Partner making decision for himself

[Petals23]

Hi all. I'm with my partner now two years, both around late 40s/50. I'd known him a number of years before we got together. Nether of us have been married or any children, live within walking distance of each other, owning our own homes.

A relative of his moved to a new estate one hour away. He has decided to follow suit, making a quick decision to sell up and buy here also, only telling me when he'd seen the house.

Do I have a right to feel upset?

He hasn't contributed money, does clean up after himself, buys some groceries. I've just told him I'm not feeling great today, which is the truth. He said that's fine he'll see me tomorrow.

Text back you will let him know how you are feeling before agreeing to see him.

Otherwise he is going to turn up tomorrow at some stage so he can go to work on Monday from yours.

I think you should try calling it all off for a couple of weeks. When he said he didn’t want you feeling taken for granted, it was just words. ‘I’m not welcome at preferred place- relatives , so I’ll come watch my show at yours!’ Even if he’d actually asked, because you know, NOT HIS HOUSE, it would still be keeping you as a back up option only. He needs a period of feeling the reality of his decisions. He lives an hour away now, he has an hour commute. Tough shit.

Take a break, you might find you don't miss him all that much!

From one of your early posts : I can just see us continuing on as we are now, no permanent long term arrangement.
And so can he - that's exactly what he wants.

Do you believe 'any man is better than no man'? If yes, carry on being a doormat for this character. If no, give him the push.

So he's in relatives for a few nights as it suits. Told me he'll be back later in the week probably. I'm going to tell him it doesn't suit. Something else he mentioned which has surprised me a bit... he's talking about taking in a lodger. I'm going to have a chat with him at the weekend and tell him I'm not happy with how things are working out.

There's no chance one of the kids is his is there?

The only person I know who moved randomly to follow a relative was someone following their child to stay close to them.

He's absolutely treating you like a doormat though so it's good to see you say you're not going to just let him come round whenever he wants.

He's moved..he's taking in a lodger..he's sorted his life out entirely, with you just on the edges of his life just as he likes it.

If you do continue dating him it would be wise not to see or treat him as your only option. Go out there and explore a bit. No need to put all your eggs in one basket regarding him, when he's certainly not doing the same for you. Whatever his strange sounding setup maybe.

No way do I believe that this new life and moving home is all down to a relative. He's sidelined you, so treat him accordingly.

He’s made decisions without your input.
You can do the same then. Dump him.
And go on the holiday of your choosing! Him redefining your holiday...nope nope nope. Plan on not taking him on holiday if it doesn’t suit him. (Brilliant on you using his words! ) It’s called take it or leave it.

And I think “take it or leave it” is a page out of his playbook. So leave it.

Does he have a key? If not can you stay with a friend or family yourself for a few days later in the week? Don’t tell him until he asks.
If yes though you need to change your locks. I know it hurts but I hope you can see he just doesn’t care for you.

At your ages he may have decided this is how he wants it to be - seeing each other but not living together . Is this something that you and he want ?

So I'm going to talk with him this weekend. But first Im working away next week. How do I word it and say I don't want him staying in my place when I'm not here? I dont want to deliberately make things difficult for him but don't want to be taken for granted.

You haven’t made things difficult for him. He has made them difficult by choosing to buy a house much further away. When you say you’re talking to him this weekend, are you ending the relationship? If so, it should be clear he’s not staying at your house again. If you’re not ending it, what do you want out of the conversation? And then you just state, it’s not ok to stay here when I’m not here. I might be tempted to add that your house is your home not a convenient hotel for proximity to work!

Assuming you're not breaking up with him how about:

"Whilst I'm away next I don't need you to pop in and check everything is ok I've sorted something else out instead to save you the trouble. I'll need your keys to give them"

Op stop being such a pushover this is such a bad read. Why are you so afraid of being without him?
If he had a key he will stay all week & you know it. As you’re ignoring all advice and prefer being used to being single why bother posting?
What the bet he keeps the key stays at yours while you’re away and you stay with him while he grinds you into the ground like a fly.
This is very sad reading

OP, he's not even a friend with benefits, he's an opportunistic, selfish pig who really doesn't deserve a moment's attention from you.
Please, please tell him what RandomMess suggests and start making plans for a new life without this millstone dragging you down.
You deserve so, so much better!

Say what RandomMess has said and get your keys. That way he only visits if and when you want him to.

I used to know someone like this. They had been single for years and we’re so used to doing their own thing that factoring someone else into the equation wouldn’t even enter their head. Either he changes that behaviour or you move on.

Your holiday plans sound fabulous. Go. Sounds like he would only hold you back anyway.

You sound lovely OP . Stand your ground.

I had an ex like this. In fact I've had two like this. It will gradually chip away at your self esteem and you will feel resentful which will have further negative impact on the relationship. I'm not sure how you salvage it. In my case I had to break it up but it was very hard as my feelings hadn't changed but I could see these were not fully reflected. I hope you find a way through.

You don’t sound at all confrontionsl op. Would it be easier to change the locks this week than to ask for your Keys.
Then you just say I don’t need anything doing in the house, I’ve arranged for someone to check on it. He is an extremely self centred person so it’s highly likely he would come to stay anyway. Because that suits him and he doesn’t really care what suits you.

Truthfully, you will be better off with a vibrator, a dog and a book club.

This is my favourite piece of MN advice ever! @TheABC

I can't believe you haven't dumped him yet! Definitely change your locks before you go away.
You need to get some self respect and grow a back bone. Get rid of this leech, he's taking the piss out of you, big time.
What exactly are YOU getting out of this so called 'relationship'.
It's 2018, stop letting this man walk all over you and treat you like a mug. Take controll back of YOUR life ffs.

He said he'll stay with me a few nights during the week as it's closer to his job in the city centre

Tell him you've changed the locks, it was fun while it lasted thanks and goodbye.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but at your time of life why do you need us to tell you how to word it?

Just tell him you've had enough and wish him all the best.

He's hardly Catch of the Year is he. He certainly doesn't bother about how you're feeling so stop investing, he's given you his message in his choice of housing.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but at your time of life why do you need us to tell you how to word it?

Yeah that does sound harsh. People can need advice at any age. I always thought I'd be wise by my age (60s) but no - I still don't know it all.

So the week I was working away I told him I wasn't happy with him staying in my place so he stayed with said relative. I also said I felt like I was a convenience and handy to have around now. He said he wasn't using me, didn't want to upset me and would talk about it when I got back. I was back last week and he continued to stay there during the week, I only saw him one night last weekend. This weekend he also only came up on Saturday night for an overnight, left early on Sunday to return and spend time with relative. I would have liked to have done something. He still hasn't brought it up to chat about our future. I don't know now whether he's taken the hump and purposely not staying or what. I know some of you will think it odd I'm still with him, but up until all this everything had been okay between us - although a couple of times I felt he was a little wrapped up in himself. I'm not sure if this move is because he's used to being independent or just a bit selfish?