My partner is too close to his neice

[Libra27]

Hello need some advice on what to do as it's a difficult situation with family. Basically my partner is very close with his family which I have always liked and have also got along very well with. However in the last two years I've noticed my partner dotes on his sisters daughter (neice) more than he does his other neice. I've noticed this even with my own daughter which is his step daughter. A few examples is how he always seems happier when he sees her and finds everying she does hilarious (even when she's being naughty) always wanting to play with her like play fighting, hugging,teasing than he does even with my little girl which I find upsetting, especially as there close in age.

Also just to add he is alot more strict with his other neice and my daughter and less tolerable, which I find odd as the neice he idolises is in my opinion the naughtiest and most spoilt, so it frustrates me when he just laughs off her bad behaviour but won't treat the others the same. If we have a family day out just us three he wants to invite his sister and neice with us and calls me jealous if I want it just to be us three or says my daughter will be bored?.

An example of how close he is to his family shows through the fact we have never been on a family holiday together just us three, it's always been with his family.

I've mentioned this to him before how I find his behaviour unfair to the girls as they should be treated equally, I have even suggested he has a favourite neice but it either ends in an argument where I "hate" her or I'm "jealous".

Someone please either tell me I'm insane or confirm that I'm not as it's driving me crazy.

Btw on holiday when we finally had a day to ourselves I wanted to go on a paddle boat to which my partner said he didn't want to as he knew he'd be left paddling the whole way ... Lo and behold he went out with his sister and neice the very next day and went on one 😂😂😂 very immature thing to moan about I know but it's not about the paddle boat it's the principle 🤦🤦

What do I do ladies? Work on this or leave?

No I think he’s the one being immature.

Think it's because you get it's not the actual paddle board it's the principle behind it which he didnt get as he thinks he doesn't favour them x

I don't think you're jealous of the little girl as such, I do think you're jealous of the way he treats her, you want your child to be treated like that.

And I do think there is a difference between how you discipline a five year old v an eight year old, and there should he a difference in terms of expectations of behaviour. Clearly wrong is wrong, but there is a difference between the two ages.

Ultimately though it's not about this little girl, it's about the fact your unhappy in your relationship. You wish certain things he's not providing.

That's what you need to deal with and stop going on about this child.

Thing is my daughter hasn't picked up on it as she doesn't notice the little things but the older neice does as she's around it all the time and u can tell she is very resentful

I appreciate your advice but I wouldnt say I'm " going on" about anything .. I've sought for advice and people have asked for more details. I know this is more than just about a little girl but at this moment this is what the subject is about x

He calls you jealous of his relationship with a child?
That's not healthy, have you checked the sex register OP?

I really don't think it's anything like that but no I haven't x

I’d say that’s not enough for me. Every child deserves to be loved and cherished. I wouldn’t be with someone, who favoured another child over my own in such an obvious way? It’s ok if the child is an adult to think like this, but not when the partner has known the child since being a toddler.

Totally understand this, but the reality is that if the OP leaves (as she is considering doing) her current DP and her DD will not see each other again, whereas she will continue to see her actual DF. It really is not a secure bond for either of them, and I think his behaviour reflects that.

Taking the niece out of it for a minute what i would be annoyed about is him not priortising your family with him and not wanting to have time with just your own unit ie. the 3 of you

I think this is where all the resentment stems from. Him not seeming interested in our little family unit and more happier when he's with his family more so sister and neice. Feel like I'm in competition which is ridiculous and not what I want xx

He does have a very good bond with my daughter though, if he didnt I wouldn't be upset how it changes when we are with his family so drastically like know other child exists X

I think your gut instinct is right that it is hugely damaging to the little niece’s older sister.

I would say that his refusal to talk civilly to you about your discomfort is not good.
The fact that he gets angry when you bring this up and accuses you of being jealous etc is really not on too.

Could you write him a letter or email about this and phrase it so he can read what your’e worried about without getting defensive and trying to shut you down?

How is he about other things you’ve been unhappy with, where you’ve asked him for change? Does he listen to you. or try and shut down discussion then too?

Him not seeming interested in our little family unit and more happier when he's with his family more so sister and niece.

I agree. Sounds like you are not enough for him. On that basis I would split up.

Sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic, seems like grooming but that's just speculation. I would leave, this is all very unhealthy, and he cannot see that. It is affecting you, and your dd, don't put her through that.

What attachment theory might say is there's something going here in relation to your DP's attachment to his family. Possibly from your DP's own childhood and his attachment to his parents. He (and possibly this sister) have an insecure attachment or possibly had a parental bereavement or some other incident or a death that left him traumatised when he was a kid.
Therefore, he feels the need to keep a strong bond with this sister and the little girl.
Your DP is possibly treating his sister like his Mother and the niece is his little sister. Your DP then resents the older niece because he feels like a brother to them, and has formed an alliance with this younger niece. So there is 'sibling rivalry' type of situation with the older niece. The younger niece might remind your DP of his sister when they were both kids, so he starts acting like her big brother not her uncle.
You may have a hard job coming between them. You have to decide if you can put up with it or not. He could be fine when they aren't around I would imagine.
The reason this problem can get worse over time, is that attachments grow stronger over time and therefore the edges of it only emerge after a relationship has been going for a while.

When I first mentioned it to him a year ago it was on the older neices birthday and I noticed he hardly paid any attention to her and was playing with the youngest and that's when I said you make it obvious you have a favourite.

He didn't respond angrily but also didn't agree but I think as I've seen it more and more and have spoken about it alot he's getting more defensive so I don't know what to do next . A letter is a good idea thanks x

I really wish people would stop suggesting grooming/ abuse I respect your advice and opinion but it's so upsetting xxx

You could be right there , very interesting thanks xxx

Hard pill to swallow but his actions prove it xx

I am making an assumption that part of this could be due to DN not living with her own father, and your DP massively over compensating to the niece for what he may see as a lack of a decent Male role model

Only an alternative view, may well be wrong

The sister was around a lot at his mum's place where he lived when the neice was first born through troubles in her relationship so it could just be theres a strong bond there I dunno. Xxx

This situation happened in my friends family. She had 4 children and her brother made it clear he favoured one. When he died he left 25k to her and nothing to her siblings. Not sure why it happened except she was the most outgoing and gregarious of the 4 and also the most successful career wise. It’s hard though as not her fault she is the favourite

Wow! Family dynamics are so unexplainable. Out of curiousity , did she share the 25k? Xx

he is alot more strict with his other neice and my daughter and less tolerable....if we have a family day out just us three he wants to invite his sister and neice with us and calls me jealous if I want it just to be us three.....we have never been on a family holiday together just us three, it's always been with his family....I wanted to go on a paddle boat to which my partner said he didn't want to as he knew he'd be left paddling the whole way ... Lo and behold he went out with his sister and niece the very next day and went on one

why are you still with a man who keeps showing you through his ACTIONS that he doesn't value you, respect you or even care for you the way a loving and loyal partner should?

I've noticed this even with my own daughter which is his step daughter
Really? 5 years of shagging you doesn't make him a stepdad-unless you're married.

he always says he sees my daughter as his own
Bullshit words-his ACTIONS prove otherwise!
he doesn't even want to spend any quality time alone with you three as a family!

instead of begging him for attention and accepting the scraps he throws at you, why not take a break and get some professional help to see why you keep choosing abusive arseholes as partners?
also, work on building your self esteem - no way would i stay 5 months with a guy who refused to do things with 'just us', let alone 5 years.

Although she didn’t share the 25k. She bought a car and shared it with her siblings. She works in the city so uses public transport herself so they benefitted. The remaining 15k she lent to her dad who will pay it back.