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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

941 replies

Littlemissdemeanour · 16/09/2018 08:07

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 08/10/2018 14:45

The police will have a record of the first incident I'm sure, so its worth a shot. Just to give you a little peace of mind. Flowers

Littlemissdemeanour · 08/10/2018 14:45

@hissy I really don't think that would be helpful to me right now. In the eyes of the law, they didn't do anything wrong. The police would inevitably ask me to make the contact to send a cease and desist as it were, or press charges.

OP posts:
Hissy · 08/10/2018 14:47

The fact that they are panicking means that they are unpredictable and think that you are being difficult/whatever. They are unstable, they are not respecting your very reasonable boundaries, because they have rewritten it all in their heads and now are coming to hoover you back into the position they need you in to get their narcissistic feed.

and you are not cooperating...

Love, call 101 and tell them what is happening, they might be able to flag your address for rapid response, you need that peace of mind

All this AND a work grievance - my god your blood pressure must be off the charts!

PaleRider1 · 08/10/2018 14:49

My god the have got some nerve. How did you know they'd turned up at your door? Did a neighbour see them?

P.S. You are doing amazing, might not feel like it, but you are

Hissy · 08/10/2018 14:50

When my parents wouldn't leave me alone, the police told them to leave me alone, I didn't have to say anything

You have already told them you don't want contact - if you call 101 you can get advice from someone as to what the options are and who can help you. Please don't sit there thinking there is nobody there to protect you, there is, you just need to ask for help. Please have a chat with 101.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 08/10/2018 14:51

One of my neighbours' family threatened DH and DD many years ago, we called the police out due to the graphic descriptions but chose not to press charges. The police did come out when they showed up on our doorstep a while later and warned them themselves that next time it would be a harassment order. We weren't pressed to change our minds on not pressing charges.

I appreciate its not quite the same as your situation but not pressing charges doesn't mean the police will not take you seriously.

Littlemissdemeanour · 08/10/2018 14:51

But I haven't told them anything. Not a word has been spoken since I left that night with the police.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/10/2018 14:52

Many apologies, Littlemiss (and hissy) I read that wrong and thought they'd actually been in your flat, so awful as it is, guess it could have been even worse

How about CCTV for if someone lets them through the communal entry and they get as far as your own door? They sell basic systems everywhere now, including DIY chains which stay open late. They might well be in a panic now (tough!!) but at least it would avoid opening your door to an unpleasant surprise

(And yes Greece was lovely thanks - I'm just catching up with online stuff while sitting at the airport)

Littlemissdemeanour · 08/10/2018 14:53

@PaleRider1 I had a text saying they popped round to see me but I wasn't in (!) I was already on way back from shops and had to take an extended journey and sneak in back door (as feared they would still be there as message v recent, but needed to get back for work call).

Oh and was so nervous i wet myself.

OP posts:
Littlemissdemeanour · 08/10/2018 14:55

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Glad you had fun. Cctv not allowed individually. Communal block, new build pretty expensive outer texture to walls (think granite cladding). We have a property manager that ensures nothing goes onto building (and don't want to draw attention to myself). Oh and they already charge me £150 pcm so don't want this to increase 😂

OP posts:
Littlemissdemeanour · 08/10/2018 14:56

Sorry, I don't want to call 101 at this moment. I don't want additional drama and engagement. If that changes it is an option . But for me, right now, I don't feel it would be helpful.

OP posts:
PaleRider1 · 08/10/2018 14:57

What is the App that you can set up on your phone for security at home? I saw an ad on TV that if someone rings your door (even if you are out) you can see who is at the door.

On my iPhone there is an App called Home, can't say I've looked at it further but it looks like a security thing. Might be worth looking into, at least you'd know who was at the door before answering it.

Hissy · 08/10/2018 14:57

OK, but call 101, please. Tell them what happened and ask them what you can do to protect yourself.

Please don't let anything or anyone (including yourself) get in the way of protecting yourself from them.

You could look at it that you didn't formalise anything before, because you hoped the calling the police to help you would be enough. They have been given a chance for a wake-up call, perhaps even the GP touched on the subject, who knows, but they are now not leaving you alone and that's not on. you CAN get the police to advise them that you don't want contact, especially given the terrifying events that you were rescued from.

Littlemissdemeanour · 08/10/2018 14:59

Hi @Hissy I know you're trying to be helpful, but I've said quite a few times I don't want to call 101 at this juncture. It's not going to help me right now. If that changes (and it might) it's an option.

OP posts:
Littlemissdemeanour · 08/10/2018 15:00

@PaleRider1 I know what you mean with the app, but we have a very fancy communal buzzing system and if all comes up on a big screen in my home anyway. So I can always see who is there.

OP posts:
Hissy · 08/10/2018 15:01

Cross post.

Oh and was so nervous i wet myself.

My love. ^ THIS is why you need to have a bigger badder back up. I know that you don't want this, any of this to be happening, but it IS!

Them JUST turning up at your building caused you so much fear you wet yourself. My darling, I can't begin to imagine your terror, you simply can't face this alone, you can't.

You may think that 101 is an escalation etc etc, but it's not drama or engagement, it's offloading the problem to the people who are trained and paid to protect people like you from people like them.

Littlemissdemeanour · 08/10/2018 15:02

Please accept my wishes and stop reinforcing what you think I should do- please. I've made it clear it is an option, just not one for me right now.

OP posts:
Hissy · 08/10/2018 15:07

cross post again. sorry

OK, then if you are going to deal with this yourself, what is your plan for when they come back?

If you can't involve people to protect you, and the GP are not there for you, cousin neither, who can help? where can you go to hide out until they eventually drop the bone?

If you can speak to an officer from domestic violence unit, they might be able to give you suggestions as to what you can do yourself to keep yourself safe.

I saw your comment about feeling better without them in your life. that is so comforting, to know that they have caused so much trouble, but that you are already feeling a benefit from standing up to them and for yourself.

I know this is scary, I have done similar, but I had the police to advise me (no reports, no charges and a fraction of the severity of your attack) I had domestic violence contacts (at the time through a charity I helped found) and my friends. this is not something I could have got through alone.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/10/2018 15:08

Cctv not allowed individually

Blast Hmm In that case, and if you prefer not to involve the police again yet, how do you feel about dealing with future knocks on your door?

Oh, and as a slight aside, I'm not even convinced the police "having a word" would help with people quite this deranged; they'd probably regard themselves as brave troupers fighting oppression from the ungodly

Littlemissdemeanour · 08/10/2018 15:15

They can't get to door as such, only to front door.

I'd like to talk to my counsellor about it again. I'm dealing right now my protecting myself and not engaging (I don't have the strength to face head on right now).

I'm also dealing with a SHITSTORM at work and trying to get that concluded. I'm likely to be called back in towards end of week and hoping for a satisfactory resolution.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/10/2018 15:19

Another cross post fro me too ... I see you can view who's at the door on a provided screen anyway, so at least there's not the worry of who it might be when you open it

Unfortunately that's unlikely to prevent them hanging around outside, waiting for you to turn up after work or whenever, so I can only hope they drop this stupidity sooner rather than later

Peridot1 · 08/10/2018 15:35

Well if you are in a fairly secure building and can see who is at the door then I would hunker down and concentrate on other stuff for the moment.

If they text again reply IF you want too. You can put your phone on silent and just check it periodically for work stuff or anything else you need to see.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 08/10/2018 15:44

Sorry little I hadn't realised from your posts you didn't want to call them, it sounded more like you were worried about calling them and them not taking you seriously or blaming you for not pressing charges.

We were given the advice in our situation which would probably work for you should they gain access to the communal areas. Obviously if he tried to break the door call 999. But have a recorder (either phone or a special device) on standby, don't engage, don't open the door but record what is being said. Also have that ready if you meet on the street, stay calm as you can, ask them to leave you alone, but record the event.

RainbowsArePretty · 08/10/2018 16:29

They are so persistent. I hope your work situation is concluded soon. Then that will be one thing off your plate Thanks

CheekyFuckerHQ · 08/10/2018 17:00

Do you ever have unannounced callers
OP? I mean people who just turn up but that you would be happy to let in? Or can you just ignore the door.
I live in an unusual situation where people can’t just turn up. I live beyond locked gates with no way of visitors alerting me to their presence, so I have grown used to people having to arrange visits.
Still it’s not nice to know your parents are outside if you are inside. Maybe you could plan what you might do if they turn up. Ignore phone, listen to music through headphones?
Can you ask other people in your building not to let them in?
Strength to you, I think you’ve done great so far.