Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

Do you have an idea as to what your next actions will be when she keeps texting and coming around...because she will for a while yet I’m afraid.

Are you hoping to wait it out for long enough in the hope she’ll give up, or do you have another way forwards?

Don't really know what I'm hoping for. I feel I still need time and space to process.

No unannounced callers, and with the tv camera in the hall thing, I would know it was them.

They must have taken time off work and it's some journey. But too little, too late. And still, no hint of remorse. Hence my non interaction.

Stay strong. I bet deep down they feel guilty but I can bet they will never ever admit it even to themselves! Hugs

OP I've RTFT and firstly let me say how sorry I am that you are dealing with all this. For what it's worth, I think you are amazing, strong and inspirational!

One thing I wanted to mention was that you talk a lot about being alone. I just wanted to say that being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely. It can become a very empowering position. You get to decide who is in your life... you can reach out to completely new people and take your time to decide who you want to have as good friends. Think about things you love, that you enjoy, and look at connecting with other people who share your interests. Take time out for YOU - how many people scream about wanting "me" time - well - enjoy it! Take time out to be kind to yourself - a nice long bath, switch off the phone and enjoy a really good film, take yourself to the cinema or go for a long walk somewhere you've always wanted to check out. You actually have unlimited options and it can be very empowering and therapeutic to do lots of great things for you!

Try not to see "alone" as a negative - look at it as your life having a bit of blank canvas and you can bring into your life who and what you like... replace the negative with the positive - one step at a time.

I wish you all good luck and send you positive thoughts OP - you're doing brilliant. Keep focused on taking the power back... being kind to yourself... and doing what is right for YOU. x

Long time lurker, just emerging to say well done for what you have done. My abusive parent died, otherwise I'd be NC .he was just like your parents. Its taken me 40 years to seek help for what he did. Don't be like me! Get free while you are young

OP they'll never change. I cut my mother out of my life over 15 years ago once my dad died, my only regret was that I didn't cut her out of my life sooner. My life is a lot more peaceful and happier without that toxic weapon in my life.

Take care.

I’ve been reading your thread Littlemiss initially with the same mindset as the other posters.

However, I can fully relate to the denial in order to be able to cope and then gradually process what’s happened. I did that in the past and lots of victims do to be able to stay afloat. At least you are getting professional help which (when it was the right person) I found invaluable.

Denial is something we see all the time on Mumsnet. I was never aware of it before I found Mumsnet so just kept making up excuses. He didn’t mean to, I must have done something, maybe I remembered it wrong, maybe I wasn’t clear...

Your thread will be very useful to you when you have processed things a little more and are ready to move forwards.

It’s taken you a long time to finally understand just how destructive and nasty your parents are despite you being on the receiving end of their behaviour. Of course your family haven’t had that time or experience of their behaviour firsthand to be able to accept it for themselves and so they are going through a similar phase of minimisation and denial that you’ve been doing for all these years until relatively recently.

So it’s not just a simple case of whether they believe you or not. They have to process the fact that they were close and didn’t know and did nothing. That’s difficult in itself to deal with as in their minds when the accept what’s happened they’ll hold themselves responsible to a degree for not realising and being bystanders.

You’ll get there Littlemiss you’ve got a strength now that you never had before now you’re learning to accept and challenge what you’ve not done before. You’re light years away from where you were only a few months ago. Your family have got a lot of catching up to do.

OMG - I wonder what they were hoping to achieve by showing up at your place? I hope you’re okay and able to focus on the grievance. You poor thing! Big hugs for you!!!

Morning all

Thanks for the continued posts.

I think the penny is beginning to drop; how serious I AM and they're beginning to panic about his this insights THEIR profile. This is about them, of course.

I've moved my counsellor to tomorrow, and will talk more about it with him.

I'm just not ready to engage- maybe I never will be. When I think I'm ready to send a message (and feel guilty for not), something holds me back, and it's the memory of;

• the shouting in my face

-having the red wine poured on me

• having my top torn in three different places

-being shoved against the wall -so hard, my earring fell out -having my phone taken off me -having my trainers taken by mother (and threatening to soak them in water) -being restricted from leaving -having my luggage case thrown so hard on the ground -my father ripping up his shirt and gesticulating wildly at his chest 'you've broken my heart' -my father trying to tear the birthday card I wrote him in my face whilst screaming 'did you mean any of that' -being told I was crass and it was the most disgusting thing he'd ever heard re: me cleaning and sorting dead brother's grave stone (as they couldn't afford, and I cared. I'd never told anyone until then, and it only came up in a row) -being told he didn't care if I urinated on the spot (in response to me requesting to go to loo) -having to shout loudly to try and get help from neighbours to leave as physically restrained -my mother making a 'fake' call to get me sectioned - and the length of the call -my mother waving the victory sign in my face and calling me a bitch and shouting like a woman possessed

Oh for fucks sake!!!!! (Sorry for shouting and swearing, but really, they are a piece of work...)

They are really pushing at your boundaries now aren’t they?!

And that makes me so cross as you have enough to deal with! Including the work thing on top of everything. You poor thing, they make me cross - Hence the swearing :)

Feel free to do some more venting on here, no one will take it personally (once they know it’s not at them!).

I wish we could go round and take turns at opening your front door and pretending you’ve moved. That would really mess with their heads... and stop them pushing at that particular boundary. I know that’s a mean idea though and not helpful in reality. Which is a shame really as it’s quite a good one I think ... in fact, would your friend from right at the beginning be able to somehow stand in their way next time? To say you’re on holiday and she’s watering your plants or something? Or quite frankly that you’re not able to see them at the moment? I suppose that only works if she lives very close though, as they don’t give much notice. Hummm.

Your instinct is to withdraw and withdraw isn’t it? But how long can you withdraw for when they are invading your space like this?

Although you say they have to have travelled a fair way to have pulled this stunt, so maybe they won’t be able to do it very often? But... it’s not nice and it must be destroying your new found little space for anxiety free calm whilst you take a breath in all this madness they have created.

I think perhaps you need to prepare a couple of ‘statements’ for if they manage to get through to you... so you aren’t caught off guard? What do you think?

I’m thinking about if they manage to surprise you and force themselves into your presence personally... but also, I think their next move might be to recruit other people to come and visit you on their behalf, under the guise of desperate parents worried for their child.

Obviously I don’t actually know what they’ll do, I’m just thinking what kind of things they might stoop to as they get increasingly desperate. It feels like they are thrashing around in panic and anger as you are doing the one thing that has never happened before. Your heart and mind is no longer under their control, I mean in the sense that the good old strategies they’ve used for a lifetime are suddenly getting very different responses. And it’s freaking them out. And they are getting desperate because by your quiet and dignified silence, you are showing them that you aren’t prepared to be the (unwilling and unknowing) partner in their games any more, and you aren’t being manipulated anymore... you are not satisfying their needs anymore at all. So they’re trying every trick in the book to get you back and in your place again.

Over the years I’ve learnt something, very slowly, that you seem to just know in one (!), it took me a long time to learn that you don’t have to join in a game someone is playing. You don’t have to engage, and the way to win isn’t to play it harder, better and be more... whatever, to win against the person who’s got you enmeshed in this game of theirs. The absolute best way of dealing with this game, is just to decide not to play, and walk away... see that ball getting throw to your side all tempting to bat it back? It takes a real strength of mind to just say ‘no, I don’t play that game thanks’ and resist the urge to bash the ball back one more time, and just walk away, leaving the ball to just fall down on your side and roll gently away.

Now, you’ve got that in one, which is brilliant, it’s part of what makes you so wise and different in this situation you find yourself in.

Your parents will be scared by this strength you have though. And when people are motivated by fear, or by guilt, well, they are super strong emotions, and they drive people to do extraordinary things. Things they wouldn’t do normally.

And your parents seem to be acting under the influence of this fear, so unfortunately, I’d be expecting more extreme and pushy things, as they struggle to regain control and squash their fear that their abuse might be exposed, and that the source of the nasty little secret need to control and hurt another human being might be taken away. Bleugh! I’m sure they’d be upset at themselves if they ever could be forced to see that side of themselves, the reality of themselves deep down... but it wouldn’t happen as they couldn’t face up to it. Sigh.

Anyway, I digress (again!).

I hope you are ok.

I can feel your distress from here, Littlemissdemeanour. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's outrageous. It's unfair. But you will get past it with your good sense and insight.

(I have no experience)
But if anyone had done that to me, I can't imagine the words that would make me feel like they were truly sorry and couldn't behave like that again.
Because a trite "I'm sorry" wouldn't cut it, not that they've even managed that.
Would it help to think through the different situations that might happen and how you would feel?
You might decide that they've crossed a line and there's nothing left for you.

There's no time limit on when you're meant to be over something like that little. You may feel like you've personally gotten over it next week, in 3 years, or never. All of those are fine as long as you are.

Has your counsellor talked about PTSD? As in what to look out for in future if not now?

circumstances are different but I had to separate my adult life/family from my parents it’s been hard - our lives were unhealthyly enmeshed
they could not respect appropriate relationships so we are now, via police intervention, no contact
many wider family relationships have also gone with them as the relations are under my parents spell it it’s hsrd to be relaxed with people who might feed back to Nc parents
I care, I’m sad about it, its not what I wanted but I am so much better off and healthier too and so is my family (husband and kids)
I’ve needed and sometimes still need support to focus
Counselling helped

Meanwhile my parents have fabricated their own story where I am the problem

Whatever! we were definitely no longer compatible ho hum. Life is not ‘The Walton’s’ for many.

Good luck, stay strong, protect yourself first then rebuild, take support from where you find it but most of all be you xx

So glad you've moved the counselling up; hopefully seeing him will be helpful and you might even be able to arrange to have an "urgent slot" if/when they produce any more idiocies

Also relieved they didn't come back last night and that the journey might just make them pause. However that certainly won't be the last of it and I'd expect "they're dying and asking for you one last time" to come crawling out of the woodwork at some point. I could be writing nonsense of course, but it's sometimes useful to have an idea of "the script", to lessen the impact a bit when it arrives

I think we all empathise with your not wanting a "face to face" in the foreseeable future, but you know what? One day you will feel able to do this, only hopefully by that time both they and the total irrelevance of how they look to others will matter to you not one bit

And that will be the best thing of all

And here come the threats

Very facetiously, its a good job you aren't there right now.

Yes. PP are right- here she is playing the distressed parent. It just doesn't wash.

Ignore.
Op you are doing amazing, don't forget they have no hold over you, can't hurt you anymore, you are not obligated to have see /hear /speak to them at all.
Keep the text and I suggest you keep a diary incase the day comes when the police are a necessity.
Stay strong.

This goes beyond any behaviour
Really does cement that its you that is the bad one doesn't it?
There's no remorse at all here.
Any normal rational person would understand that someone has the right not to deal with them if they've been involved in an incident where the police have said they abused that someone. They clearly aren't normal or rational.

Hold that thought with you if you ever feel yourself wavering.

Bloody hell, Littlemissdemeanour. Your parents really have no shame, do they?

What do you think they're going to do? You have "forced her hand"? Wtf does that mean?

I would find it very hard not to respond to those texts but I guess that's exactly why she sent them.

Would scaring her help? You could say "I have not pressed charges against you but the police say I can change my mind at any time. I don't want any contact with you and DF. Please leave me alone. If you don't I will contact the police."

It is hard not to respond, yes. But nothing I can say will ever get through to that woman.

She stared at the wall when being questioned by the police (that's what the officer told me).

If she does call my work and I hear of it, I'll call police. Out of control.

I also find it mildly humorous that she's making all these threats about calling my office - when she's not once had the balls to call me.

I can read the panic in her tone. Good.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy I don't want to make threats like that because I think I'm better than resorting to their measures. Besides, I'm more a promises type of woman- if I said that, it would be a material fact, and I would be calling the police and pressing charges.

I'm also conscious that if at some point I do, anything said by me and any action could be used against me, so dignified silence. For now.

I wonder what they think they will achieve by calling your work? Good grief!!! It’s all about the belief that they have the power to affect your life isn’t it?