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Original poster

My boyfriend has texted a man behind my back

108 replies

LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 15:01

Not sure where to start really...

My partner of 4 years has texted another man behind my back. All sexual stuff, not lovey dovey. Let me start from the beginning.

My partner and I have access to each others devices, know all passwords etc. I noticed when he was showing me some texts that he'd sent some texts to his work phone of pictures with him. I questioned why and he said it was a prank at work (they often do this). A day later I was using his work phone to look at the weather, purely as mine was in another room and we'd bene discussing it. While on it he receives a whatsapp from a man I don't recognise, basically saying he wants anal sex. Of course I clicked on it and saw everything. It was a guy he'd met on grindr. It had only started the day before so there wasn't much, but it was very sexual stuff involving anal beads, anal, BDSM, etc etc. From both sides. I immediately confronted him and he went silent and quiet, eventually crying. He told me that since he was 16 he'd occasionally had urges but apart from kissing a boy once when he was 16 (which i didn't know about), he'd never acted on it before. I asked if he'd had one of these urges since being with me and he said he hadn't before this one. He deleted the conversation and blocked the guy, assuring me it was a one off.

This was about a month ago, I feel like I handled it surprisingly well and quite mature. I absolutely love him and we've been through a lot and this is the only reason he's ever given me not to trust him. I didn't see him for a few days then we met up and went through it all, I told him i didn't want to break up, and how I understand that this is a bigger picture than if he was just texting another woman for sex, as its important he comes to term with his sexuality. We spoke about everything from the risk of this happening in 20 years time if he finally decided he was gay, to him having to earn my trust again, and be open about how he was feeling (although we've always had a good communicative relationship).

I don't know what to do. I still love him, I want to be with him, I have put this somewhat behind me. I haven't however told anyone, at all. Am I being a massive idiot for not reacting more, is it a sign that it hasn't torn me apart as it would others? Should i leave him as I know I likely would if he was texting a woman?

I guess I want to know others perspectives before I dive into this again, as I feel too uncomfortable with people close to me knowing, especially if they disagree and I stay with him.

Any advice much appreciated, feeling a bit lost...

OP posts:
Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 15:57

For some reason him texting someone else isn't the bigger issue to me, I'm not sure why. At first I didn't fully consider it even as cheating as I'd never been 'cheated' on and always assumed it was the long passionate affairs you hear about.

I know he hasn't acted on it by meeting up, you may or may not believe me but I do. We live together, we are so rarely apart, and we also have each other on find friends (we've had this for years as we were friends before we were together and all of our friendship group has it). I don't check it religiously but its there. And he's been so transparent and told me every feeling, every twinge he's had. He also had a long term girlfriend before me.

Seriously starting to think theres something wrong with me and I'm going a bit crazy!

OP posts:
cactusplant · 19/09/2018 15:58

My friend was in this situation. She found out about it all the week they were getting married.
She married him and had kids with him. They are comfortable with his sexuality now as bisexual and seem in a really good place together.

She had a wobble over it about 2 years ago I think, and encouraged him (she was the one encouraging it) to experiment meeting somebody for sex. A dangerous move at the time as he did it on the pretence she wanted this too and then she was disappointed he had and upset, a bit all over the place.

Now that's over with though and they communicate they seem fine.

NoLightInTheTunnel · 19/09/2018 15:59

And before and since we've had a great sex life.

I sincerely hope you're using condoms.

MulticolourMophead · 19/09/2018 16:00

He's done this before, it sounds too experienced otherwise. And make or female, he Is cheating.

OP, I'd get an STI test. And while I appreciate this is a bit of a shock, I'm not sure that this relationship is a good one if he went behind your back like this. I'd consider leaving once the shock subsides.

RatRolyPoly · 19/09/2018 16:03

Perhaps he hadn't gone through with it OP, but don't for a second think he never would have if you hadn't picked up his phone at that precise moment on that fateful day.

Take your time, there's no rush for you to untangle all your feelings over this. And the feelings you have will change in time too. Just don't shut it away in a box and close the lid hoping everything will be okay if you just don't look at it. It doesn't work like that. you didn't ask for this massive curve-ball but I'm afraid now it's here you're going to have to go through the hard work of processing it.

RatRolyPoly · 19/09/2018 16:04

I meant to send you these Flowers

Juells · 19/09/2018 16:06

STI test, condoms from now on, and no oral sex. At a minimum.

wotsit99 · 19/09/2018 16:08

OP you seem a bit in denial.

Oblomov18 · 19/09/2018 16:09

You seem to blinded to be able to see what's really going on here.
To jump right into heavy anal and BDSM shows that this is s big thing, not new.
You sound naieve to be swallowing this nonsense he's sprouting.

RatRolyPoly · 19/09/2018 16:09

OP, can you find out the email address he set up his Grindr account from? I would seriously suggest it is an entirely separate email account from the one you have open access to. I assume him having a secret email address might make you ask a few more questions about when this started and what has perhaps gone on... but I could be wrong. I'm sorry, don't let me push you on the basis of my own experiences, just take what you need from everyone here's advice.

WinnieFosterTether · 19/09/2018 16:10

Where did he go when you first found out? Because you said you didn't see him for a few days but later you said you lived together.
He's been sexting someone else. I don't think his sexuality is important. What would be important to me is that he was lying and cheating. There's nothing mature about being fine with that.

BewareOfDragons · 19/09/2018 16:12

He's gay, and looking to explore his feelings for men now.

You would be nuts to stay with him, frankly.

Don't have unprotected sex with him. And get yourself checked.

Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 16:12

I know I'm in a bit of denial, probably because i haven't spoken about it with anyone til now. He told me when he watches porn its 50/50 gay straight, hence why it doesn't surprise me that he knows about all that stuff, even I do to an extent from just the internet these days.

I am blinded right now and I'm unsure whether time will change that or I will just become happy with how we are and overcome this.

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 19/09/2018 16:12

Sorry OP, you must be feeling terrible. Whether male or female it's cheating and it's up to you to decide whether to forgive or not, but the fact it's a man he's messaging is a huge factor and makes all the difference. There's a high chance he's gay and repressing his sexuality which will result in both of you extremely unhappy further down the line. I would leave because nobody deserves to be in a relationship like that.

Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 16:14

WinnieFosterTether I left and stayed with my colleague for a bit, just told her we'd had a fight, kept details light.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 19/09/2018 16:15

If you aren't so bothered he's been sexting people, what's the part that's bothering you most? Him not telling you previously that he was bi, or finding out his sexual tastes are different to yours (or that he was hiding them)?

HisBetterHalf · 19/09/2018 16:16

Its not about him being straight, gay, bi, curious. Its about trust. He has been on grinder and actively looked for sex with someone else. That alone would be reason to move on

User19992018 · 19/09/2018 16:17

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Bibidy · 19/09/2018 16:17

I think it depends OP, it's all about whether you genuinely feel you can trust him and what he says, or not.

It definitely sets off huge alarm bells that he's actively contacting and messaging other people sexually. He hasn't been caught up in the moment and done something silly without thinking, he's putting himself out there and actively finding other sexual partners, even just for chat. To me that signals that he's not content in his current relationship, and yes, that could be because he needs to explore his sexuality further.

Maybe it is just curiosity, boredom or whatever, but the fact that he cried and mentioned how he'd kissed a boy at 16 smacks of angst and deeper sexuality worries to me. This isn't a man who's just looking for a bit of fun and got caught out, this is a man who's reaching out for something he feels he needs.

Would you consider a break from this relationship?

RatRolyPoly · 19/09/2018 16:19

I am blinded right now and I'm unsure whether time will change that or I will just become happy with how we are and overcome this.

Only time will tell OP, don't push yourself to decide on an answer right now. Just... if I could advise you to do anything at all right now it's don't stop asking questions. Don't be made a mug of. Be with someone you want to be with - your reasons can be your own and you don't need to answer to us for that one - but don't be with someone you might only want to be with because of what you don't know about them.

babygoose48 · 19/09/2018 16:21

I’m sorry OP, I would get a test done to cover your back just in case.

I work in HIV and the amount of patients who are secretly homosexual and DONT tell their long term female partners they are infected is beyond numbers. You have nothing to lose by being tested, just to gain a sense of security.

WinnieFosterTether · 19/09/2018 16:23

Lily I think it's good that you took that time to yourself. The problem is that it's easier to fall back into old relationships than to acknowledge that the person you're with isn't who you thought they were. Ask yourself what your red lines are in a relationship. Because if they aren't cheating and lying then I'm not sure what boundaries you have. Flowers

Juells · 19/09/2018 16:29

I think you're in shock still, and it's a bit like when someone you know dies - you're in denial for quite a while because the truth is so painful to face. This won't go away though.

Rudgie47 · 19/09/2018 16:33

Hes gay OP or Bi at a push and it wont go away and you will never be enough for him as you cant be as he wants cock.
Hes actively persuing men, cut your losses now and move on to a partner who wants you.

lynmilne65 · 19/09/2018 16:34

It happened to me and ended very badly ☹️

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