My partner is too close to his neice

[Libra27]

Hello need some advice on what to do as it's a difficult situation with family. Basically my partner is very close with his family which I have always liked and have also got along very well with. However in the last two years I've noticed my partner dotes on his sisters daughter (neice) more than he does his other neice. I've noticed this even with my own daughter which is his step daughter. A few examples is how he always seems happier when he sees her and finds everying she does hilarious (even when she's being naughty) always wanting to play with her like play fighting, hugging,teasing than he does even with my little girl which I find upsetting, especially as there close in age.

Also just to add he is alot more strict with his other neice and my daughter and less tolerable, which I find odd as the neice he idolises is in my opinion the naughtiest and most spoilt, so it frustrates me when he just laughs off her bad behaviour but won't treat the others the same. If we have a family day out just us three he wants to invite his sister and neice with us and calls me jealous if I want it just to be us three or says my daughter will be bored?.

An example of how close he is to his family shows through the fact we have never been on a family holiday together just us three, it's always been with his family.

I've mentioned this to him before how I find his behaviour unfair to the girls as they should be treated equally, I have even suggested he has a favourite neice but it either ends in an argument where I "hate" her or I'm "jealous".

Someone please either tell me I'm insane or confirm that I'm not as it's driving me crazy.

Btw on holiday when we finally had a day to ourselves I wanted to go on a paddle boat to which my partner said he didn't want to as he knew he'd be left paddling the whole way ... Lo and behold he went out with his sister and neice the very next day and went on one 😂😂😂 very immature thing to moan about I know but it's not about the paddle boat it's the principle 🤦🤦

What do I do ladies? Work on this or leave?

Thankyou xx

Yeah your right about the last part , I do comment on her naughty behaviour just because it's different rules for each child, so my daughter and other neice are held to a higher standard than the youngest , which is frustrating ..maybe I need to just take a step backxx

Sorry they are cousins, my partner has two sisters who each have a little girl xx

I thought that must be the case. What does his other sister feel about things? After all it's her daughter who seems to be being scapegoated by her own family.
The comment about Grandparents not having older niece round sounded horrible

Could you make arrangements for your dd to spend time with the older niece, simply on the basis that they’re closer in age? It might be nice for them to have a closer bond if the younger niece is so obviously favoured

I haven't spoken to her as I don't want to rock the boat but there's definitely tension between them as she got a flight home after a big argument on holiday and she did say some stuff about her sister being the spoilt one and always getting her way. Yeah I was in shock over that comment as it turns the arguments onto one child which is never fair

That's a good idea, I have tried this previously but then they moan and say there leaving the youngest out so it's difficult to do anything xx

Who moan?
It sounds like the other sister was the scapegoat in dp's family and that's passed on to her daughter which is really sad.
Do you all live reasonably close to each other?

And do you actually get on with either sister?

I get on with both the sisters really well, when it's out of that toxic dynamic. But when we're all together I do agree with what the older sibling says as both the sister and neice are held on a pedestal.i just don't know if I can be with someone with a family so drama filled, it's draining . I guess I struggle so much because my family are so different, as in we would never speak to each other in the way that they do xx

We all live within 15 minutes of each other 😒

The family sound like a cast of thousands - is it just the sis s , DP and their DM?

Libra I'm sorry you experienced abuse in your childhood (think it was sexual) apologies if I have that wrong. I think the important thing is that you can't tolerate thinking of abuse because it stirs up all sorts of things for you. Can I ask if you have had therapy to try to deal with your past which is essential really.

I'm not "screaming abuse" but I am a retired social worker (30 years in Children's Services) and I have seen many situations which at first glance seemed to be above board. Some social workers saw sexual abuse crawling out of the woodwork and their interpretations of a child's drawing were often ludicrous. Having said that I don't think this r/ship with the 5 year old is healthy - it's not appropriate especially as your DD and the other niece are close in age. But I think he may be grooming the child and men can and do like little girls and that can progress of course. It's isn't natural which ever way you look at it - sorry if you think I'm on the wrong track (and I may well be) but I have seen many situations and an adult male play fighting with a 5 year old who is not his own child is suspect, as is you DH getting annoyed when you mention it and calling you jealous.

A few people have mentioned grooming, but what do I do next ? Do I confront him , try prove it or just leave him? As there is no concrete proof and I could be wrong xx

Is this niece's father absent from her life? Is her mum struggling one way or the other? Maybe he wants to compensate the absence of the father and helps/protects both his sister and niece ...

this sounds like it will have an bad effect on your DD as things go forward even if shes not aware now (and she probably is even if cant verbalise it) .....you dont't really need any more reason than that surely?
all teh family drama does also sound too much.....but its teh damage its going to do to your dd shoudl be the drievr here - he is not good for her
(or you if he'd rather spend his time with them )

With the grooming you would need to keep an eye on his behaviour, perhaps catch the DSis eye if you do feel suspicious. The DSis, mother of Dd5 would be who had to deal with it. But very difficult for you to do or say anything without being accused of being jealous.
That is what I would do but am not an expert.

Thing is I've seen a few stuff which I'm not comfortable with like he's constantly grabbing her and throwing her around, for her birthday he was on the trampoline with her and I saw him literally lay on her with her hands above her head which I thought looked weird but No1 else seemed bothered so I told myself I was being paranoid because of my past. And I was once at his mum's and she ran past and he pulled her trousers down? But everyone laughed 🤷 And when she was over ours for a sleepover recently on holiday she decided to get naked (which I disagree with, over a certain age kids should learn boundaries and about privacy) but her family don't care and he did nothing or said nothing to her, in the end I had to explain to her about privacy and made her get dressed without a word from him. He also loitered near the toilet when she went with the door open for no reasons whatsoever looking in. Am I reading too much into things here?

he was on the trampoline with her and I saw him literally lay on her with her hands above her head

The above behaviour you describe here, and him loitering by the toilet and pulling her trousers down seems very strange and grooming behaviour.

Why would a grown man need to pin down a five year old and restrain her hands above her head? This is just not right.

Was the reason you were defensive about it earlier possibly because deep down you know you've seen these type of behaviours but didn't want to face up to it?

This is not right.

Yeah it seems odd reading it but from my point of view, this has all been done in front of family members who haven't even bat an eyelid so I then question myself as surely other people would notice? It's so difficult. And even if I am right and seeing something what do I do?

I read a thread recently where groomers and abusers are capable of carrying out these vile practices in full view of others.

I myself experienced this with my dad's brother whilst being looked after with my maternal grandma. It triggered this memory following the thread, she wrenched me off his knee and threw him out of her house. He had accompanied my dad to visit. My mum was in hospital having my baby brother. This was in 1962. It caused a huge rift between the 2 sets of relatives. My gran was labelled as 'off her head'.

Grooming very often is done in front of the parents to make it seem normal. He may have done these behaviours bit by bit to establish a behaviour that's accepted by them now.

'Groomers may try to gain the trust of a whole family to allow them to be left alone with a child and if they work with children they may use similar tactics with their colleagues.'
This is from the NSPCC website.

I don't know what you should do really. Maybe someone will have better advise as to what to do now. At least one poster was a social worker, so perhaps could offer some advise.

This behaviour though, it doesn't seem right to me. A grown man pinning a five year old down with his body and holding her arms up to me is quite disturbing to me.

OP, why on earth are you still with him if you think he's capable of grooming a 5yo?

Well this has taken a different turn. I really can’t understand why your initial posts were about favouritism if he’s been behaving like this. This is not favouritism, this is weird. I wouldn’t want my daughter near a grown man who hangs around toilets when little girls are in them and who pulls down a 5yr olds trousers. This isn’t funny or cute, or favouritism, this is disturbing.

Angel well said. OP i now agree with others he is grooming the little one and it looks as if the little one might have been groomed in the past . (Where is her dad? ) Anyway report him and all the behaviors above to SS and LTB- you might need some therapy or a good talk with a RL friend yourself. Good Luck