My boyfriend has texted a man behind my back

[LilyMinnie12]

Not sure where to start really...

My partner of 4 years has texted another man behind my back. All sexual stuff, not lovey dovey. Let me start from the beginning.

My partner and I have access to each others devices, know all passwords etc. I noticed when he was showing me some texts that he'd sent some texts to his work phone of pictures with him. I questioned why and he said it was a prank at work (they often do this). A day later I was using his work phone to look at the weather, purely as mine was in another room and we'd bene discussing it. While on it he receives a whatsapp from a man I don't recognise, basically saying he wants anal sex. Of course I clicked on it and saw everything. It was a guy he'd met on grindr. It had only started the day before so there wasn't much, but it was very sexual stuff involving anal beads, anal, BDSM, etc etc. From both sides. I immediately confronted him and he went silent and quiet, eventually crying. He told me that since he was 16 he'd occasionally had urges but apart from kissing a boy once when he was 16 (which i didn't know about), he'd never acted on it before. I asked if he'd had one of these urges since being with me and he said he hadn't before this one. He deleted the conversation and blocked the guy, assuring me it was a one off.

This was about a month ago, I feel like I handled it surprisingly well and quite mature. I absolutely love him and we've been through a lot and this is the only reason he's ever given me not to trust him. I didn't see him for a few days then we met up and went through it all, I told him i didn't want to break up, and how I understand that this is a bigger picture than if he was just texting another woman for sex, as its important he comes to term with his sexuality. We spoke about everything from the risk of this happening in 20 years time if he finally decided he was gay, to him having to earn my trust again, and be open about how he was feeling (although we've always had a good communicative relationship).

I don't know what to do. I still love him, I want to be with him, I have put this somewhat behind me. I haven't however told anyone, at all. Am I being a massive idiot for not reacting more, is it a sign that it hasn't torn me apart as it would others? Should i leave him as I know I likely would if he was texting a woman?

I guess I want to know others perspectives before I dive into this again, as I feel too uncomfortable with people close to me knowing, especially if they disagree and I stay with him.

Any advice much appreciated, feeling a bit lost...

Sorry love, but your boyfriend is gay ans actively looking to hook up with a man.

You aren’t seriously considering staying?

I feel too uncomfortable with people close to me knowing, especially if they disagree and I stay with him

Why on earth would you want to stay with him? Not sure if he's gay or bi, but he definitely cheated on you.

I don’t think you were acting maturely, you were burying your head in the sand. And the shock has made you not erupt like I guess you always imagined you would.

None of this is your fault, it’s all his. And he’s an utter bastard for reaching out to someone and cheating on you, male or female. But he’s also a shit for using you as a front to hide behind. No doubt he cares for you, humans often care for each other, but is that what you want from a relationship? You clearly thought you and he were something else so I suspect it’s not acceptable to you.

You’ve been put in a horrible position. I hope you can find some space to think and make some good decisions for your future.

It's great you've been supportive about his sexuality and confusion, but lets face it, he was cheating. It doesn't matter what the sex of the other person was. If you would dump him for doing it with a woman, you should dump him for doing it with a man. If it was a harmless fantasy he would just looked at porn. If you hadn't have caught him out chances are he would've escalated.

Do you want to be looking over your shoulder your entire relationship? and if he is gay, your entire relationship will have been as a beard. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone when I definitely could not provide what they 'secretly' want.

Doesnt matter if hes bi or not. Agree with others hes cheated or thinking of it. He may be gay and not admitting to himself fully. Many men with kids cone out later in life. If you havent dcs with him then thank yr lucky stars you found out now and RUN! Yes it will hurt but will hurt a lot more later down the line. You have to be brave and strong. As he will have to facing up to his true sexuality.

Should i leave him as I know I likely would if he was texting a woman?

That’s your answer. It’s no different.

Should i leave him as I know I likely would if he was texting a woman

So why is him texting a man not the same. He's planning on cheating on you whether it's male or female he's planning on cheating

There is definitely more to this story than you currently know. I promise you I am exceptionally skilled at spotting a lie; let me tell you how you can spot them.

Is what I'm being told both improbable and convenient?

If yes... it's a lie.

Is it rather improbable that in 4 years the only time your partner has ever messaged a man for explicit sex chat was the one time you picked up his work phone to check the weather? Is it improbably that you checked the weather at one of the handful of times that this man messaged, and that this was the first and only man to have messaged him on the back of his Grindr account? And that having set up a Grindr account, the very first time he has any contact with anyone on it you happen to pick up his phone?

Yes my love, yes it most definitely is. And it is mightily convenient for him as well, don't you think?

Now tell me too; he was experienced enough in this to have set up a Grindr account. I would suggest it is extremely unlikely that this was his first port of call for exploring this aspect of his sexuality, wouldn't you say? That's pretty improbable; you'd think he'd start of with porn for example. It's also improbable that his first contact with a man would go straight in at the deep end with BDSM and anal, or that it would involve planning to meet up, or photos being exchanged. Really improbable, wouldn't you say? Also highly convenient if that were the case, given the story he's trying to spin to you.

I'm sorry, I truly am. I've been through similar. I reacted much like you have, but these little improbabilities started niggling at me and I pushed and I pushed... and the floodgates opened, and it was a whole double life of lies.

Perhaps yours won't be as bad as all that. But the bullshit he's telling you right now is about as likely as him having won the lottery on his first roll of the dice. I mean it literally doesn't make sense. Find the truth, if it's in any way important to you. Use my rule for spotting lies. The very best of luck to you my love.

Sorry for the long post OP!

Completely agree with Rat above. It would be a huge coincidence that the first time you spotted this is exactly the first time he’s sexually messaged someone and very nearly partook in a sexual meet up.

It’s admirable you dealt with it in this way, and with no offence intended almost too calmly, could it be shock? You love him so much you almost don’t want to offend him/his sexuality?

I think if you stayed you’d be forever looking over your shoulder (and at his phone-not normal). Would you really want to live like that?

Time to think 100% of yourself and your future.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know I'm being silly/gullible, but I just can't imagine leaving him right now, maybe that will come in time. I know you're all right.

He told me he was never going to/never has actually act on it. And before and since we've had a great sex life. Whatever the case he's definitely not fully gay, as he says he stills fancies me and is attracted to me, so I can only conclude he's bi. Life throws horrible curve balls sometimes

Did you have any suspicions? I didn't get a feeling you were massively shocked on finding out your partner might be gay.

Don't worry, you don't have to leave him; you're the betrayed party in this and you've only just found out; there's no pressure on you to do anything at all except what you need to do following a shock like this.

Just... take that "he was never going to act on it" with a grain of salt. If you'd stumbled across the gay porn that undoubtedly came before this however many years ago, I can guarantee you he would have told you it would never extend to messaging real life people; to setting up a Grind account; to sending pictures of himself... He didn't stop at any of those hurdles, why on earth would you believe that actually meeting someone would have been his line in the sand? It's extremely improbable... and convenient.

Straight or gay is a red herring - he has chosen to sexually pursue someone else. That's your answer.

Loads of people who cheat have great sex lives with their partners.

The line 'oh we don't have sex' is something an attached man or woman tells their OW/OM to justify the affair and convince them it's ok. Your sex life does not tell you if he cheated.

You know he cheated. Many of my gay friends are on that app. It's used, usually for hooking up.

You know he has cheated. Deep down you know and are pretending it your denial is about being mature and supporting him.

He will do this again.

I think you need to focus on him being unfaithful not just what you think re his sexuality.

I understand this is very personal and for me whether he is interested in having further sexual experiences with men rather than women wouldn't be my concern, but his lack of fidelity would be!

He many not be gay, he might be bi. But either way, it doesn't sound like he is 100 per cent confident of his sexuality, or 100 per cent committed to you. I agree with every word of Rat's post. He has cheated on you and not for the first time, it really doesn't matter if it is with men rather than women. It really is time to move on, OP, this man is only going to cause you a lot of pain. I am so sorry.

you need to have an extremely frank and full discussion with this man. if he is talking to another man about anal then are they both taking sensible precautions? if not he is putting you at a massive risk. Anyone who has an affair is showing disrespect to their current partner because they are prepared to put them at risk of STD's. and you are at risk. so go and get yourself tested right now because as others have said he has spun you a pack of lies. and if you do decide to stay with him then you have to come to terms with and accept this aspect of his sexuality. if he is bi you will always be sharing - it wont be an exclusive relationship. if you can handle this then great but if not then you need to move on and quickly. Personally, it would be the fact that has he has cheated on me irrespective of the sex of the other person that would be the issue. the trust would be gone and so would I. go and get yourself tested and start having some proper conversations with him about his sexuality.

I think the problem is not to do with whether he's gay straight or bi. It's that he even considered being unfaithful to you. That's not a loving or respectful thing to do.

My cousin is married to a woman.
He has had secret fantasies about men since he was a young teenager. He does not confide in anyone except me as we live 300 miles away from each other and have no mutual friends.
He has been battling with his feelings for a long time. He loves his wife, but he doesn't seem able to get to grips with his conflict.
He paid a male prostitute for sex a couple of months ago. He will definitely do this again.

His wife has no clue.

He was cheating on you, it's no different to him texting a woman for sex, all this crap about "coming to terms with his sexuality" nope nope nope. Even if he was bi or gay it's still cheating, the fact it's a man makes no difference!!

One of my best friends decided she fancied women last year completely out of the blue, she was married and had been with her husband 13 years. Her husband (also my good friend) like a fool encouraged her to explore it as it was "important to explore her sexuality". So off she popped onto the gay dating apps and before she knew it she'd had 3 flings. Her marriage unsurprisingly ended and she's now with one of the women. Her husband was an idiot to go along with it!!! I still see it as she was cheating on the husband yet she doesn't?! She was just exploring her sexuality and that's different, obviously .

If I was you I'd dump him and probably get myself checked for stis too, I highly doubt it's the first time he's done this sort of thing.

People who are gay or bi don't inherently lack self control. There is no excuse for what he did and it's no different to if he was doing the same thing with a woman.

Absolute bullshit to having no urges to have sex with men for years. And then all of a sudden he is on Grindr? It's fine that he had those urges, everyone fantasizes about sex with other people and it isn't necessarily relevant what characteristics those people have. But it is a blatant lie.

Agree with earlier comment about convenience. Very unlikely.

There is nothing wrong about being bi.
There is also nothing wrong about BDSM, sex toys etc...

What I wouod have an issue with is

• if he is with you, he can’t go and have sex/sexual conversations like this with someone else. Whether it’s a man or a woman.
• I’m getting the feeling that the sex life you have is great and active but notnthe type he was talking about with this guy? What’s going on there? Is it just a fantaisie but does he actually want that sort if sex life? Again not an issue as such but would be if this is what he actually wants and you dont.

I think there is more chats to have with him as well as actually recognition, from BOTH of you, that he was cheating (or initiating cheating) and therefore this needs to be treated as such.

He's actively pursuing sex or sexual chat behind your back, which means somewhere deep in his head he wants more or something different.
If he is telling the truth about no gay experiences then this urge isn't just going to go away it will return but next time he will hide it better as he has learnt from this mistake.
I speak from experience whether it be months or years this will happen again. He didn't actively pursue his sexual desire towards males when he was single but he doesn't mind doing it whilst he's with You?! I find this equally as bad as sexting or downloading a dating app and chatting to a woman!

As he knows that you have full access then my feeling is he wanted you to find out what he’s been up to.
As other posters have said, this isn’t the first time and probably won’t be the last
It’s up to you what you decide to do but you should get yourself checked out for STI