Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

do you think it was right of them to say nothing and continue to Skype?

To be quite frank, no I don't. I'd have thought any normal person would want to distance themselves from folk capable of this, though I appreciate family dynamics may complicate that for them even if they knew nothing of what was happening - which might be unlikely

Thanks puzzled. I feel the same too. I guess I needed to know IWNBU!

You're very welcome, Littlemiss - as Hissy rightly said, many of us have been through hideously abusive situations ourselves and we know very well that this isn't easy

By the way, I'm off to Greece for a week tomorrow; I'll still check in occasionally, but I didn't want you to think one of your band of caring supporters had disappeared completely

Thanks both- really sorry to know it’s affected you too. I hope you’ve got some peace as you’ve moved on with your respective lives - and that’s for anyone who has been here.

As for Greece - enjoy! Fabulous time to be going away (just as I’ve got the heating back on!).

Safe travels

Many thanks, but the forecast says rain all week ... am praying they're wrong!!

If it’s iphone forecast- you know it’s wrong! It’s so changeable this time of year anyway

I too think that whole Skype thing is really out of kilter. At best they wanted ‘proof’ of the abuse by provoking it to happen in real time in front of them like some kind of drama for their own benefit, with no care for the pain or the trauma that they would cause by demanding this... and yes, this is my ‘at best’ scenario!

I guess justified in their own warped heads as needing to see it with their own eyes, before they would actually believe it was happening. Which is really awful with the implications in their demands.

Or it’s openly because they want to insert themselves in the drama and are attracted to the heightened emotions and tensions, and are desperate to get involved and well, get a kick out of it.

Yeuch either way. And not worth bothering about.

I had hoped they were ‘weak but good’ people, it’s really sad they don’t even get to hold that dubious title love

And yes, about my own situation that raised its head this this... I am completely sure I made the right decision not to go further with a prosecution. My decision was made both easier and harder because it was about someone (a trusted adult) who abused my little boy. Thank god my darling boy is lovely and literal sometimes and didn’t get caught up in guilt and fear and pressure not to tell mummy, he told me straight away because ‘that’s what you always told me to do mummy’ thank god. But it was easier to decide to pull out of taking it further, as I had to focus on DS’s well-being, and i could see the damage the questioning was starting to do, and then I got several different sources of expert advice which pulled no punches about how hard it would be for us and how difficult getting a conviction would be. It was harder because I felt the weight of a duty to protect other children... you know how much posters were making you (wrongly!) responsible for your mothers mental health patients? Well, it was like that but soooo much worse where child abuse is concerned. It was all on me to stop him hurting any children in the future... just us, and I was supposed to just sacrifice ds for potential future children. The pressure was horrendous and this was one reason I kicked back when people were doing that to you! Thank goodness the police woman who was lovely & our main contact said very firmly that no, it’s not me and ds’s responsibility to take on. She said it was the legal systems job to take responsibility for that, and ultimately, actually, the man himself. Not mine, not ds. And she was really great in saying it’s my job to look after and protect my son, and I have to put him first, because no one else will. So I did... and refused to bring him in again. And it all got dropped.

So, since then ds and me have done a lot of healing and he’s more sensitive, but ok now. He had counselling after which helped.

Tbh I’m still reeling but I don’t show it to him. I was abused as a child so it brought it all back big time... mine was emotional mainly (by my parents - snap! Hi fives you! Then realised that’s not actually a good club to be in, sorry!)..., but still, it raked it up again for me, which is why this week was so upsetting probably.

So, one thing we did was I told our GP (doctors, I mean, confusing initials now)... and they make it feel real. So I have to remember before I get pulled down this ignorant selfish woman’s rabbit hole... that:

• the police believed him (& me)
• the GP believed us
• the head teacher believed us
• and the helplines and legal bods I talked to believed us
• and the counsellor believed him (& me)

So one ignorant woman who wants to pretend it’s just ‘an incident between X and yourself’ is just plain WRONG. But it’s so twisted that it hurts... she even decided she had the right to tell me not to talk about it?!?!? Sorry, not talk about something that happened to my son?!?! What the hell?! Who gave her permission to decide? But to her it’s not got anything to do with my son, it’s just two adults... because she’s minimised abd minimised, and bought into that sick mans lies... and forgotten that she’s not dealing with some kind of annoying customer complaint or something. FFS. I think her behaviour is almost worse than the original assault.

Anyway, sorry, that’s me keeping you company by whining all over your thread! Xxxxx

Oh sorry op. Unfortunately they have had many more years of being conditioned by your parents, that this incident is not going to change their minds. It is far easier for them to believe your parents then Admit they judged your parents badly. Hence making you do more to ‘prove’ what happened.

Your parents have had many years to lay down their narc narrative and until they turn on your gps, there is nothing you can do except thank the gods you are no longer subject to their ongoing abuse.

Remember you have the opportunity to lay charges when/if you are ready later. Block them all and don’t enter any dialogue because you just give them a platform to argue with you.

Concentrate on you, your recovery and your journey to live a life that would never have been possible while you were beholden to them.

Every sympathy WellThisIsShit.

Son and I are sailing in the same boat as you and your son and with the same denial from some people (not the police or school). It's really fucking shit.

that Skype thing with GodParents demanding you sent a message while they were talking to the parents was WEIRD!!

They ARE thriving on the drama, all this hand-wringing etc - I suspected this at the outset, but hoped I was wrong. I know that you found
@Renarde messages very hard to swallow and felt they were pushy, but she absolutely DID call it on the GP.

The things that hit us hardest are the ones closest to home. I think even you knew at the time that she meant the best for you, perhaps her delivery was too forceful, but she did it out of love/concern for you. You are not under attack from any one of us here, we all know the path you are walking on and even meaning the very best, can sometimes jar if the truth is too awful to contemplate.

You wanted her to be wrong, we all wanted her to be wrong, but your GP ARE NOT people who will help you, your other uncle too. He doesn't want to get involved and tbh, can't say I blame him, it's a hiding to nothing, he loses whatever he does. He will no doubt have his own issues with your parents.

'Losing' my parents was the hardest thing, the most hurtful thing I have ever had to experience. my god it hurt, every single day, for weeks and months. the first thought of the day, the last and loads in between that I don't matter at all to them, that they wish me harm, my DC harm.

It does get easier love, it really does. It takes a long time though.

As I said, expect downs, expect upset at contact. It still hurts, but over time passes quickly.

Hissy what a great post!
The part where you wrote about your own parents actively wishing you and their grandchildren harm - how on earth do you explain that evilness to those brought up in normal families?
I also agree with what you wrote about Renarde. She knew exactly what she was talking about as must have unfortunately gone through similar and understands the dynamics and nuances. She was very astute.
But yes - it is too much to process in one lump.

Even now, it crossed my mind to extend an invitation to her once DS and I have moved to new house, one more try without her vile H to see if she can pick up the olive branch and have some kind of relationship with us.

Then (and this is 5 or 6 years on) I remembered the confused and hurt look on my DS face at being made to keep clothes on that were so small they left a mark on his tummy, buttons of the jumper gaped by 3 inches. Twice he asked her if he could change back into his school clothes, and twice she told him that it would 'really hurt her feelings if he changed out of them'

I never raised it with her, because she would deny it. It hurts, not as much as before, but it hurts. I was angry at myself for allowing that to happen to DS, but how would I have known she'd do that to him? That's crazytown stuff!

I know I'm not believed entirely, I get that and understand that nobody WANTS to believe that they know people who would do this to others, to little children, to their own kids. Crazytown.

I know this post is nothing to do with the OP situation, but I'm offering it here to show that even years later we wrestle with this stuff, and it's OK, to be expected and doesn't scare us anymore. We have control over who is and isn't in our lives.

I suppose the only thing I can do is discuss it with DS now he's older and see if HE wants to have a relationship with her again - he's bigger now and she would not be able to harm him.

OP I think that your GPs are very confused but I am not convinced that they are after the drama. I think they have carried on talking to your parents and your parents are doing a good job of being ‘jolly and normal’. They also don’t want to believe what went on as it’s so awful.You are stronger than them (even though you may not feel it) and know enough is enough. It maybe a case (for GPS) of ‘we can’t get our heads round this’ - we’ll know if we can actually see it with our own eyes. They should know better. Also some of the PPs on here come over as a bit hysterical and conspiracy theorist but you come across as very hurt but sane and level-headed. You are a star.

to everyone on this post who's suffered too.

Just to add to hissys post, similar with my parents. After nearly a year since my mother cut my and the DC out, she called this week out of the blue and I stupidly answered without checking who was calling. I let her talk, said nothing to her of her behaviour as I knew it would be minimised and that if I did say something everything would be swing round to me. I also started contemplating what would happen if my parents wanted to meet up again. I whirred round and round before realising that she just tried gaslighting me again and didn't offer any apology. Until that happens, then no there wont ever be another meet up with them.

The phone call was all about making them look good, probably to others. Nothing out of concern or love for me or my DC.

Then to confound things my father messaged me saying I'd made a good start with my mother. Yes I had made a good start - as in she clearly hadn't done anything wrong to start with. He was roundly ignored as I didn't feel fuck off was going to be helpful.

Issues with my parents go a lot deeper than just this incident of course, but the pull was still there. I could have easily fallen back into the routine of 'normal'. It didn't help that my MIL assumed we'd all go back to normal after that either as though she has family fall outs in her family, they aren't this level of crazytown.

No one goes against my mother, she's positioned herself as central to everything to ensure that. As such she cut my DC off from their entire maternal family when it suited her. It was only when my father made some contact that they spoke to someone from that side. Yes, that's made me angry as hell but I've taken it as proof my family aren't any support network to me or my DC. They've been too conditioned.

Hissy if your mother was pulling emotional blackmail stuff to keep your son in completely inappropriate clothes, she'll pull it with other things too. That kind of emotional blackmail is so destructive .. she might never be safe for your son to have contact with :/ sorry

Afternoon all

@wellthisisshit I agree they wanted ‘proof’. And to hell at the emotional cost it would be to me. I don’t think they are inherently bad. I think, as you say, they’re weak when it comes down to it- and shouldn’t have promised to ‘support’ me as vehemtly as they could (to only later hand the baton back). In essence, I had to undertake steps to earn this support. BS.

I’m so very sorry about your DS. And whilst not comparable directly, I do see the point about the pressure. I did feel it- from a lot of directions. I’ve had pressure all my life, and I’ve mainly confirmed. But I’d like to think I’m a more balanced person now, and that’s why I reacted to the pressure by setying boundaries in my time. Whilst PP may have been on point with foresight, I had to live it out myself to see it for myself. Hard as it’s been.

I’m so glad that you took the decision right for you, and that you were believed by the list above. Please add myself and the rest of MN to that.

Thank you so much for continuing to help me, and I hope DS is thieving with such a level headed and loving Mum

@aussiebean thanks - I agree they find it hard to believe. I think they did a first, and I’m not saying they don’t per se, but they’re seeing my parents behaviour of normality as a sign that it’s ‘not so bad’. Despite seeing the evidence, despite all the parallels in the behaviour they’ve see themselves. I can’t change them, I can just change how I respond to it (speaking of which, hurry up counsellor session on thu!)

@lominfid sorry to read of your situation - sending you strength

@hissy yes, the Skype request was thriving in drama. And if I had done this, and my parents hadn’t responded, what would they have said then? Just another game to ‘prove myself’. Whilst Renarde May have predicted what could have happened, no one (least of all me!) could have really known, and I wanted to believe in the greater good in people and thus I put my now misplaced faith there. It was pushy at the time I felt, and I said so. I acknowledge her experience, and that it too has happened to me, but had to see it for myself IYSWIM?

I’m really sorry it’s happened to you you- it’s grieving for someone who is effectively dead, yet very much still alive. It plays with your head.

@nagaram I agree they’re confused. Although I would trust my integrity that If I ever find myself in their place, I would do more. My parents are putting on a show, as per. In spite of all the evidence there is to the contrary of their die, my GP had decided it’s too much strife and ‘I’m not going to stop speaking to my sister over this’. Thing is, I never asked her to. Her words, not mine.

Some Christians they all are. Sorry if that offends anyone, not intended in that way. I’m just questioning their values holistically here.

@ohlookhekickedtheball I’m sorry for your situation. I canntoyally envisage that. And totally read your ambivalence to engage further in it without being gaslighted. Basically, my life!

Oh I agree with you 100%, I know what it’s like to have a thread you’ve written, all the responses are so much more powerful than the person writing them thinks they are. I know you felt bulldozed a bit, and I’m glad that even so, you’re able to see it was bulldozing with love (grin)

Yeah, you’re right, we DO have to see it for ourselves, we do have to let them do what they do, to see how far they’ll take it I suppose

Sad thing is that many of us have walked these paths and CAN predict the future actions of these people, but there’s no short cut to getting through this, we have to take each well trodden step ourselves, nobody can do it for us

I’m so disappointed in your god parents, it’s a shame they have decided to be like this, but don’t forget they are products of the same tree. It would have been nice for you to have the support, but it’d be super rare as anyone on the outside wouldn’t want to accept the truth for what it was, because it’s Crazytown, you couldn’t make it up...

I wish none of this had happened to you, or to anyone

Seafeather yeah, you’re right. No way back. None whatsoever. Very sad indeed :(

@hissy thank you. Thing I can't get over is godmother raising voice and saying 'we can't do anything if you don't have the guts to press charges' - she said this over and over again.

Then god father taking the phone, trying to instruct me to send a message saying 'do you know what you did to me'. I tried to explain why this would not be helpful, and what gaslighting was, but deaf ears. They actually said I have to draw a line under and move on. Yeah right.

Oh god! The draw a line! That was on one of the early “this is what will happen” posts wasn’t it? God I hate that the script is soooo predictable

Mind you... if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be a script then would it?

Ok, now you know what they are. They are flying monkeys. You have to cut them out, or starve them of (a) drama and (b) opportunities to stir any up, or to allow your parents to hurt you further

Sadly you have to be prepared to blocks them too. That’s how far you have to be prepared to take it

Yep; they're cowards IMO. They loved it when the drama was rife- waiting for police call etc. Then contact was very, very limited. I don't have to prove myself to them.

God help all of them and their Christian values.

Ah yes the 'Christians'. We have some of these next door. I had a woman wake me up at 7.15am on Sunday trying to waltz in dressed up to the nines saying she was here for the prayer meeting. When I explained it wasn't here she argued and said it was until she looked me up and down in disgust at me being in my nightie and then said my number was wrong on my gate (?!). No apology. Then had to listen to the earnest-yet-boastful oh-so-loud conversations from next door. 7.15am!!!!

littleMiss, pm'd you.

Somehow there seems to be a whiff of your GPs trying to control you too, here. All this "you must do this, you must do that". Given how they are closing their eyes to what they in their hearts know happened, even if you did everything they want to - and why the bloody hell should you - they'd still probably try to normalise things back to the old status quo.

They have decades of a certain relationship with your parents and they probably don't want to lose that, even though they know they should

It's shit. It's so lonely and you have to reassess all the love you thought you had from them. But it -does- get easier in the long run. You learn to live around it and with it and you fill your life with richnesses from other things; healthy relationships, hobbies, work, study, your own home. (and quite honestly, quite a bit of therapy).

I'm sad your family are following the script. It is in our nature to hope that our family will be different, and they so seldom are.

In years to come this thread will be a journal you can come back to again and again when you start to doubt yourself, and you can use it to teach yourself that yes, it was them and not you, yes, they are batshit crazy and yes, you are the sane, strong, good and sensible one.

Oh my darling... I am so glad I chose today to check in on you. You are going to go forwards and backwards with this for a while. It’s ok, and it’s perfectly normal. I know exactly where you are at. My guess is that your parents are telling everyone that you have been “like this since you were little” and telling them porkies and exaggerations, putting you in the scapegoat position again. (To minimize their terrible, terrible behaviour.) I’m so sorry. Apart from isolating you, it’s humiliating and so very painful. You need friends. You need people around who have chosen you WITHOUT the input of family members. These are people who can see your true value without any obligation simply by virtue of birth - it is so much more valuable to your self-esteem right now. Please be with those people and trust their judgement. You will eventually find that when you are around family members you will find yourself “monitoring” your behaviour - it’s exhausting. You will be constantly trying to prove that you are not the person you have been painted as by your parents instead of your authentic self, as you are around your friends - when you are open and honest and vulnerable even.... Eventually can even be brave around them. You may not feel it yet, but you have made some giant leaps in self evolution. I know how brave you are being and you are amazing.