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Original poster

My boyfriend has texted a man behind my back

108 replies

LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 15:01

Not sure where to start really...

My partner of 4 years has texted another man behind my back. All sexual stuff, not lovey dovey. Let me start from the beginning.

My partner and I have access to each others devices, know all passwords etc. I noticed when he was showing me some texts that he'd sent some texts to his work phone of pictures with him. I questioned why and he said it was a prank at work (they often do this). A day later I was using his work phone to look at the weather, purely as mine was in another room and we'd bene discussing it. While on it he receives a whatsapp from a man I don't recognise, basically saying he wants anal sex. Of course I clicked on it and saw everything. It was a guy he'd met on grindr. It had only started the day before so there wasn't much, but it was very sexual stuff involving anal beads, anal, BDSM, etc etc. From both sides. I immediately confronted him and he went silent and quiet, eventually crying. He told me that since he was 16 he'd occasionally had urges but apart from kissing a boy once when he was 16 (which i didn't know about), he'd never acted on it before. I asked if he'd had one of these urges since being with me and he said he hadn't before this one. He deleted the conversation and blocked the guy, assuring me it was a one off.

This was about a month ago, I feel like I handled it surprisingly well and quite mature. I absolutely love him and we've been through a lot and this is the only reason he's ever given me not to trust him. I didn't see him for a few days then we met up and went through it all, I told him i didn't want to break up, and how I understand that this is a bigger picture than if he was just texting another woman for sex, as its important he comes to term with his sexuality. We spoke about everything from the risk of this happening in 20 years time if he finally decided he was gay, to him having to earn my trust again, and be open about how he was feeling (although we've always had a good communicative relationship).

I don't know what to do. I still love him, I want to be with him, I have put this somewhat behind me. I haven't however told anyone, at all. Am I being a massive idiot for not reacting more, is it a sign that it hasn't torn me apart as it would others? Should i leave him as I know I likely would if he was texting a woman?

I guess I want to know others perspectives before I dive into this again, as I feel too uncomfortable with people close to me knowing, especially if they disagree and I stay with him.

Any advice much appreciated, feeling a bit lost...

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 19/09/2018 16:35

This will come up again and you are going to have to decide if you can live with it or not. But already the status quo has changed. You are going to need to think about your sexual health and ensure you remain safe.
This is not easy by any means. So now you and him can accept he is bi - but where does this go next? Are the feelings suppressed and will need to surface later?
I think you are both in denial

disorganisedXX · 19/09/2018 16:36

Just remember OP that there is no such thing as practice cheating.

There is cheating and not cheating.

He is not not cheating or you wouldn't be on here asking.

You can have a better life than that.

SherbrookeFosterer · 19/09/2018 16:40

Your boyfriend is gay.

My aunt was married to a gay man and it sort of worked, but she had to make enormous sacrifices.

You could have a relationship where he was allowed to do these things. Sex is often therapy to heal a deep psychological wound. It sounds like he is using sex with men in this way.

But that is not what you bought into when you met him, I guess and this is a real test of how much you love him.

Just don't stay with him for fear of being alone or embarrassment of explaining to people why the relationship , as it currently stands, ended. Relationships evolve over time. You could evolve into being just friends, for example.

Be strong, OP.

safetyfreak · 19/09/2018 16:41

Eeee oh man, if you have no kids and are not married then if I was you I would RUN.

This man is curious about his sexuality, has not experimented before and has been on the notorious gay hook up site looking for sex.

Ticking...time...bomb...

BrokenWing · 19/09/2018 16:42

This man will break your heart, better now that wasting years on him risking your sexual health in the process.

You are acting like you are sharing the confidence of and supporting a confused friend rather than responding to a partner who HAS cheated on you and will again as he is either gay or bi. Time to get angry, get RL support, tell him to fuck of and prioritise yourself.

SandyY2K · 19/09/2018 16:43

He told me he was never going to/never has actually act on it.

They all say that.

I'd have ended it when I saw the messages.

TomHardysNextWife · 19/09/2018 16:47

Oh OP how can you not see what is flashing in neon lights right in front of your eyes................

Get yourself for an STI check, gather up your self respect and move on. He's gay. He is never going to love you in the way you love him. He can't Sad.

Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 16:55

I've got a shit storm coming my way haven't I

OP posts:
RatRolyPoly · 19/09/2018 16:57

I'm afraid you do OP. Always here if you need someone to weather it with; I'm not a long way through one myself.

disorganisedXX · 19/09/2018 16:58

Nah just a new chapter, it will be ok just be your own best friend.

Quick and clean like ripping off a plaster.

Redglitter · 19/09/2018 17:00

or I will just become happy with how we are and overcome this

You'll be happy living with a gay/bi man who's cheating on you? Please don't fall for the 'he wouldn't have acted on it' line. That's BS. Course he would & if you're honest with yourself you know it is too

jadeywadeyyox · 19/09/2018 17:00

Whether it's with a man or a woman, it's cheating.

There obviously nothing wrong with him being bisexual, but he's still in a very commited relationship..

slapbitchface · 19/09/2018 17:06

This would worry me more than another woman because it's something you can't compete with or give to him. He's going to try it at some stage and you need to be sure you can deal with that

Rudgie47 · 19/09/2018 17:11

No only if you chose to stay with him.
You need to leave him OP. No ifs or buts.

Bibidy · 19/09/2018 17:11

I think the key thing is that he is going to act on it, and probably has already. He is afraid to say as he doesn't want to lose you.

The only way this relationship could work is if it's a mutual agreement between you both that he is able to fulfil these needs outside of your relationship. However, there's obviously still no guarantee that he won't turn around in 5, 10, 20 years' time and tell you that he can't carry on and he's been living a lie.

My worry for you is that it sounds like he's really struggling with his feelings and that to me indicates that he's more likely to be a closeted gay man than a bi-sexual man who just wanted a quick fix.

LellyMcKelly · 19/09/2018 17:11

LEAVE HIM. I cannot give you clearer or more straightforward advice. Your boyfriend is gay, or at least is so interested in sex with men that he set up a Grindr account on his phone. You cannot win this one.

How do I know? Because I’ve been through it. 20 years ago I found gay porn on our computer. I questioned him about it. It was just curiosity, he said. I put it to the back of my mind and we married and had children. The marriage was sexless after the second kid was born, and I was miserable and frustrated. 6 years after DC2 was born, I’m putting away laundry and find a bag with dozens of different kinds of condoms and sachets of lube, picked up from gay nightclubs where he’d been while travelling for work. So I was 46 with 2 kids, starting all over again. It worked out ok. I met someone wonderful and he’s now living with his boyfriend. I’m glad I had my kids, but feel like I wasted a big chunk of my life.

Do not put yourself through this. Find a man who only wants you and loves you enough to be honest with you and himself.

7toGo · 19/09/2018 17:17

Why do you think this half life is all you're worth?

Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 17:48

I'm not sure why. Hadn't even thought about it in that respect.

This is making me so unhappy as I know what all of you are saying makes sense, yet for some reason it feels like the wrong decision to leave? I don't know why, I wish I was able to see this more clearly. The thought of breaking up makes me desperately sad

OP posts:
jadeywadeyyox · 19/09/2018 18:01

It feels like the wrong decision because you love him.
Its 100% understandable that you feel that way.
But this is cheating.
And there's absolutely no way that he set up a grindr account and only spoke to 1 other man.
This is an itch he cannot scratch and eventually he will sexually cheat on you, and not just cheat via texting.
He went through all of that trouble to download an app, set up a profile and proceeded to talk to men behind your back.

There is nothing you can do to satisfy this urge he has, because you are a woman.
He will give into it eventually, no matter how much he loves you.
I'm sorry. X

HollowTalk · 19/09/2018 18:06

OP, have you actually ever been on Grindr? It's an eye-opener to say the least. I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who enjoyed going on that site.

Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 18:07

No, would you suggest looking at it will help make up my mind?

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 19/09/2018 18:08

Of course it feels wrong OP. You love him. It's horrible to leave people we love but sometimes it's still the right thing to do, despite our loving feelings making us feel sad.

Lifeisabeach09 · 19/09/2018 18:11

Break ups are painful and sad, OP. But the alternative is to stay with him and be cheated on. And he will look for gay sex again.

Or, you could stay with him and accept that he sleeps with men on occasion; an open relationship with you being free to do the same. If you go this route, as PP have said, beware of the STI implications.

HollowTalk · 19/09/2018 18:21

You will have to install it and sign up but I think you'll get a massive shock when you do.

Fanciedachange1 · 19/09/2018 18:25

OP how do you feel about the possibility of your partner being bi? Ignore the negative comments here.

I am married to a man but am also attracted to women. On the outside I appear straight but ultimately I would fit into the bi category.

I would be devestated if my husband decided that this was a reason to ditch me!

In regards to the hook up, if he hasn’t actually met anyone then again it is up to you how you feel. I can see why he would get a kick out of talking to someone and he may have never had any intention to meet. I would see it as no different to a straight bloke phoning one of those late night sex line tv things.

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