Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

It’s all I’ve known. It’s not that I wanted to be near it, I just fell into the trap of: they’re my family, that’s what families do. I know it
Doesn’t make it right.

They’re very religious too. The minister is a good man (my father senior in church)- I’ve often thought about talking to the minister, but I’m not sure if it’s wise.

I’ve often thought about talking to the minister, but I’m not sure if it’s wise

I think you're right to be unsure - doesn't it make sense at this time to look to those who you can be sure will support only you?

The minister may well be a decent type, but isn't there a chance that, though he may seem it while the lid's been kept on all this, he might take a different view if one of his "seniors" is challenged?

BTW what time will your lovely sounding friend be with you?

missdemeanour I really hope that you will be able to take the outpouring of support and agreement you have had on this thread as affirmation that your feelings about your parents are right and that the problem isn't you. It will take time to disentangle yourself from them and from all the poison they have poured into your head, and you will probably need help to do it, but you will. And then the world will be your oyster.

They sound terrifying.

The thing is that if you don't report this formally now, while you can (as you have bruises etc) then they will use that to say that they did nothing.

As it is, you had a lovely police officer who clearly thought they were abusive - she will be speaking on your behalf in court.

You know you can't go on holiday with them. You really shouldn't see them again - they are horrifyingly abusive - but I think you'll need help with a therapist to make that happen.

Have you heard of flying monkeys? Look it up if not - your brother is about to become one.

Didn't want to read and run, I'm going for massive hugs. You are so brave, and a better person that them, this is not your fault - you deserve soooo much better than them, they have let you down again & again. Their behaviour is so not normal. How they treat you is wrong, wrong, wrong.

This is your dawn, your awakening, it's going to be tough road, but your life will be so much better once you are out the other end. Well done on looking at counselling, you are doing the right thing. And please never ever let those monsters into your life again, you are worth so much more, you are intelligent, kind, thoughtful and human.

I could absolutely not read this and run. This is one of the most classic cases of narcissistic abuse (let's call them Ns) that I have witnessed here.

I don't want to read and run because of the obvious but because I need to warn you, OP, you are now in a very precarious situation.

Ns are split into roughly two 'camps'. Actually, there are three but that would be unhelpful at this point to 'muddy the waters.'

I am assuming that since the incident, you have had no contact with either parent? You see, Ns are either 'evolved' or 'unevolved'. It's that simple. Reading your responses OP, it appears on the face of it you are dealing with not one but two unevolved Ns. Actually three. But let's come back to your brother...

The first thing, I would say, is that for your entire life, you have been subject to manipulations. These will be in the form of 'The Hoovers' or the 'Power Plays'. Neither of these many manips. from either of your parents, are conscious decisions; that what they are doing is morally and ethically and utterly wrong and so clearly in light of the above, criminal.

They will be, I guarantee you even now, be justifying the events to each other. This is what makes the situation so precarious.

Before I go on I want to say that;

THIS is NOT your fault.

You are an Empath.

This is incredibly important thing for you to grasp right now. Hold tight to this.

The reason that this situation is so precarious is that right now, you will be painted 'black' in their eyes. It will not always be so. At some point, the Initial Grand Hoover will be applied to you to suck you back in. And you are going to need to be strong, OP.

Expect words such as;

'We all made mistakes'

'Let's just put it behind us and carry on. Happily families, right?'

'Your father/mother is very stressed right now. Can you not see this?'

'We need you to help us!'

'Oh your brother has been giving us such hell, you would not believe it.'

'I'm sorry but your behaviour WAS provoking. Surely you must realise this?' (You'll get THIS one from mum)

It will come within the next few days as well. That is why this situation is so precarious. You have done the right thing. You got out. Now you need to stay out. (GOSO)

I recommend the following;

Put the Police to one side, for now. You can come back to this in the following weeks.

Immediately (do it NOW!), change your mobile phone and landline number. Say you are being stalked. They'll do it for free. Be careful who you give these new numbers to. Remove the voicemail function on your phone as well. Set it to reject all private numbers. Block both of your parents numbers AND bro's too.

Shove their email addies in the spam folder. Do NOT look at the spam folder.

Immediately come off all social media or use special accounts as you are doing now.

Perform a complete rebuild on your phone and whilst you are at it; change all your passwords. On everything important to you. Write them down in a separate book and keep THAT book at work.

Change your WEP on your router AND the password on the 192 page that your router accesses. I can tell you how to do this. It's very simple.

Might be worthwhile considering changing your locks.

Be extremely careful about who you tell about what you are about to do. This is how a full No Contact will be successful.

Finally, if either one of these three people call at your door, immediately call the police and do it without hesitation. Do not engage with these people in any way. Call 999. At once. Out of them all, your F is especially dangerous but the other two are as well.

Ok, so what actually happened that night?

You were all have a nice time so chances are, at that point you were 'white'. Then, you ignited the fury in HIM (which is ever present and just bubbling underneath the surface.) In his eyes, you criticised him by disagreeing with a point which, I am sure, that you thought nothing at all of. Now you are 'black'. He lashed out. Then your M rocks in. Seeing her chance, she aides and abets your F. But why?

It's extremely simple; its Narcissistic Supply or what might be better termed as 'Fuel'. (Or even energy).

You, had by your comments, wounded your F. You did it utterly unintentionally. But the result was catastrophic. Your M ripping your jumper and throwing wine over you. She's unleashing her fury (also everpresent) and also gaining fuel. They are now working as a team.

Your F, pinning you against the wall and saying what he did? He gained fuel by your reactions and exerted power and therefore control over you. You must have been out of your mind with terror. This would have given him the feeling of great power plus he was gaining fuel from you. You would have been gushing HUGE amounts of energy which would have given him (and her by proximity) a feeling of amazing power and control and of course fuel.

You are absolutely correct OP that THIS is about control. Now here is the real truth.

I am so sorry to say that you were not loved by both your parents. But that does NOT mean you are unlovable. Far from it. Hold this fast. This is NOT about you. it's because you are viewed as an 'appliance'. You are owned by them in their eyes and moreover they see you as extensions of themselves. It's horrific. It's disgusting. it's immoral.

Ns are not capable of loving. Not in the way the Es do. For an E to be an E they need to posses the twin pillars of Empathy. Cognitive and Affective. Cognitive will be there in the more, say high functioning ones (but still unevolved). They know what to say in the right circumstances but are not actually feeling what the other person is who has been wounded. This is why you'll get the 'softer', more reasonable response from your M.

A final word of warning, who is this friend? Has THIS friend got any connections that you can perceive AT ALL between your parents and them? If so, do not speak of what you are about to do. They will be (very probably) a Lieutenant of your family, who, I imagine have been seeking to isolate you from others' for many years now.

Yes, this is big. Yes, this is scary. I do not know you OP but I am here to help as you have suffered enough and now it's time to see how deep the rabbit hole go's.

But I can see within you OP a great strength of character. Your life has been a sad one. I'm truly sorry. However... your new life starts right now. Today.

A very useful appliance is about to go offline and they will fight for you. Because it always has been ever thus.

Feel free to PM me at any time my lovely.

And

Going NC can feel terrifying. That's why I suggest thinking of it in terms of today, tomorrow and the rest of the week. This gives you a break from decision making at a highly emotional time.

In a week or so you can revisit the NC status, coming back here for support if you're wavering.

Little steps.

I disagree that NC is like bereavement. Having experienced both I suggest that NC is infinitely more challenging.

Bereavement is widely understood and accepted, NC takes enormous courage and you will need to pick your friends carefully.

They were using their faith (not shared) to call me nasty biblical things as well. It sticks with me.

Your parents are dreadfully abusive due to an abusive religion they fell into.

You need de-programming from your upbringing.

They are obviously punishing you for daring to leave the brainwashing. That already shows your strength. Please hold onto that and seek help to deal with this.

picklepost I agree. A full, no holds barred NC is utterly terrifying because you are become split in your thinking. You know that you need to Get Out, Stay Out. You cognitively realise that the environment has got far too fucking hot. And dangerous. But yet, you are drawn back because, it's your parents right?

I can assure you, that for a N, NC will push them immediately into what is known as a 'fuel crisis' unless they can find another appliance to draw upon. They will. It will be very quick too judging by the parents' lack of self control.

It requires tremendous strength of character from the E (and energy). The good news is that the Hoover (Initial Grand Hoover) will be of a shortish duration. Maybe say, two weeks judging by the OP's own words in aspect to her parents' actions. Weather the storm OP. Batten down the hatches.

I am undergoing a Hoover from my ex. This one IS evolved though. It's utterly fascinating to watch. The OP isn't there yet and she is in the middle of crisis. Simultaneously processing the assault on her person. Coming to grips with who she is and what her childhood was whilst also feeling isolated AND dealing with pressures at work.

I think she has just become my superhero TBH!

Great post Renarde - you have great understanding of this. OP - these people are toxic - it will always be your fault - they are abusive and I’m imagining they are sat round a witches cauldron today!! - I would press charges - it will warn them off - you will be the enemy but you have always been that - the scapegoat. God - your mother works in mental health - and they go to church - I really don’t know how people can stand before God and justify abuse. They bloody hypocrites - you brother sadly will side with them. It’s really hard - but no contact it best. You do need to read up on Fear Obligation and Guilt and google Flying Money’s.

I came from an abusive past - I had 10 years of psychotherapy - I have issues with trust and yes the 2 long term relationships I had where abusive. In fact this type of childhood affects you in many ways. It wasn’t your fault and it is not your fault. You take care 🌺

If they go to church (or indeed any organization) watch out for the flying monkeys - either knowing or unknowing. At least if you are sure that their are those who are ignorant of their flying monkey status you can warn them off and give them the real story.
Flying monkeys are part of the narcissistic fuel as well as those they seek to exploit.

Why thank you Mary1935

And yeah, you touch on an incredibly important point which is very worth teasing out. The traditionally 'empathic' professions (or vocational)' such as nursing, teaching, medicine and above all of course, religion are MASSIVE magnets to Ns. It's like feeding time at the Serengeti for them. A lot will be unevolved but will posses cognitive empathy. This will allow them to slide under the radar for such a long time. Maybe, their entire careers. Their intimate partners will, of course, know differently. They will usually be Es themselves and find themselves 'hamstrung' as they attempt, time and time again to justify the Ns behaviour in private whilst knowing how loved they are in public. This is also a double edged sword as the N will have been smearing the E to others. For many years in some cases too.

Expect words such as;

'She's unhinged'

'Totally bonkers'

'They have a substance abuse problem. I'm trying to help them'

'You know he/she stalks me, right?'

'He/she just won't let go!'

This is part of the facade that every N needs to manage (consciously or unconsciously). A construct. A fallacy.

How many times do we hear on here; he/she behaves like THIS in public but like THAT in private? This is the 'facade' in full effect.

Of course, the problem is, that in reaction to the manips that are rolled out against us; we do indeed behave in this fashion. Time and time again. We lose sympathy, the N gains the upper hand. More fuel and the facade is maintained. All is well in NarcWorld.

The way we behave is entirely due to our own Emotional Thinking (ET) which a good few posters are sensing in the OP's words and are advising against.

Of course she is in the grip of a massive ET shitstorm. Hence involving the police is just adding to that and its clear the OP is becoming overwhelmed. Fuck me; I would be and I lived this shit about two years ago. Except I wasn't physically assaulted by my parents. For me; it was emotional/psycological.

This is why the OP is in danger. That F is a nasty, nasty fucker. He barely has control on his own fury and he is being abetted by his wife. This is what makes it so very dangerous.

Hi all. Friend here, and staying night. Thank you for all posts and advice; must read thoroughly in bed- much appreciated.

For those asking, friend completely detached from all family, never met them, no link.

Nothing from parents and brother non responsive from this morning so yes, point taken. Won’t be trying to his better side either. Few more things revealed themselves tonight through another conversation, but will reply to all the posts first

If they go to church (or indeed any organization) watch out for the flying monkeys - either knowing or unknowing.

Oh yes. They will be there. They will either be Lieutenants or minions.

At least if you are sure that their are those who are ignorant of their flying monkey status you can warn them off and give them the real story.

Err no. You do not give them ANYTHING! This is Emotional Thinking and will not serve the OP. Now is the time to keep ALL cards close to her chest until she is absolutely sure she can trust someone who is not connected with any of this.

Flying monkeys are part of the narcissistic fuel as well as those they seek to exploit.

This can be true. A Lieutenant can be unaware that they are being exploited. Lieutenants can also be;

Backmailed

Think or perceive they are acting for 'good intentions'

Seeking to gain fuel themselves

To get into the Ns 'good books' and thus be treated 'well' by them. This is an aspect of 'Golden Time'.

In all cases. reject, reject, reject. If you have the slightest suspicion they might be in the same network as you are. Reject.

Also, beware familial connections. These are the most insidious ones of all as family loyalties are stretched to braking point. This is why one must put a huge question mark over the brothers' actions in all of this. THIS is why she must also go NC with him as well. He has held far to sweet a spot for far to long.

Wow they sound horrific Littlemissdemeanour. You have much strength to survive them.

I feel for you and your shit of a mother's patients. You've been abused, gaslighted, hurt and made to feel inferior.. what disgusting excuses for family.

Oh hey OP. Good to hear on friend.

Reply in your own time.

Take care, rest up.

Tomorrow is another day. x

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave

One can only ponder what the OP's M has done in her career. I guarantee; it won't be pretty...

Renarde1975 i agree she sounds awful. Could also be the police are keen to know.

Just take care of you for now sweetie! Don’t worry about us!

I’ve had similar to you, mums h barged the door and terrified me and my young ds, that was that for me. I did (for a particular reason) give an opportunity for her to acknowledge the events, but she is in complete denial, so that was that.

In my case the police were not all that great, they identified with the sob story my DM was spouting, but they did tell them to leave my house eventually

You got the right reaction from your officers, and what you experienced was horrendous

You need to go nc

There is no way around this, yes it’s going to be hard, it hurts like nothing else, but you can’t go back from this, you need to make a new family with your friends

It’s ok, it works

So glad your friend's there, OP, I imagine she's horrified but it's good to know she has nothing at all to do with them - such people are exactly what you're going to need

And if "other things have revealed themselves" at least it doesn't sound as if it's been through contact with them. I really hope you'll continue resisting this, and I very much agree with the PP's suggestions about changing all your contact details

Sadly, I doubt anything else will work

So glad your friend is with you. Sorry you’re not close enough to pop in on Christmas (unless ‘north’ is Scotland) but we can have a virtual meetup on here.

What you said about schoolwork and photos - would the police be able to help? Could they arrange to go round with you so you could collect it all?

Glad your friend is with you. Look after yourself and let her or him look after you, too.

For PPs with much knowledge, can I ask your sources, please? I just googled Flying Monkeys and it is helping me with a situation with my ex. Rather than Google Lieutenants and Emotional Thinking, I wonder if I should be looking at a specific book/resource?

(Hope it isn't hijacking your post to ask this OP - hoping it helps you, too)

Littlemissdemeanour, I'm so glad your friend is here and staying the night. That'll help you feel safe.

It's amazing how clear an impression you get of people who are just words on a screen. As PP have said, you seem lovely: brave, open and thoughtful.

But I totally understand the sadness of having to absorb that your DPs will never be the loving parents every child deserves. .

Your DF is senior in the church. Your DM works in MH. Neither of them should occupy such positions. I'd co-operate with the police because it's important that the attack on you is made official. If your DPs are taken to court so much the better. It's very wrong for them to be claiming the moral high ground when their actions have been so vicious.

Pressing charges will fulfill two objectives. 1. It will enforce consequences on your DPs for their cruel criminal acts. 2. It will create a barrier over which your DPs will hesitate to stick a toe.

Sleep well.

Thank you all. What’s revealed is through a conversation with a very trusted family member, that thereafter my parents Skyped this family member and told several lies about what happened last night; namely that they drove me home this morning, and there was a police incident across the road and they had to give statements.

Would appear they’re getting stories together and lies packed. I sent family member my train tickets from last night, the badly damaged jumper, all my bruises. They’re under no illusions as to where the fault lies.