My boyfriend has texted a man behind my back

[LilyMinnie12]

Not sure where to start really...

My partner of 4 years has texted another man behind my back. All sexual stuff, not lovey dovey. Let me start from the beginning.

My partner and I have access to each others devices, know all passwords etc. I noticed when he was showing me some texts that he'd sent some texts to his work phone of pictures with him. I questioned why and he said it was a prank at work (they often do this). A day later I was using his work phone to look at the weather, purely as mine was in another room and we'd bene discussing it. While on it he receives a whatsapp from a man I don't recognise, basically saying he wants anal sex. Of course I clicked on it and saw everything. It was a guy he'd met on grindr. It had only started the day before so there wasn't much, but it was very sexual stuff involving anal beads, anal, BDSM, etc etc. From both sides. I immediately confronted him and he went silent and quiet, eventually crying. He told me that since he was 16 he'd occasionally had urges but apart from kissing a boy once when he was 16 (which i didn't know about), he'd never acted on it before. I asked if he'd had one of these urges since being with me and he said he hadn't before this one. He deleted the conversation and blocked the guy, assuring me it was a one off.

This was about a month ago, I feel like I handled it surprisingly well and quite mature. I absolutely love him and we've been through a lot and this is the only reason he's ever given me not to trust him. I didn't see him for a few days then we met up and went through it all, I told him i didn't want to break up, and how I understand that this is a bigger picture than if he was just texting another woman for sex, as its important he comes to term with his sexuality. We spoke about everything from the risk of this happening in 20 years time if he finally decided he was gay, to him having to earn my trust again, and be open about how he was feeling (although we've always had a good communicative relationship).

I don't know what to do. I still love him, I want to be with him, I have put this somewhat behind me. I haven't however told anyone, at all. Am I being a massive idiot for not reacting more, is it a sign that it hasn't torn me apart as it would others? Should i leave him as I know I likely would if he was texting a woman?

I guess I want to know others perspectives before I dive into this again, as I feel too uncomfortable with people close to me knowing, especially if they disagree and I stay with him.

Any advice much appreciated, feeling a bit lost...

Youll never trust him again. Years ago a friend of mine went out with someone trying to break into acting( he never made it as far as I know) and because of this never admitted he was gay (wouldnt have got many parts not that he did anyway!) He was always making innuendos with gay gays and whilst we could all see it she never could.He lied to his family and dont know that he ever came out. She dumped him over his constant lying. A while after they split a gay friend if hers saw him snogging the face if a guy in a gay club.She since heard that he married a woman so is still denying it. My friend almost had a total breakdown whilst she was with him.Dont be that woman.It will eat away inside you.It was awful to see my friend go through this. Walk away. It IS simple.He doesnt care about you otherwise he would walk. Hes totally selfish and you will be wasting years esp if you want dcs.You have already wasted 4. You are also vulnerable to STDs.

He went behind your back knowing you would be hurt if you found out.

He cried only because you found out, it's a classic manipulation tactic for anyone cheating, regardless of their sexuality. He's minimising what he's done ("it was the first time").

He'll do it again, and if you stay with him, you'll feel 1000 times worse next time when you realise you were taken for a mug.

And I'd give this advise to anyone who's partner is cheating, regardless of sex or sexuality.

OP I would walk away.

I was dating a guy and had my suspicions he was bi or gay but he denied it. He had a male friend who seemed too interested in our relationship and seemed to look at me with pity.

I was a nervous wreck as I became suspicious of both men and women. If I had known this at the beginning you would be accustomed to it. But the gay scene can be hedonistic in ways that would shock you!

I have gay male friends and they tell me about the married men who regularly turn up for sex at a known spot.

I ended the relationship and he later went onto marry a woman but has now come out as gay.

Protect yourself.

I think it's important for me to remember that I love him, and he hasn't done this to hurt me

He hasn't done it to intentionally hurt, but he hasn't given one single shit to how that would affect and hurt you. He knew it was wrong, he knew it was cheating, but still did it anyway to fill his own selfish needs. Like I said, if it was just fantasy then gay porn would be the answer, but it wasn't that. He went beyond that and actively went seeking someone else and only stopped because he got caught (this time). My friends use Grindr and it is a hook up app (with many 'straight' men looking for no strings experiments).

As for the PPs moaning about negative comments regarding his sexuality - he cheated, it does't matter who or what with. No ones bashing anyone for being queer, it's the fact he's lied to the OP and gone behind her back.

I think it's important to note the women who have had partners leave them after years because the man has suddenly decided he 'needs to be true to himself' with no consideration of the time and love the women have given them. Your OH might only be bi OP, but he's never experimented before and there is a whole other world of experience he wants that you cannot physically give him, I wouldn't be so confident that his being honest with you about his curiosity will only stay curiosity.

Life may throw horrible curve balls but you don't have to catch this one.... This will bring you nothing but heartache..

He has cheated and he is bi. You will question every single man And woman. He will do it again and this was definitely not the first time.

It is fairly simple to walk away. Not to forget certainly, that will take time and effort. Otherwise I am afraid further heartbreak lies ahead.

I think it's important for me to remember that I love him, and he hasn't done this to hurt me

I think it's more important to remember he was going to cheat on you. The only reason he didn't was because you got caught. People who cheat don't tend to do it to hurt their partners they do it because they're scumbags & don't plan on getting caught. If your partner loved you as much as you love him he wouldn't be sexting anyone else.

OP he's not a friend you're supporting through a tough time. You can split and move on then support him as a friend if you wish.

He's your partner and has been taking his sexual self out of your relationship.