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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is too close to his neice

164 replies

Libra27 · 19/09/2018 12:38

Hello need some advice on what to do as it's a difficult situation with family. Basically my partner is very close with his family which I have always liked and have also got along very well with. However in the last two years I've noticed my partner dotes on his sisters daughter (neice) more than he does his other neice. I've noticed this even with my own daughter which is his step daughter. A few examples is how he always seems happier when he sees her and finds everying she does hilarious (even when she's being naughty) always wanting to play with her like play fighting, hugging,teasing than he does even with my little girl which I find upsetting, especially as there close in age.

Also just to add he is alot more strict with his other neice and my daughter and less tolerable, which I find odd as the neice he idolises is in my opinion the naughtiest and most spoilt, so it frustrates me when he just laughs off her bad behaviour but won't treat the others the same. If we have a family day out just us three he wants to invite his sister and neice with us and calls me jealous if I want it just to be us three or says my daughter will be bored?.

An example of how close he is to his family shows through the fact we have never been on a family holiday together just us three, it's always been with his family.

I've mentioned this to him before how I find his behaviour unfair to the girls as they should be treated equally, I have even suggested he has a favourite neice but it either ends in an argument where I "hate" her or I'm "jealous".

Someone please either tell me I'm insane or confirm that I'm not as it's driving me crazy.

Btw on holiday when we finally had a day to ourselves I wanted to go on a paddle boat to which my partner said he didn't want to as he knew he'd be left paddling the whole way ... Lo and behold he went out with his sister and neice the very next day and went on one 😂😂😂 very immature thing to moan about I know but it's not about the paddle boat it's the principle 🤦🤦

What do I do ladies? Work on this or leave?

OP posts:
Original poster
Libra27 · 19/09/2018 15:34

I take on board everything your advicing apart from the "shagging him to five years doesn't make him a step dad" part. Very insensitive and even if by law he isn't a step dad my daughter does have a bond with him x

OP posts:
Original poster
Libra27 · 19/09/2018 15:35

Ah well least she is understanding of people's feelings even if the guy wasn't xx

OP posts:
Yoksha · 19/09/2018 16:01

I grew up in a large close extended family through the 50's, 60's & 70's. 14 cousins. Regular contact & socialising growing up. One female was the golden child through 3 generations. Was always aware of it. An aunt & uncle who were childless died recently quite close together. This cousin inherited the entire estate. Quite an amount. Never thought about favouritism till reading this thread. But just realised that's what it was. Do I really care? Do I f**k as like. This was on my mother's side. I've just remembered. My dad's older brother fell out with his only son. He changed his will and left everything to our 2 female cousins. Even a ski-lodge. I'm too bamboozled to care. My brain is hurting.

OP, do what you need to for your own mental health. That's what's important just now. It will affect your daughter further down the road. Then again, maybe she'll be aware of it, but like me it didn't define her as a person or her place in the family growing up. I just got on with making my own way in life. Quite empowering to realise this now.

bethy15 · 19/09/2018 16:10

When I was younger, this dynamic happened with my cousin and my Aunt and Uncle.

It did cause friction, mostly on my mother ends, not me, I didn't care for them much. But there was some awful things they did, like when me and my cousin were out and uncle was going to buy us sweets, then he said, oh don't bother, I'll be round your (my cousin) house later, I can treat you then, leaving me out. They'd take her out on trips everywhere, never include me, which was deliberate as we were close cousins.
They'd have her for sleep overs and had a room for her.

I always felt, even as a child, it was very strange, and it turns out, it was. There was something awful going on there.

Why is he wrestling with her like this if he doesn't do it with the others?

I don't know, I find it odd. He seems infatuated with her, especially if he won't do something with you, but will do it with her to make her happy.

Original poster
Libra27 · 19/09/2018 16:15

I'm sorry you went through that, how awful 😔
She is the youngest and the most boisterous so this could be why , I don't want to look too much into it but I agree with the part where he can't do enough to make her happy.

OP posts:
bethy15 · 19/09/2018 16:53

I really wish people would stop suggesting grooming/ abuse I respect your advice and opinion but it's so upsetting xxx

Can I ask why you react like this? You don't want to hear it and find it so upsetting?

It's just, it doesn't do to bury your head in the sand to these things, and your reaction reminds me of people who get upset when they are told things that could be true.

As other posters have said, is there anything else there? The fact when you've mentioned it he deflects into an attack of you isn't a great sign tbh. A healthy relationship with his niece wouldn't worry him if you questioned it.

Original poster
Libra27 · 19/09/2018 17:02

I've suffered abuse as a child, so I'm always aware to try not project that onto other people as I'm very hyper vigilant and wary of everyone. So when People suggest abuse im not in denial or burying my head in the sand, it's just opening up a can of worms.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 19/09/2018 17:08

Is your relationship good? Is this a sign that actually he's not that into you?

shapeshifter88 · 19/09/2018 17:11

I have a sd and niece and feel much stronger bond to the niece as she is blood relative and looks like me etc. he probably can't help it and just feels he loves her more. sounds awful but happens a lot

bethy15 · 19/09/2018 17:55

I've suffered abuse as a child, so I'm always aware to try not project that onto other people as I'm very hyper vigilant and wary of everyone. So when People suggest abuse im not in denial or burying my head in the sand, it's just opening up a can of worms.

I'm sorry you had to experience that.

It's understandable. But then you know it can happen to anyone and it's not uncommon, and in another post you said you did worry it could be like that.

Only you can see what's going on, but certain things about it are red flags, especially how he flipped it onto you when you dared to mention it.

auntyflonono · 19/09/2018 18:10

This:

As other posters have said, is there anything else there? The fact when you've mentioned it he deflects into an attack of you isn't a great sign tbh. A healthy relationship with his niece wouldn't worry him if you questioned it.

Also, and really importantly, when you try to talk to him about it he shifts the blame to you and your 'jealousy'. A more normal response would be to be worried about hurting the other niece and your dd's feelings! He won't talk properly about it, he deflects. I wouldn't wan't to be with someone who was manipulative like that.

Bluntness100 · 19/09/2018 20:48

I don't understand this, you state this is about the little girl not your relationship problems before stating in the next breath it's about your relationship.

Is the mother upset? If the mother isn't upset, he's not upset, none of the family is upset then why are you? Is it you're the only person who sees it and it's down to your envy?

Original poster
Libra27 · 19/09/2018 22:16

If your looking for a retaliation, your not going to get one off me. This is a complicated subject and I know you find it hard to grasp but life is not black and white. I have stated more than once this may well be just my insecurities. So please if you do not have anything constructive to say apart from say continuously that I envy a five year old girl, then please go away... To put it bluntly .

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/09/2018 22:29

Has his sister not mentioned anything about the favouritism?

Original poster
Libra27 · 19/09/2018 22:38

@sandy she hasn't mentioned my partner does it in particular but she always says she is spoilt and it needs to stop as she's becoming a "brat" her words xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2018 23:59

Bluntness there is everything wrong with this dynamic. A partner who will not talk to op like a proper adult, without getting angry and defensive. Sounds very suspect. Also partner never goes on holiday with just op, and no desire to. He seems very unusually close to the niece, even rejecting a family day out with op, to spend more time with the niece, that is concerning. As well as rejecting the other girls in the family, to spend more time with the niece. If I were nieces mother, I would keep a close eye on that. No it is not the nieces fault, it is op partner that is the problem.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2018 00:01

Why is he so infatuated about this girl, yes it does sound like he is infatuated with her, not a normal Uncle and Niece relationship. If I were her mum, I would be very concerned. I would not allow them alone together.

BumDisease · 20/09/2018 00:02

This sounds EXACTLY like my ex boyfriend. Emphasis on the ex.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2018 00:05

I agree, I would dump his ass op.

SVRT19674 · 20/09/2018 04:08

Blood is thicker than water! Your daughter has her own parents and family to dote on her. If you were to separate tomorrow you would take her seat without a backward glance as she is just his partner's daughter. It's a pity he shows his favouritism with respect of his other niece, he should avoid that. She might be his favourite bevause she reminds him of the tribe, of himself or his beloved sister. My favourite of my little cousins was the youngest and the naughtiest, I doted on him. My uncle's favourite was one of my other cousins, so live with it. Yes you reek of jealousy, sorry.

Angelf1sh · 20/09/2018 04:44

I haven’t RTFT but Lots of people have favourites, especially if they aren’t their kids and you don’t have to even pretend you like them equally. If you’re not a big fan of children generally, your favourite is often the youngest and I wonder if that’s what’s happening here? Perhaps she hasn’t yet reached the age where he loses interest.

I do think you sound a bit jealous in your post but I also think he sounds like he’s a bit unreasonable. I don’t think there’s any reason why he should love your daughter more than his niece, your daughter is your family not his (if I’ve read it wrong and shes HIS daughter too then I apologise), but he shouldn’t be responding to you in the was he is. I don’t think your relationship has legs tbh, I think I’d cut my losses. I wouldn’t want to date someone who couldn’t ever do anything without his siblings around too.

RainySeptember · 20/09/2018 05:49

She's the youngest, he's known her since birth and she and her mum lived in the same house as him at the time of her birth - all explanations for the close bond surely?

And favouring her over your dd in social situations is probably just because he sees your dd every day, so when he does get to see his niece he dotes on her.

It is a shame for his older niece. He obviously didn't live with her when she was a baby and hasn't developed such a close bond. I think I'd focus on asking him to make it less obvious rather than aiming criticism at a 5yo (which I assume you do since he refers to you hating her).

HesterMacaulay · 20/09/2018 06:18

For what it's worth Libra27 I don't think you sound jealous.
Forgive me if I've missed where you explained, but are the nieces sisters ? I'm not clear about the wider family dynamics.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2018 07:49

I don't think Libra sounds jealous, more concerned about her dh obsession with his 5 year old niece, to the point he foregoes time with her, to spend it with niece. He seems to want to spend a lot of his time with this young child.

Original poster
Libra27 · 20/09/2018 09:34

Thankyou! Someone who gets it xx I don't think people understand what I'm trying to put across. I'm not jealous of a five year old getting affection off her uncle, and I don't expect him to have a closer bond with my daughter or "like" her more, I just find the obviousness about it which I think it's unfair ... But apparently I'm just jealous which sounds exactly like my partner 🤨🤦

OP posts:
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