My partner is too close to his neice

[Libra27]

Hello need some advice on what to do as it's a difficult situation with family. Basically my partner is very close with his family which I have always liked and have also got along very well with. However in the last two years I've noticed my partner dotes on his sisters daughter (neice) more than he does his other neice. I've noticed this even with my own daughter which is his step daughter. A few examples is how he always seems happier when he sees her and finds everying she does hilarious (even when she's being naughty) always wanting to play with her like play fighting, hugging,teasing than he does even with my little girl which I find upsetting, especially as there close in age.

Also just to add he is alot more strict with his other neice and my daughter and less tolerable, which I find odd as the neice he idolises is in my opinion the naughtiest and most spoilt, so it frustrates me when he just laughs off her bad behaviour but won't treat the others the same. If we have a family day out just us three he wants to invite his sister and neice with us and calls me jealous if I want it just to be us three or says my daughter will be bored?.

An example of how close he is to his family shows through the fact we have never been on a family holiday together just us three, it's always been with his family.

I've mentioned this to him before how I find his behaviour unfair to the girls as they should be treated equally, I have even suggested he has a favourite neice but it either ends in an argument where I "hate" her or I'm "jealous".

Someone please either tell me I'm insane or confirm that I'm not as it's driving me crazy.

Btw on holiday when we finally had a day to ourselves I wanted to go on a paddle boat to which my partner said he didn't want to as he knew he'd be left paddling the whole way ... Lo and behold he went out with his sister and neice the very next day and went on one 😂😂😂 very immature thing to moan about I know but it's not about the paddle boat it's the principle 🤦🤦

What do I do ladies? Work on this or leave?

An adult man play fighting with a 5 year old doesn’t seem appropriate to me.
Really? I find that odd. Dh and dd used to play fight all the time. Less so these days and she’s 10.

In your position, yes, I’d feel really upset for your dd and for your older niece. You said about it’s his family’s fault the younger niece is favoured. Does that mean it’s a familial thing? Ie the youngest most ressembles character traits highly valued in the family?

Idk if I could remain and see my child getting hurt. She shouldn’t be made to feel less than because she’s not of the character required. Neither should you be made to feel you’re not enough for your partner. It sounds as if he’s getting very offensive to try to control you. It isn’t normal to accuse you of being jealous or hating a child because he’s paying more attention to them than his stepchild in his family unit.

It all sounds a bit immature, which is why I’m wondering if the naughtiness / cheekiness in this little girl is something prized in the family. Not all adults behave strictly as adults.

Is it really that surprising that he is closer to her? You don't really expect him to put your insecurities before his love for a child he has watched grow up?

The OP's child has lived with him for five years. I'd expect a bond to have developed by now, more than with a niece who's seen less often. I wouldn't want my DD to grow up in an atmosphere where another child, who doesn't even live in the house, is the golden child.

Protect your child from being second best. I'd seriously consider leaving.

He's always been very close to his sister which is her daughter so I can see how this.has progressed onto the child .. she is a funny little character but I'm just very set in my ways and think children should be treated equally and fairly and I think I can see it from outside that family circle, whereas they can't xx

This is exactly it, he always says he sees my daughter as his own as he's been there for five years but whenever there's a family event all the attention is on the neice and luckily my daughter isn't in that weird dynamic all the time as she has me but the poor older neice is and is so resentful they can't even sit next to each other at the dinner table or in the car!

Funny you should mention that, on holiday both the sisters argued so bad the older one flew home the next day .. all Infront of the girls so you can see a cycle

I'd ask myself..."If we broke up tomorrow, would he make great efforts to have access to and keep the relationship with my DD, or would he wander off and never give her another thought?" The answer to that would help me come to a decision.

Bless the older niece. That’s so sad for her. You didn’t answer my questions but how you describe it, it is a familial thing. There goes the next generation of fucked up children. It’s not easy to be the golden child either, I’m sure. (I’m the scapegoat btw).

Could you also say something to the older niece. Perhaps whenever you are able, at parties, take the children to one side, (the older niece and your dd) and let them know how precious and special they are. Speaking as someone, who didn’t ever get given unconditional love as a child, I would love someone to have shown this kindness.

When you’ve spoken to your partner about the older niece being so upset about the situation, what does he say?

Well I wouldn't be having kids with this man anytime soon. Given his behaviour chances are he'll favour his own biological child over your DD so if you're wanting more DC I'd be looking to move on. You Dd's still quite young but it won't be long before she notices the favouritism if she hasn't already. I feel sorry for the other niece who obviously has noticed the favouritism.

Id have assumed this was because she was the youngest. There is a quite big difference in maturity between a five year old and a 7/8 year old, even though the ages are closest. I suspect as you've said the whole family do this, they have simply fallen into thr trap of favouring the youngest when they are little. Five year olds need and get more attention than a 7/8 year old.

You need to seperate this from your own relationship issues. This isn't about this little girl. This is about how he treats you and yours. And you see how he behaves with her and resent he doesn't do it with you and your daughter.

You could tell him that you will not to go to family events as you feel that he is treating your niece better than your daughter in front off her. Even if you think your daughter is unaware, she may well be and will definitely start getting more aware of this later on. I think putting your daughter first means not putting her in situations where she is treated less favourably. Seeing one niece being set up as a golden child above another would not be a good thing for your daughter to witness anyway.

One DSis flying home is pretty extreme- get togethers can be strained but this points to pretty bad feelings in the family. Looks like the golden child is being carried into the next generation.
I would hate holidaying with this lot, didnt they feel bad about the sis.

Trust me it's the last time I holiday with them and I did tell them so which they weren't offended by . No they didn't, in fact the sister said she was happy when she left with the older neice. I really had to vote my tongue xx

Your right I have started pulling back as I can't stand to see it anymore

It all sounds a bit toxic - is DP the golden balls in all these females?

He doesn't think this is the reason both the neices don't get on. The oldest always gets the blame by them and called "spiteful" but I've seen the youngest scream for something as little as not sitting in the seat she wants or when she doesn't want to walk more than a metre up the road.

Truthfully, it sounds to me as if you are jealous of the niece, on your daughter's behalf.

Your DP is not your DD's father, and although I'm sure he is fond of her, he does not dote on her as a father would. His niece may be more engaging, funnier, cuter (some children are) so he gives her more attention, which brings home to you that he just sees your DD as his DP's child, and nothing more. Personally, that seems reasonable to me, but if you want something different he might not be the right one.

It's very toxic what does dp stand for ? Sorry new to this

Just giving more attention ismt the main issue though. Regardless of how cute a kid is, you shouldn't treat them differently in regards to discipline and being fair?.

That is awful that the 8 yr old niece is described as spiteful. She reallly needs to be kept away from them.

DP dear partner

however I do feel afterwards that I Shouldn't have to ask my partner to spend more time with us he should WANT to.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here yourself. The paddleboard incident confirms it. He wants to spend more of his time with them, not you. Sorry but you and your daughter are not his priority. And you wom't change that. So you either accept being second best or kick him to the kerb and free yourself to find someone who does put you first.

I know, I've spoke to my partner repeatedly about how they treat the girls different. My mum said she spoke to the parent of my partner of my partner who said they were going to stop having the older neice cos of the constant arguing but didn't mention not having the youngest? X

Ah sorry he is the only male in the family so this could have something to do with it

Thank you for not thinking me immature, I felt so silly moaning about that ! Xx

he just sees your DD as his DP’s child, and nothing more.
Tawdry
I’d say that’s not enough for me. Every child deserves to be loved and cherished. I wouldn’t be with someone, who favoured another child over my own in such an obvious way? It’s ok if the child is an adult to think like this, but not when the partner has known the child since being a toddler.