Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP you're exposed in the same way that soldiers would be exposed when running out to put up defences, IYSWIM; they're much safer after the defenses have gone up. You're now covered in the eyes of the police if your parents continue to harrass you as YOU HAVE TOLD THEM to back off. Clearly and unmistakably. You even gave them a month to repent after their awful behaviour - a chance to rethink and apologise. They didn't, so sod them.

I am very sure there will be a note of it as they attended. You should have been given an incident number although in fairness you were going through so much it may have been looked over. You could always call and ask if there's a record and what the incident number is.

Actually op, this might amuse/distract you. My DSis and I had a mother who would become obsessively interested in us, and we hid everything we could from her because the feeling of her furious searching gaze on you (in person or at a distance) was hideous. We used to refer to it as 'The Eye of Sauron', jokingly and tried to make light of it/her in that way. It sort of worked because it was belittling her impact, which helped us to cope. Maybe a similar sort of approach could help you. Or (at a more primitive level) saving them in your phone as 'Asshats' might work too - use a term that you find comically stupid. Small things get us through....

@ContessasGulagSpaDay yes. I think I've been very clear. And yes, in a month, and through all their comms, not once an acknowledgement of the WHY or an APOLOGY. Hence I've had to protect myself.

@OhLookHeKickedTheBall yes, I've got a card with the incident no and both PC's badge numbers. I also had the extensive call with the PC who attended on the night- all on record.

Brilliant, then yes they have a record. If you feel like you need to call 101 you can link it to that incident number. It gives a record to them of it being a pattern. Also if they ever do show up on your doorstep as you've been reported missing, you can give that number to the police and explain that this is why you aren't dealing with them.

Sorry, if the police ever show up on your doorstep you can show the police the card with the number. Too many theys!

Thing is, they wouldn't dare call police . The PC's that attended on the night gave them a roasting and told them how lucky they were I wasn't pursuing a complaint, given the seriousness and implications for them - including losing their jobs.

Ditto, letting family know. They're on a very very sticky wicket.

littlemiss it is an exposure yes. But it will pass and this text was probably necessary.

Bet F hasn't realised what she's sent and they're having their standard nuclear row right about now. Standard nuclear row .... plenty of fallout to come then. But yay, not your problem for now.

But they will probably turn on your next. People who are emotionally and physically violent have an outlet somehow. if its not you or each other, they will try to find someone else.

Being more vulnerable again will pass. I honestly think that whatever you sent or didn't send, they'd still be trying to get you back into the relationship that they want; ie, you in your old place.

I hope you've heard something from work now.

Nothing from work 😫

You're doing so well Littlemiss. ☺

Am I right in saying these things she said to me were threatening?

I felt they were, but now I'm doubting myself.

Would you perceive them the same way?

I'd find them threatening if they'd been sent to me, yes.

Thank you. You see, Witt exposure I'm right back to my feelings of self doubt

I feel exposed again after sending it TBH

Yes, this is what I was afraid of. As SeaEagle said it will pass, though they may well take the not wanting contact at this time to mean you'll back down when, in their view, you've "seen sense"

Right now you're very understandably stuck with the "what will they do next" and "how will they present this to others" thing, but as I've said there'll come a time when you just don't care any more and that will be the real recovery

Oh, and they certainly won't be having a "nuclear row" with F on a hospital ward ... I take it they've dropped that particular stupidity for now?

Witt exposure I'm right back to my feelings of self doubt

Exactly, and that's what they'll attempt to build on if they're led to believe that communication has been re-opened

Only you can make this decision - not us, not your counsellor, not anyone else - but it seems to me that, sooner or later, you'll need to judge whether no contact really does mean what it says. I'd love to be proved wrong, but frankly I doubt that anything else is ever going to work

Of course you’re back to self doubt, they’ve been practicing their manipulation of you your whole life so know best how to play you. You’ve had a life time of bring their victim and haven’t yet found out that you don’t have to follow the same patterns you gave your whole life.

Time will help, but both you and your parents will need more of it to get used to the changing dynamics.

Well done OP. Stay strong, we believe in you as does your counsellor. Try not to doubt yourself, the messages were threatening,

I've been where you are OP, angsting over whether to send a final NC message to my abusive father when all advice says to stick to NC. I spent months ruminating on what to do for the best and it was making me feel so much worse.

In the end I sent a short 'grey rock' style letter saying no further contact wanted, and posted it (signed for). I didn't do it over text as I had blocked the number and couldn't actually bring myself to unblock! Felt very exposed for a couple of weeks after I knew it had been received, but a couple of months down the line I feel a lot more relief that I have drawn that line. It stopped all the ruminating I was doing.

I now feel like I might be able to start to move on. I hope that you get some relief too.

Of course you are second guessing yourself. This is still really new to you. And deep down you will still cling onto the thought that they're your parents, they must be concerned - even though you are seeing evidence to the contrary. That is also normal.

So you sort of think to yourself, well they're not threatening violence or to kill me or something awful so maybe I'm overreacting. But you aren't. Just because they're not extreme, the messages are still if you don't do x like we demand then we will do y. Its still a threat.

But its easier for us to see that than you because its not us who are involved. Be kind to yourself. You've done something brave today.

Don't doubt yourself OP, you're doing brilliantly, as a PP said you're doing this with amazing strength and dignity. I would have found those messages threatening, even without everything that had happened before, stay strong

Thanks all. With regards to my message, the comment at the end 'for the time being' was on recommendation of counsellor - so I don't shut it down forever. He's worried about the impact this will have on me psychologically.

As usual, I considered this long and hard before sending.

Since I sent the screenshot back of what I perceived as the threatening messages (touché!) - I've had nothing back.

I don't really know how that makes me feel TBH. Part of me wants the acknowledgement that I know I'll never, ever get.

Hello @littlemissdemenour I have just caught up with your thread, I have read all of your updates although not all 32 pages of comments but I see that you have had some good support and advice as well as some unhelpful comments.

I just want to say that I wish you the best and I admire your strength. I am sorry for all the pain you have been caused and the loneliness. I am four years NC from my parents and I remember those early days of confusion. Things do get better and sometimes things happen to make it worse.

Healling from abusive families is a process and everyone has their own unique journey.

Do they still have your number? what do you think of the possibility of changing your number so they can't contact you?

It may be a good idea to contact a solicitor to send a warning letter to advise them not to contact you. I put up with unwanted cards and letters for four years, I thought if I ignored them and never replied they would eventually get the message and stop. They didn't. The letter cost me £60 - the best 60 I ever spent in my life. I have had nothing since. They wrote back to my solicitor and said that they were shocked that their cards could be construed as molestation (bullshit, I had made it clear I wanted no contact) Never took responsbility of course but they now know if they contact me again they could get a non-mol. Surprise surprise no more letters :)

I see someone suggested Stand Alone charity to you - I attended some of their therapeutic workshops and found them very useful. I am in Wales and travelled to London to do this. You may need to travel too they have some in the North of England if this is something you think you may find useful.

There is a Facebook group called Estranged from Parents and Thriving - I have found good support there. You may not feel you're thriving at the moment. I have to admit I have thrived in the past but at the moment I am going through a court case with my abusive parents and it's stressful but I know I will get to the point where I'm thriving again.

I hope you get there too!

I hope you are getting support you need here and real life. I find that feelings around estrangement ebbs and flows quite siinifcantly I have periods where I feel very strong and others where everything is just too much.

I hope that things improve with work too. When there are other pressures it really sucks, the sorts of things where if you had a loving family to turn to for support it would make all the difference. Those times are very lonely.

Take care OP, you are not alone! I have found four years later that I have built up good solid friendships with dependable stable people. I have healthy boundaries and not so much of a pushover as I used to be. Hope this is something that will happen for you eventually too. All the best.

This might be useful too OP

www.suzylamplugh.org/

You have behaved impeccably from the outset, Littlemissdemeanour. I've been so impressed by your dignity and good sense. You aren't over reacting. I would have found those messages threatening too.

I'm glad to hear you've sent that text. It means they now can't pretend not to know there's been a rift, and that you don't want to see or hear from them.

Very glad you still have the card the police gave you with all the details on. Let's hope you don't need it.

I don't think you were overreacting either.

One of the hardest things to cope with is realising that an abusive parent will almost never acknowledge their own behaviour. You can't help expecting some love, some concern and care from them, especially when there has been love in the past (however flawed).

Realising that nothing I said or did will change how they act towards me made me feel very powerless and grief-stricken, because it meant that essential I had no parent any more. You just expect to be able to talk to them!

I hope you don't get that feeling as strongly. But I don't think your mother will ever acknowledge her behaviour, never mind its effect on you. The way she stared at the wall during the police conversation, shutting the police out, kind of indicates that anything that she doesn't want to hear or see will just ... not exist for her.