Abusive parents- I phoned the police. Now what?

[Littlemissdemeanour]

Long time poster.

I’m very confused about what happened last night, what to do; and I’m writing it all down as to not minimise it, and hopefully get some help - I’ve no one to share this with.

I was visiting parents (another town), and an argument ensued about a family matter. Yes, drink had been consumed, but not, in my opinion, to excess.

My mother who is prone to outbursts, shall we say, shouted, swore at me, threw a glass of wine over me and pushed me very aggressively and slapped me- my earring fell out. She proceeded to tear my now red wine stained jumper in three places. I was terrified.

I tried to pack my stuff and leave and my father and mother prevented me; pushing me up against the wall, hissing in my face. This went on for quite some time and I was screaming for help to neighbours.

My mother, who works for mental health services, proceeds to make a call in the hallway ‘to get me sectioned’. Everything is always my fault. I’m terrified, shaking, a wreck and genuinely think that I’m going to be sectioned. I’m also being held and can’t leave what I’m increasingly feeling is becoming a dangerous situation.

I phoned 999, the police. A very low moment - who wants to do that to their own parents?

They continue to hound me, hiss at me, push me (I’m very bruised today). Around 20 min later police arrive. I must say they were super, and did say I should pursue a complaint (my parents admitted their actions in full justifying it as ‘it was for my own good, safety’ - the police woman utterly refuted this). I was advised there was a clear case for abduction by not letting me leave on my own will, and abuse.

I tell the police I just want to leave and catch a train. So I’m driven to the train station in the police car, and travel home 2 hours alone, a wreck.

Today, I don’t know what to do. My parents are abusive. I’ve many bruises and frankly, my jumper is horrifying to look at, I can’t minimise what they’ve done. No argument that’s verbal ever justifies this. I don’t know what I should do. I feel it’s already gone too far (but I didn’t know what else I could have managed other than phone police?)

We have a large family holiday planned later in the year, which if I’m honest I’ve always been hesitant about as they’ve become increasingly unhinged (threads on their behaviour span years on here).

Please help me make sense of what happened, I suppose I’m looking to understand what I should do next/ confirmation I did do the right thing. Now I’m here alone it’s hit me that even though they undertook the action, I’m the one (by phoning police) that’s severed any chance of moving on?

I'm so saddened you cannot trust your DGPs & DGM: however you now know where you stand, remember this and do not let them hurt you again.

Please get nee phone numbers & email addresses, block them all in the interim.

I think if you contact your parents you will then feel you can't block them as you will want to know what they say in return. Instead take the control & ignore them. You know the truth of what happened, you know they will only hurt you. No matter what you say it will not change them.

Sending a massive hug to you tonight. You will look back on this one day being stronger for getting through it

Hi OP, just read your thread tonight. That event at your parents house is one of the most horrible things ive read on here.
If i were you id be blocking both parents and never speaking to them again.
Interesting your uncle doesnt want to get involved in drama...has there been a lot over the years?

I know you are desperate for them to love you but look at what theyve done to you and how they treat you. If these people were your friends youd cut them off right?
I think you should try to seek out new friends, invest your time on them and find new hobbies too. You will not be so lonely then and wont need to depend upon these toxic family members to make you feel less lonely.

Hi again

Just off to GP (mistake). I was told (through my tears) ‘if you don’t have the guts to phone the police then what can we do’. Not that easy (or conclusive) to press charges.

Was also told to send a message saying ‘do you not know what you did to me’ to parents. Again, I only expose myself by this, and shaking here.

To top it all off was told my other uncle (whom I thought v close to) kept saying to aunt ‘you don’t know what really happened’. Inference I’m lying. Cut deep.

What did I expect? Support, I guess. Misfounded. They, like my parents, want to push everything back to me; you text them, you press charges.

I DO NOT HAVE MENTAL CAPACITY. I keep telling them this. And even if I do as they ask.. what will change? Nothing.

It’s like their support is hiding behind a wall of my action. And even if I did do that, they would still be too cowardice to confront. They talk about guts? They’ll never know what guts it took to call the police, to leave, and even: to get up every day since.

My god, I’ve never felt so low or let down.

Again, I’m so sorry OP.

Does it help to think of this as probably one of the absolute worst of times you’re going to have to go through with your family?

So, all you need to do is to get through this and out of the other side. So you don’t need to react in some clever way, or handle this in some brilliant strategic thingummy or resolve everything in one well worded return text or Anything like that (!). You don’t have to build bridges with them or come out of this healed and perfectly happy...

All you have to do is just breathe, and live through this, one breath at a time, one step at a time, one hour at a time, one hug at a time (from us or in rl).

It will be horrible but all you have to do is get through it to the other side... because if this is the Worst it’s going to get, then each breath and each step takes you closer to better times.

Better times, better than this.

Times when you feel loved again, times when you have a family again in whatever form that takes (but a better family who aren’t going to abuse you horribly)... times when you smile, and laugh and your heart feels light again.

But first, and this is the utterly shit bit, you have to get through this hard time,breath by breath... getting through to the other side

Stop contacting ALL of them.

@wellthisisshit thank you so
Much. I’m holding onto that thought right now - so, so bad. But I’m hurting so much.

I feel no one believes me IRL anymore. It seems to be my reluctance (with good reason) to pursue through the formal channels has somehow doubted the validity of my story.

And yes @whisky looks like I’ll have to make my very own way from now on.

Yes and thats a good thing. Really it is.

Ps don’t write any messages. Don’t get involved. None of this is in your interests. These are mind games and heart games.

You stop there, please! And step back from all of this.

It’s hard to say who is manipulating who, and who is pulling the strings out of your GP and relatives. But they’ve been locked into a close relationship with an abusive couple and been content to stay like that for decades. No matter what the truth, there must be some pretty fucked up dynamics happening there.

Which will be harmful to you now... so protect yourself from these awful people who cannot see the kind and honourable way through this mess.

Thank you. It’s taking a lot to resist sending it. But it does feel like a game ‘you do this, then we support you’. I kept being told over and over that ‘I’ve told you what to do, send the message’. Then ‘what do you expect us to do’ (bearing in mind they’ve Skyped 4 times since). Aren’t they as bad as my parents?

I am not being controlled by my parents anymore, so I’m certainly not about to allow it from them, too.

FFS

Out of interest, what do any of you think the right thing would have been for GP to do?

I’ve my opinions- but would never force or ask directly. Not my place. I would think (maybe naively) that they would see me right- more fool me.

Sorry are gp grandparents? My gps would have protrcted me they wouldnt try to encourage adding fuel to the fire.
Yours seems as toxic as your parents but im not surprised, its probably learned bebaviour. Is it your mums mum?

Anyhoo, i think it might be therapeautic for you to write a letter, write down all your thoughts and feelings. Do not send it, just burn it.

Was also told to send a message saying ‘do you not know what you did to me’ to parents

I'm truly sorry, but when you add this to "wanting to see the expressions" I'm forced to agree with the PPs who said GPs seem, in some twisted way, to be enjoying the drama. This isn't some silly soap opera, it's your life, and their lack of empathy is shameful ... though no doubt they'll try for a few brownie points by describing it to their church friends as "trying to build bridges"

I know it won't seem this way right now, but maybe seeing the GPs wasn't such a mistake after all if it helps in understanding their real agenda? There's very little that's positive about all this, but at least now you know

God parents

Yes. Was a phone call - not seen them.

I suppose out of this comes great clarity...

Keeping holding on LittleMiss, hold on and keep breathing.

We believe you.

It’s really obvious that what you went through was awful and traumatic, that’s simply self evident.

People in real life can behave incredibly badly with this type of thing. I’ve had something similar this week tbh, someone who should know better choosing to ignore an awful assault on my son because I didn’t take it further (as the court process was proving traumatic for my son), so now it’s just a little argument I had with an adult apparently... vs a massively traumatic big deal with police and social services all involved and the vericity of the incident not under question as far as they were concerned ... but hey, let’s pretend it didn’t happen and ignore the damage that person did to my son shall we?! Sigh. It’s horrible not being believed, I’ve spent the week in tears.

It’s because it’s more comfortable for people to keep their nice world view where nothing has happened and they don’t have to bestir themselves in any way.

Op you don't have to do anything at all, everything is very raw and painful right now but that will ease. No contact is very final, would it help you to think of it as keeping them all at a very long arms length and you decide what and who are worth responding too.

Are your god parents also family? I dont know why they need to be involved but for whatever reason, they are. They want the drama, the arent believing you. I think youre best to move on, no contact with any of them. Therapy, friends, hobbies, a dog or cat even. Live life to the max

@wellthisisshit I’m so sorry to hear that of your week. How is your son now? How do you feel after taking back control and doing what’s right for you?

I truly get what you’re saying about weighing up the pros and cons of taking it further with authorities. You have to do best by son and you. And the formal channels, however well intentioned, can let us down at our lowest. And you know what? Sometimes it’s better to have control and take ownership of the outcomes. Exactly what you’ve done.

I truly hope next week is better for you and your son, and that he is able to have the same balanced, wise and considerate empathy for others as you’ve shown me

@whisky2014 yes; aunt and uncle

Out of interest, what do any of you think the right thing would have been for GP to do?

Listen compassionately, show some empathy and ask what you want them to do to help you. Make suggestions perhaps, but above all keep your needs at the forefront of everything ... much like all of us on here have done actually, and if we can do it you'd think it would be possible for so-called people of faith

Just out of interest - and don't feel you have to answer - but can I ask what denomination this church is?

Mums sister?

If the first thing they'd said had been the thing about pressing charges I would have probably suggested that they're perhaps the sort of people who don't believe anything without a police report. In their head its easier to believe your parents' story than yours.

But that in combination with trying to get you to text your parents whilst they're skyping them and trying to get you to rope your uncle in suggests like others have said that they're enjoying the drama. Their actions are self serving, not empathetic.

This is your life. You don't have to follow anyone's script.

Christian, Church of Scotland.

I suppose what I was more getting at was: do you think it was right of them to say nothing and continue to Skype? I felt it a betrayal of my trust. Yet couldn’t ask them directly what to do as not for me to say.

We believe you love because some of us have been through almost equally awful experiences, most of us were aided against, or assumed there was “more to it” than we were saying.

God it hurts, but their need to manufacture their own version of the truth doesn’t overwrite what actually happened, and the truth is all you have. Eventually who knows maybe someone will come round, but in the end it doesn’t matter

You knowing the truth IS enough- you might not see it now, but it is.