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Original poster

Partner making decision for himself

133 replies

Petals23 · 23/09/2018 10:05

Hi all. I'm with my partner now two years, both around late 40s/50. I'd known him a number of years before we got together. Nether of us have been married or any children, live within walking distance of each other, owning our own homes.

A relative of his moved to a new estate one hour away. He has decided to follow suit, making a quick decision to sell up and buy here also, only telling me when he'd seen the house.

Do I have a right to feel upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
Petals23 · 05/10/2018 09:11

Hi all. Thanks for all the advice. If I wasn't clear, he has been staying with me the last 3 weeks since he moved out of his own house. It was one day he listed the nights it would suit him to stay - meaning it would suit his hours with work. I've made it clear these wouldn't always suit me and earlier this week I made myself not available! We also didn't go on hols this year because of his move and finances. I've now decided I'm going to go on a trip I've always wanted at Easter... I didn't leave him out, suggested it to him, but he wants to go somewhere cheaper. All my friends have reacted the same as everyone else in this forum about the whole move. My family haven't said too much but were surprised. I just don't know what to do... feel a bit down about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 05/10/2018 10:34

I bet you do. He's done something that has clearly shown you you're less important to him than you thought/would hope at this stage of a relationship. I think it's good that you're making yourself unavailable and going on the holiday. Do it more and more, ease yourself away.

Aprilislonggone · 05/10/2018 10:41

Maybe suggest the going air B&B rate to him for the nights he finds convenient to stay with you.
Or ltb.

inlectorecumbit · 05/10/2018 22:45

Honeyroar has it right.
You are not his priority. You are going to become his landlady. He is totally taking you for granted.
You deserve better. Deep down you do know what to do but l don't think you are quite ready to do it.
Start doing things for yourself when you want, do not play to his tune being available for his overnight stays ( saving money on fuel no less). If you are not free he has to go back to his own home- he does not get to use your home like a hotel.
He presumes you will go to his house at weekends- nope not happening when you have other plans. Rely on him for nothing, as you obviously don't mean that much to him.
He really is a twat.
Flowers

Mxyzptlk · 05/10/2018 23:02

^^ Absolutely right.

Original poster
Petals23 · 06/10/2018 09:37

So he was with me for 3 nights, went to relatives last night but I didn't know this until I got home from work. I thought he might be there also tonight but just informs me he's coming to mine tonight as relative has plans and he wants to watch a match on TV. I'm actually not feeling great, have some work to do at home, and was actually looking forward to relaxing myself and watching DVD later... now I'll have to suffer through this match. I think I'm feeling like a convenience at this stage.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 06/10/2018 09:41

I think id end this. It says loads about where he places you in his life abd i think you should not feel bad about tellinh him its not convenient for him to stay

Aussiebean · 06/10/2018 09:43

You are allowed to say ‘no that doesn’t work for me. You will need to watch the match at home’

Aprilislonggone · 06/10/2018 09:45

'Sorry but having a quiet night tonight, see you another night.'
Do it ffs!!
You aren't a hotel!!

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 06/10/2018 09:46

Sack him off! What a fucking twat.

TroysMammy · 06/10/2018 09:48

But you are a convenience. You have plans but you are going to allow him to do what he wants to do in your home and he has no consideration for you.

The sentence you need to use is "this isn't working for me so I think we should go our separate ways". Then take the key off him, lock your door and enjoy your life doing what you want to do, when you want to do it. It worked out perfectly for me.

Honeyroar · 06/10/2018 09:54

Tell him exactly what you've told us, you're not feeling well and are going to have a quiet night on your own. You're too nice (and he knows it!!). You need to stand up for yourself and not let him walk all over you. He's doing it again - using you as a second choice/convenience. Make him learn that you are not. And he most certainly chop and change everything at the last minute to suit himself. Any other girlfriend would be reading hom the riot act or dumping him, you're just sighing to yourself and doing whatever he asks.

Honeyroar · 06/10/2018 09:55

And by the way, is he paying any housekeeping towards all these nights at yours? Doing any housework?

Angrybird345 · 06/10/2018 10:03

Get rid of him!!

SimplyPut · 06/10/2018 10:05

Oh don't let him... you need a life too! I'm afraid he is just using you xxx

MadisonMontgomery · 06/10/2018 10:10

I’d let it all go through, then the day before he plans to come and stay at yours for work dump him. Let him enjoy his lovely long commute to work (hope it’s bloody miles)

sophiec123 · 06/10/2018 10:21

Sounds like he's only coming to stay with you when it's convenient for him! Also, he's dictating when he comes over and what he's doing when he gets to yours?? I wouldn't be having that, he wanted to move and live independently so I'd let him! He sounds like a user if I'm honest and you sound like a door mat

Windgate · 06/10/2018 10:27

Stop being such a doormat.

Mxyzptlk · 06/10/2018 10:27

You didn't think of saying "NO"?

Why are you lying down to let this bullying man trample all over you? If you are determined to do that, just carry on with it and don't bother telling us about it.

Mxyzptlk · 06/10/2018 10:29

went to relatives last night but I didn't know this until I got home from work. I thought he might be there also tonight but just informs me he's coming to mine tonight

Seriously! He's not even pretending to have any consideration for you.
Dump him.

magoria · 06/10/2018 10:30

Just send him a text saying sorry feeling under the weather let's leave it tonight.

Why are you allowing him to treat you like this?

Aprilislonggone · 06/10/2018 10:36

Relative or ow?

ektomarie · 06/10/2018 10:41

What a depressing and frustrating read. I don’t understand why you’re posting for advice on a public forum and then come back and tell us what a doormat you’ve been. People have tried encouraging you, empowering you, giving you a kick on the backside - nothing. Sounds like your friends are telling you the same in real life too.

Are you that afraid of being alone?

RandomMess · 06/10/2018 10:42

Yep you are his lodgings, company for stuff when he wants it and presumably sex all for free and as and when it suits him.

He doesn't even ask if he can stay over he tells you!!!

ForkHandlesplease · 06/10/2018 10:42

definately you are the backup route. I'd tell him Sorry your plans fell through. I have plans for tonight.

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