Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
dizzy174 · 10/10/2018 12:43

whatever next?

PhilomenaButterfly · 10/10/2018 12:51

Let me guess, your behaviour is supposed to have put him there. Hmm

Littlemissdemeanour · 10/10/2018 12:53

@OhLookHeKickedTheBall sorry you had that too. Thing is, I'm genuinely coming from a place of ambivalence towards whatever it may/ may not be?!

No one gave a hoot about assaulting and abusing me, or for the detriment to my health it's all had. In fact, they carried on 'living their best lives' (yes, I hate that phrase too).

Only now have they realised oh hell, this may impact them. Never what impact it's had ON ME. As demonstrated by their rhetoric.

OP posts:
chickenloverwoman · 10/10/2018 12:54

What a surprise!

MiggledyHiggins · 10/10/2018 13:05

father in hospital

You are doing excellently and have done all the way through this. Well done.

Rubyslippers7780 · 10/10/2018 13:20

Honestly, you are amazing. Keep strong. Well done for getting this far. Have faith in yourself and know they will try any dirty tricks to reel you back in.
Flowers

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 10/10/2018 13:28

I get what you mean about realising its impacting them and not caring about the impact on you. And you're very right of course.

Ambivalence is what I feel mostly too. I don't wish ill health on them but also I don't feel I owe them anything more than a platitude. If something happens now it does. The die have been cast and can't be uncast iyswim.

Charmatt · 10/10/2018 14:23

Wow - they are playing control bingo trying to get you back under their thumb!

For all they know, you could have changed your phone number anyway, so if it was really urgent they would find a different way to let you know. (My mum had alcoholic parents and she went NC with them because she was protecting us - I remember when I was 10 that the police knocked on the door to tell my mum that her mum had been taken to hospital was unlikely to live. My mum's reaction was ambivalence, because she had realised over the years just how much they had not cared and how much better her life was without them.)
Flowers You are strong and inspirational to others who are experiencing this sort of behaviour.

ohfourfoxache · 10/10/2018 14:55

Wow, didn’t see that one coming

On the plus side, at least you know that if they’re following the textbook you know what is likely to come next

yorkshirepud44 · 10/10/2018 16:58

You are doing so well. He'll have days to live in a minute according to the script..

I've recently realised the extent of narcissism around me and done lots of reading up about it which is frankly terrifying to any sane person. No contact seems to be the only thing that can possibly work with these people.

I understand why you want to leave that channel open though. At least you're then aware of the level of crazy.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/10/2018 17:57

Textbook - father in hospital

Quelle surprise Hmm Any minute now: "he's only got a few hours/days left and wants to see you one last time to ask your forgiveness"

If you have the slightest doubt about this, why not call the hospital and ask which ward he's on? I guarantee you'll be told they have no such patient ...

Littlemissdemeanour · 10/10/2018 19:03

Evening all

Hard session with counsellor. He thinks I should text I don't want comms and says by not replying I'm undertaking the transactional analysis between parent and child. With me child running. I do see logic.

I said I'll do so tomorrow as today has been about threats and I will not succumb to replying to that.

Head burst !

OP posts:
Mummabear2212 · 10/10/2018 19:27

Evening, I've just stumbled upon this and RTFT. Have nothing to add which hasn't always been said but your strength and dignity shines through. I hope things ease for you however you choose to handle this now and in the future. Your choices whatever get may be 💗

Mummabear2212 · 10/10/2018 19:28

*They. Whatever they may be (damn phone)

Aussiebean · 10/10/2018 20:29

By sending a very clear ‘do not contact me’ (you could even add I will call the police if you do) you then have a stronger case if they up the harassment.

If/when you go to police you can show that you have clearly told them not to contact you and yet they continued.

Littlemissdemeanour · 10/10/2018 20:35

Yeah - counsellor made the point if don't do that they could report me missing / make out to everyone it is out of concern for me

OP posts:
pointythings · 10/10/2018 20:45

I think a calm 'Please do not contact me again' is absolutely fine and makes it clear where you stand. Rinse and repeat if necessary but do not engage any more than that.

You are still so clear-headed and analytical about all this - I am in awe of you. You may not feel that you are strong and amazing, but you really are.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 10/10/2018 20:49

Your counsellor makes a very good point.

Though given their last message was about your father being in hospital I'd be wary of sending just don't contact me again as that would be used against you.

Definitely send something strongly worded but that makes it clear. Along the lines of:
After you assaulted me I do not wish for you to contact me again.

Someone else could probably do a far better job of it than me though.

Whisky2014 · 10/10/2018 21:02

I wpuld miss out the "please". Do not contact me will suffice.

chickenloverwoman · 10/10/2018 21:02

I'd actually spell out when they assured you as well. "After you assaulted me on (date) and the Police were involved I do not wish contact from you again."

chickenloverwoman · 10/10/2018 21:04

assulted, not assured!

Nagaram · 10/10/2018 21:40

What chickenlover said above sounds good.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 10/10/2018 21:44
Flowers

Way upthread someone posted that some things need to die. Your relationship, such as it was, has reached an end and you are allowed to exit with dignity.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/10/2018 21:48

Personally I'd be very careful here. You've said over and over that your instinct is against contact and that you want to make your own choices now ... isn't there a risk that the counsellor could become one more person "telling you what to do"? And so what if they did report you missing, since the police could sort that out with one simple phone call to you?

If, however, you decide you do want to do this, I agree with PPs that s short, sharp "don't contact me again" (and definitely no "please") would do ... though don't be surprised if they regard even that as some kind of success to be built on. At the very least you'd probably get a "why are you doing this to us?" and what then?

SeaEagleFeather · 10/10/2018 22:03

I think puzzled is right. I think that it's a good idea to weigh the counsellor's view, and the reasoning behind it, but to make your -own- decision.

if you do say "after your assaults on XXX date and the police involvement, I don't want any further involvement with you. Do not contact me again in any form" or something like that, then don't reply to -any- further texts.

Your text will have been crystal clear and is sufficient on its own. It also lays the groundwork for a solicitor's letter, if that becomes necessary. Any misinterpretation of theirs that it's an invitation to talk is just that - their misinterpretation. You can ignore anything from now on.

I don't think that one text back to them like that is encouragement. It could do some good (makes your position clear and lays the hopefully-unneeded groundwork for a solicitor's letter) and it can't do much harm.