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Original poster

Partner making decision for himself

133 replies

Petals23 · 23/09/2018 10:05

Hi all. I'm with my partner now two years, both around late 40s/50. I'd known him a number of years before we got together. Nether of us have been married or any children, live within walking distance of each other, owning our own homes.

A relative of his moved to a new estate one hour away. He has decided to follow suit, making a quick decision to sell up and buy here also, only telling me when he'd seen the house.

Do I have a right to feel upset?

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 23/09/2018 11:10

As you work such long hours there would be no benefit to you in having him stay during the week, you will be tired when you get home so tell him that is not happening. His reaction to that will be very interesting. At the moment he is telling you what you want to hear because he wants you to stfu and provide free weekday digs.

Honeyroar · 23/09/2018 11:18

This isn't really a relationship, he's not really your partner. It's still at the "seeing you" stage after two years. I think that's fine if you both want to just hook up and go out a couple of times a week, but it does sound like that's all it would ever be. If you wanted more of a future I'd be moving on.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/09/2018 11:19

So, put succinctly:

  1. He has moved to be close to relative
  2. He knows this will be inconvenient for work but assumes he will stay at yours
  3. He has made BOTH of those decisions without discussing them with you beforehand
  4. And you want to know if you have any right to be upset

Erm, yes. Absolutely! You should be really bloody angry with his presumption!

As someone has already said, he bloody well will NOT stay overnight at yours. He can feel ALL the inconvenience of his decision at his own leisure. You've met the term Cheeky Fucker here haven't you? Well, now you've got one in real life

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/09/2018 11:22

Been busy but got angrier and angrier thinking about this! NO to being used as lodgings in the week. Tell him you'll see him at weekends for quality dates, not after work as a landlady! he clearly doesn't see a future with you. Saying maybe you'll live there someday is merely paying lip service. Any chance of there being someone else he's interested in in the background? Distance would give him more scope for seeing someone else......just saying....

TatianaLarina · 23/09/2018 11:38

How ‘quality’ will the dates be when you know you’re with a man whose idea of a relationship is to make unilateral decisions without consulting their partner?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2018 11:43

Petals,

re your comment:-
"He said he'll stay with me a few nights during the week as it's closer to his job in the city centre".

I hope you immediately knocked that suggestion of his right on the head, he is taking real advantage of you by saying that. What a CF he truly is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2018 11:46

What was your response to that from him in any case?. Were you too shocked to say anything?. I do not think you know him as well as you thought. Do not settle for this non starter relationship, you can and should raise your relationship bar a lot higher here.

Nondescriptname · 23/09/2018 12:04

He said he'll stay with me a few nights during the week as it's closer to his job in the city centre.

Did he ask how you felt about that? Or did he present it as a kind gift to you?

(Btw, tell him that's not on - his decision, his consequences.)

As for He said if things work out between us in the future, who knows, I could end up living there also

He really does see himself as a prize, doesn't he.

Original poster
Petals23 · 23/09/2018 13:04

This family member is around his age... he's married with 4 children, but they hang out together a lot, will now be even more so, so no, it's not like he'll be a carer or anything. Thanks for all your replies, I was beginning to doubt if I'd any reason to feel upset. I don't know whether to just leave things until he moves and see how it all goes... it's like a cloud hanging over the relationship now for me.

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 23/09/2018 13:28

Don't leave it until he moves. Don't live under a cloud for fear of rocking the boat.

My impression is:
He thinks you'll do all the travel on the weekends you stay at his (because you're at yours in the week)
He thinks you'll be convenient free lodgings for work when he fancies.
He assumed this without even speaking to you.

This is kindly meant, but you're being a fool & a doormat if you don't pull him up on this ridiculous, unfair shit before it starts. I say this as a former doormat myself.

Who the hell does he think he is?! And what does he think of you to declare this as a done deal?! And why would you let him treat you like this and not say anything?

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/09/2018 13:38

Please value yourself more than this OP. Make it clear he is not going to be staying at yours weeknights when he moves. He doesn't value you as a partner, just sees you as a convenience.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 23/09/2018 14:09

If he has a key to yours can you get it from him on some pretence and then forget to give it back? You cannot have this man using you and your house as a convenience.

Original poster
Petals23 · 23/09/2018 19:22

Thanks everyone. I suppose I'm afraid of rocking the boat and would be a bit of a people pleaser... I think I'm going to speak up for myself more in future!

OP posts:
subspace · 23/09/2018 20:09

He said he'll stay with me a few nights during the week as it's closer to his job in the city centre

Like buggery tit he will.

Get some righteous indignation in your belly and don't let him walk all over you! Two years in is a time to be thinking about moving closer/in with each other, moving away is an indication of how little he thinks of your relationship.

subspace · 23/09/2018 20:10

Really?? You're afraid of rocking the boat, when he's sailed it to an entirely different port?!?!

Rock the god damn boat!! Make waves!!

MrsMozart · 23/09/2018 20:12

Get rocking lass! Get those sails set to where you want to be.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/09/2018 20:19

This family member is around his age... he's married with 4 children, but they hang out together a lot, will now be even more so, so no, it's not like he'll be a carer or anything.

I wonder what the family member and his DW think of this decision? I'd think it was odd, tbh, do they really want your OH on their doorstep? Unless he's a useful babysitter, perhaps?!

Villagelifer · 23/09/2018 20:20

You say he is entitled to make his own decisions and so are you. If he wants to move away he can sort out what he's going to do about work. He certainly would not be staying at my place after moving away knowing it would upset me. It's very selfish and shows total disregard for your feelings. Your house is convenient. If you have a future together he expects you to move to a place you don't like. I'd rather be on my own than be taken advantage of.

FilledSoda · 23/09/2018 20:26

In his head he's a single man , I'd make that a reality for him.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 23/09/2018 20:53

Jeeez op, you sound so bloody passive! Tell him he is free to do whatever he wants but he will NOT be using you and your house as a convenience for him. Fgs why are you scared to voice your opinion? It's glaringly obvious he isn't bothered by losing your relationship by moving away so why on earth are you putting up with being treated like this? He is simply a selfish user who, as a pp said, has not learnt how relationships work - at 50yrs old this is as good as he gets. Bit crap really isn't it?!

TatianaLarina · 23/09/2018 21:56

He knows you’re passive and afraid that’s why he’s done it. He knows he has the upper hand and he can do what he likes and you will just go along with it.

Original poster
Petals23 · 24/09/2018 10:23

I'm going to have a chat with him tonight, tell him I feel it's all about him lately, his plans, what suits him.

OP posts:
IceCreamSunday87 · 24/09/2018 11:33

Screw the chat. DUMP HIM! Jesus op, I'm sorry to say, but you are a massive push over/door mat.
The reason he's taking the absolute piss out of you like this is because he knows you will passively let him.
Good god, big fat no to staying at yours on weeknights would be made clear to him straight away.
Find your backbone woman!

Singlenotsingle · 24/09/2018 11:43

LTB. He's not worth all this heartache!

sliceofcheese · 24/09/2018 12:07

I think he's not factored you into his present life, never mind his future, OP. He doesn't see you as a team. I'd downgrade this relationship now - he's shown his true colours.

See I think he has factored her in. He comes and stays with her in the week so he doesn't feel the pain of the 1 hour commute. Then he persuades her to spend weekends at his (or stay at home on her own) so that he can be with whoever this relative is...

It's madness to be honest. Anyone who makes a decision to move an hour away from their partner without discussion, warning and without even listening to their reservations has some issues.

How often does he see this relative at the moment? If it's a parent or someone very close he sees everyday I guess maybe he can't cope with the thought of losing that? Like that's a crutch he can't cope without?

Whatever the reason he's still utterly unreasonable for the way he's dealt with it. I think it would be a dealbreaker for me tbh.