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Original poster

Advice for the OW

314 replies

babycow38 · 21/09/2018 02:32

I can only tell you about me and my husband and two beautiful daughter
We had a lovely llife, we did everything together. Does that make you stop and feel awful? You didn't give a crap about my children but I want to tell you about them
They love their life with Mum and Dad, they come home from school and feel happy, they do school work chat to mum and. Dad, they feel happy, secure, wanted. You come in their life? Other woman?? you hate the fact dad is in their life, you are jealous, dad distances himself to appease you , you have awfully messed up girls

OP posts:
zsazsajuju · 23/09/2018 09:23

@rebel - totally agree. Why do so many men become such bad fathers. Simply making no effort to even see their kids. Yet society judges the single mothers! We should be stigmatising and judging bad fathers!

flapjackfairy · 23/09/2018 09:25

And when I said crapping on people from a great big height I wasn't just talking affairs but all behaviour. We are all responsible for treating people with respect and kindness surely ? You could use the argument that no one was responsible for anything they did to others because no specific vows were broken otherwise.
We all know what is right and wrong and shagging someone's husband comes in the second catagory.

WeeMcBeastie · 23/09/2018 09:26

Exactly Rebel! I never thought my ex would become a shit father but he did. He only lives round the corner though but still rarely sees his daughters. Fortunately my DDs are older and are genuinely not bothered. He also joined a religious cult and puts that before the girls. Apparently he can’t afford to give them £50 a month to help while they are at uni but he gives a portion of god wages to the cult each month! Hmm He got into the cult through the OW but again I don’t blame her, he is solely responsible for his own actions just as he was when he cheated on me numerous times.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 23/09/2018 09:26

Two people involved in the affair

But only one involved in the marriage.

Like I keep saying: if a married man propositions 50 women and they all say no, is that marriage ok? Is he faultless since there was no OW?

WeeMcBeastie · 23/09/2018 09:27

His not god BlushGrin

AynRandTheObjectivist · 23/09/2018 09:27

Because we are responsible for the fall out from our own actions.

But if I've got no commitments, what am I responsible for?

WeeMcBeastie · 23/09/2018 09:28

ut only one involved in the marriage.

Like I keep saying: if a married man propositions 50 women and they all say no, is that marriage ok? Is he faultless since there was no OW?

This!

BrownPaperTeddy · 23/09/2018 09:29

@flapjackfairy

I completely agree flapjack.

We are all responsible for own behaviour, for upholding certain expectations that society has for us even without taking vows.

We all know what is right and wrong and shagging someone's husband comes in the second catagory.

Robin2323 · 23/09/2018 09:52

I was taught the difference between right and wrong.
If someone hursts you , you acknowledge it and move on.
The husband gets blamed and so does the ow.
No ones arguing that.
The husband gets more blame.
But from what I've seen these women could put the effort in and wait to find a single man ,
Why do they take the few bread crumbs the married man offers.
They hang on hoping he'll leave his wife knowing that the poor woman will be devastated.
I knew an ow hung on for 18 months.
Even went on holiday.
Waste of her time. ( her choice )

Robin2323 · 23/09/2018 09:56

To answer your question
WeeMc
Though many already have.
*
'* only one involved in the marriage.
*
Like I keep saying: if a married man propositions 50 women and they all say no, is that marriage ok? Is he faultless since there was no OW?*
Of course it isn't

AynRandTheObjectivist · 23/09/2018 09:57

Like I keep saying: if a married man propositions 50 women and they all say no, is that marriage ok? Is he faultless since there was no OW?
Of course it isn't

Well, then...

Robin2323 · 23/09/2018 09:58

*ut only one involved in the marriage.

Like I keep saying: if a married man propositions 50 women and they all say no, is that marriage ok? Is he faultless since there was no OW?*

No of course not !

Robin2323 · 23/09/2018 09:59

Well then what ?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 23/09/2018 10:04

Well then, why all the insistence on being able to blame an OW, even partly, when it doesn't actually matter whether she even exists or not? When the man is 100% culpable by his intentions and pursuits, even when he can't find a willing partner?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 23/09/2018 10:05

There is inevitably a huge amount of morally loaded language in this debate, understandably, unavoidably, but a pretty huge moral point for me is not holding other people responsible for my own commitments. I got too drunk at a party the other night, I'm not going to blame the waiters who were pouring the wine.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/09/2018 10:10

You still done get it, Robin.

... and if the OW is getting 'crumbs', so is the wife, believe me. From my experience, the OW doesn't perceive it as 'crumbs'. Is she wrong in what she's doing? Absolutely, it's horrendous behaviour. Is she responsible for the pain caused to the marriage? No - she has nothing to do with the marriage, the man involved has the responsibility to his family. All of it.

What you said here, "The husbands gets more blame. But..."

Is why we are where we are. Husband pretty much gets a mention in despatches whilst the OW, the shameful OW, gets it with both barrels.

It the married man (or married woman) didn't make themselves available (as they are clearly not) then none of this would be happening. There would be no OW/OM. It's the married person's choice to make a mockery of his vows.

GloomyMonday · 23/09/2018 10:39

"But if I've got no commitments, what am I responsible for?"

Being a decent human being.

Not turning a blind eye to a man cheating on his wife because you enjoy him fucking you.

Not aiding and abetting, helping a man to treat his wife appalling. In fact, seeing him do that and loving him for it!

Taking yourself out of the whole sorry equation because you know the whole situation is just plain wrong.

Not because you owe the wife anything - unless you're her friend or her sister - but because that's what decent non-scumbag people do.

Because there are a great many situations in life where you are expected to behave honourably even though you haven't made any promises or vows to anyone, yet you do it, because it's the right thing to do. Except when it comes to shagging a mm apparently. Then you're allowed to say 'it's him not me, I'm blameless'.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/09/2018 10:52

Gloomy, why are you putting this on the OW though?

Here's a fact, you cannot 'aid and abet' somebody into doing something that they don't want to do. I know it's unpalatable to think that your (generic) husband might want to do this but if he does, then the fault is his. His decision to betray you, his decision to wreck his family if that is the outcome.

Ayn has made the point again and again (and I know you like to use the term 'labouring' with anybody who doesn't agree with you) but the example she gave is crystal clear. If a man has the intention of cheating (even if he doesn't manage it), who is at fault? Clue: Not the OW-who-didn't-want-to-fuck-him. Your husband is still a cheater - and he would be if only he could.

The language you use, the name-calling - so aggressive towards the OW. It's unjustified because it's disproportionate. Also - I was an OW, I'm not now. I don't consider myself a scumbag, slut or any of those lovely terms you and others are so fond of using.

I know why you won't use them against your husbands though... because you (mistakenly) believe it would reflect on you, your choice of partner, your choice of father for your children. It doesn't and, if you could let go of that notion you would set yourselves free of making excuses for the husbands who cheat on you and you'd place the blame for their cheating, squarely on them.

Carry on though hating the OW if it makes you feel better by all means.

Robin2323 · 23/09/2018 10:55

Well then, why all the insistence on being able to blame an OW, even partly, when it doesn't actually matter whether she even exists or not? When the man is 100% culpable by his intentions and pursuits, even when he can't find a willing partner?

So you are telling me :
' I can't blame the ow in the slightest ' ?????
So if I was to text your dp constantly.
Pay him loads of attention.
Even steal a friendly kiss - you'd be ok with it???
And this is all before anything happened?
I don't mean your dp would take any notice of me acting in the flirty way BUT I assume you'd still be a bit miffed??

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 23/09/2018 10:56

The OP has forgiven her husband for his affair 5 years ago and she remained with him, and from what I can see is still with him now. So I struggle to see why she still holds all of this anger and contempt for a woman who has no commitment or loyalty to her.

Bizarre.

GloomyMonday · 23/09/2018 11:00

"Here's a fact, you cannot 'aid and abet' somebody into doing something that they don't want to do."

Of course not. But why would you want to be that supportingperson? I couldn't stop someone punching their friend in the face, slapping their child, calling their wife an abusive name, whatever, but I sure as hell wouldn't help them do it. Admire them for it. Find them even more fuckable for it. I'd think they were shits. I'd want to distance myself.

Carry on though hating the OW if it makes you feel better by all means."

I have no specific ow to hate but I will continue looking down on women like that, yes I will, thank you.

GloomyMonday · 23/09/2018 11:01

" (and I know you like to use the term 'labouring' with anybody who doesn't agree with you)"

Well, think I've said it once, but ok. It's a good word though.

GloomyMonday · 23/09/2018 11:02

"The language you use, the name-calling - so aggressive towards the OW. It's unjustified because it's disproportionate"

Not disproportionate. You should hear the language I reserve for the men.

Robin2323 · 23/09/2018 11:05

*u still done get it, Robin.

... and if the OW is getting 'crumbs', so is the wife, believe me. From my experience, the OW doesn't perceive it as 'crumbs'. Is she wrong in w*

The wife gets the whole bread loaf....
Shared history
Children
Weekends
Evenings
Holidays
Christmas
A lift home from work

The ow gets snatched phone calls at odd times.
False hope
Etc

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/09/2018 11:07

I don't think we'll see eye to eye on this, Gloomy. I'm ok with that.

I don't 'look down' on people because they're not worse or better than I am. I do feel pity for women though who prostrate themselves at their cheating husbands and lash out at women when their husband could have stopped it all. And should have.

It's pitiful and it's pathetic and whilst I do feel sympathy when other people are in pain, I won't collude with the nonsense that this is.