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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/10/2018 22:22

Any misinterpretation of theirs that it's an invitation to talk is just that - their misinterpretation. You can ignore anything from now on

Yes I see what you mean, and it's true that such a text could be useful if it ever comes to further police involvement

It's just that I'd worry about giving them any kind of "in", especially as Littlemiss insisted that anything she says could be used against her. I can only imagine what they'd do with a "don't contact me" message, and she can hardly send them a conciliatory one instead ...

chickenloverwoman · 10/10/2018 22:36

I think that a "stop contacting me" message has to be sent before the police can take any further steps?
But it's up to the OP, entirely to do what she is most comfortable with doing.

slithytove · 10/10/2018 23:23

Gosh littlemiss your strength is just shining through - well done, this can’t be easy in the slightest.

Parents must be shitting themselves as I bet they have tried to keep you down all these years because they really knew how strong you were

queenrollo · 11/10/2018 07:33

I think that mentioning the assault will just open up a flurry of texts. It will be a bit like poking the wasps nest.

Just a simple 'don't contact me again' should suffice really. If you send anything at all.

As ever, do what you feel is right, and on your terms.

Peridot1 · 11/10/2018 07:54

I agree that a short sharp text along the lines of that suggested by chickenloverwoman and SeaEagleFeather would be a good idea. They are strong unequivocal messages. They don’t have to lead to any replies from you. They are an instruction from you. They show you as strong and not afraid of them. You are telling THEM what to do.

And as others have pointed out it gives evidence that you have told them not to contact you.

SlowDown76mph · 11/10/2018 09:13

I'm not religious, but the phrase that comes to mind is 'tell the truth and shame the devil'.

I agree with seaeaglefeather: "after your assaults on XXX date and the police involvement, I don't want any further involvement with you. Do not contact me again in any form". Honest, precise, and not open to discussion. And a good marker if you have to go down the solicitor route.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 11/10/2018 09:35

Parents must be shitting themselves as I bet they have tried to keep you down all these years because they really knew how strong you were

Sadly they might not be Slithy, they might be narcissistic enough to believe their own spin. It's not unusual I'm afraid for abusive people to continue to blame their victims for the situation.

Anyway - enough of a derail - that doesn't help the OP.

OP you must do what you think is right. Can you imagine how you might feel if you sent a closure text?

Littlemissdemeanour · 11/10/2018 10:13

I want to send something but too scared toSad

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 11/10/2018 10:17

little that's completely fine. Don't do anything until you feel able to.

You know what, yes they may report you missing but what is going to happen when the police show up? The police will find you're not missing. It won't be you who's wasted police time.

Peridot1 · 11/10/2018 10:18

Ok. Deep breaths. Don’t rush into anything. Just let things settle in your mind. About what the counsellor said. About anything else you discussed in your session. Maybe write down how you are feeling in a journal.

You are doing really well. And you are stronger than you think.

Littlemissdemeanour · 11/10/2018 10:29

I sent it

I am here but don’t want contact at this time. Please stop sending me threatening messages.

OP posts:
Outlookmainlyfair · 11/10/2018 10:33

Well done! I hope that works. Dealing with irrational people is impossible, but you seem to be doing amazingly,

Littlemissdemeanour · 11/10/2018 10:34

I mean obv I got a knee jerk 'we are not sending threatening messages'

To which I replied with a screenshot of them (reply to both) saying 'enough now'

OP posts:
ContessasGulagSpaDay · 11/10/2018 10:36

Well done OP. Send nothing else though, ok? If you do then you're weakening the message that you do not want to talk to them.

You're being very strong Flowers

Littlemissdemeanour · 11/10/2018 10:37

Thank you

Yes, gone quiet now. I suspect my father didn't know about these additional messages from her. They'll probably start turning on each other now.

Hell mend them.

OP posts:
WeeDangerousSpike · 11/10/2018 10:39

Well done Flowers

Aussiebean · 11/10/2018 10:40

Well done tough for you to do. But now don’t engage.

They were bound to start picking a fight with anything you sent so just keep the texts for evidence but remember you don’t have to read them. Maybe look at your settings and change the notifications so you only get them if you open the app. Then you won’t have the constant anxiety every time it beeps.

You have placed your boundary. Just because the don’t respect them doesn’t mean you have to respond.

Littlemissdemeanour · 11/10/2018 10:40

Thanks all. Yes, the text notifications are turned off

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 11/10/2018 10:42

Well done. And good move sending the screenshot.

You've done it now, so take a deep breath, cry or scream or whatever you feel like and shove your boundaries right back up. You're doing amazingly.

Littlemissdemeanour · 11/10/2018 10:44

She had an exclamation mark after the 'we did not send threatening messages!'

How can she not see that 'you have forced my hand, I will call your work and ask where you are' and 'If I don't hear from you I will send X round' are threatening.

Well now it's unequivocal. Bet F hasn't realised what she's sent and they're having their standard nuclear row right about now.

OP posts:
WTFIsAGleepglorp · 11/10/2018 10:54

I was going to suggest sending a text with your counsellor present, but that time's passed.

Keep going as you're rocking this! Keep accepting their messages, but do not reply.

You need 'proof' for whatever you choose to do in the future - show therapist or police or whatever.

They have you as some family 'whipping boy'.

They feel bad, life isn't as rosy as they want it to be, it must Littlemissdemeanour's fault. They have to punish, take it out on you.

Now you're not there and 'interacting' with them, there's no one to validate their dysfunctional viewpoint.

You are doing so well.

Let them call the police.

The police will do a welfare check and you can explain that your so called 'parents' are utterly batshit, have emotionally, physically and financially harmed you and you are in therapy.

You'll have the messages as proof and the word of your therapist to back you up.

Fingers crossed for work. Hope it turns out OK.

Littlemissdemeanour · 11/10/2018 10:55

Thanks
I feel exposed again after sending it TBH

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 11/10/2018 10:58

How can they not realise?
In simple terms they have their own little twisted narrative and they're either deluded enough to believe it or they're attempting to gaslight.
Either way you know its not normal. Its not you, its them.

WTFIsAGleepglorp · 11/10/2018 11:00

Yes, you will.

Any contact from you, is an invitation to reply, a little chink in your armour.

Don't block them, they seem to be in the habit of giving you advance notice of their actions and that's useful.

Just maintain the no contact.

Have milk, sugar, sweeteners and a choice of teas and coffees, if the police show up.

Be as reasonable as you can and tell them from the beginning about what's happened.

You may not feel it, but you are doing very well.

Littlemissdemeanour · 11/10/2018 11:03

Yes. Can I assume the police would have a note of the prior call to them?

OP posts: