Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

Thank you everyone, thank you so much. Your kindness and ability to see the person behind the words is really encouraging. I’m still in a daze, but I am taking great comfort from everyone that takes the time to post.

I just wish I had a family and parents like normal people. It really is akin to a death. And yet I still love them, I still want it to all be ok. No one knows it more than me that it can’t be.

I’m really scared now. My friend will come in a couple of hours and I do think it’s important I talk about everything and don’t minimise.

I just can’t get over how in any disagreement they thought it right to treat me this way.

What if I become like this in the future? What does it take to push someone around who is quite clearly broken. I can never understand this mentality.

The silence is deafening.

Your mother should not be working in the care sector. It does make me shocked that if you are not a caring person in everything you do why can they work in an environment where caring is so important. Sending you strength and hugs o p don't let them get away with treating you as cruelly as they did

I think I have some kind of ptsd from my parents but never been to doctors. Even when I think about things what have happened it's too complicated to put into words and I have a physical reaction. Gaslighting on such a spectacular level my head hurts if I try to think about it.

They will never change. You say you are lonely. They are making you feel codependant so they can continue to abuse you. They are making you lonely not curing it. I know how parents are different to partners. Accepting it is so so hard. I really wish you all the best. There is a life beyond their toxicity.

I wish some of you lovely people were my family. I wish I could do more to stop this happening to someone else too.

Why aren’t you pressing charges? You say your mother works in mental health and tried to get you sectioned?

Why are you protecting them?

I haven't read all the replies but can I add ..This is not a situation of your creation.

What does it take to push someone around who is quite clearly broken. I can never understand this mentality

Kicking you when you're down is what they want. Don't try to understand it. There is no sense to it. Trying to just leads to cycles of getting nowhere but is crazy making.

Greendale I never said I wasn’t. It happened last night. I’ve the incident number. I’m processing everything, and in shock.

I’m a little dumbfounded and need to get everything clear first. I’ve been up all night being sick with shock over how this has played out.

I need to talk to someone IRL first, which is what I will do, later this afternoon

Sweetheart, can you please show your friend this thread when you feel like you have some real-life support? I know you need a hug first, and someone to tell you that it’s not you that’s crazy. Trust me, depression, anxiety and questioning yourself are all logical responses to growing up in environments like this. I know because I have heard this many times directly from the mouths of highly-trained professionals. They all told me that it was proof that I was sane. Please understand that realising that this kind of behaviour is not normal and not acceptable is sane and will ultimately save your sanity and probably your life, OP! You sound smart and kind. You sound like you are caring and you really want to form relationships with people who value these qualities. Trust me, darling - most people really do.

Thank you. I’ll be so glad to see her, but as the hours go on I am freaking out more and more about the ‘reality’ of this situation

@greendale17 Let's just give Littlemiss some processing time, shall we?

We don't need to bully her into anything, we need to support. It's completely against everything you believe in to have to report your family, much less your parents for this type of behaviour. It is not going to be easy for Littlemiss, and she needs our support, not people judging her.

To be fair, the people her mother works with are not her priority. She doesn't owe them anything. Littlemiss needs to do this for herself, in her time.

It really is akin to a death. And yet I still love them, I still want it to all be ok

As a very wise PP said, some things need to die. And as a clearly intelligent woman I'm sure you know deep down that the relationship with these people - I can't call them parents - is just such a thing

Quite clearly their minds and actions are diseased and they've tried to lock you into the same cesspit with them. But the good news is that you're NOT locked, because you've now reached out to the police and a good friend and are already seeing that there really is support to reach a better place once you're determined to find it

I'd also advocate bringing charges because such people need to be stopped, but more than that I can't stress enough that you must tell your friend the whole story. However ghastly and humiliating it feels, this is the start of moving on, and I'm convinced you'll find her appalled reaction a revelation

From the sound of things I might not over-involve your brother in this, but once it's "out there" with your friend I hope you'll feel able to also tell your GP and access some quality counselling

Most of all, though, I'm seeing someone who really is waking up to the reality of this and is finally ready to make changes. And you know what? I believe you can do it

Littlemiss

Advice given on here has been excellent - I've nothing new to add but didn't want to read & run - as one PP said it is a good idea to show this thread to your friend especially as you will probably be very upset whilst trying to speak.

Sending hugs & very very best wishes - hope you get through this with the support you need & deserve.

I would like to second what Puzzled said about not over-involving your brother. He has more to gain by keeping you as the scapegoat than you could possibly imagine. He won’t want to rock his comfortable boat. (He may end up making you feel like you have a confidant and end up telling your parents everything.... tread lightly.)

That is a good point, it just hurts that no one from my family will know the truth.

Thanks puzzled I’m just struggling at the thought of not having parents.

Yes, I also agree that printing out and giving this thread to your friend might be wise. It's easy to forget things when we're upset, and anyway there are so many horrors that being able to read through it all later might better assist her in helping you

Another point - and I'm really only thinking out loud here as you have enough going on without this - but I wonder if the GP, once told, might be in a position to raise questions around your relative's fitness to practise? I fully appreciate there are protocols to follow, but there's also such a thing as the "ways and means act" and as a fellow health professional it might just be a possibility?

I’m just struggling at the thought of not having parents

That's utterly understandable, but the awful position is that you've never had "parents" in any meaningful sense of the word ... only now you're having to get through the realisation catching up with reality

I wouldn't worry either about "nobody from the family knowing the truth", since the priority now is to protect yourself during recovery. It might be that one day you're able to tell some of them, and they may react appropriately or they may not - but hopefully by then you'll be in a much better place to deal with it (and if you decide no contact at all is the way forward, the situation won't even arise)

Littlemiss I don't know what to write, but I couldn't not post. 💐💐

I think I agree with others that pressing charges and going NC will be the better option in the long run, and it's clear to see you're still in shock and trying to process what's gone on.

But don't do yourself down. You come across as articulate and kind, even with this horror you've experienced. Once you are free of the shackles placed on you by your parents, I reckon you can make a good future for yourself.

My only advice is to listen to that little girl inside and protect her. Make her feel safe. You will feel better when the young girl you were feels better.
I’ve done it and it works.

Thank you all. It’s very hard to accept the idea that I’ve never have parents; at times it’s been great. But of late it’s been truly awful and last night was abhorrent, I’m under no illusions.

They’re my only link to my past (sadly a lot of my family dead), so emotionally that’s a huge amount of grieving for me.

For the future, I know I must set myself free. It’s just not quite so easy when you’ve been manipulated, gaslighted and you STILL sit here thinking ‘what could I have done differently’.

I am going to phone for a therapist tomo. There was one I spoke to about 18 months ago (telephone counselling) and I clicked with her. She was aware of the issues with my parents, I will see if she is available. I trusted her and liked the sound of her voice (sounds silly, but with telephone counselling it means a lot). I don’t think I could do face to face ?

Every time we argue my father always comes right up in my face and bellows do you love me. He is a scary person.

I used to look up to my father and adore him. I already miss the life I thought I had - even though it looks like I never had it at all

This is where I was Littlemissdemeanour, re-evaluating my childhood. But the truth is my parents' behaviour towards me got worse as their own relationship deteriorated. They spend too much time together now that they are retired and this magnifies the fact they don't get on. I'm the scapegoat who stood up for myself and they stormed out.

What I'm trying to say is all relationships evolve. It's not acceptable when they become abusive and there's always a tipping point. Don't blame yourself. We look to our parents as children for care and comfort. Sometimes as adults we have to create distance if that relationship becomes unhealthy.

Why on Earth would you even think about going anywhere near these people let alone on holiday?! They sound horrifying.

I hope you cut contact & spend your holiday money traveling with friends!

Nobody should put up with being treated that way.

Hugs xxx