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Original poster

Partner making decision for himself

133 replies

Petals23 · 23/09/2018 10:05

Hi all. I'm with my partner now two years, both around late 40s/50. I'd known him a number of years before we got together. Nether of us have been married or any children, live within walking distance of each other, owning our own homes.

A relative of his moved to a new estate one hour away. He has decided to follow suit, making a quick decision to sell up and buy here also, only telling me when he'd seen the house.

Do I have a right to feel upset?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 24/09/2018 12:26

I feel like he'd rather be nearer him than me
Well his actions are showing you exactly this!
Have a chat with him but don't let him use your home as a base for work and then bugger off every weekend!
That is just not on.
You get the tired work guy and his mate gets the fun weekends.
Not the way I'd want my relationship to be going (not that I have, because men are a waste of space - LOL)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/09/2018 12:31

He said he'll stay with me a few nights during the week as it's closer to his job in the city centre.

Bollox to that, if he wants to be closer to work, why is he moving further away? That's making a massive assumption that you're happy being a convenient 'weekday' landlady. Cheeky fucker! ('Scuse French!)

cuddlymunchkin · 24/09/2018 12:36

He seems to see you as a fwb rather than anything more serious than that. If that works for you then that's great - is this the type of thing that you want?

Original poster
Petals23 · 27/09/2018 12:37

So I've said to him that he seems to be making all the plans - he told me what nights would suit to stay with me. I said to him it's all about him lately... this move is all he really talks about. I said I didn't want to be taken for granted... he said he understands this. I feel now there is a bit of an atmosphere between us and I felt slightly guilty after saying it, even though he sees my point. Nothing more will probably be said now. Somebody mentioned to me that maybe he's just used to doing things on his own and this is another example. I still feel like it's a grey cloud hanging over the relationship.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 27/09/2018 12:39

he told me what nights would suit to stay with me

Ha ha ha!! You need to nip this in the bud right away. Cheeky fucker.

TatianaLarina · 27/09/2018 13:32

Nothing more will probably be said now.

Unless you say something of course. Like - it doesn’t suit me to have you staying here, and I don’t want you to be staying on a regular basis. It pisses me off you made such a move on the assumption you could stay with me. You should have consulted me first.

PaleRider1 · 27/09/2018 14:01

So when he told you what nights best suit him to stay at yours for work, what did you say?

And remember, he's wanting to stay over at yours during the week for WORK, not to spend time with you, but because your place is more convenient for WORK

I hope you told him to jog on and you're not being a door mat.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2018 14:06

Petals

So did you not tell him that he cannot stay with you and use your place as a B and B during the week?. Is he still planning on staying at yours?

This man is highly manipulative and you are being played like a violin here. He is a master manipulator and being tied up in knots here is par for the course. He has put a grey cloud over your relationship here.

I have to look at you in all this; what are you getting out of this relationship now with this person?. Is he still to you worth it? Are you that afraid of being on your own?

What do you know of his relationship history?

TheABC · 27/09/2018 14:17

Truthfully, you will be better off with a vibrator, a dog and a book club. If you feel you can't say no easily, just pause visits and say you want some time to yourself for a bit. You will hopefully find it's the fear of being aline that got you, rather than the reality.

You deserve much better than this excuse of a partnership.

shinycat · 27/09/2018 14:26

Ewww what a tic-turd. Hmm

I second everything everyone has said @Petals23 ... He isn't massively serious about you, he is using you for his convenience, and he is making it all about him, and what is best for him.

I would be seriously thinking about ending it if I was you to be honest.

As someone said (on page 1,) is he offering you board and lodgings for the days he is going to be staying with you?

shinycat · 27/09/2018 14:32

Bless you @Petals23 you are a real old softie with a massive heart aren't you? You sound hurt and upset and a bit shocked and let down, but I have a feeling you will let this man carry on treating you like this.

I think you will pander to his needs for fear of losing him.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE prove me wrong. Sad

Tell him as he has made the decision to leave the area, and has moved further away, that you are not happy with it, you will NOT be used as free lodgings, and you will NOT be moving where he is now, EVER.

As someone said, he thinks of himself as a real prize doesn't he? (Saying you maaaaaay be able to live there too, if things work out with the two of you.)

Excuse my French, but what a CUNT he is. Hmm

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 27/09/2018 14:32

he told me what nights would suit to stay with me

“That doesn’t work for me” on repeat til he fucks off.

Thebluedog · 27/09/2018 14:48

How often does he stay with you at the moment? If the answer is none then it should stay none when he moves. It seems like he doesn’t consider, or think enough of you or or relationship to warrant a conversation about his future plans, and massively takes you for granted to think ‘oh I’ll use Petals house so I don’t have to commute’ cheeky bastard

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 27/09/2018 19:16

He is showing you were his priorities lie and they are not with you.

He is moving away because his relative/best friend is and he wants to stay close enough to keep spending lots of time with him (he doesn't feel like that about you). He has not even considered any impact it could have on your relationship or and not even deemed it worth mentioning until it was a done deal. The only consideration he has given your relationship is the fact is that you can provide him with a convenient bed a couple of nights during the working week to alleviate his commute.

After 2 years he sees you as a casual girlfriend and is making vague promises of what might happen in the future to placate you. Does he even know or care that you would not consider living in his new area?

Of course like you said you are both independent people and he can move anywhere he wants but it is the reason he is moving and the sheer lack of thought towards you and your relationship that indicates that he is a selfish self absorbed idiot.

You sound lovely OP and far to good for him.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 27/09/2018 19:20

*Where his priorities lie Blush excuse the other errors I was in the middle of making dinner!

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2018 19:27

I'm starting to see why this tosser has never been married. His relationships are great, so long as everything is on his terms. Sounds like a self-centered tit to me.

Doingreat · 27/09/2018 19:42

Could he be gay? Just wondering wrt him spending so much time with this relative and now moving closer to him?

Honeyroar · 27/09/2018 19:43

So he plans to see you on nights that are convenient to him, no making an effort. You're right it is all about him, he is planning everything to suit him and he isn't factoring you into his plans as anything other than an aside. You're also right that there is a dark cloud over the relationship - but it's not a new cloud, it's probably always been there, you've only just noticed it.

Don't feel guilty, it very much needed saying. If he sees your point, as he says, he will make more of an effort to make you feel special, part of his plans and go a bit more out of his way for you. If he doesn't, he's simply saying he knows you're feeling upset and taken for granted, he's heard you but he's not bothered. What happens now is important, if it's nothing, why would you bother..?

FinallyHere · 27/09/2018 20:15

He said if things work out between us in the future, who knows, I could end up living there also,

Actually, this would be a deal breaker for me, him assuming that i would follow him if we decided to get together. Strike that, its the whole lack of discussion that would not work for me. Talking, discussing, that's what i enjoy, it's what makes me feel close.

Be glad he has shown you who he is , enjoy your life, someone much nicer may be just round the corner.

FinallyHere · 27/09/2018 20:17

he told me what nights would suit to stay with me

Ha ha ha!! You need to nip this in the bud right away. Cheeky fucker.

This ^

Nondescriptname · 27/09/2018 20:30

I said I didn't want to be taken for granted... he said he understands this. And continued doing exactly what suits him.

HE should feel guilty for HIS selfish decision.
HE should feel there is a grey cloud over the relationship because HE has messed up.

Please don't keep letting him trample all over you.

Nondescriptname · 27/09/2018 20:30

You don't have a partner, you have someone who uses you.

adreamofspring · 27/09/2018 20:46

I think you should seriously consider cooling things off with this guy.

If he wants to be nearer to the city centre during the week for his commute - that’s fine but make it clear it won’t be at your house.

He needs to know that he can’t be so selfish and use people like this. You might actually find that no longer having a convenient weekday place to crash might sway his decision to move away.

I’m not advocating playing games - just give him a reality check.

JennyHolzersGhost · 27/09/2018 20:55

Are you running a hotel ?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2018 21:56

It is almost laughable that he thinks it's perfectly fine to move away from you without even asking for your input or taking your needs into consideration, and then proclaim he will stay at yours whenever the mood strikes. And when it's good for HIM, of course.

Find a new partner.