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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend has texted a man behind my back

108 replies

LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 15:01

Not sure where to start really...

My partner of 4 years has texted another man behind my back. All sexual stuff, not lovey dovey. Let me start from the beginning.

My partner and I have access to each others devices, know all passwords etc. I noticed when he was showing me some texts that he'd sent some texts to his work phone of pictures with him. I questioned why and he said it was a prank at work (they often do this). A day later I was using his work phone to look at the weather, purely as mine was in another room and we'd bene discussing it. While on it he receives a whatsapp from a man I don't recognise, basically saying he wants anal sex. Of course I clicked on it and saw everything. It was a guy he'd met on grindr. It had only started the day before so there wasn't much, but it was very sexual stuff involving anal beads, anal, BDSM, etc etc. From both sides. I immediately confronted him and he went silent and quiet, eventually crying. He told me that since he was 16 he'd occasionally had urges but apart from kissing a boy once when he was 16 (which i didn't know about), he'd never acted on it before. I asked if he'd had one of these urges since being with me and he said he hadn't before this one. He deleted the conversation and blocked the guy, assuring me it was a one off.

This was about a month ago, I feel like I handled it surprisingly well and quite mature. I absolutely love him and we've been through a lot and this is the only reason he's ever given me not to trust him. I didn't see him for a few days then we met up and went through it all, I told him i didn't want to break up, and how I understand that this is a bigger picture than if he was just texting another woman for sex, as its important he comes to term with his sexuality. We spoke about everything from the risk of this happening in 20 years time if he finally decided he was gay, to him having to earn my trust again, and be open about how he was feeling (although we've always had a good communicative relationship).

I don't know what to do. I still love him, I want to be with him, I have put this somewhat behind me. I haven't however told anyone, at all. Am I being a massive idiot for not reacting more, is it a sign that it hasn't torn me apart as it would others? Should i leave him as I know I likely would if he was texting a woman?

I guess I want to know others perspectives before I dive into this again, as I feel too uncomfortable with people close to me knowing, especially if they disagree and I stay with him.

Any advice much appreciated, feeling a bit lost...

OP posts:
Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 18:28

This message is like a shining light! I don't care if he's bi, not what I thought but it's not the end of the world, and I accept. I feel like before this happened to me I would be saying the same as everyone else but god its a hard place to be stuck between

OP posts:
babygoose48 · 19/09/2018 18:39

I understand where you are coming from OP wanting to forgive and to try and work through. I’d probably be the same after the shock. But there are other things to consider here.

If these temptations are real, then ultimately, his partner doesn’t have, and never will have what will satisfy him. Have a think about that. Not only will you probably be unhappy in the long run, but he will probably be unhappier. How long do you think he will keep that up for? I know if I was in his situation, id leave eventually as I’d be living a lie.

Maybe give yourself some time to work your head around it all xx

crispysausagerolls · 19/09/2018 18:39

I assume if he had joined tinder and was sexting with a woman and sending her naughty pics and discussing plans to meet up with her and have BDSM sex etc you would be leaving....

babygoose48 · 19/09/2018 18:43

I also know how grindr is like the lowest of the lows as well... not just quick fixes for bareback sex, some of them are known to offer a 20 for a bj!

Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 18:45

We met on tinder, so I feel like he is familiar with that social media world of sex. In his texts he was never arranging to meet up, just fantasising and flirting, which I know is just as bad.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 19/09/2018 18:50

Fanciedachange1

No one is advising the OP to leave because her OH is Bi or gay.

It's the fact that he's lied, and is likely still lying because many of us feel he's already cheated physically. He's broken the OP's trust, and has likely put her health at risk. And despite his crying and remorse, there's no guarantee he won't want to try a hookup again.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 19/09/2018 18:54

Most of the gay men I know came out as bisexual first so please be careful.
He's looking for sex with men. I get that you love him, but do you think he loves you? Or he may love you but its not in the way you want.

MsMotherOfDragons · 19/09/2018 18:54

I am going to go against the bulk of the other commenters here and say that I completely understand where you are coming from.

Ultimately if you are confident enough in your relationship to be able to say that you are a stable and happy couple, then it doesn't matter if he is bisexual. You sound as if you are actually very confident in it if you are able to talk about it and say that you want him to be able to come to terms with his sexuality.

Of course, one of the risks may be that he wants to sleep with other people, and you need to discuss honestly and clearly what is or isn't acceptable in your relationship. Could you talk about what it would mean for him to come to terms with his sexuality?

AvonCallingBarksdale · 19/09/2018 18:59

This is so sad. OP you need to find your sense of self worth. It matters not a jot if he’s gay (he is), bi or straight. It’s not about coming to terms with him possibly being bi, it’s that he’s about to/already has cheated on you. Absolute BS that this is the first time he’s contacted someone, when you happened upon the messages. Go, with your self-respect still intact - you deserve much better.

Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 19:02

I think it's important for me to remember that I love him, and he hasn't done this to hurt me. He's going through struggles just as much as I am, albeit it half of them brought on by himself. But I know I can't help how he feels.

Because I love him even if we were to break up I still think I'd be there for him. I don't envy his position.

I have made it clear that sex outside the relationship is an absolute deal breaker, and told him I don't want any texting/sexting/Grindr etc etc. But I also want him to acknowledge how he feels so that he doesn't say things are fine when they're not. I think because I acted so surprisingly calmly in the beginning he has felt reassured that he can tell me anything, and that I want to know everything, especially if it reflects our relationship. Does that make any sense?

OP posts:
cactusplant · 19/09/2018 19:03

Op if you feel you can be happy together then ignore the negative comments and focus on the positive, I think your attitude is mature and supportive and you might regret not giving it a go.
I do think though you need some real life support too. My friend was in absolute bits about telling me, I don't know why, I love them both just the same and neither me or my partner would ever judge it. In time it's just become like a quirk and we're closer for having supported each other through things like this regardless of the outcome. Please make time for yourself and gather up the courage to tell a friend, as much or as little detail as necessary but someone you can have a cuppa with who you know you can talk to.

Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 19:03

Reading that back I sound like such a wet wipe. This is so so difficult

OP posts:
Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 19:04

My friends are lovely and I know that they'd support me but right now I feel so embarrassed! For everyone involved

OP posts:
dragonflyflew · 19/09/2018 19:12

RatRolyPoly I wish you'd been in my life a long time ago, my gullibility game is strong!!

dragonflyflew · 19/09/2018 19:16

LilyMinnie12 for centuries couples have stayed together knowing that one partner is gay.

The thing is....there's no need nowadays to hide your sexuality. Ergo, there's no need to act as someone's 'beard' anymore unless his religion/culture heavily dictates it.

I personally couldn't do it unless it was clear and honest from the outcome and we could both pursue other relationships. And tbh if you chose that route you might as well reconfigure your relationship to become flatmates. I can't imagine having a loving best friend relationship with someone who's lied to me all our lives but that's just me.

merville · 19/09/2018 20:06

Almost everytime I see a woman on here saying her partner has cheated, 98% of the time, she mentions some incident of flirting, sexting, online dating/sexing profiles etc. in the past which she 'let go' and forgave. I think he'll do it again. I'm doubtful he hasn't already actually cheated. People never admit to more than they'e forced to.
I think he'll cheat and I worry he'll infect you with an STD.

He's also lied to you about his sexuality - by omission if you like, but still lied.

I'm sure he a lovely guy and all but I honestly think he'll just end up hurting you and that you're probably best to start detaching.

merville · 19/09/2018 20:08

You really really don't want to get tied up with this guy (no pun intended lol), getting further in with him could make your life a real fkg mess.

crispysausagerolls · 19/09/2018 20:09

I think it's important for me to remember that I love him, and he hasn't done this to hurt me. He's going through struggles just as much as I am, albeit it half of them brought on by himself. But I know I can't help how he feels.

Eh?! He hasn’t done it to hurt you, but he has done it willingly and knowing it would hurt you if you found out...

Honestly OP you are allowing yourself to be treated like absolute shit I don’t understand it

Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 20:11

Neither do I to be honest, wish it was as simple as walking away and forgetting on the spot

OP posts:
Jagblue · 19/09/2018 20:15

My sil was married for 25 years, 3 kids etc and one day her husband told her that he was gay.
They separated soon after and now he is married to a man.
She has been single ever since.
Very difficult for you but it's better to know now.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/09/2018 20:17

Neither do I to be honest, wish it was as simple as walking away and forgetting on the spot

Do you think you're allowing this as a bit of a defence mechanism?

Original poster
LilyMinnie12 · 19/09/2018 20:18

Why do you mean sorry?

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 19/09/2018 20:30

I think it's important for me to remember that I love him, and he hasn't done this to hurt me

If he didn't want to hurt you, he would have been honest.

safetyfreak · 19/09/2018 23:24

You reason he did do this not to hurt you, he has acted in a purely selfish way by trying to arrange sex behind your back. Do not ever condone this behaviour regardless of his inner struggle.

You say sex outside is a no no, but here you got a man who is interested in other men. You are a woman, are you going be able to please him in the way he wants? The way he is curious about? You need to be realistic here.

The situation you are in is horrible, no one denying that but it is your choice what happens from now on. I think you should cut your losses, start new with someone else but its up to you.

Vivino · 20/09/2018 03:25

He may not have done this to hurt you, but he did it knowing that it would hurt you. Which means he is either extremely stupid, to think that you wouldn't find out, or selfish enough not to care, or both. I wouldn't stay with a man who demonstrated either of those qualities. He is not a life partner.

This is a huge shock for you, and I really feel for you. One thing that helped me when I left my awful ex (and I stayed for a lot longer than I should because I loved him) was realising that it would hurt either way.

It will hurt to leave him - you have been together for four years, you love him, your lives are closely entwined. But it will also hurt to stay. You said you "wish it was as simple as walking away and forgetting on the spot." I think you know it'll eat away at you. You'll become paranoid, you'll want to check his phone constantly, you'll feel uneasy watching him chatting to other men. It will just be a slow drip of pain, rather than the shock of a breakup.

It might be best for him if you stay - he gets to keep his secret, he gets all the love and support you give him - but it isn't what's best for you. And I really hope you can put yourself first. It's not about punishing him, it's just you loving yourself enough to prioritise your own mental wellbeing. Best of luck Flowers

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