Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

Evening all

But of a struggle today TBH. Not helping that I'm mid grievance at work and therefore not in, so a LOT of time to [over]think.

I agree that my parents would indeed say some BS like 'you don't know what it's like' to the outer, and that my GP's are conditioned themselves. They signed up to protect me should anything happen at my baptism, and professed they would at the outset (even suggesting I move closer to them, as they're my 'family' now). Yet, when it came down to it, they did exactly what parents did; pushed it all back to me as rationale against their own inaction/ shortcomings.

A large part of me does what to send something to set out the magnitude of the situation, and so I've a record myself. I've gone through so many scenarios in my head. Ranging from hurt to pure fury and crazy ideas like threatening them like they have me: if you don't seek counselling for YOUR behaviour, I'll report you. I realise that's wholly wrong, and haven't sent it.

As for therapy; yes, got another session on Thu. Will be discussing this in full, and concluding (maybe, possibility) what direction to go in next). No action until then- don't worry!

Dont put too much stock in what a godparent is.

Aw ding virtual hugs and flowers OP.

Overthinking things is a doom I know intimately.
In your case, I'd say you were justified in it playing on your mind though.

Not any advice I can give that hasn't already been said.
You know you're better than all these people. You know you've done nothing wrong. You know you're the one with head held high, even when it feels like it's falling off.

A good long talk with a counsellor will hopefully help.

Till then, the only response you need to give them, is a middle finger and to blow a raspberry in their general direction.

OP

I’m sending you all my best wishes and hugs.

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through with your parents and all their supporters.

You must keep writing here and build a new life for yourself that doesn’t involve them in it. You will feel like you can breathe again. You’re utterly correct in your conviction that they are horrible people. Stick to it and don’t allow yourself to be possibly abused again.

Take it from me who went through it- there is peace and mental clarity on the other side.

Lots of hugs to you today

Once again very wise to resist the temptation to write; you know perfectly well it would bring no results, beyond possibly enabling them to claim they're victims, so it was certainly the right thing to do

The internet here is almost non-existent so I've no idea if this will post, but very much thinking of you anyway and keeping fingers firmly crossed for you on Thursday

Fantastic! You have a plan and you’re sticking to it! It’s a day by day process, but you’re making the right moves for you! And you’re safe.

Everyone and everything else can be tuned out while you focus on you and how to help yourself through this!

BRAVO!! 😊

I am in awe of your ability to step back from your instinctive emotional reactions and your resolve to refuse to be manipulated by these people. Once you have worked your way through counselling, you will make a life for yourself with friends and happiness because emotionally you are a balanced and healthy individual. Which is truly remarkable given your background. Bravo!

Hi OP... just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you today. I know you’ve got a lot to go through with your counsellor and I’m waving again from Australia to let you know you’re not alone. X

I kind MN'er sent me a PM yesterday which I've just picked up today pointing me back to this thread.

No OP, I have NOT come to gloat. I am still here to offer advice. But before I do, let me present my credentials as it were. I almost did it before but was very unsure how it would be perceived.

I have just turned 43. This is the first time in my life (this last year) where I have not bee subjected to Narcissistic abuse. So yes, 42 years. Began with my two N parents and has been present in pretty much every intimate relationship I have ever had. I had suffered physical, sexual, emotional, psychological and even financial abuse at the hands of Ns. I have been raped (multiple times), had my consent violated sexually (repeatedly), I have been slapped, chocked, pushed. I have attempted suicide twice, once in March of this year where, tbh, I'm very suprised (but glad!) to be here! :-)

I have been subject to pretty much every kind of manipulation; these are the Hoovers and the Power Plays. Why? Because I am an Empath and a pretty rare one to boot. In fact, so rare am I that I repeatedly approached by Ns.

In the autumn of 2017, I found the writing of H G Tudor. A fully evolved, malignant (diagnosed!) psychopath. Tudor is doing something very intresting indeed, he has gone 'rogue'. As he is self-aware, he is in the very unique position of being able to explain how and why he manipulates others for his own gain.

Here's a thing. Pretty much EVERYONE who puts up a post on the Relationship board here are also Empaths. It would take too long to explain the intricacies of N theory (or rather N-E theory) except to mention because of the abuse I have suffered, I am writing a book titled 'Fear, Fuel and Fury'. The first draft is very nearly finished.

Here's a very quick precis.

Ns operate for three reasons. The Prime Aims.

1 - Fuel to function
2 - Fuel to maintain the Facade
3 - Residual benefits

'Fuel' is another name for Narc Supply.

The golden rule. All Ns care about is finding sources of fuel. Fuel is energy, it is emotion and fuel comes in two flavours, positive or negative.

Fuel can be provided by any human but the best sources of fuel come from the Empaths. We are their prey.

Ns are unable to love or feel compassion. They cannot be healed. They are not mentally unwell as defined under DSV VI. Above all, they do not posses affective empathy

I make no apologies for my bolding here...

Tudor places the number of Ns in society at a shocking 1 in 6. But here's the thing. The majority of Ns who are operating do not know they are Ns. They are not-self aware and nor will they EVER be. The reasons for this are complex but will happily explain if anyone wishes.

Tudor is FULLY self-aware. He is making it his goal to 'weaponise' as many Es as possible hence the sharing of how he operates. I would not call him my friend but I do consult him, sometimes by phone and sometimes by email. He is charming, intelligent, witty, funny, articulate and a great writer to boot. Word on the street is that he's a superlative 'swordsman'.

To go further.

Every human has N qualities. Every single one of us. A sub section of the Ns posses no cognitive empathy. That is, the ability to read facial expressions and verbal inflections etc and 'mirror' back the correct response. Tudor names these ones the lessers. They are always unevolved.

The Middle rangers posses cognitive empathy but no affective empathy. Affective empathy is the ability to sense others' emotions and feel them inside their own bodies as if it was there own emotion. Middles do not 'get' that what they are doing is wrong. They manipulate but it is done instinctively.

All Empaths MUST hold the twin pillars of cognitive and affective empathy to be considered as an Empath AND have these two qualities in much greater abundance than the rest of the population.

The Greaters are almost always highly intelligent, and because they are self aware, they are able to deliberately manipulate others.

OK, so the other thing about this board is that there are Ns posting here too. I can usually spot them. They are the ones who send out all those cruel remarks, kicking an OP when they are down. You know, the ones that MN remove? That's an N in action getting 'fuel' from the distraught OP and the other posters.

You know, I could go on and on about this - I could write a book! Oh wait, I have! but I don't want to derail the thread. Next post is for you, OP.

Littlemiss. I have just come across this thread and wanted to send my deepest sympathy and support to you. I'm glad to hear you are going for therapy today. One thing that crossed my mind is how you can move on with your life and build a new life outside your family. I was wondering if you might be interested in volunteering in a homeless shelter, hospital or home for the elderly during the Xmas period. Something like that might give you something else to focus on and give you a 'new' tradition to concentrate on at Xmas rather than sitting on your own at this very family orientated time of the year. Just a thought.

OK OP. Here is my interpretation of what has happened and my recommendation of how to go forward.

OP, you were unfortunate enough to be born to two Ns. This happens more than you would think. The natural prey for an N is an E but unevolved Ns are not always able to secure an E as fuel source and may couple with their own kind. This is a flawed relationship as neither can really fulfill the others' fuel requirements. As you observe, the background is utterly toxic.

Your F is a lesser. This is evidenced by his fury which is 'everpresent' (and which he has little or no control over by the way).

Your F is a very dangerous man

You know those two women who die every week at the hands of their partner? Yeah, that's the work of the lessers. Usually because the Empath has threatened to leave them and has told them to their face.

Your M is a middle. She has much better control over her fury but it is still there. Again evidenced by your OP. Incidentally, there are more male Ns than female but most females are middles. It is unknown why either of these things are the way they are).

All Ns have a fuel matrix. This is a combination of primary, secondary and tertiary sources. There are also the Lieutenants (flying monkeys) and the minions. In your case, OP, you were functioning as a Non Intimate Secondary Source or NISS.

Your GP's are Lieutenants. If they were 'thriving' on drama, good chance they are also Ns. I don't know enough from the OP to place their 'school'. It's possible one may be a Greater but I doubt it. Don't preclude that though OP. They are not to be trusted. God help you if you have a Greater in the mix. (If this turns out to be the case then feel free to PM me. I know this kind intimately).

My advice going forward.

You've Got Out. Now you need to Stay Out (GOSO). This will involve a complete cessation of all forms of communication with the following

Ps
GPs

Everyone else now in your family must potentially labelled as a lieutenant or minion. This may mean you are alone. Good! Because if you are not talking then no information is getting back to Ps. No info = no Fuel. No information = no leverage.

I have read your other posts since I left the thread. As expected, the inevitable malign and benign Hoovers are there. All designed to ignite your Empathy or Anger - or give emotional responses.

You cannot stop a Hoover being deployed but you can make it harder for them to reach you. Standard advice is change all your numbers. Block and delete everywhere.

Another observation, it's highly likely a smear has been deployed by your Ps. I would imagine it predates the incident in the OP too. Nothing you can do except just don't react.

I'll close. Being alone may sound scary but trust me; it's for the best. In any case, you are not alone, you have us!

Renarde this is mostly for you xx (((HUG)))

I think your book sounds amazing - an insight into Narcs in the same vein as Why Does He Do That is an insight into abusers, it'll help so many people!

I wrote a massive post before I read your one to LIttlemiss and perhaps it would have come across as the same as has been levelled at you, so I'll edit and hope that you appreciate how much I admire your generosity and kindness. Hope I don't make a hash of it

I remember when I emerged from under the FOG, and out of the abuse of the ex. it was all interlinked in the end. Very common. I got out for want of a better expression.

I was around your age Renarde when I had the similar epiphany that you have had. I probably sounded a lot like you back then too. But it was all so clear, I felt superhuman, the elation was amazing!

Given everything that has happened here I believe it's important to remember that Littlemiss is at a very different, sensitive and vulnerable place to where you/we are now. a bomb has gone off in her life. her ears are still ringing. For me, the best anyone can do for her is to listen, to nod, to tell her we know and understand and that we also know she will come through this, because we have.

WE ALL hoped and continue to hope that someone will come through for Littlemiss that her family isn't all made up of people like her parents. We are all preparing ourselves to be most likely wrong, LIttlemiss included but it's vital and kind that we go through this exercise so that reality isn't too brutal.

Your advice to look at all the players as Lieutenants or minions isn't far from the truth, but to someone who is just waking up to all this, it translates in Trust No-one, they're all out to hurt you.

That's terrifying.

If you are standing there, stripped of all truth, reason, friends, family, it feels like a layer of skin is gone and you are raw and everything hurts to the core. While it may be sensible and considered advice, the delivery may very well be too much for someone who is not ready to hear it.

You are further on in your journey than LIttlemiss and I in many ways am further on in mine than both, the ONLY thing this means is that we get greater distance and perspective and things feel a little less raw. We know there is no shortcut however, the most painful truths need to be got out repeatedly, examined and put back until they no longer overwhelm.

I could see in every word that you wrote before and now that you care passionately about helping others to navigate what you found so excruciating, so that they don't suffer a second longer than they need to, but sadly they HAVE to go through the agony, they have to have their wounds opened, dressed and healed in their own time.

Hey OP, few more thoughts.

A large part of me does what to send something to set out the magnitude of the situation, and so I've a record myself. I've gone through so many scenarios in my head. Ranging from hurt to pure fury and crazy ideas like threatening them like they have me: if you don't seek counselling for YOUR behaviour, I'll report you. I realise that's wholly wrong, and haven't sent it.

NC is precisely that. NC is there for three reasons

1 - providing extra fuel
2 - giving you time and space to pause and reflect and to begin to heal
3 - NC is the one weapon in the E's armour that has lethal consequences. It badly hurts the N. It is the theromnuclear weapon. It damages them as they are being ignored. They perceive it as rejection rather than an enfocing of boundaries. Ns cannot bear to be ignored and the thought of being rejected brings them out in a cold sweat. Even Tudor struggles to write about NC, it 'triggers' him.

Potentially, it can lead to a fuel crisis if they are not able to 'suck up' energy elsewhere. Alas, your Ps have plugged that one by the usage of the GPs. Is there also mention of a brother somewhere in this?

As for therapy; yes, got another session on Thu. Will be discussing this in full, and concluding (maybe, possibility) what direction to go in next). No action until then- don't worry!

Therapy is good! Make sure that your therapist has worked with past survivors of Narcissistic abuse though as you'll just go round in circles. I suggest you immediately drop the therapist if they try to encourage you to talk to your parents. It won't work. Others' on here have had that happen. They attest it's the worst thing they could have done.

It obviously breaks NC. Your parents would never accept blame for what they have put you through. If they do apologise, it's lip service just in order to get you back and functioning as a NISS. You'll be granted a brief 'golden' time but then the manips. will start again. You will also be punished for your transgression on the NC.

The need to have the last word; I get that, I really empathise but the simple fact is; you can't. (Although it is a very E trait). Nor can you get answers from them as to why you have been treated this way. I can give you answers but the best source is Tudor himself - narcsite.com

Reynarde ... I'm really sorry that you too have had to walk this path of NC. Just to echo hissy a bit, I'm just thinking that too much info too soon can be overwhelming. Sometimes less is easier to absorb and understand

OP I hope you're okay. One day at a time.

Your advice to look at all the players as Lieutenants or minions isn't far from the truth, but to someone who is just waking up to all this, it translates in Trust No-one, they're all out to hurt you.

No, not necessarily. It's just a question of identifying who to trust. Who is safe to trust.

My own weaponisation was a great day and I remember it very well. I was at that point not ready to believe certain key things about my life. In the end, that knowledge came too late but it did come.

I fully understand the import point that Littlemiss takes the first step. I understand totally the FOG of confusion. That's why the NC is so important.

However, it's the lesser F that worries me because his fury is so close to the surface.

I could offer hugs and sympathy/empathy and in fact, that's why I originally posted. The OP does have my empathy. But, in the end, I am not prepared to alter my writing style as I don't really think it serves any benefit. I've been on these boards in one form or another for ten years and have often hand held and posted OP's myself.

Even a cursory examination of the relationship board and just from the titles alone, I can pretty much work out what's gone on. No special skill in this; anyone can do it. I lurked for a good few months doing this, reading a fresh title, predicting the outcome then watching the thread as it unfolds like clockwork. When I was confident that I could predict then I began to answer some threads.

But thank you @Hissy for your kind words on the book

@SeaEagle

Just to echo hissy a bit, I'm just thinking that too much info too soon can be overwhelming.

It IS overwhelming, it cannot be mitigated, downplayed or explained away or undersold. To understand the theory requires scaffolding. An incomplete understanding can be dangerous.

Believe me, I could write a lot more. What's above is just the basics. The evolution for an E from not self-aware to self-aware is a very steep learning curve. I make zero apologies for that although I completely appreciate your standpoint and views and I utterly get where you are coming from.

Your advice to look at all the players as Lieutenants or minions isn't far from the truth, but to someone who is just waking up to all this, it translates in Trust No-one, they're all out to hurt you.

No, not necessarily. It's just a question of identifying who to trust. Who is safe to trust.

I know, but that is YOU talking with a thicker skin than someone whose bruises are still physically and literally visible.

You are still projecting your journey on Littlemiss, we all understand and appreciate the reason for this, however it is as SeaEagleFeather says Too much too soon.

You are still 'Making Recommendations'

That's not going to fly here. not at the moment when she has parents who have told her what to do and not do, her own trusted GodParents now shouting at her to do what THEY tell her and NOW! And now you are back making recommendations to someone who wishes it would all just go away,

Imagine if you will that she is metaphorically in a dream where her parents are loving, kind and want to make sure she's safe and happy, all the things she wants them to be

You are doing the equivalent of shaking her awake rather than letting her rouse naturally and deal with the realisation that a new and very scary dawn has broken.

Your predictions are your superpower, this i feel has tendencies of narc in itself, it's your coping/healing mechanism, I understand. Been there, done that, and now come out the other side. I know you get your own personal truth, you have to help (not badger) others to see theirs.

I know your efforts come from a position of care and love, which is why I have always defended you, but you do have to listen more and empathise than swoop in and give the answers.

My skin is far thick. I wish it were . Writing is my therapy. I'd have gone mad without it.

I feel like a Cassandra tbh. I took my time over the previous posts to attempt to get tone correct.

I took my time today. I'm going to bow out. Again, there's no point.

In tears.

It's possible that littlemiss might come back in future, re-read your posts and get a lot out of them Renarde. I'm certain no one wanted or meant to upset you. Mumsnet can be plain speaking at times! (which is usually a good thing but can bruise a bit).

Just at this moment though, the focus needs to be on littlemiss.

Sorry Renarde as I say, we all know you mean well and we can all read between the lines, just being there for others is enough, you don’t have to fix them or save them, I know why you do what you do, but it’s so full on and it will engulf

I don’t know if you have ever had a thread of your own, but it’s even more intense reading posts sent to you about your own real life stuff. It’s so very personal, so if others unrelated see too much pressure or a potentially overwhelming post, the op will see that 100times over, and in this case especially over the words on a screen all nuance and softness is lost, so perhaps my posts feels stronger than I intended, it’s well worth remembering that any posts directly to the op will be even more potent.

Your insight is invaluable, i think it’s best in these situations to allow it to be invited tho, so that the op can take what they need when they need it, and when they can handle.

You’re an asset to mumsnet, don’t forget that (((hug)))

Thank you very much @Hissy. That means a lot to me.

If I've offended anyone, that was not my intention. Please accept my apologies.

Tbh...should not have posted today. That's my fault. As I say, I find writing, any writing, a distraction. Presently, I am under the influence Emotional Thinking (ET) and I should have been more self-aware

The last thing I want is to be a distraction. I will lurk from now on in unless anyone does have a question that they perceive might help the OP. In which case, I will happily answer.

I am genuinely thinking about you OP.

Thankyou too @Eagle

Renarde, I know you think that you mean well, but you describe yourself as an empath and then talk about writing being your therapy. When you were gently told to back off, you responded about all the time you put into getting the tone right and that you were in tears - This is not about you at all. This is about the OP and what she is going through. You can’t use other people’s pain as your own sounding board. It’s entirely narcissitic and you need to realise look at how much space you have taken up pushing your own agenda.