain shall meet...

You must be reeling OP, I certainly am and if it had been going on for ten years I would be on the floor. Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 27/09/2018 08:13

Irl i know it's easy for people to say 'I would kick him out' . Easy to write . So much harder to do
Not really.
I did it - twice!!!!
If you have self respect, standards and boundaries and enforce them then it is 'easy' to follow through.
Cheating for me (not everyone) is a deal-breaker. It's that simple.

Adora10 · 27/09/2018 10:18

Never understand women that don't show these shit men any consequence, just makes you look like a complete walk over and gives them even more power and control to carry on treating you like crap.

What is the worst that would happen if you kicked him out OP, at the very least surely you would feel a sense of justice, a sense of taking some control back and also a sense of deep self respect; if he goes and doesn't come back then was he ever worth having anyway? You are clinging on to someone in the hope that if you forgive immediately this will somehow make them love you again; in actual fact the opposite will happen, he will have even less respect for you.

Ss770640 · 27/09/2018 10:37

If you kick the WS out:

  1. You are pushing them into the arms of affair partner
  1. You solidify the end of your marriage and family life
  1. The children's feelings also need to be considered. Sudden absent parent etc
  1. The WS will play the victim

Acts of revenge are short lived and never provide relief from feelings of betrayal.

Take the higher ground. Offer respect and kindness. But identify your red line and don't move from it.

subspace · 27/09/2018 11:21

Oh do behave @ss770640 she's not pushing him into the arms of anybody, he walked quite freely there 10 years ago and he's worn a path there now. The children's feelings needs to be considered yes. And hers! Who cares if he plays the victim, he cheated on her for ten years.