Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

@Renarde1975 Amazing stuff you've posted, and I've gone off to read about HG Tudor. As mentioned by another poster, maybe you'd consider starting your own thread? A lot of useful stuff could reach a wider audience that way. (I can understand why the poor OP could find your posts overwhelming, but also appreciate you're coming from a well-meaning place, maybe you could start another thread and just post a link to it so the OP feels it's less directed at her?)

@Littlemissdemeanour Hope you're getting on ok. I know when I first discovered that people could truly be narcissists in a vile manipulative way, it was an eye opener for me and I read and read and read as much as I could. However, I had already cut contact with the N so discovering all this was far less emotional than what you're experiencing. You must be shell shocked with what's gone on. It's so hard to believe that people who brought you into this world and are supposed to love and nurture you could treat you this way. Coming to terms with this will take a lot of time and help. Hopefully you're able to take a bit of space for yourself regularly and switch your mind off from all this stuff. Good luck.

@Helen

Thank you very much! Very glad you have discovered Tudor.

Yeah. I may just do that, create another thread. I've been toying with the idea all day tbh.

Morning

Quite a lot of things have developed on this thread since I last looked, and it feels like it's taken on another perspective; one that's not based on my posting, or my circumstances. I think it would indeed be a good idea if the PP were to start up a new thread, and wish all the best in doing so.

As for being told what to do from some PP.. no, I still will make my own decisions, based on my own reflections, and impacted by a judgement on my life .. TIA

Can I also add that I don't find it helpful that there are many hijackings (IMO) to loafed psychological terms which connote what I deem as upsetting things. This is really not helpful.

I empathise wholly to everyone on this journey, and those who are indeed further ahead- kudos to you, you have my respect. But let's bear in mind I've been brought up in devout religion, always been told what to do, always been told of all these higher orders. Always been told what to do. Period. I think I've made it clear that no longer washes with me in my multiple previous posts. So why, oh why am I continuing to see it?

As for not trusting people - anyone. NO. I do not accept that everyone is inherently distrustful. Flawed, yes; we all are. But where there is no trust, there is no hope. So none of this dichotomy, TIA. At a time like this, I need HOPE.

Maybe we could go back to where it left off, and less of the righteous pushing things down my throat? Well intentioned whilst some of it may be, you're not respecting MY boundaries, and my posts.

Remember that most replies here do respect your boundaries. I have said from the outset how impressed I am by your strength of mind and your dignity in all this and, from my reading of this thread, I'm far from alone, Littlemissdemeanour.

You're handling this very taxing situation in accordance with your own interests and values. This ensures you won't do anything you regret.

Quite, @Littlemissdemeanour, quite!

I’m away for a day and come back and I’m shocked and having trouble recognizing what’s happened to the thread... and it’s not even my thread, so I can only imagine how you feel. Last time I posted it was a really personal space for you, and your support.

It felt a safe space too, just as it should be.

A safe space for you to share as you need and get support as you need from people who, err, have their own personal reasons for feeling close to you and wanting to support you.

In my imagination, it’s like we were invited to hang out with you by a very quiet and beautiful stream (or glen? Or coffee shop? Bit cold for glens abd streams... unless we can have a heater or two?! Anyway, a nice hang out type of place, wherever... It’s your place, so you get to make it up! Then it kind of feels like someone’s come along and stomped on top of all of it shouting loudly and splashing mud around (& nicking the place by the heater if we’re by the stream, I definitely feel cold this morning!).

Anyway, ignore the flight of fancy! what I’m trying to say is we had settled down into a gentle, quiet, nice kind of supportive place for you, where everyone respects each other and their right to feel and experience things in their own way. And then someone barges in and stomps all over that because nothing is important as what they are shouting shouting shouting very LOUDLY that their way is the RIGHT and ONLY way, and when they are gently and supportively told they might be upsetting the OP, they have the gawl to say that they’re not bothered because the OP MUST feel like that now according to their most important and ONLY WAY.

So just NO.

I was very kind the first time this happened. Hissy and a lot of other posters have carried on being kind now, but that pushy person didn’t pick up on the message quickly because they just heard the kindness as licence to carry on stomping.

So now, I join in saying Renarde please just stop!

This thread is not your own personal playground. The OP has made it clear she isn’t finding your way of posting helpful. Repeatedly. So please. Stop making the OPs personal life experiences about you. And stop projecting.

I wish you well, and it’s clear you are still dealing with a lot of trauma in your life.

I’m sorry that you say you’re hurt at the requests to stop upsetting the OP on her own thread, a vital source of support for her. But you seem to be having trouble identifying other people emotions and treating them with respect when they differ from your own. I’m going to believe that’s because of the point you are in your journey of processing a very difficult time in your life.

But whilst you are still having very extreme reactions due to that trauma, you need to remember that your strength of zeal and need to put a single semi-theoretical model onto human relationship, well, it will be extremely polarising.

And it’s just one lens through which to see the world. Not The Only True Insight on human dynamics and the complexities of psychology and human relationships. I’m glad it’s helping you. And I’d be interested in reading more if it was presented as a completely separate thread, and as just one model to understand how abuse can grow within communities. But I find myself seeing it’s shortcomings when it’s presented as more than that.

Good luck.

Anyway, that’s enough on that.

Littlemissdemeanour, how do we get you back to feeling like before on this thread?

I was impressed by how many people leapt up to say ‘hey now, no!’ over the last 24 hrs (that I wasn’t on here for!)... it’s a lone poster causing the disturbance I think?

Can you ignore the diversion and pick it up where you left it?

How’s life been treating you? I know it’s supposed to be us holding you up, but it really helped me the other night when I shared the problem I was having about the person not believing me. It’s so harmful that kind of thing isn’t it? I’d been sitting on it and not shared it with anyone in rl, so thanks for letting me share it to you and your supporters on here. It helped me get it in perspective again and ‘feel’ how stupid she is rather than just know it in my head! .

I think you’re being very sensible not to be trying to communicate with your parents and the problematic god parents at the moment. It’s damaging to you to be exposed to the ‘alternate reality’ your parents will probably have spun about it all ... like their text etc.

I’m now more applauding the way your instinctively deciding to handle it right now because of that reminder about how damaging it is from my own life. And that woman isn’t related to me, so her words have less power to hurt, yet I was just broken inside for a week before I could even start processing it...

So, bravo wise lady! You carry on, step by step, and remember it is the worse time in your life, it won’t stay this bad

Sorry this got hickacked, Littlemiss... I was quite upset on your behalf and I hope I communicated this in a way that didn’t upset you. I am also completely blown away by your ability to communicate so succinctly. I have said from the beginning that this is why I have complete faith that you will shine. Your emotional intelligence must be genius level.

Hi Littlemiss, just caught up with your thread. You are dealing with everything being thrown at you so well. Only you know what is right for you right now & that is the most ‘important’ thing. You may feel differently 6 months down the line but it is now & today what matters. You asked a question in one of your posts asking how you thought the god parents should have reacted/behaved. I can only speak for how I would have reacted and that would have been to have come to you, listened to everything you said & for me that would have been enough to have held you in the most biggest hug possible and told you that I believe you and would be with you always. I don’t care for keeping people happy just because I have known them for years and am afraid to rock that boat. Fuck that completely!! Excuse my language but my blood boils just at the thought of that. I would trust what my instincts are telling me & most importantly you. I am not one for brushing things under the carpet & neither would I shy away from confrontation if the situation called for it. The most important thing is you, how you feel, the support you need to process everything but more than that to tell you I believe you and I am in your corner. Only you know how you feel and how you want to deal with what’s going on. This is the start where they will try & contact you to manipulate you & make you feel like it’s your fault and it’s all in your head. It’s not!! Do not give in & respond to their texts it will bother them more because they are now no longer in control. Do what feels right for you know. Do not reach out to any family members in the hope they will support & believe you. You will just be feeding the drama and giving your parents more narrative to manipulate. Please use this thread or pm posters you feel understand you. There is plenty of time in the future to understand how narcissists work, for now it is the here & now you need to focus on and even more important you need to look after ‘you’. You may not believe it but to me you are very strong emotionally, to have dealt with events so far so calmly. Right now things are shit, but they won’t be forever and that is all you need to remember. By not engaging with them they have no story, get all the support you need. This is how you will defeat them and change the way you have been treated. They will try and push your buttons to get a reaction to them to be able to tell anyone who listens see I told you she is like that. From now any texts you receive read & file away. If it helps think how annoyed they must be that you are not responding, they are losing control and you are getting that control back. If I knew you I would be there for you supporting you and showing them that you are not alone & isolated. Just from this thread alone you have strangers rooting for you in your corner. They don’t have that.

little I hope the counselling went well on Thursday. You really are handling this very well, despite how you may be feeling.

My experiences are very different from littles. I'm really about 3 years into my journey. Its been slow and arduous. But whilst I like to read into things, I don't find those posts helpful either. They may help the poster, but for me its enough to know my mother is a narcissist, as is my sister and that they're fairly co-dependent without knowing what level they are. Its enough to know my father is a weak weak man and a flying monkey. Its enough to realise that thanks to my mother's control that no one in my family really do know who each other are - we've all had poison dripped in our ears.

little needs to find her path in her way too. She's been pulled rapidly from this, its all new and fresh to her.

Please go NC for your own good. I had a grandmother nowhere near as bad as that, and I'm relieved that she's dead.

How can they do this to you? Because they're scum.

Hi Littlemiss I too refuse to believe we can't trust anyone, we should never believe this, the death of hope is the worst in all this.

I'm about 5 years post NC, and the death of the relationship I had with my mother, the flying monkey that was my father and to an extent, my naive and manipulated sister were excruciating at the time. to begin with when it all happens and people start to show their colours it's just awful to think that everyone is like them.

You do have to raise the drawbridge a bit, to protect yourself initially, but you need proper people to get through this, and they are not as hard to find as you think.

I found in time that my friends are better family than I ever had. they rallied round and showed us how much we were cared for and valued when my DS had a serious accident. my family - without exception - made it all about themselves, it was like an alien world to compare my family's behaviour and attitude with literally everyone else I knew. My friends were shocked at the behaviour they saw.

I know things are painful and feel lonely and bleak, but please know that you have so much healing to come, the family that is no longer in your life will give you the space to spend your time with people who love and care for you. Yes, it will take time to build your life around you, but just think of how safe you will feel, how appreciative and grateful.

I love my friends to the ends of the earth and back, 90% of them have no idea just how special the things they did were to us, but they all know how much we love and appreciate them now :D

So absolutely you can trust people, more people are decent and kind than are like our screwed up families.

For now, you just keep on keeping on, step by step and you will find peace and happiness without them in your life

I think some people are to be trusted too, right down to the bone. Over the years I've been fortunate enough to develop some friends who are rock solid despite being amazingly let down by family (a child should be for life, parents, not just while it's convenient. No decent person jettisons a child just because they're in the way).

Apart from anything else, to think that no one can be trusted is just not fair to the massive integrity, kindness, honesty and steadiness of some people! Old fashoned words maybe but sometimes, they just apply.

I think once your family of origin have destroyed your trust, you learn to be a lot more discerning. But some people are worth trusting, and repay trust in bucketloads.

Littlemiss I hope you're okay

Morning all

I've read what's been said since, and I don't want to stoke the fire further, or feel like I have to defend myself- I've set my boundaries- so I'll firmly park that there and get back to the now.

I had my counsellor last thu. Very helpful. He reckons I continually push parents shame button, and there's a role reversal between parent and child. He clearly articulated it way better. Made sense. He thought I should send one text and take a higher moral ground (my words, not his). Along the lines of 'thanks for your text, however given the assault and abuse and no acknowledgement of this, nor remorse, I don't know where we can go from here'.

I thought I could send the text, but I haven't been able to. So haven't. Not saying I won't, but just haven't.

This morning I had a text from mother saying 'you've not text us in 3 weeks... this is very bad'. Words fail me!!!!!!!

Bad for who?!

It sounds like now would be the perfect time to send your therapists suggested text. It appears unlikely in the extreme that they will ever accept or acknowledge any wrongdoing on their part. Well done for keeping moving and functioning even if it feels hard sometimes. I would consider sending the text and then blocking them for a while, if you feel unable to go NC then just tell yourself it is just for a week or so, baby steps. It isn't helpful for your continued well being for them to have this route to disrupt your feelings etc.

Thing is, I don't even want to engage. It's a new phase for me?

In light of what your mother has texted you this morning then I personally, would not send the text as suggested by your therapist. I think it would just open up the communication and lead to further abusive remarks being sent by your mother and her expecting everything to be hunky dory with you two.

Your mother clearly lives in another world and has no remorse or concept of what she has done to you as being in any way wrong, assault or abuse.

'this is very bad' could be interpreted in lots of different ways. Maybe it's a threat to you that if you don't get in touch then you'll pay the consequences and be cut off / disowned. Maybe it's directed at themselves that they're starting to brick it and lost control over you.

Whatever you choose to do, put yourself first and do not let them reel you back in

I don't know where we can go from here'. is only going to make her reply and suggest things and mire than likely guuilt trip/blame you.
You dont need that. I woukd change it to "there is no future relationship for us".

Or not reply at all. Responses is whayt theyuwill relish in.

I think you know deep down if sending a text is a good thing for you. I agree that sending it off the back of your mother's texts this morning would be more of a dialogue opener and I'm guessing your therapist is suggesting more of a finalising message.

If you aren't feeling strong enough to cope with what they may send back whether that words or delusion then don't send anything.

This is very bad could mean a few things, to me it sounds like they're saying your behaviour is very bad. Which smacks of there not being an apology or acknowledgment forthcoming. But you know them better in order to guess at that.

Morning @PaleRider1 yep, that's pretty much how I feel. Whilst I want to defend myself as it were, set the tone... I also don't want to engage in a dialogue that they'll so inevitably drive as taking the higher order here. No acknowledgement or remorse as to the why - noted.

As for the 'this is very bad'. I would bet my bottom dollar this is them now panicking that this will be exposed to wider family, and people they know - ie where is littlemiss.

Also, the large family holiday in December. This will panic them.

Oh and GP I presume are still going ahead to stay with them next weekend, so they'll be worrying what to say.

As ever, no concern for me. Note no are you ok ?

@OhLookHeKickedTheBall yeah I read it too like - you are very bad LM. If it weren't that way you'd think some apology may be forthcoming. But no.

Would it be better for you to block them completely? Just a thought and I certainly don’t want to tell you what to do, but perhaps not even wanting to engage shows the major shift in thinking you’ve had?