Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

I agree that the therapist message invites a response. It just screams for a question mark at the end.

Don’t send that last bit unless you are very ready for the response because I would bet a lot it will just result in you being attached again verbally.

I think silence is the best method. You are holding your boundaries and probably really pissing them off (good) but you are showing that you hold the power here and not them. The fact they are resorting to click bait means it is working.

You are a star. I have had my share of vile form my mother but not to this degree. Indont think I would have handled it with as much grace.

Your gps have shown their hand and now you know. Information you didn’t have before. Now you have it you are using it wisely and not going back. Very smart.

Read up on FOG, flying monkeys, hoovering and all the other favourite tricks of the narc. So you are prepared and can see it all for what it is.

Maybe also consider a camera at your front door so you are not blindsided if they do come. Means you can also just not answer it.

Thanks
Can't do cameras as live in a flat

Therapist offered a 10 min session between next session if really in need, but haven't felt it. I'll talk on thu as planned and why I felt I couldn't do anything.

What is interesting to me is that I've not been as anxious without them in my life. I'm upset at what's happened. But no anxiety for the first time in... forever. I no longer even get the fast heart feeling when I see the messages on the screen.

Wow they are unbelievable! What about making a timeline of what’s happened and log everything in a book? Print out some screenshots of messages/ pics of bruises and stick it in. Then perhaps every time you close the book shut you can mentally shut it out. Then if anyone police/relative does get involved in the future just show them the book. Then you don’t have to re-tell it.

Sounds in principle a good idea, but I really can't indulge further / invest more of my life going over and over it. Counsellor told me it was easier for family to disbelieve me than face up to the truth.

Seems to be happening.

You'll probably find that without your parents around, you are lot less anxious in the long term.

Having said that, this attack was extreme for them but it didn't come out of nowhere. They've probably shown real signs of cruelty before now, haven't they? That will have affected you for a very long time and when the time is right, it might help to get some very skilled counselling / therapy.

Well done Littlemiss, all I see in those messages is a person cycling through negative emotions needling away trying to provoke a response. We’ve had guilt and shame, mainly, with a side of anger & rage...

What I don’t see is any kindness, gentleness or love.

You know I said about how this is the worst time and you just have to keep breathing through this, and moving one step at a time?

Well, I still very much believe in that, and ‘one step at a time’ doesn’t include sending post cards along the way! Unless communicating is just one of those steps forwards for you, it will be a side step, or more likely, a step back

If you ever DO want to reply, and it had to be right for you, not because you feel manouvered into replying. Anyway, if you do want to reply, id think about the emotions you want to convey, not just the content. I think we tend to try and make these type of texts emotion-free but I’m not sure that’s a good thing when the audience will be reading into it mean and harsh emotions of their own... I’d try and model the emotions towards yourself & them that you’d want to be receiving. Particularly gentleness and basically quiet ending down the angry tenseness of their missives! And making it all a bit calmer and smaller.

I’m not sure if you’d be able to do this but if you can I’d also write what you’d be happy being spouted to others, as your words of course will be used as evidence against you. Particularly thinking about the secondary audience being religious, they should appreciate a message of positive emotions.

Could you, when you do write, write what you’d like to feel in the end, even if you have a way to go from now? It means you clearly taking the higher ground, and gliding over the deeply unpleasant baser emotions your parents are indulging in.

Not given much thought to crafting this but something like eg given how much I am hurting at what has happened, and the tone of your messages to date, I don’t think there is much point in continuing right at this moment. I will always love you even if I can’t be around you/ even if your behaviour means I cannot be around you, etc.

However, I do very much think the best course of action is NO communication at the moment. And not a text to inform them of that, nor a message stating a ending of a relationship or anything like that just... nothing. Because that’s how you are feeling, and that’s ok.

And you know any communication will spark of a whole new chapter in their behaviour, and you are only just starting to heal from this chapter.

Look after yourself. Apologies in advance for sounding all woo and hippyish, but, I t’s time to look inwards at yourself. And be very gentle and kind to yourself. Because you really need this to heal, and quite frankly, it’s probably a new and different feeling, as lord knows you haven’t exactly been lavished with love and care by that shower of bastards (sorry, I mean ‘family’!) to date!

So, even though I’ve given —probably— —quite— crap— advice on texts, I strongly think you shouldn’t send anything. Focusing on you is really important, and when they are in your head, it’s all about them, and impossible to concentrate on nurturing a small yet growing sense of you!

Actually, I could have written this in a much shorter way! it comes down to the basic truth that: You’ve shown all the way through that your first instincts are spot on, so go with them

Yes understand about not investing/ regurgitating time and emotion into going over it all - I am in a situation where I am not doing as I suggested above! Real double whammy for your GPs to be doing this - they are taking the least traumatic option for them but I hope they are crushed by guilt. What a relief for you to find the anxiety lessening after all this time. I admire your strength x

That's true Littlemiss. DS1 didn't believe DD1 when she said she'd been sexually abused by my stepfather. I was angry with him for years, but now I understand that he just couldn't believe something so horrific about someone he loved and looked up to.

They showed up at my home. I wasn't in.

They text. Ignored.

Snuck in the back door like a prisoner and slightly wet myself with nerves

No advice but sending hugs.

Can you get some kind of restraining order?

I know I need to face up and do something. But I will not be hijacked like this. Anything I do will be on my terms.

And now I have to go onto a work call about my grievance (hence needed to get home, otherwise would have stayed out).

You can bet they'll be back later.

little give the police a ring on 101. They may be able to advise them to back the fuck off.

When you feel able to face up to it, that's the time to do it, not under provocation. Like you say, this needs to be on your terms.

Another one sending big non MNsy hugs to you.

I was only trying to be helpful. If they turn up at your door, that's beyond creepy. My XH did that and wouldn't leave. The police couldn't spare a car.

So sorry @PhilomenaButterfly that was directed at my parents and not you(re: doing on my terms. I was referring to me doing something and then showing at my door).

I realise it may have looked like I was snapping, but I promise I was not!

Sorry you had this too with XH

Littlemiss Oh love, I'm so sorry! this is hideous.

Is there anywhere you can stay for a couple of days? just to gey yourself to a safe space?

I agree with calling the police, you have the attack on record, they can help keep your parents away

Oh heck - sitting at the airport I've only just got online today and hoped not to see what I've seen. How did they get into your flat, unless they still have a key ... and if so, would an emergency locksmith be an idea? (unless it's the type you can change yourself?)

This wouldn't, of course, involve you making any decisions on how to handle things until you're ready, but at least it would stop one type of potential unpleasant surprise in the meantime

I also caught up with your other posts, and can't help wondering what the cousin's remark about "being there" meant ... surely they're not trying to bear false witness about something they didn't see, so as to protect these ghastly people?

Anyway, remember as much as you can that, however hideous this is now, it WILL pass. People like this very rarely win in the end, and fortunately their "reputation" among the family, community and all the rest really isn't something you need to worry about

Not really.

I don't really see what police can do as I've not made an official complaint, IYSWIM.

I need to do something about it. But I was just enjoying the peace. Fortunately I had nipped out. Would have probably answered the door as expecting a parcel.

You see, this is why I need to receive the texts. To be one step ahead - and sneak in the back door like a crim (ffs)

No Puzzled SHE snuck in the back door to avoid them at the front - or that was the way I took it! :D

I would send them a text.

“I haven’t text before now as you physically assaulted me and I had to get the police involved. Please leave me alone. If you turn up at my home again I WILL call the police.”

Hugs. They really are a nightmare.

@Puzzledandpissedoff hi ! How was Greece? Hope you had a great time.

They didn't get in. They would have been at communal door. Presume they didn't get access to building.

I had my lock box changed 3 days after the incident, and they've no way of getting into the flat itself. They can technically peer in, but my curtains are shut anyway.

Looks like they're really panicking now.

Yeah, but you called them out and that has to be there somewhere! The fact that you didn't make an official complaint doesn't mean there wasn't paperwork, just no forward action.

Call 101 and have a chat with them.

I think if I do decide to send a text it will be along lines of what counsellor suggested. That's a very big if right now. I don't want to make any threats, or be passive aggressive- even in spite of the situation.

Mainly because I'm neither of these things - and nothing like them

Oops! Not your fault.

Thankfully, my XH is in Mexico now and much happier, looking at bugs (he's an arachnologist). It's frightening when you're trapped in your house. Mine was a first floor flat, so no back door. He was at my flat door, because the prick upstairs buzzed him in. I also had our 6 month old daughter there.