My partner is too close to his neice

[Libra27]

Hello need some advice on what to do as it's a difficult situation with family. Basically my partner is very close with his family which I have always liked and have also got along very well with. However in the last two years I've noticed my partner dotes on his sisters daughter (neice) more than he does his other neice. I've noticed this even with my own daughter which is his step daughter. A few examples is how he always seems happier when he sees her and finds everying she does hilarious (even when she's being naughty) always wanting to play with her like play fighting, hugging,teasing than he does even with my little girl which I find upsetting, especially as there close in age.

Also just to add he is alot more strict with his other neice and my daughter and less tolerable, which I find odd as the neice he idolises is in my opinion the naughtiest and most spoilt, so it frustrates me when he just laughs off her bad behaviour but won't treat the others the same. If we have a family day out just us three he wants to invite his sister and neice with us and calls me jealous if I want it just to be us three or says my daughter will be bored?.

An example of how close he is to his family shows through the fact we have never been on a family holiday together just us three, it's always been with his family.

I've mentioned this to him before how I find his behaviour unfair to the girls as they should be treated equally, I have even suggested he has a favourite neice but it either ends in an argument where I "hate" her or I'm "jealous".

Someone please either tell me I'm insane or confirm that I'm not as it's driving me crazy.

Btw on holiday when we finally had a day to ourselves I wanted to go on a paddle boat to which my partner said he didn't want to as he knew he'd be left paddling the whole way ... Lo and behold he went out with his sister and neice the very next day and went on one 😂😂😂 very immature thing to moan about I know but it's not about the paddle boat it's the principle 🤦🤦

What do I do ladies? Work on this or leave?

So are the 2 nieces sisters or children of different siblings? I feel so bad for the other niece if they are sisters, especially if the rest of the family also favour the younger niece . Is there any reason for it? Does favoured niece look like a family member or is she particularly 'cute'? Not that it excuses it obviously, it's just interesting to know what where this is coming from.

I would be inclined to be upfront and say 'obviously I'm not jealous, that's ridiculous. She is a lovely girl and I enjoy spending time with her occasionally, but it's blatant that she is favoured over her sister/cousin and my daughter and that's just unfair on the other two girls. I also want to spend time as a family unit, just as your sister has her own family unit. Please stop implying I'm jealous'.

Or something along those lines.

Usernamed I was previously in an abusive relationship, and I honestly do not think this is happening but I will read up on this thanks :) maybe your right and I am jealous and need to vent 😟

When I was younger (about your daughters age) it was very clear to everyone that I was his least favourite of all his nieces/nephews - to the point where anytime I spent any time with him I used to come home crying to my parents! It was very damaging to me at that age and although it hasn't really followed me into adulthood, I remember how sad I was when I was little. So I can completely understand how your daughter/other niece must be feeling about this situation. If it's causing an issue, and he's not listening to your point of view than that is a red flag in my opinion. Try one more time to have a civil discussion about it, and if he still views your feelings as invalid then the relationship isn't worth it in my opinion

Missing summer she is a little cutie and I hate when I feel resentful of her as essentially it's her family's fault for spoiling and favouring her. I have tried to word it like that with him and he does understand when shouting isn't involved ..however I do feel afterwards that I Shouldn't have to ask my partner to spend more time with us he should WANT to. So I'm left feeling even more low

LTB

So the niece is his sisters daughter. Where is Aher Dad?

Who are the parents to the other child?

Does your daughter see her own Dad?

I find this a little bit worrying, as well. For a man to favour a little girl this blatantly is sometimes an indication that there is something inappropriate and unhealthy going on. You mentioning that the favoured niece is the 'naughtiest' among the little girls is slightly more worrying: a child who is being groomed may sometimes act out.
It may be that your partner is 'simply' a manipulative bully who likes having everyone dance to his tune and enjoys making the other children - and you - feel hurt or ashamed if you complain. Or it might be something more potentially damaging.

An adult man playfighting with a 5 year old girl doesn't seem appropriate to me.

Its not unusual in families for an aunt/uncle to have a favourite it drives me bonkers that my inlaws favour dd over ds. My sister does it as well but its easier to point it out to her.
Dd is delightful but so is Ds just differently
You don't say how long you've been together but I'd say he isn't your DDs father figure her father is, and he probably doesn't want to get too close to her until he knows where her dad stands and where you two are heading long term as well as being sure she accepts him. Step kids don't always welcome the new partner with open arms

I wondered how long it would take for someone to scream abuse

God forbid a man is actually close to his niece.

You sound jealous, whether that is justified we can't tell from one post about paddle boarding, but either way it doesn't sound like you two are compatible.

I don't like the fact that he is accusing you of "hating" the niece or being "jealous" of her. That's a way of making you feel ashamed of perfectly natural feelings on your behalf that he should not show favouritism to your niece in front of your daughter. He's trying to insinuate that it's you in the wrong, and not him. In response to your concerns, a good partner would go to lengths to make sure that he was treating all girls equally . What is he like with your daughter when the niece is not there? Is he a good partner
to you generally ?

Sleeping standing up- yeah it's his sister's daughter, she does see her dad regularly and my daughter also sees her dad regularly. I've been with my partner for five years and I don't get why you would say I'm jealous as I sometimes feel completely stupid for feeling resentful as it's not like me at all but I also can't say I feel this way for nothing.

It could be abuse. He could also just be closer to her more be a use he's close to his sister.

Is a Dad playfighting and cuddling a 5 yo girl worrying? So why not a close and favourite uncle? Is it only worrying if its an Uncle / Girl or should I worry about DH playfighting with DS or indeed me doing it?

Libra27 I didn't say you were jealous!

Growing up in a large extended family I was very close to my uncle and his wife. He favoured me as he was close to my mum. They fell out then he favoured one of my cousins. It’s not fair but it was nothing more sinister than that.

My main concern is that you spend little family time together. I had this with xh (in 25 years years we had 5 holidays together - the rest was at his family’s place), and it’s one of the many reasons our marriage failed.

Agree accusing you of being 'jealous' or 'hating' his niece is effectively shutting you up complaining.

If he's not like this with his other niece (is that the child of another sibling?), then it's not about him being close to his family. There's something else going on here, and there's not one possible explaination why he'd be favouring just one of his two nieces over the other niece and step-daughter.

There's lots of possible explainations, but all are just different levels of 'this is not a good person'.

I'm definitely not trying to accuse him or trying to scare you but sometimes this type of behaviour are red flags for (sexual) abuse.
It's quite common for one child to be targeted but not others and because of that it's hard to see also the vast majority of people are close to the children or relatives.

Are there any other things going on that worry you. Does he get to spend time alone with her or does he construct scenarios where he gets to take her out or babysit or gets pushy if an offer gets turned down etc?

Has she shown any behaviour that might indicate anything odd like having knowledge above her age or sexual behaviour. Or mood swings/naughty or acting out behaviours especially following time spent with him?

None of this might be at all relevant but it could be so it's important to mention it.

I basically he has always had a lot of involvement with this child, more so than his other niece and has known her since birth unlike your daughter. Is it really that surprising that he is closer to her? You don't really expect him to put your insecurities before his love for a child he has watched grow up? I feel like there is more to this than just his doting in his neice. Are pissed off that he doesnt see your dd as his own?

It's not "screaming abuse". This sort of thing can be symptomatic of abuse tho.

His reaction to being told he's favouring one child is to invoke "jealousy" - that's a leap and strange in context.

I must admit I have 3 niece's and 2 nephew and love them all but did have a favourite niece. The reason is she is very like me in temperament and interests so I do tend to spend a bit more time with her.( I teach her art and am involed in her drama classes)
I always brushed it aside when my ex pointed it out as never wanted to admit I was being unfair but my oldest niece commented to her friend that middle niece is my favourite and it made me feel awful. It sounds as though he has a bond with the youngest possibly as they are alike but like me he may be defensive as doesnt want to admit he is being unfair. I understand this being hurtful to you but if you plant the seeds he will see it for himself and make it right. I really don't think there is abuse or anything, that's a bit of a leap imo x

Yeah your right in a sense I don't expect him to put my insecurities (if that's all there are) above his niece , I just hate feeling like this it's not like me

Sorry I didn't mean you I was replying to another xx

I can see why it would come across as jealousy ... But that's because he doesn't see is how I do and that's because his whole family have the same mentality xx

Yeah I agree most of our arguements surround his family and I do try really hard go to every family event

You say the whole family favour the niece which makes it slightly less worrying in an abusive way. Is there an excuse for it? (Excuse, not reason before anyone jumps on me!) - is her father around? Did his sister have any issues when she was pregnant?

Where did your DH live before he lived with you? My brother is much closer to my children than my sisters because he lived with me when they were little for example.

How is his relationshop with his two sisters? Is he closer to the one whose daughter he favours?