Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

@Whisky2014 I take your point regarding what therapist suggested. But I don't want to say anything overly passive aggressive / make myself look bad here. You may find that strange under the circumstances, but anything I say written down can and will be used against me to wider family. Hence the cautious approach, hence push back to them. If they really don't see the remorse then, there will be NO future.

@ohfourfoxache I don't think blocking completely would be helpful. I would rather have the 'better the devil you know' right now. Blocking them would give me angst they'd show up at my door / friends / work (when I'm back).

Ah, that makes sense

Could you just delete the messages as they come in? I sometimes do that rather than let them fester in my phone. It’s like taking a thorn out before it has a chance of causing an infection

I think keeping the messages gives me the trail. It's like keeping the jumper, the police card, the train tickets..
When they turn this, and they will - I'll have the proof. I always have to defend myself. Sad, but reality.

Yep i agree. So best not say anything at all!

Littlemiss, I've been following your thread and feel you've been very strong, especially considering the strict religious upbringing you've had.
Personally, I think if you do send a text to your parents they will see it as you engaging with them and they have a chance to exert control again. I would just stay quiet and not reply. That way they have no control over you and there is more chance others will see them for what they are as their demeanour might unravel.

"I just don't want to engage"
Trust your instincts and do what suits you best at the time
I am NC with my mother but dh and dc still see her (long story) and the pressure to 'just ...' can be overwhelming. Take your time - sounds like you are doing brilliantly in all the circumstances
Back to the pressure from others to take on your parents - I was abused as a child (by a family member I thought I trusted) and it took me nearly 40 years to even report it, I could only do it anonymously and only then because the abuser is working with young people.
Your abuse is on record and now always will be, you need do nothing more for now until you are ready, if you ever are

So the mother has text again 'oh well I tried'. She really is on another planet. She calls that TRYING??

Of course she’s trying, trying to bring you into her agenda.

Of course she’s not trying to come round to your way of thinking. She’s not capable of it.

Personally I wouldn’t invite discussion by replying to her. I suspect will be more texts designed to provoke a response from you. If it does provoke a response then her manipulative ways have worked.

The only reason to contact her would be if it truly suited your needs at some point in the future. I can’t see how it would benefit you? Can you?

Ah op. I've not read the entire FT, only your posts (laterally). You've come such a long way in so short a time. Blardy well done!

I recognise SO MUCH of what you've experienced - down to religion, scapegoating, violence. I'm well out the other side now - it's been a long journey but the time comes when you do get through to the other side. It's blissful to not have all that in my life any more. Heaven.

A few recommendations (if others haven't posted them?) that have been an invaluable help to me:

• ACA. You'll recognise a lot here. Invaluable support and info. I hope there is a group near you, worth traveling for if not? The literature is priceless.
• You mentioned there isn't a Freedom Programme group locally but also worth traveling for. You can do the (wonderful) course online but imo it's so much better to do it with others.

All in good time though of course! Absolutely no pressure, you've enough on your plate for now.

Has anyone mentioned the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward? Essential reading (though it took me a long time to read bcs I felt too guilty! I'm sure others have mentioned FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. I'm having problems linking but do look up Out of the FOG website).

Lastly, if you're having problems getting through on the Women's Aid national helpline then try your local service.

Keep going. You're doing marvelously 🌸

Laterally?? Not sure what I meant there lol

I like how you call her "the mother" - distancing yourself.

She's poking you by text, trying to provoke a response that will open dialogue. Once you're communicating she can try to alter history and put you in the wrong for the umpteenth time in your relationship.

You're wise not to respond, Littlemissdemeanour. You have nothing to gain by continuing this dreadful relationship, although it must be very painful.

You have a cool, realistic head on young shoulders. We're all here to support you.

Crikey, agree with you op. Any text back is engaging and will fuel this. Ignore and it will become easier as you go.

She means bad as in "you're a bad girl." Like a dog who's just shat on the kitchen floor. Doesn't she realise she's lost control yet?

OP .... that 'you've not text us in 3 weeks... this is very bad' text ... how ridiculous! There's a weird sort of humour in it from an outsider's POV given how she's behaved, from a certain perspective. It's a lot harder to find the humour when it's you who are involved though, maybe.

Keep on keeping on, lovely. It will take a very long time to ride the waves of this, life will never be the same, but you -will- gain freedom from their insidious patterns of control and you've already claimed a sane perspective for yourself.

Indeed. And there's been more texts. Including click bait (I didn't indulge)

Nothing from GP since that call - one week ago. They're BS (like we didn't already know that!)

Cousin who knows (GP daughter) professed to being there bla bla bla. Hey, at least I know where I send.

And it's ALONE.

little . Do you think you'd benefit from getting a second number? That way you can still leave this one open if you'd prefer that, but you can also put it away in a drawer on silent and not have to worry every time you hear a message noise or ringtone?

Oh little miss, this is hard, I know.

The only thing you can do is to do what you feel is best. If you don’t want to reply, just don’t.

You’re right that they are panicked about next weekend, they want to know what’s been said and they want it all to be a nonevent by the time the gp are there.

You do know where you stand - and it’s in a safe place without these manipulative people in it, I know it’s a bit sparse, but you’ll be able to fill it with great friends and that will make things better

I know you don’t feel it, but you really are doing well.

littlemiss I'm angry on your behalf. Such betrayal.

DO you think they might turn up at your door or work? It might be an idea to plan how the hell to deal with it. Tbh if your parents do, it might be best to call the police straight away given their penchant for violence. But if it's your GPs then a plan how to get rid of them more calmly.

Alternatively, keep a record of everything and contact the police or a solicitor on how to take out a no-harassment order.

I’m sorry you feel alone, Littlemiss.... it makes you realise what hypocrites they are when they preach love and acceptance and cast you out with such violence. (I have the same emotional battle scars there!) I was going to suggest having someone at work (receptionist, maybe...) to call the police if necessary. You don’t even have to tell them the story - just that you don’t wish to see any of your family members and if they insist, they are to be told that the police will be called, and to follow through. (Then to record on phone or cctv what parents say and do.) You wouldn’t have to see them in person unless you absolutely wanted to.

You are doing amazing. I'm glad you found the counselling session helpful.

It's so sad that people have shown their true colours but better alone than with people only there to stay part of the drama or fuel the fire

I know it’s all really hard but you are doing so well. You are a brilliant advocate for yourself on here and I sure you will come out of this wiser and stronger. But it’s hard now.

Do whatever you feel comfortable with.

I would reply to the text but that’s ME. I would keep it short and ‘sweet’. Something like “No I haven’t texted as you assaulted and abused me and I had to get the police involved. Please leave me alone.”

Morning all

I've decided not to reply for time being. If that changes, I'll go with what was suggested by counsellor.

Work grievance taking ages to conclude... if I ever get back to work that is! Our building / offices are too big and wouldn't be able to have a word with reception / security- simply wouldn't work. They could always use a fake name too, there that sly. I don't even care about that risk this morning,

If they're going to show up, they're going to. Seems doubtful given how cowardly they've been; ie hide behind text and not call.

GP can go to hell though. I am seething at what they did and the fact not a peep from them. My anger is rising at them.

Stay strong Littlemiss
You're doing amazingly, though you likely don't feel like it at times.