Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

You did well. You are strong even though you don't feel it.

Your last comment about your Dad saying you could urinate where you stand has turned stomach. Honestly OP. It's so warped. How would they even think you would want to have any relationship with them after that?

Sad thing is I just wish they would call and say they love me They won't. And even if they did, it would be lies. Because people like that aren't capable of love.

I used to think that's what I wanted from my mum. Just a small gesture, to know she cares. But I don't need that, I needed to draw a clear line and keep the distance between us, because she is toxic and of course, it's all my fault!

Op, I learnt not to expect anything. That way, you can't get let down. You may be lonely, but are you any less so with parents like these? Nothing more painful than loneliness in a room full of people who are supposed to love you. The reason you think that you are lonely, is because that is what they want you to feel. It's how abusers work.

Please visit the stately homes thread, you are not alone.
[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3123281-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families]]

because it’s a death of the life I had Somethings need to die. Somethings should die.

If this incident is a marker of your life, it's wasn't any kind of life, op. It just that, this is all you know now. But it is NOT what you deserve.

You deserved and deserve better than them.

Yes the thought of him saying that is warped and making me sick to the stomach. They say people say things in anger- but how do people even THINK like that?

What I see shining through your posts is that your eyes have been opened. Don't close them again. You come across as immensely insightful and articulate and those are strengths you can take with you into counselling which will make that counselling work for you.

Please do press charges and then go full NC. These people need to be told that their actions have consequences, and your mother especially needs not to be a MH worker. I shudder to think of her with someone who is emotionally vulnerable and mentally unwell.

You are allowed to feel sad, upset, lonely - all those things are normal and natural. You need to grieve for the loving relationship you never had with your parents. But you also need to see that after what you have done - called the police on them - you have the strength and insight to break free from your past and build a good life for yourself. You deserve it.

Oh, LittleMissDemeanor, I am so sorry that you have had to endure all that, it isn’t your fault, you don’t deserve it.

You have obviously been emotionally and psychologically abused your whole life. And the thing about abuse is that it takes away the very confidence and belief in yourself that would enable you to escape.

And as you say, your inability to tell people what they are like creates a gap in other potential close relationships, so isolates you.

You have no experience of a healthy relationship so other abusers see your vulnerability.

You can get support.

The police believed you and are in your side.

You can do the Freedom Programme online or in a group.

It might take a while to get there, and be a hard road, but it can’t be worse than what they are doing now and if you take that road you have a happier, healthier future ahead of you.

Sending a hug.

Can I ask op (not that it makes a difference) what triggered this on Sat night?

Of course, if you would rather not say, I completely understand

I'm so sorry that you've gone through this, it sounds horrendous.

I would definitely put a formal complaint in to the police. And I'm sure this will have already been said, but please don't go on holiday with them, it isn't safe for you to do so.

I also question whether your mother is fit for working in such a delicate position and would be seriously questioning whether it needed reporting to them. If she can treat her own daughter this way, how is she acting towards the people she's supposed to be helping?

Telling you to pee yourself is awful! It's like they wanted to see your humiliation, and wanted to see you in fear of them.

You might want to ask about help with trauma too because it's quite likely that you're saddled with ptsd given the way your parents behave.
Talk therapy isn't necessarily right for ptsd but there is something called EMDR which is amazing.

OP - You are me.... who I was, anyway. I want to give you hope. I am happy now. You have some high hurdles to leap, but it will be worth it, I promise you. You have to trust that you are worth saving.
You need some dated photos of your bruises today. Please go to the police and get them to take them. Have them charged. They are both guilty:

If your mother is like this with you, and she works in mental health, I hate to think how she treats people who are very vulnerable who push her buttons.

I fear they work as a team, OP. Your father’s comments about peeing where you stood while he held you in place are just as evil as the vitriol from your mother.

I fear that they have gotten away with this kind of terrorism before. (And maybe not just with you.)

THEY NEED TO BE MADE ACCOUNTABLE FOR THIS

My mum was violent and emotionally abusive. My dad was complicit and verbally abusive when challenged about why he never stood up to her. I had ten broken arms before I turned 9. My mother worked in a drug & alcohol rehab unit and brought patients home to stay. () My younger brother could do no wrong and I was the antichrist and the cause of everyone’s unhappiness, and yet looked to to solve every problem.

Christmas alone will feel like a holiday without this shit, trust me, OP.

I went to therapy. Travelled. Read books. Had terrible relationships. Formed meaningful friendships (eventually). Learned to laugh at most things. Met a man when I wasn’t remotely interested in looking and am actually very happily married to someone who is everything I never thought was possible. (And with three kids and a dog thrown in later as well!)
I am now..... still processing the shit that went down in my childhood because my parents have recently died, leaving a financial shitstorm and a world of resentment.
Back in therapy.
Still happy with my choices though!!!
You can do this!!!

BTW OP - I am in therapy to make sure I do not even come close to fucking up my kids lives like my selfish, screwed-up parents. They’re teenagers and seem to like me still! (Most of the time)
Please be kind to yourself and allow the police to rescue you.

OP, please do follow up with the police when you feel strong enough to speak to them. Some of the things your parents have said & done to you are appalling. Your mother should absolutely be reported so her managers can investigate if she should be allowed to continue in her profession.

I’ve looked at EMDR before, it does indeed look great.

Regarding what caused it on a Saturday: we had a lovely day, few drinks, back home, dad said something which I didn’t necessarily agree with and I said so (passively) and kicked off. Mum became 2 against one. She threw wine over me to start with then hit the stem so hard on the table it smashed (of course all evidence cleaned up in time for police, bar my top). She then pulled it in three different places calling me a bitch and all sorts. I was up against the wall, pushed heavily, slapped lightly (my bruises are actually very very sore today). My earring fell out I was pushed so hard (it was a stud). I was trying to leave and he opened the window and threw my case onto the lawn.

He then tried to shove me out the door with no shoes so I had to beg to get back in. Oh and they took my shoes and phone.

The most wicked bits were the fake phone call, the snarling at me, laughing at me, telling me to urinste on the spot. I recall telling them I hated them, I’m not sorry for that, I meant it, I hated what they were doing to me,

You see, I was in an abusive relationship, I’ve seen it all before. I’ve read the Lundy Bancroft (freedom not available in my area). I am aware of the triggers. Trouble is, with your parents, it’s not as clear cut, least not for me. And they know that, and they made me plead and beg. My mother was threatening to soak my shoe in water so I couldn’t leave.

They are animals, I know they are. It’s just taking me a bit of time to detach

Well done on calling the police, that was a big step for you.

I've got a challenging relationship with my parents and counselling helped me immensely.

Could you speak to the police again? I'm wondering if they can help give you access to domestic violence support? I would press charges too if you can.

I think you can do the freedom program online as well if theres not one nearby.

You are strong op. None of this is your fault, don't ever think that it is.

It will, and it will be a bereavement since you will be mourning the death of parents that unfortunately for you never existed. TBH it might be a useful exercise to think of your parents as already dead. Remember any shame is their not yours - they are radiating their shame onto you - only now it won't stick.

OP, this is awful and I want to give you a massive unMN hug.

Definitely go to the police and press charges. Get your injuries recorded asap, maybe with your friend's support. Tell the police that they still have your stuff - I'm sure they can help you to get them back.

Then focus on you. What do you enjoy? I know people who have come out of relationships and joined a local choir just to get them out of the house and then loved the whole experience. Don't worry about Christmas. It's just a day with not very good TV and nowhere open. Either buy some lovely food/teats for yourself and spend all day in PJs or maybe go and volunteer somewhere. The time you would spend there would remind you that you are a most valued member of society. Take care

justilou1 thank you for sharing your story, definitely some similarities. I’m sorry you went through that, very challenging, and your mother sounds a righteous one too.

I’m trying to be hopeful about the future. And I’ve tidied everything away and not cried in 2 hours. I need to forget that happened. I have a feeling I never will though

Wow, they really did blow up over something so little. I am so sorry, op. They are hall mark abusers.

It’s just taking me a bit of time to detach of course it will. You will grieve too, not for them, but for what you should have had, for what you are entitled to, for what they should have been ... parents who do not treat you like shit.

You have not done anything wrong. Look after yourself, eat well and rest. This will take a while to process and only you can do it, in your own time.

I need to forget that happened No. Because if you forget you will get pulled back in. Process it, feel all your emotions and store it. Let it be your reminder that the people you thought they were, wanted them to be, don't exist.

Then start building your own family (friends)

This should set you free, op. But you need to feel it raw first.

Photograph your bruises.
Don’t wash your top.
And if you can write down as much of a factual accurate account as you can.
It might help, anyway.

You can never erase these sorts of things from your memory, (or only by entering a serious mental health condition of becoming someone else ) so don’t put any kind of pressure in yourself that you ‘ought’ to move in, or ‘should’ forget. The whole point is that your feelings and thoughts are valid, not wrong. You don’t have to suppress your feelings or deny your experience.

Gaslighting is such a favoured tool of the abuser because it tells you your feelings are invalid and denies your experiences.

Op, I’m sorry to hear what happened to you. Keep trying to get through to women’s aid because they will be able to help.

*Throwing and pushing me around and shouting about me in the third person; she’s mad, she needs help, she’s not right in the head.

See the thing is, I know I am.*

Your mother works in mental health? Surely she knows that "mad" and "not right in the head" are completely inappropriate language to describe mental health.

Do not let them get into your head. Abusive people often find your achilles heel and play on it. They seem to be using your current difficulties and application for counselling to terrorise you. Don't think for a second that their opinion of you is valid, even if you do feel you might have some mental health issues.

You asked what next about the police. I reported my abuser to the police. The next thing was to make a victim statement. The police after that wanted to press charges, but out of fear I declined (I regret that now, but it is what it is). My statement remains on file.

In your position I would talk to the police again. Maybe when your friend is with you. Talk about the options and the possible ways forward.

The freedom programme is available on line. It isn't the same as going to a group, as you do it on your own, but might be worth looking at. Also look up the domestic abuse agencies in your area. Some run their own programmes that are similar to FP.

I predict that in time you will find a lovely healthy relationship. But - and please don't be offended - you have a bit of a journey to make first. The first steps could start now.

Hello OP

I don’t have any advice to add to that you’ve already been given on this thread - I just wanted to say how great you sound. You come across as intelligent, sensitive, emotionally aware, kind, empathic and brave. You’re the kind of person I’d be proud to call my friend. Wishing you all good luck for the future x

Do not forget this!

Please go to the police today and have your bruises documented. Please. Take photos for your own memory, too. Email them to yourself.
Write it all out, in as much detail as you can remember.

Do not forget x