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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Added myself to dh and ow fb chat - part 2

505 replies

MissMarpleMyArse · 23/09/2018 20:37

My first thread received so much support that I've been advised to make another one due to the number of messages. I knew my dh was up to no good, added myself to their Facebook chat and blew it all up.....

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 26/09/2018 17:07

You did the right thing OP. Whatever he chooses to do, he should have all available information at hand.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to both your families.Flowers

ohfourfoxache · 26/09/2018 17:13

You’ve done the right thing.

But now I think you need to block your (for now) husband - when OW realises you’ve sent him another message and lets him know then you’re going to get a whole load of abuse.

Original poster
MissMarpleMyArse · 26/09/2018 17:19

Fifty shades - yeah I know. You're probably just brightening my doubts. All I'm trying to say is that I'm not trying to sort his stuff out and I'm not doing it to punish her. Although god knows she deserves it. I won't contact him again if I don't hear from him. I've given him the information now that's all I wanted to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissMarpleMyArse · 26/09/2018 17:20

*heightening my doubts

OP posts:
needakickupthearse · 26/09/2018 17:24

I think he needed to know, his wife's a slag and now it's up to him if he wants to continue as a mug , good on you

magoria · 26/09/2018 17:24

You are so brave.

Wait for the shit to hit the fan from your STBXH in 5... 4...

You know not to let him put the blame for this on you. If he wasn't there with her that night then there would be nothing for you to find and tell her H about.

mingebags · 26/09/2018 17:31

So sorry to read about everything that's been going on. You are coping admirably. I'd just like to suggest that you don't contact her husband again though. As someone who has been in his position, no matter how well-meaning the messages may be, I would still far rather not have to read them.

I do have so much respect for the way you've handled yourself through this. Most women would not be able to control themselves the way you have. I would also recommend not to dwell on how you've handled it though - you'll always, with hindsight, find things that you would have done differently, and you'd wish you said x, y and z and not a, b and c... toxic thoughts like that do nobody any good.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
MissMarpleMyArse · 26/09/2018 17:33

He's messaged me. He just said can he call me at 6 if I'm free. Shit, I'm starting to wish I hadn't done this now. Oh well, I haven't been shagging anyone and even if he has a go at me I've done what I believe to be the right thing.

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 26/09/2018 17:34

You did the right thing OP. Now he knows more and can make a true informed decision on what he wants to do going forward.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 26/09/2018 17:35

Who has? Your husband or her husband?

He needed to know. If he didn't then he would be planning his life on a lie. He needed to know so he can decide for himself what he is willing to forgive and what he wants to accept. Every adult should have the right to decide their life based on the truth. He needed to know.

richdeniro · 26/09/2018 17:37

He won't have a go at you, he'll be grateful you have managed to find out as it's probably been going around his head since he found out.

Original poster
MissMarpleMyArse · 26/09/2018 17:37

Her husband. He doesn't have my number but I guess he will call on messenger as that's where I've contacted him. I'm fucking shitting myself.

OP posts:
lovetherisingsun · 26/09/2018 17:38

MissMarple, I think you've absolutely done the right thing. He needs the information so he has a CHOICE. He deserves that choice, to choose for himself what to do.

lovetherisingsun · 26/09/2018 17:39

Look, it needs to be done. Try not to worry too much - no matter how he feels now, I can bet you your bottom dollar in years to come he'll look back and be so grateful he wasn't kept in the dark and lied to.

Pebblesandfriends · 26/09/2018 17:39

I don't think he'll be making an appointment to have a go. He probably just needs to fact check and possibly talk and you are the person who is most knowledgeable and the only other person in his position so will best understand Gin

Stimpy123 · 26/09/2018 17:39

I can't believe the OW hasn't cottoned onto this thread via a friend, because it's very outing. Her life is in tatters now, regardless of whether she is forgiven by her H. He will never really forgive her, what she said in the texts you stated is worse than the actual act of infidelity. She can't use the 'I needed a friend' or 'it just happened' card with texts like she sent. A marriage needs a certain amount of flirting and it will send shudders down the spine of the H every time she attempts to flirt with him. Begging is all she can do now and that will only reinforce the lack of respect she has already created for herself. Get on with your life and know that the OW is going to live a torturous existence.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 26/09/2018 17:40

He won't have a go, he wants to know what his wife has been up to with your husband.
You have SO got this Marple! It is your husband who should be shitting himself.

NightOwlHoney · 26/09/2018 17:40

Don't be scared. He's in the same boat as you and will probably understand how you're feeling now more than anyone. He might be really needing to talk to someone.

richdeniro · 26/09/2018 17:41

@MissMarpleMyArse He may even have new information himself that he's managed to find out from her phone, card statements, etc and wants to check with you on dates and that kind of thing.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 26/09/2018 17:42

He will be calling to confirm it with you; and maybe to even tell you anything he has uncovered on his side. He might throw in a "I wish I didn't know" or something but people almost always let out a little frustration with the person who told them. But they never mean it. So if he does, then breeze past it and carry on with whatever else he has said.

He's choosing to call. He's choosing to speak to you. So he won't be doing that just to tell you off. If he was only going to say "stop it" then he would say that in a message. So don't worry; it won't be a phone call that's bad for you.

Original poster
MissMarpleMyArse · 26/09/2018 17:45

Thanks everyone, it's what I need to hear. I like to think I'm a nice person and i hate that the things I have sent him will have put him in the hell im in. I have to keep thinking that I've done nothing wrong.
I did wonder if she would get wind of this thread but I guess if she is not on mumsnet then she would have had to told her friends she is shagging my h for them to think it's her.

OP posts:
Bambamrubblesmum · 26/09/2018 17:48

He absolutely won’t have a go. He just wants to know the truth, poor guy.

He will be feeling exactly as you do and so some mutual support might be a good thing right now.

Original poster
MissMarpleMyArse · 26/09/2018 17:49

I'm going to take the dog to the park. I can't have this conversation with the girls in the house

OP posts:
Stimpy123 · 26/09/2018 17:50

You haven't done anything wrong. As long as you're cleaning up the loose-ends then do what you need to. Do everything else if you can bothered with any consequences...like retaliation from her, your ex, his family, the time it takes away from your career and children. You can't be expected to be measured, but you have been. Build on your very admirable strength if you can.

Florries · 26/09/2018 17:50

Good luck, Marple you are both the victims here. It will be reassuring to know you're both greiving the same.

I don't think this will happen but just want to warn you. I went through something simelar about 5 years ago. The OW's partner messaged me with a proposition in order to get back at my DP and his DP. I declined but was a bit taken aback at his approach: get revenge via cheating on her.. with me. All very soap opera.

Highly doubt he will suggest any sort of revenge like this in your phone call but just wanted to let you know as I was taken aback so much.

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